September 2000
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Happy happy joy joy
I found a site with MP3s from the Fight Club soundtrack. There is some light in this world that isn't a train at the end of a tunnel. God bless Russia. I also downloaded Where is My Mind but I can't find Goin' Out West by Tom Waits. Okay, I can find it but it's a concert version not a studio version which is what I want. Right now I'm downloading the last few files from the Fight Club soundtrack and a few MP3s from the South Park Movie. I'm Thuper, Kyle's Mom is a Big Fat Bitch and Uncle Fucker.
Suck my dick, I'm a god damned leech wasting your bandwidth without any profit on your behalf. God bless eastern Europe because without them I wouldn't have found this stuff.
I am Jack's rage.
I still can't get over the feeling I've been having when going out in public of my mind and body connecting when it comes to anger. No more heart thudding after losing my cool, it all happens without stomach twisting. I don't flinch or give quarter when someone meets my gaze anymore.
Maybe I shouldn't have a gun for my trip.
This feeling bothers me because it seems counterproductive to why I went into therapy in the first place. I couldn't handle my anger and it tore me apart but now I become my anger with no ill effect except for an unease that makes me write this last paragraph.
I had a lovely talk with raisinh.. I mean Malyss, I'm downloading MP3s and all I have to do is play a game of chess to make my night complete. Must remember to refine my article regarding games in the middle ages. It's not funny, just cute, and I'll post it on my gaming page.
Ooh, when I just went to move my car down to the church I saw some movement across the street, like some kids were running around in the bushes but on second glance there were two deer running off into the backyards and the woods to get away from the big naked ape. Made me happy, like the deer had come back because I was no longer under certain stresses in my life and I had a small feeling of release later this evening which helped my night seem a bit brighter.
While walking back from the church I had the oddest feeling that in the next few days New Jersey wasn't going to exist anymore. As if the concept of New Jersey was anathema to reality.
Just strange.
I'm bugged.
There is no greater restraint than fear. No physical chains forged by man could not be as strong as those forged by their own hands in their own minds. I know this because I feel it every day and moreso right now.
I just couldn't get over how sometimes I restrain myself out of fear of what might be rather than facing what could be and seeing what happens for better or worse. Just simple shit that people seem to be able to handle day by day that I can not handle because the fear of being burned is far greater than the actual burn I would get.
I still fear initiating intimacy or expressing admiration for a woman's looks because I'm afraid the cops will be called on me for being a pervert, they'll sic whatever pet male they have on me or at worst put me down because I don't fit anything they find pleasing.
I don't fear the "just friends" line anymore because I don't put up with that kind of shit. Something hardened inside of me and I wish that it would harden all the way so it'd be encompassing. I figure that hardening is the capacity to say "No, it's going to be my way or no way at all".
I can see my restraints and I see they're chained to a large piece of granite with FEAR carved on it. That boulder merely exists because I lack knowledge that comes from a lack of experience that comes from a fear of trying because I hear these tapes in my head that I can't shelve which dictate my actions in life. They're well meaning because these tapes don't want me to get into trouble but damn it I wish one would break or just get erased so I can make a new tapes to take their place. Good, I can see how I am holding myself back. I can see the pathoogy of the situation but I can't find some cure that will make things work for me.
All I want in life is to have a set of balls when dealing with women that I don't know. I'm certain in my future I'm there saying to someone, "I wish I was back X years ago so I could slap the old spivak around".
Or see my power animal in the cave deep in my heart chakra and hear it tell me, "Slide".
Maybe it just comes from feeling fat and old, neither of which I am especially after seeing pictures of a BBW party posted somewhere that left disturbing after-images on the inside of my eyes and twenty nine really isn't old. Sixty is old.
I'm just turning things over in my mind and all that. I don't know why because it's just old shit from when I was in high school that I thought I was through with but apparently I am not through with it OR I'm just bored and toying with the concept yet again and because it hits close to me it seems bigger than it is.
I'm not even looking but I'm just going over how I deal with people and all that kinda stuff and women figure big in my life because they're just so... oopha.
In other news, I slept in way too much today, cleared out one of my hotmail accounts which only had 1 real email out of 225 new messages from the past 15 days and now I'm wondering what I'm going to have for lunch/dinner tonight. Reckon it all depends on if my parents are going out tonight or if I'm going out because something pops up suddenly which has been happening a bit more but not too much. It's fucking Labor Day weekend and the only labor I think I'll be doing is on Sunday when I lock myself up at my father's business to write HTML so I have something to show my prospective employer.
Yes, the job is pretty much a done deal just having a bit of cold feet regarding what to ask for when it comes to salary but after checking a few sites I should be getting (if I put myself at the very low end of the hiring spectrum and placement spectrum) at least forty a year which isn't too shabby for New Jersey and it's bound to be at least forty five in NYC. I've been procrastinating on writing any HTML, keeping all designs in my head, because I don't work for free unless there's sex or the work is for a friend.
Why free for friends? Because I'm a schmuck, at least I'm a happy schmuck.
Now I have the remains of the day before me and I wonder if I'll do anything constructive with what I have available. Do you have any ideas? Email me. DO IT NOW SHEEP DO IT NOW!!!
I want a threesome. Two chicks and me, not the other way around.
I updated my "in case of death" contact list and made it simple for my father to send a message to *stonecutters by just connecting under "Death".
I've come to realize that watching TV alone is just like drinking alone. Pathetic. Sure, we all drink alone once in a while just because we can but doing it day after day and night after night gets really sad. TV's pathetic anyway. Sports on TV are pathetic because they pre-empt shows to show something you could be doing but instead you're just sitting at home on your fat ass watching everything happen for you.
Lame-assed olympics with some pretentions of bringing the world together to do some pissing contest about whose country is best is just as sad. Okay, the athletes are amateurs but only in technical terms because they don't do their little tricks for the camera and judges for money. If the athletes were truly amateurs they would actually have lives and do their tricks on the side rather than making it their entire life for four years. Going back to the fact some people use the olympics as a pissing contest to prove whose country is best, this just shows how people have no faith in their own nationalism that they must prove they're the best. If you have to go out and fucking prove it, how highly do you think of your country? And why sports? Because it appeals to the lowest common denominator and doesn't require higher brain functions? Go have a fucking war and lay siege to each other until there's one man left standing who calls the shots for the next decade. Just because you replace one idiocy with another idiocy doesn't make something right. It just perpetuates an idea.
I know I'm not the best person to talk about this because of my previous entries regarding the pouched menace from down under seeking to infest good, wholesome women with their pouched seed or frostback assassins infiltrating American households because they look just like us and sound like us. That shit's just me being facetious and seeing who I piss off.
Stevage makes me laugh because he took an elective course in college regarding the erosion of Australian culture by American culture. Turns out, from a conversation he had with Rebecca not too recently, all of his opinions regarding the infestation of American culture in his blighted penal colony seem to be quoted as blindly as the space monkeys quote Tyler Durden and when asked to write an essay regarding the disturbing trend that's troubling him he says that he'll submit an essay written by someone else.
