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June 2001 Never ask questions because the answer is always "no". Today's entry is particularly diary_spivak and I placed it on a page all by its lonesome. Why? If I hear from anyone about it, I'll just say I'm venting and be reserved about my feelings and come acrossed as two faced. Whining in one breath but acting like I have come to terms with these kinds of feelings. Fucking diary_spivak. Last night I figured out why the little counter script I downloaded from Matt's Script Archive didn't work. I never made the file into a file called .shtml because it uses server side includes (SSI). This index page is a .php file and I can't do SSI's here unless it's a .shtml but if I make it an .shtml then I won't be able to use the wee little php update script in the upper right hand corner. I did do some more of my php tutorials and wrote up my own counter. I just hope it works well enough. One thing I was thinking about adding to my web site when I do the changes in September is putting a link under each of my entries so folks can comment on them if they're inclined to comment on them. I think that would involve making a MySQL database to archive each comment and making the appropriate php script to display the posts. I was thinking about putting each and every entry on a page of its own but that would be overkill which would require me to take some amphetamines and stay up for two days straight to make sure it looks the way I want it to look and figuring out how to make it easily navigable. Also I'm trying to think of a way to make the page look a little prettier than it does right now. Been playing around with nested tables to see what would look best and keep the page looking the same. Here's a really rough example of what I have in mind.
Or try something like this except the columns are up and down rather than being left to right.
As for yesterday's entry, I kept it as generic as possible because it really was about my feelings in general rather than being something specific towards someone or people from my past. When I was talking with Jaybird while I was writing this entry he brought up a concern that he was worried about me thinking that Colorado would be The Well at the End of the World (I think that's the term he used and I reckon he means "the be all and end all") because it's just Colorado. Hearing something like that in a context that has nothing to do with anything close or sensitive to my heart or brain made me wonder if I always came across in a certain way. That certain way being wide eyed excitement and anticipation of something new and original. There was another incident like this many months ago (which I won't mention here because I don't want to beat a dead horse or make it seem like I brood on that incident with every breath I draw) ahem there was another incident like this many months ago where I was told "don't get your hopes up". After hearing from Jaybird I wondered if I should be less enthusiastic about things or just not express things to other people. The down side of not expressing things to other people is they get the wrong idea again. Here's an example. The friend from gaming who I got back in touch with recently, Szilvia, always thought I didn't like her because I was always so quiet and didn't talk with her or make eye contact. That was just me being shy and socially awkward. I wrote the following minutes before going to sleep this morning and I almost didn't write it down but the thought of it compelled me to write it down. I know I would've forgotten it by the time I woke up. I can't comprehend why someone would not like or love me so I decide to give them a reason to not like me. For example, writing the diary entry for the first of June. Getting some sort of understanding, even if untrue to what is reality, for my own peace of mind (if such a term can be ascribed to my mind) of why someone wouldn't like me or love me whether on their own terms or in the way I'd think would be really groovy if they liked or loved me in that way. So I went online and Malyss was at Lambda. I showed her the entry and she gave these comments. A crumpled note is haphazardly thrown at you. A crumpled note is haphazardly thrown at you. A crumpled note is haphazardly thrown at you. Another thing that I think would be cool to add to my web site to make it easier to navigate would be a highlight feature. It'd work like this: in the monthly archives of my site click on a date for an entry and the link goes to the anchor and that entry is highlighted with some color like #003000 so it's unobtrusive and doesn't contrast poorly with the color scheme rendering it unreadable. Same for clicking on a dream. I definitely need to think of a better layout for navigating my web page. It could be much cleaner but it isn't and things are spattered around like so much poop that hit a fan. I spent some time looking at my web site idea in IE (5.5) and Netscape (4.75) and god damn Internet Explorer looked at my HTML and understood it and then merrily presented it in the fashion that I wanted it presented. Something that Netscape couldn't do if it had half a fucking brain. Earlier today I was working on a small picture site that has pictures from Malyss going to the groundbreaking for the reconstruction of the Palace of Depression (not the mental depression but the 1930's depression). I was simply doing nested tables with the main table being #00FF00 and the inside table being #003000 giving a green border for the inside black cells. I did this little layout using HTML and using CSS and both times Netscape went DUH and couldn't manage to display my HTML which was validated at w3.org. Okay. Let's say you're on a beach and a bottle washes ashore which you quickly uncork. Much to your surprise a djinn comes out and grants you three wishes. He says he's incapable of granting wishes that give immortality, raise specific people from the dead or grants the master a vast amount of money because The Interplanar Bank of Arabia has gone bankrupt with everyone wishing for that. What would you wish for? I'd wish for a friendly and tame pet triceratops who I would ride and feed and play with. The food bill would probably murderize me, after all how much food is necessary to keep a twenty seven foot long, nine ton triceratops alive? My second wish would be for a suit of powered armor that would be like Dexter Norton's powered armor or like the Brotherhood of Steel armor in Fallout. I like the Enclave's design better but the BoS armor looks sturdy and reliable. Sadly the third wish would have to be for everything I'd need to maintain the powered armor including the skills to repair it along with the necessary tools. I'd probably use the armor to do superhero stuff and make money that way or I'd have it so I could wrangle my new pet safely.  hhsb logged in as a guest today and spoke with me. Here's a log of that conversation. Mauve_Guest says, "i have feedback" That's a lot for me to chew on and I've been pondering it in the back of my mind since she spoke with me. Her words carry weight with me because she comes across as fairly no nonsense with a low bullshit tolerance like Tim (i read these qualities as being objective) and the fact that she told me this altruistically gave it greater meaning. What do I think is love? Communicating with someone on a regular basis with a decent balance of give and take rather than one person seemingly doing most of the work in the relationship. Companionship, whether online or offline, where people actually want to keep someone's company rather than being there because they believe it's some sort of obligation. I just don't want to be alone or feel alone. Most times I feel this way and when I see other people going out and having fun without me I get worked into a knot and project "They didn't have me along or think of me because they hate me" in an attempt to make myself someone important enough to do that to. I'm getting off track. I want someone who I can talk with on a basis that isn't being around the guys, someone who I can play with whether it's chess or naughty or gaming and they eagerly involve themselves with playing with me. I always feel most comfortable when I am gaming. Yes I'd like someone with whom I can tag along with because I really don't know where to go when I decide to go out on the town. Someone patient with a good sense of humor too. Lemme see, I'd also want a woman who I find attractive. I don't want a mother figure, for better or worse, nor do I want a woman who'll be a worker bee or slave. No fucked up chick head games either. There's more and I still can't define it or find something in real life that I can relate the "something more" to in order to convey the idea in writing. I figure this will have to do until I can think of how to put it into words. In the meantime I'll just post specifics. A bottle redhead with green eyes (depending on mood) with high cheekbones and a smile like a pinball machine. Now I'm all tired. Finally there's one last thing I want to share which I posted on LambdaMOO. Message 113587 on *4 (#213): It's 1:38 a.m. and I have the strangest feeling that someone's speaking ill about me. Someone who I like a lot and wouldn't expect to speak ill of me. The feeling is like the feeling I get when a cop pulls me over for speeding. Sulphur kinda bloody nose smell associated with this nondescript eerie feeling. I really don't care if some stupid MOOer in a stupid clique or someone I don't know talks behind my back but when it's someone who I really like and hold in high regard (for example the folks in dramatis personae) then it bothers me. I still don't know why the feeling started or lingered with me for about a half hour. Maybe it was just a chemical thing and I'm no better than some bushman who prays to a Coke bottle thinking it's due to someone speaking poorly of me. See you tomorrow.
