March 2000
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My room is finally cleaned. It took from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. to get everything done. Whew. I don't have much else to share but I found a journal entry from 1992 which I'll put up.
I saw a preying mantis for the first time ever. My mom pointed it out when she was bringing in the groceries tonight. It climbed the wall and fell, moving its great wings to break the fall. It finally made it and is resting on the black lamp outside.
I was watching it through the window seeing it clean her large forelegs. It turned at me when I touched the glass near it. The mantis seemed to look at me and moved its jaws. They were so tiny but if I focused I could see 'em. I had a bad thought. I haven't seen Pud (Pudding, my old black cat) in a day or two and she'd always sit under the light waiting to be let in before Gina (a german shepherd we had for a few months then got rid of because she barked too much) frightened her away being just Gina, I guess. When it looked at me the thought crossed my mind. (I figure the bad thought was Pud was dead and reincarnated)
I remember Brian telling me about when he saw a mantis when he was little and his friend tried to catch it under a glass and bisected it. My dad planted the eggs earlier this summer but I didn't see one no matter how hard I looked in the garden.
I think in China and Japan they're revered insects along with the cricket. I sorta thought about getting a cage from one of those countries (I know they have them for crickets) just that it would be cool. Then it would be cruel to do that to a being that lives only 2 seasons or a year if lucky. It would be better off in the wild
Last summer I considered using a mantis as the mascot for my comics co. and still am. I see it as a Japanese banner like in the 7 Samurai on a red field. To me it seems like a noble insect.
I thought it was cool going through a spider's web and didn't get attacked at all. The spider would need brass balls to do that.
I don't kill spiders. I catch 'em and set them free, they're good.
Now the mantis is sleeping (if it can) or it looks like it. We used to get beautiful big webs here and at my old place but none this year. Maybe next.
I'm still beat to shit from cleaning up my room. I never knew there was so much in there that needed to be removed or stored. I also have a picture of myself with Kinja.
Too busy right now to add anything. My room's still clean. My mother's even more unstable than she has been in days. I know she's on mood-altering hormones but I don't think she's been taking them.
Something spooky, I've been hearing that she's been going into my room (my privacy has never been violated before) for a few minutes then exiting without a word. I hope to find out, albeit second hand, why this is going on. Alright, it's spooky to me. Just bizarre and lets you see how pathetic things can get around here.
Well this sucks. I wrote up an entry for the 4th and emailed it to me via hotmail and when I downloaded it at my home email it got chopped up. Bah. Same goes for the text I wrote updating naga.html and decks.html (not that there was anything too interesting there).
I had a lovely weekend with Kinja too. I got to pet a rottie this weekend with Kinja and she was really cool and got me the second annotated Lovecraft collection by S.T. Joshi which I've only flipped through once but I'll read it more tonight. Not much else to say really, just a tiny bit irritated that I got screwed up html files in email. :(
Things could be better.
I'm feeling lots of anger right now and I feel the only way I can feel better is to express myself violently. But who will be the focus of my anger? Some passing shmoe in the street? Someone who pissed me off? Myself? I need power in my life. I need to realize the few things that I want out of life and maintain them when I finally have them. Right now I feel anything that I do aquire will be transient and can be torn away at any moment. A trip around the USA visiting people from online. The nice thing about doing this is there will (hopefully) be other dreams and life ambitions after I take care of myself taking care of that dream. A small house in the middle of nowhere with a rottie or two, a pickup truck, a good telescope and a computer.
Right now I can't get that kind of stuff and somehow I feel getting that kinda stuff is completely out of my reach and beyond my means but damn it I have to get it. I don't want to be unfulfilled for my entire life. I want to be happy and not get in anyone's way IRL. Not have to depend on anyone for support. To have the few things in my life that give me joy and not have to stress about them (like gaming on tuesdays and stressing that i won't get much sleep come wednesday morning and not being my best if/when i work).
I'm dreading Wednesday.
Lately I expected the worst of people, admonished myself for not giving people the benefit of the doubt only to realize I was right all along and people can be as bad as I thought they could be. I don't want to expect anything on Wednesday. I'm just glad Kinja will be there with me.