That just screams, "I'm a pre-programmed idiot with no original thoughts. I am Bender, please insert girder." Maybe Australia deserves this fate if Stevage is any measure of what it means to be Australian. American programming must be superior to overcome their culture.
I'm done. I love you.
I'm desperately bored, to the point that I decided to use my m@d sk!LLz to stalk people and after only a 1/2 hour I was able to find a phone number and an email address which I contacted. I doubt I'll hear back but I'm curious to hear back nonetheless. If nothing comes of my email in a week I'll just make a phone call which might last a total of five minutes. I'll probably use the rest of the calling card to disturb people who would actually want to hear from me.
BOTH OF THEM. hlaughgahlu
I definitely need to find out what kind of certification I need to search SSNs and driver's licenses without using these places online which are hit and miss most times. Jeez, I already have stalking on a 12 or less, 2 skill levels through a focus (computer).
Time for a field trip to the store, I hope they have a bottom round roast or two that I can purchase for eats throughout the week. Before I go, I'm going to listen to "Beyond the Sea" for the millionth time.
That song reminds me a lot of someone, makes me think of my trip and it's just a darned nice tune sung by Frank Sinatra.
Just got back and it looks like my email bounced. Only twenty bucks to feed me for most of the week so I'll have enough for the rest of the week and a phone card. Woo hoo!
Woo, for a day that I started really late it ended up being pretty full. I took a few pictures, two were duds but I'll post them anyway, got a call from Jaybird which was brief and he handed me over to maribou and we chatted for quite a bit followed by Space Ghost, logging back in as spivak then finally eating dinner which was as good cold as it would've been piping hot. No complaints here because the time spent inbetween was well worth it if I do say so myself.
I'll top this off with a dream.
I had the strangest dream last night that started out with a tour of Tim Curry's place, how he was living on a small island in the middle of a black ocean (that turned out to be sewage) and his backyard was only a meter wide before it dropped off into the ocean or you got into the house again. There was this ugly British old lady who was cooking and she was making pasta. When she'd drain it from the pot the water was green/black and the two kids who were living there were like "Yum!" and I couldn't touch the food. I was stuck alone in the house for a few hours while they went out, I realized the island would tip here and there when I got too close to the edge (the backyard being the only stable place) and I almost flipped the whole island over.
When they got back, the ugly old British lady bought me L5R boosters but I never got to open them because the house started sinking into the ocean.
Eventually things got stable and when I was in the backyard, I was told to look in one direction and when I did it all turned into a colorful hexmap of the area that went up and down. I was told I had the power of dice in me and only I could do things that others in this place couldn't do. Apparently my thing was jumping and I kept rolling 3d6 to see if I could jump high enough to get over to this one area that was all tall sharp mountains like the inside of a wolf's mouth.
I couldn't ever look at the people in my dream again because if I did then I couldn't see the gaming aspect of the dream and I'd lose my powers. I ended the dream rolling dice (first red dice, then these yellow dice that Ronni had at her place, then white grimy dice that seemed to roll better for me) and I just had to be kind to the dice to get them to roll well. Sad thing was the dice would never roll a 3, a 4 was the lowest they would go.
Oh yes, chili said that he's going to send me a CD with Dreamweaver and Fireworks which I'm excited about because the lazy part of me whines when thinking about making yet another website in Notepad/Vi and Dreamweaver doesn't use proprietary tags which is a Good Thing (tm).
Not that this website is the best, from what GreyDruid's pointed out it's fairly slipshod but the only thing I care about is that my web page looks good to me. When I do Version II for October I'll endeavor to make it look good for everyone and still do it in Notepad. The only javascript I'll have will be the little calendar thing on the front page and The Pasture. Just wish I could work out the problems so the page works for every browser not just mine or Devo's or Malyss' or hhsb's browser. The javascript's pretty straightforward too. Sigh. My idea's so much better than the long load MOOgallery and you don't have to wade through other people's ugly yaps just to see your friends or whoever gets a tingle in your groin from LambdaMOO.
Good night.
This picture is an accidental double-exposure with my polaroid camera that I took on the 3rd. That's my face taken in my room when the timer on the camera went off but didn't pop a picture out. The flowers and stuff is my backyard or part of my backyard that really isn't in the picture of me letting the dogs out.
Hi.
My day started off really shitty. My mother got home and my father warned me that she was on the warpath about something but he was unsure what might've set her off. I went upstairs for a doughtnut (mmm, doughnut) and she started going off on me about keeping the bread above the cupboard (I place it there so no one else touches it. Apparently she opened the cupboard and the bread fell on her head. Heh.) then about the doughnuts followed by how I seem to have money nowadays and I should get the fuck out.
I said little then went downstairs but I started stewing a bit and went back upstairs and confronted her with "Do you hate me? With all of your heart to the very core hate me?"
No.
I was surprised. I suspected the answer to "Do you love me. Unconditionally, the same way you used to preach way back when?" and she said "Yes." Not a big yes. Not a little yes. Just conversational. She then went in on how she's a human being first, not a mother in the way that I would think a mother is, that she's not my friend and stuff. How I can lay all the blame on her for everything that's wrong with me, how she wants me out now.
Her answers about not loving me (in my opinion) put my beliefs down that I think a mother should give a shit about their kid, love them and listen to them if they come to her rather than giving a terse single answer or blowing off a question/situation because one thinks it's beneath them (my perceptions) and how she is none of that.
I tried talking to her the way I would talk to a friend at one point but it didn't work. I just told her that I want to make peace and I know I wasn't straightforward with the fact of asking her to come half way because I'm going halfway. She went off on some analogy about how this woman at work has a son who is a drug addict and always calls his mother through her phone, went off on how the guy has no money, no friends, no life (I kept hearing in my head that she was going to equate that I was just like that but I listened quietly until she was finished even though I was irritated and wanted to say "GET TO THE FUCKING POINT") and how it's a bad scene.
Um, okay. How does that deal with me? I figure I was probably right in not telling her to get to the point or jumping to my defense when I wasn't being attacked. I also hurt the right side of my head pretty bad when I punched it about seven times to drive a point home to my mother. It's still sore.
Oh yeah, I've been punching myself for quite some time. I didn't need some movie to give me the idea of punching myself.
Whatever. I didn't present myself in a good light because I was raising my voice, cursing at her and doing something that she considered 'blackmail'. I was a wreck afterwards and went into my room to rest and watch DBZ only to get up again and come to the computer where I lost my resolve and GOD DAMNED DIARY SPIVAK OFFED HIMSELF then CLOSED OUT THE SESSION before I could read a MOOmail of a dream.
Great. "Jack" invents Tyler Durden who's trying to better "Jack" but I have to have some milquetoast for an imaginary friend.
Gah. Either I'll have to wait for another 2 days, 8 hours, 34 minutes, and 10 seconds or it might get netforwarded to me. As long as it's there when I reconnect is what matters.
