November 1999
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I know I haven't updated the diary in a few days and I apologize to anyone who's been reading these words and been wondering why nothing has been posted.
I just didn't feel up to it and I really had nothing to say. I do have points in my life that are great but overall they are few and far between even when they are constants in my life and I just settle into the background noise content at being unnoticed. Nobody. Another face in the crowd.
I learned something really keen today. Phone books have fake ads that are put in there to thwart competing phone books that steal ads out of the Bell phonebook and use it as their own.
Heard a story about this old lady in south Jersey who consistently gets phone calls for "Autobahn Sign Company" in Cherry Hill/Mt. Laurel and she's just some old lady who's trying to lead a quiet life that gets constantly interrupted by enquiring callers wanting signs to be made. Last I heard, her pleas for help have fallen upon deaf ears.
This is just so fucking cool, IMO, because it is definitely a way to pad out one's resume by placing these fake companies and giving yourself credibility by saying "Look! It's there in the phone book!" Hehehe.
Though finding out this kinda stuff is time consuming, phoning ad after ad after ad until you finally get one of those automatic recordings, a strange tone, modem noise or a badly faked answering machine message that runs at all hours of the day even though it's a business.
I remember hearing something along these lines a year ago with road maps. Map companies will put phantom roads on their maps to thwart theft of their maps by unscrupulous competitors. So much for reliability, Hagstrom. Some guy purchased a map (I can't remember if the story was in Weird NJ or Fortean Times) and noticed that there was a highway near his neighborhood that he never heard of before. He asked his family, friends and local police and they were befuddled by the whole idea. He ventured out to the phantom highway only to find a normal suburban neighborhood unmarred by a highway. When he contacted the map company, that's when they told their little secret.
I think these kinds of things are really neat and I know that the first thing that I would think in this kind of situation (trusting soul that I am who takes everything at face value) is think that these companies are transdimensional to expand their client base and to bring in more money. Just think. A Bell phonebook from Nazi occupied America showing up in the wrong dimension causing nothing but hell because it's a legitimate phonebook from Bell. Just not the right dimension. Doesn't have to be that extreme, it could just be that one business exists in a parallel earth and just doesn't in the other earth. All the strange secrets and technologies owned by these transcorporations to maintain such a client base that they make vast amounts of money to buy that extra ivory backscratcher. Maybe an ivory backscratcher from a dimension that's lousy with elephants. Then again, maybe not.
I'm feeling alright. I know I should be taking pictures around my house and of my room to post here but I haven't gotten around to it because I don't have the money to develop film but I certainly have the balls to get a four back of 400 speed film via five finger discount.
Today wasn't an entire waste. Right now I've got an idea brewing in my head that's revitalizing a story that I've been working on for a year or more. I finished filling up my camera with pictures and hope to get them developed soon so I can get on to projects that I've been meaning to do on my webpage to actually have this page represent my HTML (and to a lesser extent JavaScript) skills.
I'm definitely not a programmer. I remember back in high school when I was learning BASIC on a HP machine (I don't think it was old when I was using it, but it sure felt like it was an old machine) writing silly programs like:
10 ? "SUK MI HUJ FUKN DIK!"
20 GOTO 10
30 END
And I remember how I would choke when I was trying to figure out FOR/NEXT loops. The only thing that made the class worthwhile was there was a guy who called himself The Phantom who would pull shit with his remote computer. Make the screen flash. Delete files after they were printed out. Switching passwords. Never found out who this person was or if they were caught but I thought it was keen.
I'm writing this entry offline because my ISP is acting up. Hopefully they'll get everything in order come tomorrow morning so I can upload this entry and other things that I want on the website. Every time I try to log on around 10 p.m. I keep getting the Ascend server (that's the 0007 line, not the 0008 line) and lately it's been finicky by booting me off or not letting me visit any websites. ObJaybird: Sigh.