You can never trust a flat-chested woman.
Why? Because I said so. Also because they lack the visual stimuli of their more blessed sisters and need to exercise their devious, conniving side to pick up the slack. Think of it, what's more disappointing than bringing a woman home with the intent of some raunchy sex and as she's removing her bra you see her bouncy boobs were just smoke and mirrors to distract you from the fact she's built like an ironing board.
Now there are varying degrees of untrustworthiness in flat chested women. If a woman's just flat, then you could probably lend her money and have a decent chance of getting some of it back. But if the woman with fried eggs has a fixation on anal sex, you better keep an eye on her. All she has to offer, which she has resigned herself to, is her ass. Nothing good comes from the ass.
What do I consider flat? B cup and smaller. Screw the "more than a mouthful is a waste" bullshit. If you just want a mouthful get into sucking cock. Gimme a woman with a real rack who feels like a woman all over.
I highly suggest if you're going to date a woman, find out what her real breast size is, find out if she's had breast implants and how much she changed in order to get more stares her way. If she went from a C to a D, there shouldn't be any problem. But if she was an AAA and went to a C, run! Don't be fooled by big women who have big chests because most of them only have big chests because they're 3 feet tall and 400 lbs. If they were liposuctioned and the yards of excess skin were trimmed off, I'm certain the majority of them would be flat. Just yesterday on Jerry Springer they had a "I've got a secret to tell" episode and this guy revealed he was cheating with an enormous stripper who thundered out onstage. Her boobs looked big, but they didn't fit her body and it was obvious she would've been flat if she shed those pounds.
Eh, I wrote this because it made my friend Tim laugh, yesterday was Mardi Gras and I wanted to post something that was more in-line with how I act on LambdaMOO. Plus I had no material other than a lovely dinner with Kinja, showed her my recently cleaned room and spent some time together in there. See ya.
I did laundry today! Excitement was written in the stars. Now I sleep.
Today's a particularly tiny day. I slept through much of it and I hope that tonight will be peaceful and maybe Kinja might stop by if she has the time. Going to the gym and just being tired because she works might keep her. Other than that, I definitely need to get my card trades in order and send them out tomorrow. I hate procrastinating.
More to come if life warrants it.
I never knew there were so many houses that still had their Christmas lights still up. It's really depressing to drive around and see houses with those stupid icicle lights still up or a tipped-over lighted Santa hanging from the roof. How hard can it be to take down the decorations? I think it's only recently that my friend Tim took down his Christmas decorations.
As for the little town I live in there are five dry cleaning services and at least 2 others in adjoining towns that might as well be in my town. Is the market that hungry for clean shirts and pressed pants that we're overrun by one hour martinizing or silver hangers? How the heck are they making money?
I didn't upload this yesterday (it's the 12th now) because I had trouble logging in and when I finally got around to getting online I just couldn't be bothered.
Lovely, dreary and cold. If it rained more today would've been perfect. Not much else to say but I got something to show you.
Yes, you. Because you are special. *pinches your cheeks*
This is what the floor of my room looked like two weeks ago. Then I got down to business and cleaned up the place in 8 hours.
That's the pile outside my door filling the corridor and bathroom with stuff that needed to go in a big way. When I got the pictures back today I was annoyed that I didn't have any pictures of my room sans all the shit from three years. Good bye, seltzer bottles!
Today wasn't much of a day. It was cold, I slept late until about one even though I went to bed at a reasonable hour (11 p.m.) and did nothing for most of the day until I went to therapy and then to visit Kinja. Can't complain, really.
I'd write something now but I'm all worked up and I need to let this go.
If one can honestly judge a person by the friends they keep, I doubt my friend has made a good choice when it comes to his girlfriend. I used to think that his girlfriend was fairly benign but knowing this one person she's friends with (to the point that this friend is going to move in and mooch for a few months, hopefully no longer) just taints her.