Tonight was just time for a lovely game of chess with Devo (she checkmated me then I checkmated her, i screwed up big time the first round because my mind wasn't entirely there) and watched a little TV before heading off to la-la land.
That's pretty much it. Great labor day. Ooh, I like writing my diaries like this better than having to come up with something last minute as the day's turning into the next day and the writing loses it's immediacy.
Heh, immediacy. It's a fucking public diary. Real important, eh?
I just came in from whizzing outside and it turns out that it's getting nice and cool. If the days become as cool as the nights are now I'll be back to wearing my leather jacket in no time and gaming will be more comfortable. That's the bad thing about gaming, all those bodies (none of them are average size except Ronni and Brian) just throw off massive amounts of heat.
Booner's 6'8" and has a physique like mine, Buddha's my size but not as fat as I am, Tim's about my physique if I was an inch shorter, Diane's got it going on but she has a few extra pounds. Can't think of a MOOer to compare her too but she's definitely not like Shimmery. Brian's my height but thinner and Ronni's short and thin. No one really fits the Firesign mold but if Tim Lenox was still around he'd be in that category. Shit, the last time I saw him he had fucking woman's hips because he was so fat and doughy.
That's the nice thing about hanging around gamers, you see the very worst that someone could get to and set a boundry not to cross. Some guys at RPS in Monmouth are fat but they have huge hips and probably bitch tits. I only noticed because I heard one remark about hurting his hip while walking in the doorway to the church basement.
All done.
---(\/)
I---\/---U!
Whee, I gamed tonight, I did lots of laundry earlier today and had a lovely lunch of two slabs of roast beef and gamed. I talked out an idea or two with Tim about the direction I'd like to take ShadowTurtle. I also tinkered with a few character ideas (just for shits and giggles).
I had fun taking the picture above because I put the camera on a phone book at the top of the stairs (split level house this is, yes), I blocked out all the places that my body was and it turned out that I fit nicely into the camera's field of view. I removed the stuff I taped to my door, set the timer and ran to pose befor the flash went off. Magic was made and I was quite happy with the result except for the fact that I'm certain my ass has looked better in the recent past (two years) than it does in that picture. Despite my girth, it was more defined IMO when it was last complimented.
Lastly I want to include some sketches I found from two games ago that I drew while suffering through the banality of Tim Lenox's roleplaying. Why? I want lots of pictures this month.
Eh, not much else to say except that I'm feeling some joy inside of me. Just listening to my Fight Club collection and flipping through pictures I got today. This activity along with the fact of it's nicely cool outside like autumn should be is helping my mood and making me smile. Sometimes I wish I would just smile quietly and other times I wish I wouldn't smile at all because I want that smile to be mine and mine alone only sharing it in whispers and secrets so the power of the smile keeps its magic. Love for you all.
This picture's all fucked up, it's supposed to be just my backyard as seen from the window right behind me but shesa no workie but I post here anyway.
This entry's in two parts. The first section in green is diary_spivak kinda stuff. The second part in blue is made up of stuff brought to my attention that I think is awfully cool.
Hah. It seems that my confrontation with my mother on the fifth really disturbed her. According to my father she couldn't sleep at all that night and she backed off of bothering him for a bit.
But not that much.
Benny's at the vet and he'll be there until tomorrow afternoon. Apparently the people over at the vets we've been seeing (apparently out of convenience) passed off some serious stuff regarding Ben. He's been licking and chewing at his paws for quite a while and the vets who were taking care of him just passed it off as nothing and just gave him some drugs to let the swelling go down and all that. Turns out he has a bacterial infection that would've cost him his leg or his life and the bump in his back was just a cyst that was drained which made me happy since I didn't want it to be the same cancer that took Sunny's life.
My father was busy today and he decided to ask my sister to help him out by taking Ben to the vet's down the parkway. Her reply was "Tell spivak to do it" which surprised me since she never refers to me as that. My father talked with her about how he only asked her and wasn't looking for suggestions on how to deal with Ben and if she couldn't take Ben she merely had to say "no". He also mentioned that she was also no longer working which I dig since the cunt left my father's business.
Later my father had the chance to talk with my mother and the subject regarding my sister to which she replied "Don't you dare drive a wedge between me and my children!"
Um, whatever. She wasn't even a part of this.
This is the non-diary_spivak stuff. Non-dairy_spivak too. The first part was brought to my attention by the talented Devo (#96859) followed up by a small essay by the erudite Malyss (#113866).
Is it possible our President is ruthless beyond belief. The following is a list of dead people connected with Bill Clinton:
James McDougal
Clinton's White Water partner died of an apparent heart attack while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr's investigation.
Mary Mahoney
A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
Vince Foster
Former White House councilor and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock's Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.
Ron Brown
Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died on impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown's skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death, Brown was being investigated and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors.
C. Victor Raiser II & Montgomery Raiser
Major players in the Clinton fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in July 1992.
Ed Willey
Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods of Virginia of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife, Kathleen Willey, claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.
Jerry Parks
Head of Clinton's gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Parks' son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died, the files were mysteriously removed from his house.
James Bunch
Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a "Black Book" of people containing names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.
Kathy Ferguson
Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson died in May 1994. She was found dead in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.
Bill Shelton
Arkansas State Trooper and fiancee of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancee, he as found dead in June 1994 of a gunshot wound at the grave site of his fiancee, also ruled a suicide.
Gary Baugh
Attorney for Clinton friend Dan Lassater died by jumping out a window of a tall building January 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.
Suzanne Coleman
Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide, was pregnant at the time of her death.
Paula Grober
Clinton's speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one-car accident.
Stanley Huggins
Suicide. Investigated Madison Guarantee. His report was never released.
Hershell Friday
Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.
The following Clinton bodyguards are dead:
Major William S. Barkley, Jr.
Captain Scott J. Reynolds
Sgt. Brian Hanley
Sgt. Tim Sabel
Major General William Robertson
Col. William Densberger
Col. Robert Kelly
Spec. Gary Rhodes
Steve Willis
Robert Williams
Conway LeBleu
Todd McKehan.
Know anybody else who has that many dead people around them?
Do you know why we Americans have dropped the extraneous "U" from such words as humor, color and favor? The reasons for doing so are quite practical. In the old days, American newspaper columns were quite narrow and dropping the "U" allowed for the printers to save at least 1/4 of an inch of space in each article. Also, ink was far more expensive back then and every 1/4-inch saved was a few pennies saved. I would not doubt it if Benjamin Franklin had the money saved by dropping the extraneous "U" in mind when he penned, "A penny saved is a penny earned". Over time, the new spellings became a permanent fixture especially as British influence lost favor in the newly born US. In our modern world with our mass produced ink and improved printing practices, we could easily afford to switch back to the old spellings of such words but we are quite happy with our superior spellings. Plus, doing so would likely cause confusion for many.
That raisinhead. She's smart because she knows /The_Cat/.
Alright, that's all for today. Go elsewhere.