Lastly, I didn't choke on the HTML assessment. I was shocked that the HTML assessment actually told you how to do image maps! What the fuck is with that shit? Some pecker's going to come in, take the assessment and pass because the book told em how to do image maps? And there was a program available for doing the image map too! Okay, the HTML assessment was given on a Mac so I reckon they have low expectations since Macs are prevalent in the desktop/web publishing business and Mac users are idiots.
I made my way through the first page and started on the second page but that's when time was called and I had to stop. Fucker. And I did quite well, but the following interview went a bit too fast. I gave quick, concise answers that just put forward the idea that I'm willing to work, I'm not there to get a job and socialize and I can handle tight deadlines. Sure these jobs will be temporary but it'll bring in more money to my pocket. More money than what I've been earning recently with my other endeavors.
Oh boy, things just get better and better around here. My ISP doesn't have technical support on weekends and it seems that they don't have anyone running the damned place on weekends either. All these entries will get posted once I get back online which will probably be Monday.
Plus my gray rustbucket has finally returned home, but I'm hesitant to drive it anywhere because it was so fucked-up before it died the first time. Must have something to do with the oil and a sparkplug. I hope that it's only a blown sparkplug. That's really cheap to fix.
Anyway, this means I can't even make it down to the library to use their internet connection (which has recently become very quick and reliable) to check hotmail and to bitch out my ISP via email at the crappy service but I can't get onto LambdaMOO from there. Maybe I should ask the ladies if they could have telnet set up on the machines so I could access remote computers and stuff. At least then I could read *stonecutters, the other lists and get my fix.
I believe there are magical qualities to cold air that draw out the starlight much more than warm air ever could. When I let the dogs out and gazed upwards, I felt such joy at the sight of more than just Jupiter and Saturn. Far more than the simple stars of Orion, but the dimmer, finer stars that fulfill the ancient patterns.
After a short period of warm weather, it seems that winter's iron fist is wrapping Earth in its cold shadow and will keep the planet in its dark grip for the proper four months.
Such a lovely night, I think I should make it a practice to walk back and forth to the car instead of just keeping it in the driveway because I miss out, unintentionally, on the night's beauty. I remember when I used to be more restless at night and I would wander around town visiting the places haunted by people by day and haunted by me at night. Trying every door. Looking in every window. Thinking up bizarre things about the men's clothing store across the way. They'd have their lights on at all hours of the night then I would notice that there were people arriving in the night and staying there for a while. Either this place had very late hours or they were hiding something. I figured that they were vampires. I would walk past them as stealthily as possible, I'd even try the door and it would be open. I never got up the nerve to go inside and look around, perhaps hide amongst the expensive suits and listen for anything.
At least I had the nerve to write up a note that said "I know you are vampires. Your secret is safe with me. Please consider bringing me across. Leave a reply in the phonebooth." I'd check the phonebooth when there was ABSOLUTELY no one looking and check but they'd never reply.
Fuck.
But I'm content knowing that this place is run by vampires, even they have to make a living. I guess these undead have a problem with stealing money from the people they drain dry, feeling the blood is enough and taking any more would be a sin.
I'm feeling better on the inside and that's a Good Thing (tm). As to why I'm feeling better, that's something special for me to hold and cherish. Maybe I'll tell another time.
Motherfucker. The weatherman says that tomorrow's going to be pleasant and in the high 60's.
I WANT MY GOD DAMNED COLD WEATHER! It's so fucking miserable when it's warm, I just wish that I could thrust the earth into eternal darkness and winter with maybe a month of summer that never goes above 85 degrees. More later.
Yet another unbelievably warm day. It's night time now and it's still warm. Fucker.
The forecast for tomorrow says that it's going to be cooler with rain, highs in the low 50's. Please oh please oh please let it be true and that this becomes a trend of steadily declining temperatures.
Oh yeah, maribou's a meanie for picking on me when she looked at my diary entries and decided that this spivak is much "kinder and gentler" than the spivak one knows from LambdaMOO. Fuck, I thought I maintained my coarseness and venomousness in all aspects of my life. Pay no attention to the fat man behind the keyboard.
The fat man who weighs less than Firesign, just want to point that out.