Other than that, tonight's game was a good one even though we started an hour late. It was mostly combat but towards the end we had a little set-up for next Tuesday's game. Plus Tim gave me a card (a ratling) that he got from the Fire and Shadow pre-release he attended.
I'm going outside to punch the ground several times now.
Not much of a day, just a waste of twenty four hours.
I promise to do better tomorrow.
Still nothing of interest going on. I made myself meatloaf today so I'm assured of having something good to eat for the next day or so, I got a good start on collating my L5R cards but there's no way I have the energy to finish that up tonight. At least I found out that I had cards that I thought I lacked in the first place. Woo woo, three One Life, One Destiny! Just need one more Dharma Technique and 2 I Believed in Yous.
I got my cards in the mail today and once I'm done collating everything I'm going to get my corrupt Naga deck together. I am happy that Tomb of Iuchiban doesn't cause an honor loss. To do a successful corrupt Naga deck one would have to avoid honor losses since once you have a Shadowlands card in play you can't ignore honor requirements on Naga personalities.
I've been having some bad nightmares lately and I haven't told anyone. Nothing I can remember but when I wake up in the morning (okay, afternoon) my heart's racing and I look around my room in a panic. One other time I woke up and cried a little.
After my mother decided to open up a whole can of worms on me today (she couldn't find a lid for a pot, she got angry and from there decided she was going to get her cunt off insulting me) and I heard how she envisions me (I don't talk to her or anyone else, therefore I am angry. I actually want to stay in the house to spite her. I have no marketable skills. I am angry at her. All of these are false, I talk with my father and sister but only rarely. I want to get the fuck out of the house but I can't at this minute. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I know what I'm doing. I'm not angry at her, I'm indifferent because if I am angry at her it's just adding to the rest of the anger that's inside me. Trying to get love from my mother is like going to the hardware store to get milk.) I invited her to talk with my therapist to hear how I am.
I'm not going in with her and if she's not going to go in because I'm not, she can go fuck herself. I have poor communication skills and talking with my mother is a chore. She's manipulative and turns things around on me. From there I just feel rage build in chest and I envision how beautiful it would be to turn her into a red mist. I just push it down into a teensy black ball then ignore it because I'm not going to ruin my life because of her.
I just noticed something. I'm gun shy on reading email. If the email's not from Kinja, the Morbid Fact Du Jour or the two L5R listservs I subscribe to I'll just click on the email and leave it open in another window and eventually get around to reading it when I bolster myself inside. Sad.
The day started out strange, when getting dressed I picked out a green shirt and I wasn't even thinking about what today was until I went onto LambdaMOO and saw people with names like O'Benny and such. Ugh, I wanted to slap myself because I felt like I subconsciously programmed myself to wear this shirt which ended up being the best-fitting clean shirt that I had available. Then Kinja called my bluff saying that I was eating Lucky Charms and looking for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Curse her and her wily witchy ways.
I highly recommend Tasty Kake mini chocolate doughnuts. They're especially good, moreso when you get a box and the chocolate is the right consistency. It breaks like glass in your mouth and has the right chocolate flavor that sits on the back of your tongue. The doughnut itself has to hit the right balance of staleness to freshness. If the doughnuts are too fresh it feels like you're eating hollow hardened chocolate and if the doughtnuts are too stale then you might as well be eating paperweights. The box I got tonight was just the right balance, the doughnut giving the right amount of give when I bit into it (always bite so your teeth get the center into your mouth, it's the best part especially if the chocolate sealed up the doughnut hole) and everything else about it was just so wonderful.
I got a chance to attend RPS tonight and played L5R, I beat Tim twice with my Naga deck (he was playing Lion) and my shugenja-only Dragon dueller did well against him but it just didn't click. Still need to get that groove when I'm playing Dragon that I get into so easily when playing Naga but that feeling is still elusive. Not a lot of people showed up and I was eliminated from a multiplayer game after Eric (playing Phoenix) was whomped by all three of us which was surprising since he wasn't playing Kaede Sensei Eternal Whores Finding the Harmony Phoenix. Still a Phoenix honor runner is something ugly to behold.