Strange dream. I'm on LambdaMOO and while I'm in the living room with someone, I type @join them (I don't remember their name) and suddenly I'm disconnected saying that I was wasting resources to @join someone that I'm already with and get booted with a warning that I'll be toaded if I don't pay up 8k. I find myself in the parking lot of my father's business and being involved in some game with his car's alarm. I open the trunk of his car and there's this note inside that states if the car wins, I'll be toaded. I touch the lip of the open trunk and the car starts going 'bip bip bip' but when I clap my hands the alarm starts to turn off. Time passes and it's starting to rain, I'm fascinated by a tennis ball stuck inside of a barber pole which climbs up and down the inner pole as the glass rotates inside. hhsb drives up and starts talking with me about how she's sick of Lambda and wants me to sign on right away and start a petition to recycle her and redistribute her stuff. She's pacing a lot in the rain when I realize that I do have the keys to my father's business.
I let her in so she can go to the bathroom. My father had been decorating for Halloween, smurf figures, Iron Giant figures and other little toys are hanging from the ceiling via cotton cobweb stuff. Orange and black streamers are draped across the ceiling. hhsb stalks in and goes to the bathroom, I take off my coat (it's a big camelhair coat that I'd never wear) and place it over a chair near the bathroom for hhsb to put on once she's finished since I figure she's cold from the rain. She calls me from the bathroom and I go over, I can't hear what she's murmuring in the bathroom and I open the door when she confronts me with something to the tune of "Come on, show me your penis. You showed everything in that picture." and I'm all freaked out. hhsb continues with how she's different and just wants to see and just as I'm being persuaded to do so I wake up.
Today was enough of a day, I had to go to fucking Home Depot and struggle through the throngs of the lost wandering around and wondering where they can get just the right pipe fitting clogging up the major thruway. I just wanted to get a motherfucking dowel for a buck and a dime. No god damned "eight items or less" lanes either.
Don't get me started on the sour-faced darkies who don't respond to a cheerful countenance.
Jesus, give them forty acres and a mule and they think they own the fucking planet.
Got Ben back from the vets and he's going to be just fine. My addled mother doesn't care about putting Ben on a diet because he's coming up on being seven years old. What's her fucking logic? Still he's going to get less kibble and baby carrots for treats instead of Pup-A-Roni.
I figured out today, brainiac that I am, that school has begun which means nine whole fucking months of cocksucking motherfucking shitlicking school busses. CAN'T YOU FUCKING BRATS LEARN TO FUCKING WALK? DON'T YOU SIT ON YOUR GOD DAMNED ASS ENOUGH ALL DAY THAT YOU SHOULD BE OUT WALKING? Get those rectum-rubbing school busses out of my god damned way. I have shit to do and I have no patience for stopping every time you god damned motherfucking stop to drop off shitlicking sprog spoor.
Now I'm all bored and my hate spewing on here seems kind of empty.
Yet another day where I don't hear anything back in regards to my job. I'll draw up ideas, brush up on CSS and look at other sites to see how pages look but I will not write one line of HTML unless I'm being paid. This is starting to annoy me because the person I'm dealing with apparently has a history of bringing someone in to do a job then deciding that person isn't good enough even though they conveyed that person's position was solid and getting someone else for the job.
That's bugging me since I thought I had a bit of hope regarding cash flow, getting a free new computer (or used) and being more productive than I have been with the odd jobs I've been busy completing over the past year.
My father left his car in the street and I just caught it so he's only been a criminal for about five minutes. Stupid no parking in streets between 2 and 6 in the morning laws. While moving the car I took a side trip to get a phone card for tomorrow. I really hope that phone number works because at least I'd have something interesting to do tomorrow.
Lastly I need to get more willpower for staying away from MOO. I know if I was preoccupied with something else, like work, I wouldn't be online as much and therefore not have strange feelings where I figure being online all the time makes people think I'm lurking there in wait for them to connect or nagging little thoughts in the back of my head telling me that there's something I've forgotten (just like Zork) or just being online for the sake of being online. It's not like there's anything interesting like standing in the ocean and feeling the currents and undertow or the odd scrabbling of a horseshoe crab on the top of one's foot. Just random text scrolling upwards, constantly upwards.
The one thing that entertains me is the long copper tube I found leaning against a wall over in the corner of this room. First time I laid eyes on it and felt its solidity I was overcome with strange thoughts of how it'd be a neat weapon. Cut it so it works like a quill then jab someone in the thorax followed by their blood leaking out through the other end of the pipe.
Ah, boredom.
"You're so vain, you think this diary's about you"
My diary feels like I've been writing in it for much longer this month than I actually have written. I want to write something but it's going to be annoying, whiney bullshit about the way I think for people rather than hearing what they actually think. I know it stems from being a Big Pussy (tm) and being defensive for no reason than going through the actual effort of getting a reason.
This page is now nbci.com instead of xoom.com which really sucks. I really should get my own domain because relying on these free services sucks huge dick.
Regarding the photograph, that's me MOOing as I usually MOO around this time of night. Loaf of bread to my left for making sandwiches, can of orange soda, maglite, egg timer and a small schoolbus on top of the computer case and a box of Entenmann's doughnuts behind my mouse hand. My gut looks bigger than it usually does and I'm glad I was able to convey that in the picture.
I've got nothing more to say.
Today's a dangerous day. 911. I got this from Malyss because she would always seem to end up in car accidents around 9:11 and the meaning of 911 lending to it and all that.
Ben's wearing a lampshade because he chewed out the stitches from his leg, my father insists that Ben's not wearing the lampshade because he was the drunken life of the party last night. I'm doing alright and most of that is supported by the fact that I have therapy tomorrow where I can hash shit out on my own (because the shit going on in my life is my own and stuff that I'm putting on other people without knowing what they're really thinking) and be able to move on with my fucking life rather than be held back by my own fears of loss, abandonment, disappointment and all those other -ments ascribed to the mentally pathetic.
Tonight was a fun night, I was out making phone calls because I was bored. Long ago and far away I met this woman on AOL and when she was supposed to come down and see me, she didn't. The only communication I got was from an angry husband (um, whoops. i didn't know that) followed by an email from her stating that her husband shot the computer and she couldn't get online.
I cocked my head to one side like a dog who heard the cat fart, figuratively, and moved on with my life.
Last week while trying to go to bed at a reasonable time (four a.m. is fun but every night?) I was staring at the ceiling letting my brain roam around, look under the desk and read old files and I came upon this stuff. I was curious as to what happened or if it was just some vicarious ruse on her part that she wasn't going to follow through on. I repeat, I moved on and haven't dwelled on this. Just bored.
So I went down to the local park and made a few phone calls which ended up with some strange voicemail and another computer. The last number was some guy who said he hasn't heard from her in ages. I played the part of a fluffy pagan neophyte of the Running Fire circle in Salem and how this was the number she gave me to get in touch with her along with a line how I'm in bad financial straits, squatting in an old house without a phone and I can only email from the local library via hotmail.
At worst, I'll hear back after 9/23 because there's supposed to be some big pagan fooforaw which is supposed to drag people out of the woodwork.