So far my job search hasn't returned any viable prospects. Either people want freelance (not an option) work or part time (need health insurance), no full time. And the full time jobs are minimum wage jobs that I really don't want to take. I'll think about working at the liquor warehouse again long before I do one of those. 10 bucks an hour and five finger discount on pretzels and booze, not entirely bad but all discussions in the loading docks deal with women's private parts. Trying to talk about something else just infuriates the other workers, especially if you ask them if they've read any good books lately or seen any good movies.
Plus they said I had to pay union dues even though I was part time at the time and I never saw any benefits to that. Thieves! The whole lot of them. I tried getting my money back after I got laid off (this was like 8 years ago) because I never saw any benefits from the union other than I had less in my paycheck. I called the little smarmy guinea bastard a thief and slugged him when he said I wouldn't get my money. Screw doing things the right way, violence is the most satisfying answer.
Strange, I seemed to have missed a day or so. 11/9 is supposed to be the entry for 11/10.
Spamming to get back up to date. Grr, I'm such a putz.
Tonight was good and bad.
First while driving home I saw a raccoon on the side of the road and I just had to turn around and check on him. As I got closer I could see he was opening and closing his mouth repeatedly and I don't think his eyes were open. I shucked off my leather jacket and tore out the lining to pick him up because I didn't want some car to come along and begin the process of road death. Poor little guy.
As I picked him up I could feel his entire body throbbing, breath pressing out against his rib cage, heart pounding like a motherfucker, and not once did he squeal or bite me. Torn between bringing him home with me so he could at least be warm and safe but if he died he'd die afraid in unfamiliar surroundings, and leaving him there in the woods under some leaves to keep him warm so if come morning he was better (I didn't notice anything wrong with him, no blood, I didn't feel anything broken) he could scamper off and tell the tale of the big hairy human that carried him away to his raccoon brethren or die in familiar surroundings peacefully.
I left him in the woods and I hope that he'll be alright. Poor booby.
So I decide to go get something to eat, only natural after carrying wounded wildlife around and headed to a pizzaria that closed at 11. I got there at 10:30 and they waved me away saying they were closed. Motherfuckers. If I wasn't so drained on the inside I would've done something stupid and violent but I drove away and went to McDonalds. Yecch. I wanted something good, not prepackaged.
When I parked at the church and wandered across the front of the school I saw a big buck who started running away. He was so fucking beautiful, antlers still had velvet, muscular and healthy thundering off into the night. I then spied his two girlfriends join him in his escape and it left me feeling pretty good. I whizzed behind the school too.
Just before I crossed the final street to my house I saw this pickup idling in the road for a few minutes and I wondered what his god damned problem was but he zipped off and parked 2 houses down. That's when I found the cigarette butt that he threw out his window into a leaf pile. Stupid cocksucker. I waited a minute then waddled on back to his house and returned his butt in the back of his pickup. Sadly his windows weren't open (delightfully cold and clear tonight, supposed to last for a few days *crosses fingers*) because I would've thrown it in there onto the seats. Now my fingers are all smelly like tobacco and it won't wash off.
Sigh.
I'm really a reserved person who keeps lots of things quiet about my life, especially around people in real life. I don't always tell people what's going on in my life because I feel like I'm "checking in" and it's an obligation. That goes for my family and my friends. Idle chatter isn't really something that I'm into because I just can't do that. If I say something, it's something that's important which makes me come across as coming out of nowhere with news that makes people go "Huh?" I only talk when it's important, I only call people when something is important is going on (mind you, it's stuff I declare to be important so I come across as petty sometimes).
So it was a really big thing to show my Dad my page because I wanted him to know what was going on in my life, at least the superficial stuff and some of the deeper stuff. But when he got into it, he didn't look at my diary because he thought that it was private. Bleh. I figured the first thing he would've peeked at was my diary.
Anyway, he'll look at this again and that will be that.
It's just my way of reaching out because I'm really so awkward.
In other news, the raccoon passed away. I covered him up with leaves and prayed quietly for him. At least he went peacefully.