The old lady next door passed away recently. I had an inkling that something was up because for a buncha nights the light in her kitchen was still on and there wasn't any movement going on. I have no idea when she passed away but my father might know. My mother babbled at me about it but I just filtered her out because I was busy posting to *stonecutters. Still, just strange that came up when for the last few nights I was wondering if she was lying upstairs in her bedroom and for how long she would be lying there before she was discovered. How morbid. Anyway tonight the moon's particularly bright and it's lovely. I can make out all the stars I can see since most of the stars of spring and summer are particularly dim. There's this one star in the Big Dipper that has a tiny, dimmer companion (i don't know if it's a binary system and i learned about this from star hustler or whatever it's called nowadays because people thought the star hustler site was a porno site) and if you can see the dimmer companion with the unaided eye then you have exceptional eyesight. I could see the companion. Whee. Dunno what I'm going to do with tomorrow, I know I gotta start doing car things to put the car in my name and I have to get everything else packed into boxes. The only thing left is to make sure I have someplace to live and get some of the stuff people need to live like dishes, flatware, pots, pans, toilet plunger, all that kinda stuff. This is enough and that's all I have in me right now. See you.  That's something I found while packing and doing general cleanup of my bedroom. Sure the humor is awfully dated but it's still funny. Dunno where they got that fruity picture of Clinton though, it's priceless. Today I played miniature golf with Szilvia, we sat around talking about gaming, stuff that's happened in the past year or so in our lives, ate at some Wendy's then it was time to go home around nine thirty because she has to be up around six in the morning. I had a lovely time but I mistook her positioning for a hug at the end for a kiss but at least I kept my mouth closed. At least I didn't get slapped but I still felt stupid. I called Devo but got her voice mail which didn't even have a message just some loud music followed by a beep. Now I'm going to play Fallout Tactics and collapse but not before trying to debug this web site issue. I went to bed a little before midnight and I woke up a little before noon in the morning. I think my sleep deprivation to get me on a normal schedule might be working. I hope that gaming tonight doesn't mess with this right now. Today was spent throwing stuff I don't need away and setting aside a minimal amount of stuff which will go into my father's storage. I'm a pack rat. One thing makes me feel strange and it's after hanging out with Szilvia the night before. She told me how she's going to get her motorcycle license and a bike and I said, "Well, be safe" and she laughed that I was the third person to say that to her after hearing that. I said how I only recently got back in touch with her and I'd feel bad to hear that like a week after we hung out she wasn't alive anymore and how I'd go to her funeral to which she replied "Oh yeah there'll be at least a hundred people there." then made like she wanted the subject dropped since she doesn't like morbid things. What was strange is the fact that when she said "a hundred" I was like "Well gee, I'm just a cell in a formless mass." But that's just me. Overall I feel like I'm dime a dozen and when things happen or are said which tangent upon that closely held feeling it just boils up a bit before shutting the hell up. To make myself overcome that I overcompensate doing my voices, my schtick, telling stories, doing /The_Cat/ stuff or just droning on about computers in hopes I'll somehow shine as brightly as the other people around me or a little more. Still, that's just me and it has nothing to do with how people really see me. It gets tiresome sometimes because there are just diminishing returns. From that I become resentful and angry. I'm upset that I won't be able to run the little campaign that I wanted to run before I left New Jersey but because of time constraints. This made me feel like I was even less a part of the group than I already was (or think that I am) because I wanted to do something, maybe give something back to the group, but that ain't gonna happen. So the feeling I had of being less than welcome was magnified and I thought "Well gee, I guess these folks aren't my friends and it's just be civil to each other for three or four hours and be done with it." Earlier I was harboring these kinds of feelings because it seemed so much was going on outside of gaming night between the gamers, stuff that I would've liked to have participated in, which I wasn't asked along to participate in. There's a part of me that's very stubborn which tells me that if I'm not invited along or thought of as a companion for some activity then I really shouldn't ask if I can come along too because it's plainly obvious I'm not welcome in the first place. Nobody likes a gatecrasher. My feelings of the gaming night just being something where people just put on their stranger happyfaces and once gaming's over everyone scatters to the four winds without a second thought. (Just spent fifteen minutes going through my emails looking for a reference to the entry I wrote about this, no dice so far. Ah, found it. It was under my heptapod.org email archives) I just don't want anyone to do things for me out of any feelings of pity or obligation. The rational