I'm just proud of myself being able to snow people like that and fast talk them. Only thing that bugged me about the whole situation was the fact that I hesitated when they asked for my last name and I didn't want to give Studebaker and I ended up giving Simpson for my surname. Thanks Matt Groening. Haakon Simpson. I was also glad I kept a straight face when I was calling the guy "Brother" and giving a cheery "Merry Meet" when he gave his name and lots of "Bright blessings". Whoever is playing me in this great big roleplaying game finally rolled a critical success on my Persuasion skill roll and it was most likely after my player spent four points to raise my Persuasion skill to a 13 or less.
I oughta write myself up in Champions terms. There's a fun project. Okay, I just did, click here.
Now if only I could get the cajones to use this skill more often IRL rather than relying upon non-interactive web searches and document searches.
"A man builds a thousand bridges and sucks one dick, to the world he is not a bridge-builder, he's a cocksucker"
Okay, Malyss begged to differ on points I made in the previous diary entry.
I had a good therapy session because I was confident during therapy and far from being diary_spivak. We continued our discussion about what Fight Club meant to me and I felt that I was not expressing myself effectively or she wasn't getting what Fight Club is all about. My feelings towards Fight Club are not "I want to go out and clock someone because they looked at me funny" but more of someone picking a fight with me or my own and taking them on one on one without any intervention from the authorities. Cops breaking up a fight is strengthening the foundation of the government being a parental figure in society and citizens are its children. The female point of view, which I heard tonight regarding how there are laws against assault and such, can't grasp this concept for some reason.
Maybe there's something frightening about men, the frightening aspect that draws women to men because women need someone to support their child-bearing habit. Men want women. Women want children. Okay, I know not all women want children but the majority do and if they didn't want children then why the hell is China choked with people and the population growth rate has been expanding geometrically? Someone wants those kids.
Alright, I took myself entirely off track and I don't remember the point I was going to make. I LOVE BEING AN EFFECTIVE AND COHERENT AUTHOR! Oh yes, government != parent. Government as parent is bad, like fire to Frankenstein. Government concerned with public works and national defense is good.
Nothing much else to say right now. I'll post a picture of an ear because I want to post it here and it's not my ear. If you guess correctly, I'll mail you five bucks. Email me so I know who guessed correctly.
The first rule of fight club is -- you don't talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club is -- you don't talk about fight club.
The third rule of fight club is -- when someone says "stop" or goes limp, the fight is over.
Fourth rule is -- only two guys to a fight.
Fifth rule -- one fight at a time.
Sixth rule -- no shirts, no shoes.
Seventh rule -- fights go on as long as they have to.
And the eighth and final rule -- if this is your first night at fight club, you have to fight.
Wow. So much for a good end to a relatively good day. Went to see Highlander: Endgame and it was really good for a Highlander movie. In fact it was good for a matinee movie as well, even if one wasn't into the whole series. The game went well even though it was herky-jerky in spots but I know it was exceptionally that way for me since I had to visit the fucking can twice for ten minutes apiece so I was left out of some crucial stuff but caught up a bit.
Now I log onto Lambda, check my email and it seems that I got an email that wasn't meant for me but it was sent to my email address in the first place which felt like a slap across my face. I'm working off the emotions I feel right now at this moment. No, it wasn't some email where one person was talking about me behind my back to someone else and they missent it.
You know, fuck it. It's not worth it at all but I had to vent even if it was in my own convoluted way.
At the diner after the game, I discussed my idea how Tim, Brian and I are player characters in a RPG and our players are superheroes who want something different that they can lose themselves in. How Tim ended up being played by Quantum (all the characters are basic characters mentioned in the Champions sourcebook, Quantum's a flying energy projector) who runs our game but always asks "Can I blast him?" followed by the others saying "You're just a regular human, you can't blast". Brian being played by Seeker (martial artist) where I was saying "Subtlety" in my best Australian accent then how Defender (powered armor gadgeteer) was playing me and groaning every time he had to roll dice to keep himself from making a stupid remark. "What? An 18? Fuck, okay 'My claws are still wet.'" followed by Quantum (as Tim) going "Okay, I blast you and you lose one experience point".
Fun-fun.
The last two days have been somewhat decent, I'm not going to let shit like this ruin the rest of my week. This feeling is just for tonight but the damage is irreparable.
G'nite.
I had an entry but I'm not going to put it here. Either it's immature or it's just a cry for attention.
There's one good thing to come of losing a friend, I have more money to spend on Christmas gifts for people who really are my friend. I have one less stop when I do my trip across the USA which is a good thing since that stop would have taken me through the deepest darkest part of the south where fucking your relatives is mandatory and they wave the rebel flag around like they won.
I got mail from social security today and it said that I have 11k saved up for retirement or whatever. I wonder if there's a way that I can get my hands on that money right now so I can pick up and go off on my merry way to see the country. I'm an impatient little fuck.
Writing now is really forced and I won't update my diary for a bit. If you want to write something and see it here, email me. If no one contributes I'll just post shit that I've read recently.
The only two things that I'm posting here are "Apple Computer : Proudly going out of business for over 20 years" and the fact that I was bested four times today on LambdaMOO. Two anonymous posts and two regular posts.
The stuff in blue is written by someone else. The following is a diary entry contributed by Iuxufo on *anonymous.
This was probably the last summer-like day of the year, and it was perfect. There wasn't a cloud in the sky as I watched the Sun set, and watched a beautiful golden Harvest Moon rise.
On the way back to the house, I instinctively brushed a bug off my arm, and was shocked to see a greenish-yellow glow streak toward the ground. I'd killed a lightning bug! I felt so dejected! Then I looked at my arm, and saw the coolest thing: a 1-inch square patch of the arm was glowing with bug remnants; I stared, enraptured, as it faded over the next few seconds.
Back in my room, I talked to my friends Brian, Grant, Jay, and Marianne for awhile. They cheered me up and got me back to normal. I decided to make a PB & J sandwich, and had to kill about 6 ants who'd gotten into the jelly. That felt good.
Mom nagged me into going shopping, so I reluctantly drove out to the A & P.
The worst thing about shopping is when the two fat-assed women in front of you stop, right in the middle of the aisle, and start to read the coupon circular, blocking everyone else in both directions. I took a deep breath, about to curse them out, but then I recognized one of them as Kinja, my ex-gf, and my policy toward ex-gf's is to run away and hide, so I discreetly backed up the shopping cart (in the process, trampling over a little rugrat with one of those damn "shopper in training" carts) and waited in the vegetable section (where I knew Kinja would never go) until I saw them leave the store.
I'm wasting my time playing 3D Tetris on the web. Could be doing things that are practical or necessary, but what's the point?
I'm bored, I've been playing around with validator.w3.org and I finally have one page that's valid HTML 4.0. It doesn't exist on this site though. I will be using the validator for version two of this site along with validating my style sheets. If only there was a site that validated javascript because The Pasture doesn't work for everyone nor have I been able to get any help to see what's wrong with the javascript in there. It's just a simple image swap.