I kinda ran out of things to say.
Jesus Christ, I can't believe myself. I was talking with one of the people from the Monday game and I was overcome with a wave of irritation because this person was far out of my social circle because they're not online. Well, they are online but they just don't interact.
So I'm very disappointed in myself. I never figured that such a feeling would rise out of me because it seems my social circle needs to have some sort of footing in this spirit haunted box & keyboard.
I need to get away from this. Get out more.
I had a very lovely feeling a while ago when I was at Jockey Hollow in Morristown. It was after the series of rainstorms that soaked NJ ending the droughts but before the one that drowned Millburn and Bound Brook (like most of you would know where those places are). I was sitting in a field looking up at the sky rolling overhead. It was deep gray, cloudy and the wind was whipping all around me in a most refreshing way and I could feel my heart getting that happy feeling within me and suddenly I realized that I was outside.
Most times when I'm outside I have a feeling that I'm still inside. It's strange and sad. But that day I felt like I was outside I began crying because of the happy feeling inside me. I lingered for about an hour before going back to my car since the park was closing. I need to get that again and balance myself from the easy social fix of the internet or just get away from it altogether.
I'm hungry. Okay, it's hungry because I'm bored so I'm probably not hungry in the first place. I'll probably go upstairs and have myself a bagel. It beats eaten ramen, hard boiled eggs or pasta with sauce. Yeah, it's bread and it'll get my insulin up really high (i'm not diabetic but i know the sugar from all these carbohydrates will get my insulin going like crazy and i'll crash) and that's not a good thing.
Just been learning stuff from online and other sources and I realize my diet sucks. Lots of sugar, lots of carbohydrates. And when I do eat, it's just absolute shit. I don't get to each much despite my 300lb frame because of money. Been told that it looks like I've lost weight and I guess I have since I'm wearing my 48" jeans not my 50" jeans, and the 48's are actually kinda loose on me. Hee, without even trying. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
I reckon I just need to eat on a regular basis and know what I'm eating. Everything around here is so cutthroat. Food gets labelled and if the labelled food is touched then catch serious shit and the food that's here isn't even stuff I'd touch. Too many vegetables. Not enough meat. Bread's scarce but goes awfully quick when it does make an appearance.
I'm gonna go warm up an onion bagel and butter it. They're good.
I just slept a lot yesterday. I'm going to rest up a bit for the game this evening and hopefully everything will go nicely. I'm not doing the gaming diary anymore on a regular basis but if I feel that a session was particularly good where I interacted a lot and felt my character shining through everything that is me then I'll post it.
Lordy it's cold outside, I'm even thinking about wearing a jacket more often if this keeps up. My room is definitely frosty and the breeze outside is adding to the ambiance.
I hope that this keeps up and that this cold spell isn't because of wind chill but because of actual cooling. I don't want to see any temperatures above 50 until March 20th.
Tonight's supposed to be the best night for the Leonid meteor showers. When I go drop off my car then walk back home I'll make sure to lie in a field and watch the skies for a bit.
Hopefully the cold will be enough to keep me from sleeping, I hate it when I fall asleep outside and I get all discombobulated not knowing where I am for a minute.
I remember one night when I was really depressed and I went to the south mountain reservation with a comforter and fell asleep at the foot of my cliff, the entire night I was kept awake by deer making a weird lowing sound and strange grating noises that were definitely from animals. I woke up a few minutes after sunrise and wandered back to my car feeling a bit happier than when I arrived, went home and finished up my sleep. It's a lovely feeling to feel dew on your clothes.
The past few days have been bearable, almost good and that makes me happy.
My fingers sting from walking around outside, I should've worn gloves. There was no way that I was going to show any sign that Winter was having an effect on me lest Winter decide he was done and returns to bed for another year. It's a neat feeling too.