I guess I feel alright but I know it's just a surface over the anger inside of me. Just nice to feel that surface being a mite thicker than it has been in a while because last night I was overcome with such rage that I needed to push it all down into a black ball... fuck I wrote this in the previous entry. Pardon me.
G'nite.
I hope Kinja likes what I did to my room. I strung purple Christmas lights all along the ceiling and around my door. I just went in there and at night time it's really fucking lovely. During the day the whole mood/image of the lights is just okay.
When I was outside earlier this evening the sky was amazingly beautiful. There were high, thin clouds that were lit up by moonlight stretching overhead. It was like the clouds were sand and something much bigger just dragged its fingers through leaving troughs in those thin clouds. The stars seemed especially bright tonight and it's definitely due to the cold weather, something about the air when the thermometer hovers around 30° makes them burn far brighter in my eye.
I'm in a strange mood and there's really no way to describe how I feel and I'm not going to bother at all. All day I've been quiet, pushing my emotions deep inside of me and sealing them away from the rest of the world. When I was in Kinja's car earlier and listening to a song I could feel a few tears well up in my eyes but they just dried quickly and the feelings that were behind them (I don't think there were any feelings, just a reaction or something) was just an invisible mass that slowly sublimated into a nothing in my chest.
Oh yeah, she liked what I did to my room then promptly fell asleep while watching last night's Farscape episode on tape. Hehe.
Bah, my sister won't lend me her car to drive one mile to the store and back. I can't wait for her to be down and out so I can kick her when she's down. Cunt. Plus I can't even say "Well you haven't followed through and gotten me that program yet" (she promised to procure it for me after I did her a serious favor) because I really don't care if she gets it.
Ugh, I slept most of the day and I figure I would've slept through until tommorrow if I didn't leave the TV on. TV Land is playing The Honeymooners over and over and I just couldn't take it anymore because it was bugging my dreams.
I'm not feeling well.
I really don't know what to say right now. I'm happy I got to see Kinja tonight.
Bye.
While driving home and listening to my Sinatra tape I became aware that I wasn't singing along like I usually do and I realized something about myself. I like to do stuff intensely and just do it over and over again until I don't react anymore. A rotting tooth will hurt for a while but eventually the nerve dies from overstimulation. Somehow I do that to myself for some reason until I lose all passion for something. Heck, I turned off the tape during "My Way" and finished the drive in total silence.
Once again I carried a raccoon to the side of the road and laid him to rest. He was long cold and stiffening, I said a few words and went home. I couldn't leave him lying in the road to be beaten down again and again by cars until there's nothing left. It's not right. Bad enough that his soul will be at the curb all confused for a while not understanding what happened, hopefully I was able to help him in some fashion so he would be peaceful.
How can people not pay attention to the road and not see animals?
Anyway, I'm on edge because my mother changed the look of Windows and I changed it back. If that way was good enough for years on end, why fucking change it? I know it's her being petty and wanting to start a fight. I'm not going to change it back, she can change it the fuck back and there's nothing she can do short of killing me to make me bend or flinch from her. Rereading that sentence the words seem hollow but I'm just going to wait and see how things go and if she decides to make it an issue.
Yay! Food shopping!
Yay! Baked potatoes!
Yay! Prego mini-meatball sauce!
What the hell are you lookin' at anyway? Now get out of here or I'll have my legs broken. I'm not senile! Oh, I'm already wearing my glasses. Fucking cat, that'll teach you not to flush. Where are my glasses? What smells like mustard? You sure got some ugly people in your neighborhood.
Hey, what's up? Eh, nothing much here how about you? Heh, oh yeah. I already asked you that. But really, s'up? Nah dawg, just chillin'. Listen, I have to go. I guess I'll talk to you la.. what? Heh sure. Uh-huh. Yep. Uh-huh. You don't say. You don't say.
*click*
Who was it? Didn't say.
The people in my town's library are much, much smarter than the people who frequent the library one town over from where I live. I prowled the computers looking for browsers that were left open and none of them were. Over at the other library there's always something to click back on, usually someone's hotmail account after they signed out completely. The only thing that I would do was send an email to their friend saying "Tell your friend to be more careful with their hotmail account" along with how to avoid unscrupulous people who want to read email and stuff.