Neat link: The 5k Web Page Design Contest which has a bunch of really neat pages and sites that measure are less than 5120 bytes. The disappointing stuff used Flash but there were some neat things which used DHTML like the feed the frog page that whetted my appetite to expand what I already know about design in this medium. About half of the pages are texts (how-tos, essays, memorials) which I liked since the web is about content not style.
So far two people have offered to contribute an entry but from what I can see they're busy enough with work and going to school.
I'm feeling better after all the stuff earlier in the week and I've gotten over those feelings without diminishing them.
I had a few ideas for stuff to write about here but I don't think I was paying much attention to my mind's wandering. Maybe tomorrow I'll post something.
Lastly, I still don't have a new home for this page. I tried out NameZero but that was pretty crappy even for something free. At least xoom/nbci isn't as obtrusive as them. Plus I haven't gotten around to designing version two.
When I do get my domain name, I'm going to make sure that there aren't any ads, no limit on space. If my linux box was more robust, had an ethernet card and I knew how to make it even more secure than just what I picked up at a few hacker websites I'd host it from there.
A salaam walaikum, my brother. Kinja has contributed to this page. It was funny when she phoned me up after reading the entry written by Iuxufo thinking that I had written it. She says her hormones are really worked up at the moment so she was working on a short fuse but everything is cleared up now. For Allah is the only god and Kinja is his prophet.
I miss everything lately. I miss everyone. I feel as if I am so in the past and these memories are killing me. I feel so sad and I notice myself crying, after the fact, that a tear or two or ten have already wet my face. I really don't know why I feel like this but I do. I find myself missing my house. I had this cute little cape cod of a house with lots of windows and a jacuzzi that was situated on a good acre or so (total including front yard) of property. In the back yard I had my own little circle where I performed many rituals, drawing down of the moon and I believe even a burial that spivak performed for a mouse that was murdered in a mouse trap. Anyway, I find myself "living" there so to speak, then in my new apartment. I miss people. I miss my dad, spivak, and my ex-husband (oddly enough). I think I just miss my past.
I'm moving into a different phase of life right now and even though I'm an Aquarius, I'm learning I don't take to change very well. When change is coming I find myself left feeling at a loss. That is just so god damned negative and I hate it. I really try to focus on what I have rather then of the things I don't have but at this particular moment in my life I seem to be connecting more with who I was rather then who I have become. I feel so odd about this.
Aside from all that bullshit, I would just like to add that I am so psyched that fall weather has found its way to us. I'm so looking forward to Halloween and the chilly air and the leaves changing color. I can't wait to go apple picking and pumpkin picking and to go to all the great flea markets. The fall feels new to me, even when things seem to be dying. Cinnamon, apple cider, trick or treaters, biker jackets and Jockey Hollow. Spanish soccer, Sunday dinners, WANTING to stay in bed on a Sunday and so on.
Iuxufo strikes again! Here's another gem from their keyboard.
The moon last night was waning gibbous, which is the best time to see the "man in the moon". Too bad we're not going back there any time soon, except in the movies. Fuckers.
Another beautiful day. It's so nice not having to work. I earn my keep, though, make no mistake about it. After mowing the lawn for hopefully the final time this year, I watched Dr. Laura, who told us all how much we should hate ourselves. I actually only listen to her; what I watch is the web site here that has nude photos of her.
Speaking of fantasies, I caught some of the Olympics last night. The triathlon has this part where the men jog up out of the water and strip off their wetsuits to reveal their running outfits, which are cut like women's sports bras and show bare midriffs. I know guys can go completely topless, but showing just a little skin is so incredibly sexy. I got hard, not so much because I was attracted to these guys but because I guess I imagined myself as one of them, someday. Not to worry; Dr. Laura will straighten me out tomorrow.
Quick update: Not making it in today. Monday I'll be going in.
Tired. Bored. Overheated. Not much to say right now.
Rocco's been attacking Katie and she got two infections on her back from the little faggot bastard. My father will get a spritz bottle tomorrow so Rocco can be disciplined appropriately. Whenever he meows sharply in Katie's vicinity, he's up to no good. She doesn't do a thing to him except sniff him and such. For some reason he leaves Ben alone.
I'm headed into the city today for heaven knows how long. All tense inside wondering if I am good enough for this job and the money I'll be getting and the laptop too. It's just HTML. No big deal. I figure I could learn Flash but I'm not artistic that way anymore. Sure I could tweak pictures and scan in pictures but I want to make a page that'll look fairly sharp rather than the static stuff I've been making for myself.
Screw it, I'll do what I can and if they don't like it I'll take the money and run. If they do like it, I'll just take charge of the e-store, handling orders and writing copy now and again. Full time? I hope so, especially at $25/hr. I did some math and the outlook seems to be four months until I have enough in the bank. Probably five months because I'll be taking care of my car insurance and buying the few things I deem necessary. I don't think this job will be getting me any unemployment cash if I get shitcanned (I replaced when with if).
Did I mention that I'm tired?
1:27 p.m. is the exact moment when it's the equinox. Get your eggs ready if you believe in that kinda stuff. If you're really careful, you can get an egg to balance any time of the year without having to dent the very bottom of the shell.
Now a quick repost of something from *stonecutters last week: Hee, after seeing so many contris on VoyeurWeb where the woman's head is out of the frame I believe I'm getting a headless fetish. Someone get me a guillotine.
Nothing really got done except for starting on the new page. Its look isn't much different from the current page except the most active stuff is on the front page and everything else is stored in back, so to speak. The table on the front page will be the most complex while the rest of the site will stick to the triple column layout. I really like CSS too. Did I mention that?
I have the whole weekend ahead of me for doing HTML, for my site and for the job so I don't go into NYC empty handed on Monday. I have notes written down but I did say that I had something written up in HTML. I can handle showing something that's kinda dull but I couldn't handle showing nothing except for my notebook sketches and notes.
The night's turning out to be a lonely, quiet night which is almost perfect for me but I know I'd like some real interaction rather than just spam and channel chatter. After I upload this, I'm going to see if Brack wants to have a heart to heart where we share our most treasured memories and hopes for the future. It'll be beautiful!
Hey. Long time, no see. How long has it been? Eighteen? Twenty four hours? Wow.
I was rearranging my web site today, working mainly on my old diary pages. Setting them up so the first entry of the month is on top and the last entry of the month is all the way down in the lower right hand corner. I've reread my diary entries from last September, November and December in the process of revamping my pages.
Jeez, life sucked so badly way back when and I have no idea why I didn't do a thing to get myself out of the absolute shit I was chin-deep in. Yecch. Some of the posts were "Nothing much to say today" and thinking back I'm fairly certain those days ended with heated arguments.
Everything's changed and done with.
I still wanted to be able to travel back in time and slug myself to drive the point home. It'd be easy, I'd just hide in the neighbor's bushes late one night and wait for me to walk back home from the church. WHAM!