No meteors yet, though Sirius looks interesting tonight. When I looked at it once it was flickery-red and another time it was a pale blue. Maybe my eyesight's for shit and I was seeing things. I did let my mind wander and hope inside that Sirius would go nova tonight and light up the sky for a few nights later but that wouldn't be fair. Condemn a race of beings who came to Earth as ancient astronauts to help the Egyptians build the pyramids that were powerful radio transmitters that were fuelled for millennia by the oxidation of corpses.
Maybe not.
But I quickly removed that wish from my head because I wouldn't want to sacrifice billions of alien lives just because of my whims. I guess I'll know in eight years or so.
Still no meteors and I don't know if I'll stay up any longer to see 'em. :(
I'm feeling so burned out. Today I felt like I could barely function, therapy dragged and it usually doesn't drag. Interacting with people just sucked the energy out of me. Being online was a chore and when I finally got myself something to eat, I fell asleep right after I finished it up. Practically hoovered that General Tso's into my gaping yap followed by the fried dumplings which I'm beginning to like cold rather than piping hot. Though there are fried dumplings out there that have kickass sauce to dunk the dumplings in and those I like warm. I reckon that it's the fat that I'm wanting badly rather than the fried meat in a chewy doughy shell.
After I conked out, I dreamt that I was watching the Charlie Brown Christmas Special which kept me wondering why I was watching it since it was far too early in the season for it to be playing. Eventually I got drawn into the cartoon and the cartoon became real and the Charlie Brown stuff became an afterthought and it became my Christmas special. Don't remember much about it either.
I'm dreading going out to the car, driving it back and walking back here but it's something I gotta do. I didn't do it in the first place when I went out for Chinese because I wanted to eat, I hadn't eaten all day until that point and I just wanted to fill my fat gut.
But that's all done now and things are good-ish. Just feeling tired. Maybe tomorrow I won't feel so tired.
I went to a website to have a tarot reading done and here are the results. The question was "What does my future hold?"
The center of the Celtic Cross is the card you have chosen to represent yourself.
KNIGHT OF CLUBS -- A journey. Advancement into the unknown. Alteration. Fight. Absence. Change of residence.
The first card you have chosen has been placed on top of your card. This is the card that covers you and it represents the general atmosphere regardings your query.
THE FOOL -- Thoughtlessness. Folly. Extravagance. Lack of discipline. Immaturity. Irrationality. Insecurity. Frivolity. Delirium. Frenzy. Enthusiasm. Naiveté.
The second card is placed horizontally across the current two cards. This card represents opposing elements (for good or evil) surrounding your query.
THE DEVIL -- Ravage. Bondage. Malevolence. Subservience. Downfall. Weird experience. Bad outside influence or advice. Black magic. Unexpected failure. Inability to realize goals. Violence. Shock. Fatality. Self-punishment. Temptation to evil. Self-destruction.
The third card, the card beneath, represents the basis of your query; this is something already a part of the experience.
EIGHT OF CLUBS (reversed) -- Thorns of dispute. Jealousy. Harassment. Stagnation. Domestic quarrels.
The fourth card, the card behind, represents an element that is just coming to pass ,or, has just pass.
NINE OF SWORDS (reversed) -- Suspicion. Slanderous gossip. Shame. Scruple. Timidity. Shady character. Reasonable fear.
The fifth card, the card that crowns, represents a possible aspect of the future. This is not a card of certainty.
THE MAGICIAN -- Originality. Creativity. Imagination. Spontaneity. Self-confidence, Ingenuity, Flexibility, Masterfullness, Self-control. Deception. Sleight of hand.
The sixth card, the card before, represents strong aspects of the future surrounding your query.
SEVEN OF CUPS (reversed) -- Desire. Determination. Strong willpower. A goal nearly attained. Intelligent choice.
With the 7th card begins the view into the deeper aspects of your situation. This card represents your fears, negative feelings or other uncertainties.
KING OF COINS (reversed) -- Corruption. Using any means to achieve the desired end. Vice. Avarice. Unfaithfulness. An old and vicious man. Peril. Thriftlessness.
This card represents your family's (or close friends') influence or opinions. Think of this as the close external forces.