It's relatively simple and it's only a small deterrent because there are other ways to break into hotmail. Once you log out of hotmail and get barfed onto msn.com, hit the back button until you're at the page before you get the hotmail login screen. Now hit "home".
Oh and if you want to read someone's hotmail email just click and hold the back button and go to the hotmail inbox screen. If you just back up one screen at a time it won't work. Pretty stupid, eh?
Damn. The picture doesn't sit well on a black background.
Today's just one of those days. You know, those days. Wake up, survive, watch TV, sleep, then do it all over again.
Nothing going on, at least tonight's a Sunday which means Futurama, King of the Hill and Simpsons. Woo hoo!
No real thoughts on anything.
Today was more eventful than the last couple of days. I was up late and found myself writing out things that were on my mind (Kinja's surgery, my relationship with my father, my insecurities and coming to conclusion with I'm probably just comfortable with what I have to the point that I refuse to see there is a whole lot more out there) by the light of the purple Christmas lights I had strung around my door. Eventually it got uncomfortable and I went to turn on the overhead light which sparked and the power went out for my breaker. Unfortunately the breaker also serves my parents' bedroom but I'll get to that in a sec. I finished writing up this piece by candlelight and went to sleep.
I dreamt for the first time in a long while and I was surprised and happy. The dream started out with me sitting in a mosque and looking around wondering if Kinja knew about this particular place and I went to go get her. We came back and she started down the long corridor (the building was just a single wide corridor with a foyer and further down the corridor was the prayer area), washing up before praying and heading down. I just washed my hands and followed her. At the end of the corridor was a sunset-shaped alcove in the wall which contained a globe carved out of stone. Muslims aren't much on graven images and all that lot, I wonder why those middle easterns dislike that concept. Maybe they're all bad artists and don't want to be shown up. Goes for the Jews and Christians too. Especially them Calvinists.
Anyway.
My vision was changed and I saw a starry night and a voice told me that my name meant "three stars" and then my consciousness shifted back to the dream. Kinja was getting up and said she was ready to go. We headed outside to a white trans am and she said that we had to wait for two other guys to show up because they needed a ride. Someone with crocodile teeth growing out of his head and a midget showed up and we talked in the car for a bit until they decided to go since they bummed a ride off of someone else. We drove off. The car became a train and I fell out. I ran alongside the train until we hit a bridge and I stopped because I always had trouble running across railroad bridges and I wanted to see if I had to hop from tie to tie or if I could run across unfettered. Luckily the ties were filled in with dirt and I crossed, up ahead Kinja stopped her train and pulled off the tracks to the side where the train became a big dump truck. The woods around the tracks were exceptionally thick, giving the impression of being in deep forest and far from civilization. Kinda how I envision eastern Russia. While crossing I looked down and saw the water below was bright blue and I knew it was tainted with strontium ninety. I caught up and hopped into her dumptruck, she pulled a piece of bright blue ice out of her pocket and showed me, I snapped at her with "You always want to give yourself cancer some way or another. First you smoke. Then you go off on your genetic disposition for cancer and now you're picking up pieces of highly toxic ice." Then we drove away and the dream ended.
Six a.m. I was up because the beeper went off, just the alarm nobody beeped me. I didn't hear any stirring upstairs and I waited to see if they would get up out of habit. Nothing.
Crap.
Minutes later I was sneaking around the house, unplugging the microwave and replugging it so the clock would blink then went into the garage to switch the breaker back on. I snuck back into my room and waited a few minutes longer. Nothing.
I didn't want to catch any shit for making the breaker go off, turning off their alarms and making them late. It would have been bad so I just cracked the gate to the dogs' room and waved Katie to go do her stuff. She's a smart dog and loves going upstairs, opening their door and waking them up with her happy jumping dance. During that chaos I was safely in my room with noone the wiser. Ah.