I know I came through that part of my life much harder on the inside than I was in the first place. Bah, now I'm getting all quiet and sad and thoughtful.
Now to rearrange the gaming diary entries and head to bed. G'nite.
Before I head down to Cape May, I'll be stopping at Raisin Acres to say hello to Malyss, /The_Cat/ and Gilligan. I think the visit will be short since her father will probably pull his shotgun on me and her mother will smack me.
I completely wasted today. I napped. I fixed up Version 2 of my web page and watched television inbetween because it didn't require much effort on my part. I could've written up some HTML, heck it doesn't even have to be great HTML just enough to show off for Monday. Either I stay up late on Sunday night and write up stuff or I go into the city with a promise to show something. Here's the deal, the boss said he's not expecting me to work for free which is a Good Thing (tm) but I did say I made something up already. Sigh. I just need to plan out the budget, what needs to be done and what is necessary to get things done in a timely fashion.
Deep down I know I was procrastinating from that project because I'm still bothered by the fact that The Pasture doesn't work on all browsers which have enabled javascript. I posted to a few sites but didn't get any replies to my dismay. Once I know I have that problem licked, I can move on in the same way I moved on today after finding out that percentages need to be in quotes rather than just butted up against the equal sign. Now all the pages, except The Pasture because one IMG tag uses a NAME attribute which isn't valid HTML, have valid HTML 4.0 which makes me happy and adds one more button to the front page of my site.
Bedtime.
Well, fuck. I missed out on getting a free laptop from Jerri_Blank because I logged out last night and I have a proxy address that can take UPS as well.
Got up a few times before I really had to wake up because Ben was howling to himself. My shoes were under the computer, not beside my bed, so I didn't have something to throw at my bedroom door to shut him up. Katie's upstairs in my parents' room and I know she can hear Ben so I figure he's not singing the blues because he doesn't have her company. Maybe he misses my Dad. I know it wasn't because they had to go outside because I took them outside, he whizzed, she sniffed the grass then immediately came back inside.
In the back of my head I'm thinking, "Maybe everyone's dead and Benny's howling because he knows it. He howled the first time when my father died then later when my mother died at the hospital and most recently he howled when my sister died (she was staying overnight in NYC and still hasn't returned home despite the fact she said she would be home in the morning).
Ah, that was my sister. She's on her way home right now.
The computer's set up just the way I like it and it seems that it's running smoother now than when it ran with the stupid dayglow pink and purple colors and rivet background. I know how Windows looks is purely ornamental but I wonder if certain color schemes work better than others. Right now everything is gray and black.
Well, I'm back. My visit with Malyss was brief. I just dropped off her stuff and felt at a loss for words which made me awkward. Strange, I'm not entirely awkward with her on the MOO but I was IRL. When I left, I was crying to myself.
Heading on out to Cape May was easy enough but once I got there I started feeling a bit down remembering the other times I had been there. Down at Sunset Beach they had a little ceremony where they lower the American flag (a coffin flag of a dead serviceman) and play the national anthem. I thought it was a nice touch when they played "God Bless America" before they played the non-lyricised Star Spangled Banner.
I rifled through the sand afterwards and got a few Cape May diamonds to bring home and when it was getting too dark to spot them in the pebbly sand I started for home but not before whizzing into the ocean and whispering ""Every little bit helps", said spivak as he pissed in the sea." By the time I got home I was feeling all antsy and my sister was doing her hotmail thing. I wanted to get on and finish up my web stuff (not diary page oriented web stuff) for tomorrow but I didn't want to seem like an ogre demanding that she get off the computer.
Other than that, I did my thing, treated myself to a little bit of Lambda and now it's bedtime. Hopefully I'll get enough rest so I'll be alert enough tomorrow in NYC.
Today was great. I went into the city, negotiated my salary and discussed getting my laptop which was really keen. Came home, logged in and my favorite people were online followed by going to therapy which ended up being cancelled.
Yes!
Since it was cancelled, I had an extra thirty bucks for groceries and I got myself:
- Beef rib eye roast
- 2 cans of small white potatoes
- 4 cans of soup, steak and potato & chicken barley
- 4 cans of big meatball chef boyardee
- A package of the long Stella Doro cookies that come in chocolate and regular
- 2 twelve packs of orange soda
- 4 jars of sauce, roast chicken & italian sausage and garlic
- 5 boxes of macaroni
- 3 bags of gnocci
- A tube of liverwurst
- 2 packages of french bread pizza
That pretty much covers it and I have thirteen bucks left over.
Now to go watch Babylon 5. Fah, it wasn't the movie it was just a regular episode but I had a big lovely dinner and I'm gonna rest for a while.
Toodles.
Well, well. I have returned, not that you noticed I was gone in the first place. Thinking back about today, it seems that this job is taking a strange twist. Two weeks ago I was rip-roaring to phone the guy and tear him a new asshole for stringing me along again with the promise of a good job that paid good money and the day before I was going to phone him I got a call from his wife saying they haven't forgotten me and he was only taking care of the budget.
Today he was telling me about how this project would turn into something long-term for me, not just a single project and that was one of my fears (and a bit of a hope since by the time the website is published and available for everyone to see, I would have almost enough money for my trip and I could take off across country) that after the site was built, I'd fade into the background.
Maybe it's coincidence. I think my father might be making phone calls behind my back but I've checked the phone records for the house and his business and it shows nothing of the sort and he's too busy to head out somewhere else to have a conversation. Damn, I felt really good after today and I'm glad that I'm getting started. Now I'm in a quiet mood. I'm a bit self-conscious of my belly, I'm worried because I haven't had a really good boner in quite a while (Like two weeks. I think it's my weight. I'll weigh myself nude tomorrow.) but I haven't had many lustful thoughts either no matter how hard I try.
On the up side, I'm focused but I just want to have that feeling and know that tension. Jeez, I remember how that feeling would be. Back when I met my gaming friends we were going to this convention for a Vampire LARP (back in 94? 93?) and we got a room together. I was one of the people who slept really late and I was always the last one to leave. I woke up to the phone ringing and on the other end was this girl who sounded like she was crying. diary_spivak kicked in and I asked if she was alright. Now part of my reasoning at the time was "Hey, if I play Joe Sensitive and comfort her maybe I'll get to screw her." but the majority of my mind was thinking "Wow, someone really needs to talk to someone else."
The woman was playing with herself, phoning random rooms and masturbating. Fucking Christ. I felt my kundalini blaze up, rush of heat from my tail bone to the back of my neck followed by my heart pulsing and needing to catch my breath.
What kills me is that this was back when I was jerking off like crazy. At least three times daily as necessary. I wonder what might've happened. Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I'm fat and old. Maybe I'm in one of those slumps where I don't think many naughty thoughts.
At least I still check the scrambled Spice Channel to see what's going on and if they're doing the kind of stuff that I like to watch and do.
"There is no kind of beast on earth, no fowl that flieth with its wings, but the same is a people like unto you; then unto their Lord shall they return."