NINE OF CLUBS -- Expectation of difficulties and changes. Anticipation. Hidden enemies. Deception. Discipline. Order. A pause in a current struggle.
The next to last card represents your hopes and desires. The forces you are currently adding (conscious or otherwise) .
THE STAR (reversed) -- Unfulfilled hopes. Disappointment. Pessimism. Bad luck. Lack of opportunity. Stubbornness. Bull-headedness. Imbalance. Conclusion of an unsatisfactory business experience or social friendship.
The last card brings together the entire reading. This card represents the final outcome of your query.
THE HIEROPHANT -- Ritualism. Mercy. Kindness. Forgiveness. Inspiration. Compassion. Servitude. Inactivity. Timidity. Captivity to ones own ideas. Tendency to cling to outdated ideas and principles. Conformity. A religious or spiritual leader.
I actually ate today and felt filled! None of this scavenging bullshit that I've been doing.
My job search is going alright but it's hard not to be discouraged by the lack of responses. Perhaps I shouldn't have put "I know where you live, I know where your wife lives. Hire me or face the consequences." on my cover letters.
Lord-a-goshen! I forgot! Tomorrow is the mass for those who died this year at 11:30 a.m. and I want to be there. I know I'm no longer part of their flock but I still respect my grandmother and want to do right by her because I still love her very much. If it wasn't for her I'm certain that I would've turned into a real monster, not some overweight moron with delusions of being cruel and acting them out on MOO.
I'm going to head to bed in a few minutes and hopefully I'll be awake in time to go. I wasn't able to go for my grandfather because I didn't know there was going to be a mass for the dead that year. Sigh.
Today was alright, just things felt tense. If I type any more, I'll just be rambling.
Good night.
How pathetic, I'm all drained and from doing nothing. Today was none of my business, I don't know why I woke up in the first place. Probably to fill the empty hours between now and 7:30 when King of the Hill is on Sunday.
Simpsons sucked. Futurama was fun but I could only 1/2 watch it. King of the Hill was fun and I wished that I had seen it from the start. Seems like the cartoons were starting 10 minutes late or something. Stupid sports. I hate sports. I hate 'em, I hate 'em, I hate 'em!!!! I wish they would die! Ahahahahahahahaha. Or something.
I really should be taking pictures and be productive than being on the computer.
Yet another day of sent resumes and no replies. The only replies that I have gotten were with agencies and if I wasn't so desperate I would always hang up on them because employment agencies just dick around then get all haughty when one calls every day to see if there are new positions and reply with "We'll call you. Don't call us." Fuckers.
Oh well, the day is young and so am I. I'm goin' food shopping tonight!
Thanksgiving just sneaked up behind me. I should pay more attention, I know if I was working regularly I would have been anticipating the holiday but I know I'm caught with my pants down. I haven't gotten anything for my sister's birthday nor do I feel I can get her anything except a card and a hug. So fucking pathetic.
I'm gonna get her the "The End" black beanie baby bear. Maybe something extra, maybe not. I don't know how much those fuckers cost.
I went food shopping tonight and it felt good to get food to shovel into my fat face for once. After weeks of subsisting on macaroni in sauce or ramen noodle soup, actually having access to fresh meat is a good thing.
My List
- 2 pkgs kielbasa
- 2 pkgs pierogies
- 2 cans of human dog food (Superiore Mini Raviolis)
- 2 loaves of rye bread
- Salami
- A 4 pack of Pillsbury biscuits (only 1.89)
- 2 boxes of rotini
- 2 jars of italian sausage and garlic sauce
So very lovely.
Just a side note, when I was walking home with my groceries I noticed that the foggy air smelled like root beer. Weird. And in keeping with my recent whinings, I hope it gets colder, unbearably so. It's just not the holidays if it's not cold.
Life sucks and it's none of your fucking business why.
I just pray for one thing that will make me thankful tomorrow because I really don't need this shit right about now.
I feel better than I did earlier.
The only thing that I have to share is that when my sister came home we talked for a bit and she told me that she's proud that I'm her brother. I cried. Today was rough.