Oh, Kinja's surgery wasn't life threatening but she was in a lot of pain. I'm glad she got it done but I wish that she would've stayed the night in the hospital at least. After seeing her tonight I'm not as worried as I was this weekend.
All is well.
Good night.
I took down the greater part of the stuff on my walls, most of it went out with the trash. The rest is now stuffed on one of my shelves. Everything feels different in my room now that the walls are cleared. I kept a few things up which I could not take down. Photos of Pokey and Pinky (two cats I babysat for two years), Sunny (my dog from my youth), Ben and Kate, Pudding (my cat who passed away two years ago [my goodness, where has the time gone? time slips by so quickly. i reckon i'll be dead within a year though it'll be an eternity to everyone but me. that is if i die old]), a postcard of a white gorilla at his birthday party and two cards. One from Kinja that bears an image of a turtle atop a styrofoam cup and another I purchased a while ago because it touched me. An elephant reaching his trunk across a fence to touch a hippo's nose. It half reminded me of how I rarely see my friend Brian anymore because he lives in Delaware. Much more than that, the picture just touched me.
I'm glad to be away from Lambda. Too bad I can't get away from everything else in my life as easily as using the Russian roulette gun (well i could do that, but i reckon after a while i'd want to come back and irl that would be kinda tough). Been feeling the urge to get up and start walking towards the west until I hit water again. Somehow, inbetween, I'd be able to fill myself with myself again. The good stuff, none of this depression stuff that's dead weight.
Heh, that's the sad thing about unemployment. You can't take a vacation.
Something I noticed and I wonder if it's part of my depression or if it really is something true. I'm not noticed when I speak or interact with people. I get the feeling that I just prattle on and on and nobody listens. If I jump into a conversation and have something to say about the topic, I'll wait my turn, speak, then promptly get ignored. Even among "friends" IRL and IVR. I figure I should fade into the background but once I do that I'm certain I won't be missed and I won't have a way to return. Only when I have a captive audience do I feel that I'm being listened to, though among some people I've been getting the feeling (founded or unfounded) that I'm being ignored.
I guess starting new is a Good Thing (tm) even though it's a lonely thing.
Another day. No dollars.
Maybe I'll find something to occupy my time other than being a prick on Yahoo Chat or guesting on Lambda.
Never understood the whole allure of IRC or any other non-MUD chat service. Sure you can talk to a different person every night but there's really no reason to start a relationship with them unless that's what you're out to get for yourself. People just breeze in and breeze out, becoming part of the background and never really staying in one place for long. At least on Lambda there are faces you recognize and there aren't rooms that are filled with 100 people at one time. Hell in chat rooms there really isn't any chat, just people messaging each other. The only real conversation tends to be "A/S/L chek???" or "ne 1 in pbgh?". If they're going to type like BlueGoblin they might as well be entertaining like BlueGoblin (hey dawg 2 sweet!~!!1) and the chatters are always teenyboppers which can be amusing (getting their gander up by calling britney spears a whore and trading faked nude pictures or saying the guys in n'sync are gay) for about five minutes but after those five minutes are up there's nothing but a hollow shell.
Alright, I filled up some space. G'nite.
There's more to life than increasing its speed.
That was one of the quotes that I used to read on the plaque I had in my bathroom before renovations. Been thinking about that a lot in the past few hours because recently I've been thinking that it's a day later than it already is. I would've set my clocks forward tonight instead of tomorrow like the idiot I am if it wasn't for Brack pointing that out on the stonecutters channel. Duh.
I guess it's the boredom that's making me force a week to finish up, eagerly awaiting the Tuesday game to get some IRL socialization under my belt. Hopefully the game will start on time, none of this bullshit of the game beginning at 8:30 or 8:45 after I drove nearly a fucking hour to get there. I want all the gaming I can possibly cram into that short space of time. I don't care if the game starts in combat, someone knocks me into option-land (my stun is now below -20 and i regain consciousness at the gm's option) and the combat continues until fucking midnight. At least I'm at the game.
I need to find out why I'm speeding time up in my head, I reckon it's important somehow to my mental well being.
Enough. G'nite.