Lemme see, got up, did happy computer things, watched DBZ, ate, gamed and came home.
One thing that bothered me tonight was the fact that I seem to know many people who have allergies, especially allergies that come from pet dander. I have no real feelings of sympathy for them because I go through my allergies (pollen of some sort) and it doesn't affect me except I pick my nose more and breathe through my mouth. When I think of people with allergies, I think of whiney nebbishes who go to the doctor for every little malady that strikes them and therefore their immune system is weakened because chemicals and science do the job the immune system would have handled in the first place if they had the patience to go through their allergies or colds only to become stronger after it.
Reminds me of this one time where I went to the doctor after being hassled by everyone because I was sick in their eyes. I felt fine and knew that it would eventually pass but to everyone else what afflicted me was dire in their eyes.
Turns out it was a cold and by the time I went to see the doctor I was already on the upswing and beating the virus.
Heart conditions. Brain cancer. Pancreatic failure. All important and life threatening. Going to a doctor because of a cold is absolutely goofy. I was never more embarassed in my life.
On the other hand, I once had a 105 fever and I was delirious and raging. It was an eternity, in my eyes, until I was taken to see a doctor and the only thing I really needed was juice. Lots and lots of juice, not a doctor. So my sister comes home from work and trucks me over to the doctor who takes me in, glances at me and gives me a fucking shot in a way that hurt rather than just a mere prick in the arm. Plus he was an asshole, he was a customer at my father's business a few times and the doc oozed prickness.
A few years later his practice had a fire and the office was closed for less than a year. Couldn't have happened to a nicer person.
All in all, a little suffering is good for you. Ain't that nice? Especially since it completely contrasts the little quote up above?
Not much happened today. Just antsy about uploading the new page. I think I'll do it tomorrow just for the fuck of it. It was around this time last year I was composing the page before you. Hm, I dunno if I can say that a lot of stuff has happened. There certainly were two major storylines going on, unemployment and changes in relationships both of which took their toll on me.
Why am I only talking about me? Because it's my fucking diary and it's all about me. Me. Me. Me! Down! Down! Down! Go go go! Mine mine mine!
Other than that, I'm well fed and feeling quite good right now. The whole idea of money is barely tangible now but I know soon enough it will be in my hot little hands!
I want to start off this entry by thanking GreyDruid for his help with composing my stylesheet and answering the few HTML questions I put to him. Also Benny for showing me how to do a redirect for those of you who have linked to the old pages of my site and lastly I would like to thank Jerri_Blank for sending me the amazing picture below.
Reading diaries today was a real hoot. I should take time to link other LambdaMOO diaries here. If you know of any others (I can only think of three offhand at the moment) please email me and lemme know. When I have at least fifteen online diaries, I'll make a list of them here.
I have no clue when my folks are coming back, I think it's Saturday but it could be Friday.
Things to do
- Take out air conditioner
- Clean out cars
- Pay parking ticket
- Pick up dog shit from backyard
- Dispose of recyclables in my room
- Clean up the house
- Get empty film cannister
Not much else going on around here. I keep thinking there should be a bit more I should write but I'm just too fucking tired.
Strange dream.
Last night my dream drifted in shadows until I found myself once again at my grandmother's place. It's a tiny, white house that holds many memories for me. I was walking around the back of the house and I saw there were many small pools of water and I knew there were baby alligators lurking beneath the surface. I went inside and aquired an aquarium filled with frogs. They weren't the kind of frogs I have, African Clawed Frogs, but little leopard frogs that were a bit more streamlined like the tree frogs of Central America. Most of them seemed to be fairly content and I brought them up to my sister's room in the house and left them there with this really friendly greensnake.
Downstairs it was dark and when I stepped out onto the patio I noticed that there was industrial shelving over the ponds and stacked up on them were more alligators which had been breeding like crazy. I wasn't afraid but I wasn't stupid and avoided going out that way and went back upstairs to check on the frogs grabbing a spritzer bottle from the kitchen. The aquarium was fine, the greensnake was wandering around the room and there was this one frog who was chewing away at the wire mesh top of the aquarium. I could see his little open wound of a mouth which had a single tooth, at least I hoped it was a tooth and not a point where his skin wore away and his upper palate was showing through. Concerned about the frogs drying out, I spritzed them well and placed four cans of soda at each corner of the aquarium's lid in hopes that would keep the active frog from destroying the covering.
Brief interlude, this picture is my father's new car.
I now continue with the dream already in progress.
The greensnake was following me and I picked him up. The whole front yard of my grandmother's house was filled with more of those shelves with alligators but it looked traversable. A few alligators nipped at my hair, their teeth getting caught in one of my tangles and tugging like a vent brush. Someone was coming out of the house across the street and I passed the greensnake off to them while I went back in for the frogs. Soon enough, we were on our way somewhere.
We hopped a train's boxcar because the greensnake was starting to get really agitated to the point that it screeched at me. When I grabbed him, his throat felt like it was filled with air and figured it was painful. Time passed as we went through pine forests and wheat fields until we hopped off the train (leaving the frogs in the boxcar) and went to find a house. Apparently we were supposed to be delivering the snake to the house or the house had a veterinarian who'd know how to heal the snake. Either way, gray aliens with pink skin lived in that house came out and took the greensnake. Whew.
My stranger friend and I wandered our way back through the streets until we were in some urban area like downtown NYC. In the middle of the street was this keen black Victorian house with turrets and next door was this outdoor diner where the counter was outside with an awning overhead and the stools all in a row. While sitting there and waiting to order, Annie Sprinkle came up and ordered stuff for herself. There was a lot of old diary spivak lingering around in my psyche in that dream because I tried not to notice her but she grabbed my hand and put it on her ass where I started fingerfucking her asshole. We head over to the old Victorian place where she pays for a parking ticket and pushes me into a closet with her where I play with her boobies. When I came out, I had a fucking parking ticket even though I didn't drive to get there. The parking ticket was just taped to the closet door made out to me.
Not much is going on today, just moving the air conditioner out of my room (my room was actually warm last night instead of being cool and the usual dicking around the house kinda stuff. I am looking for ghost stories to post here so email me or MOOmail me with your story. I already have two for the month of October. Danke.
Surprise! Surprise! Devotchka called me today!!!
We talked for a bit about lots of stuff, what's going on with her, what's going on with me, my trip, all that kinda fun stuff. What bugged me is that I had this feeling of wanting to show her the places I mentioned in my anecdotes. Grr. Someday, most definitely.
One final thing, I am thinking about getting a netcam and putting a live pic on my page. Maybe. Thing is that I'm not doing anything particularly interesting in the first place, it'd just be my changing expressions, typing and talking on the phone. People seem to be into that kind of stuff but I want to have something interesting. That's why I changed this site around and made its focus my regular and gaming diaries instead of having all that extranneous bullshit which is still available just not linked to anything. If I do make any additions to the site, it'll be about MOOing. A list of links to the people who read *stonecutters or @peek on *stonecutters and tweaking The Pasture so the javascript works on all browsers.