I went out and bought rice and chicken broth despite the fact I wasn't going to make Italian rice this Thanksgiving because it's such a pain in the ass to make and despite the fact it's so darned tasty. My sister's teeth are bothering her and she needs something soft to eat otherwise she'll just go nuts from being hungry. Lucky thing that Pathmark was open too, I was under the impression that it was going to be closed from a half-read sign the last time I was there on a late night foraging.
Anyway on my way back from parking my car at the church I came across another stag, probably the same stag I saw earlier this month. He was so beautiful, antlers perfectly shaped, created by a greater hand than man could ever dare to surpass. I walked past him and he didn't run, just watching me lumber past about 14 feet away from him. It was a lovely feeling. Now I'm going to head to bed once I've had a nice beverage.
I want to wish you a happy Thanksgiving.
This was a good Thanksgiving and a much busier one than ones I could remember which came before. It started out with just my parents, sister and the wonderful woman who took care of my grandmother. Even though I was feeling sad during Thanksgiving because of some stuff going on in my life, I tried to remind myself of the things I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful that I have my family which kept itself together instead of breaking up in divorce like many that I've heard about. I'm thankful that I knew my grandmother because without her I would have become something much more awful than I already know I am. I am thankful for the people who are in my life and have touched my life somehow, I hold those friends very dear. Even the ones I haven't met in real life and those who I've met only briefly in real life. Friends are more important, IMO, than family because I reckon family eventually feels resentment towards you because they didn't have the choice to choo-choo-choose you (and there's a picture of a train). Friends don't have to be your friend, but for some reason family will always be family and that's what makes friendship extraordinarily special.
And I'm thankful for internet access because without it I'm certain the emptiness in my life would be a much more terrible kind of emptiness than the emptiness I have right now.
We ate, people started showing up around dessert-time bringing doughnuts, guinea goodies and conversation. I just sat quietly at the table picking at my food and rarely speaking up though I did want to mention that as far as I know Thanksgiving was a holiday created by the pilgrims to have a different holiday than Christmas because they felt Christmas was a monster created by the Church of England. I can't understand this whole "harsh winter" theory since the holiday takes place in November. Had it taken place in February I'd buy into the mythology, but November is hardly after the dead of winter.
My Dad's friends showed up and my mother's family showed up and the house was busier than I can remember it being in Thanksgivings past and it was a nice feeling even though I didn't participate too much.
Goodness, last night was one of the better nights that I had in a while and brought me out of the funk I was in during Thanksgiving.
Went out to see End of Days and it sucked big time. I know I should've looked at the reviews as they flashed onscreen and noticed that it wasn't "Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times" but "Herb Tarlek of the Medicine Hat Express". It was very predictable and Arnold wasn't believable. When he was on Stern he was saying how this role was a departure for him because in the beginning he was near suicide. Putting a gun to one's head doesn't mean suicide, especially as emotionless and without background as this one was. Plus End of Days wasn't even brainless fun with any memorable quotes. The best I could remember was the girl handing over some Xanax to Arnold saying it calms her and he says "I do alcohol". Zzzzzzzzz.
The chick did resemble Etoile in a just had plastic surgery and a haircut way.
Then Tim and I went over to RPS in Monmouth where I got to play L5R instead of just sitting around on Tuesday nights waiting to get a hand in edgewise. It was a multiplayer game that started out with Lion getting creamed for honor running followed by Ninja being crushed since it had the potential to become dangerous. Being able to send units home from battle with the stronghold and when the stronghold is bowed is ugly. By this time I had a decent army of Naga built up but I was trepidatious since Tim was playing Spawning Grounds (I didn't make my deck anti-shadowlands with some "Stall Until Sunrises") and the other guy was playing duelling Unicorn (even though he never really got off a duel). I decided to offer them myself as an ally just to stave them off for a little longer. Pretty much if Tao of the Naga (Nagas are immune to the Imperial Favor) popped up, I wouldn't offer this but it didn't and I offered. Ninja was pissy that I didn't offer it to him but it was such a cracked stronghold and could see he would just play until he was last man standing that I wanted a chance. Tim and Unicorn cut and Unicorn won. We crushed the rest of Tim's provinces and I conceded to the Unicorn player even though I could have easily crushed his final province (I still had all 4 and a definite army strength of 20 [58 or so if I used Shahadet, more if I decided to bow Shahadet again for another x2 force on all Naga cards since I had a Naga Apprentice attached).
But it was my first night there and I got lucky so I decided to stay true to my word.
We went back to Tim's place and hung out in the car for a bit talking about shit, catching up on stuff we didn't have the chance to while gaming or recently because he's been working and without a car. It was cool being able to catch up on things that have been going on in our lives, looking back on other stuff, being surprised at how long we've known each other (five or six years) and me having a chance to talk a little about my troubles. Even then I held back but I was able to tell a little bit. I didn't get home until 3 a.m. or so and when I did I just went unconscious when I got horizontal.
Just a day of sleepin' and watching TV. Not much got done but it was a good day. Though I'm annoyed I probably missed out on ice cream cake for my sister's birthday.
She's 27.
I got up late, I couldn't make it to go into the city with friends to catch Princess Mononoke because of cash and I was going to decorate my dad's shop anyway. I got there around three, lugged all the Christmas stuff out of storage, decorated a little, went for garland at the dollar store, went to Target for lights (I got them cheap, only 1.99 for 100 lights/32 feet, 1.78 for 50 lights) and went back to read magazines.
Around the time King of the Hill came on, I was ready to get going and got the garland up on the ceiling the way I usually do it. I worked through the Simpsons since it was yet another suck-ass episode. Jeez, the episodes are just Homer Simpson with the family as a supporting cast. I know I'm repeating myself but I just can't get over the fact that these shows aren't any good anymore. Futurama was fun though, I reckon all of Groening's effort is going into that cartoon while The Simpsons generates cash.
I got the lights up and was quite thankful to have these little sticky hooks for the lights instead of bolstering the lights with scotch tape. The job was much easier and less frustrating :)
Got myself a little something to eat, put on the finishing touches and the decorations were finished. Okay, not entirely finished since I still have to put up the big wreaths in the shop.
Now I'm home and ready to go to bed, I think I'll get a beard trim tomorrow since it's been getting in my way while eating lately. Can't have that. Must maintain morbid obesity.
Just posting something a bit early to make up for not being punctual with the previous two entries. I recently noticed that men in the fifties are much different than men in the nineties. Men in the fifties would stay out late, drink beer, smoke cigars and play poker a lot. When they got home they'd have to put up with their wives waiting at the door to crack them onna skull with a frying pan and bitch them out.
Guys in the nineties stay out late, drink soda, don't smoke and play L5R or M:tG or Pokemon all night. When they get home, they hope that they weren't locked out by their mothers.
I've gotten more angry stares when I've brought that up at gaming meetings. I figure it hits a little close to home, not that I'm one to say I'm different or better.
The only thing I'm really looking forward to is putting this month into diaries.html (this file no longer exists because it got too big) and setting up the calendar.
I've been feeling very drained lately and just hope that things get better.
A few weeks ago I got myself a booster of Ambition's Debt which I didn't promptly open and when I opened it up today (it was in my car) I saw that I got the At'tok'tuk Sensei!!! Woo hoo! Now I can bring in ratlings as if they were aligned to my clan, sadly the sensei doesn't work with the Dragon Clan. Grrr. I figure I'll just tweak a Dragon Dishonor deck and make a Naga/Ratling deck instead. Oh yeah, and I got two Ratling Archers. Sweet card, ranged 2 without bowing once per turn.
I just want to get my hands on Lord Moon's Bones and maybe fill out my tattoo collection with 2 more lion tattoos.
Eh, enough geek talk. I think on Friday I'll see about going to RPS again since I had so much fun the last time.
I'm gonna make meatloaf tonight. It's been a while since I had some.
Enough for now.