part of me says that kind of thinking is a twisted, degenerated way of trying to make myself think that I am that important that people will do stuff for me. Meanwhile the other half is just the fact that my "self-eseetm and self-image are so pathetically low" and judging me harshly holding me to some standard which seems overwhelming. The quote is from Qufoye on *anon and I think it's a guest handle too. And Qufoye, I don't think that writing diary_spivak drivel somehow "makes it better" when I'm coarse, vulgar or insensitive on LambdaMOO. Just wish that I could figure out if I am getting this moody because of the impending (and immediate) move or these are just feelings that've been pushed down for a while and I've had enough keeping them to myself. I do hope that I get good news in email because I have a bad feeling. Maybe it's just me wanting that relief which comes from expecting bad but it turns out being good or not. Emotional masochism. Final things going through my head. I'm more trouble than I'm worth. High maintenance. Always seething about something. Always too sensitive. Feh. Finally I want to just point you people to a dream I had last year which was particularly involved and one of my better dreams that I've dreamt in my lifetime and the best dream I've archived on my diary. The Road to Colorado is Paved with Good Intentions I stopped journalling because my life hasn't been that interesting lately and the only things I would've posted here would've been the same old shit from last week. You know, feelings of inadequacy, feeling left out, stuff like that. Ramblings about how I have to do things but I just don't get around to doing them. I admit the only thing I'm holding back on is looking for a truck with a car trailer, packing the rest of my room and putting the car in my name with the right insurance. I can blame the fact that I haven't taken care of the car's papers because I don't want to deal with the DMV but it's more inertia on my part. Right now I have nothing but time and what is two hours out of my day to register my car?
More good intentions are trying to get on a "normal" schedule except there's the fact that I am still at home which means I'm still around my mother and I engage in the same cycle of avoidance which ends up with me staying up late to check my email, wait (yes, wait) for people to log in and catch up on my web reading. The good news I've received lately has been from maribou who says that the basement apartment is still available and I might be able to get it for reduced rent (405 or 415 instead of 425/mo) and there's another place two blocks away that is in my price range. The road to Colorado is two thousand and twelve miles and it'll take me through NJ, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma, Kansas and finally Colorado. I'll be going from (relative) sea level to six thousand and eight feet above sea level. The drive from Union, New Jersey to St. Louis, Missouri is nine hundred thirty two miles and will take about sixteen hours. From St. Louis, Missouri to Tulsa, Oklahoma will be relatively shorter since it'll only cover three hundrd and ninety three miles which is about seven hours. After Tulsa I'll be heading north through Kansas and west into Colorado to Colorado Springs twelve hours later. What else is going on with me? I have a strained muscle in my neck from sleeping the wrong way but I think it's also from stress because my back went out in December while having a "conversation" with my mother. Small thing about Monday evening. When I went out to get dinner I made eye contact with my mother and never in my life have I ever seen such a fire of hate in anyone's eyes. That moment combined with the fact that I had to help my father with putting together another car appraisal just strengthened my resolve to leave this place. Lastly, at Pinky's request, here are pictures of him pretending to be the Loch Ness monster in his swinging bachelor pad. 
I have an apartment in Colorado Springs, Colorado. It is a basement apartment with a decent sized kitchen and bedroom with a toilet that isn't a low-flow which means that I won't have to worry about toilets clogging at the worst possible times. Only drawback is the fact that the shower can barely accomodate someone who is 5'8" and I'm 6'2" so I'll have to get a detachable showerhead and a stool so I can shower relatively comfortably. That's pretty much it. On Monday I'm going into NYC to talk with the boss and discuss at length, if necessary, about my move and if there are any issues. I already heard second hand that he has no problem with it and he was thinking about taking me on full time but that's still second hand and nothing's written in stone except for the fact that I mailed out the deposit today. I've been dreaming but I haven't remembered any dreams except for one scene where I discovered much to my delight that all women shaved their most intimate of regions but that's not enough to constitute this text being #FF00FF or being linked in the dream entry menu. Hope all is well. I guess things are alright here. Wish I would hear back from someone but I know they're busy and there's more important things to do. |
No, it's not a line. The check really is in the mail and by next Monday they'll have the deposit and things will be happy with me having a place to live once I'm six thousand and eight feet above sea level. I am waiting to hear back from Tim to see if he would be able to help me move stuff out to Colorado with him driving the truck and me in my car with my frog Pinky. If he isn't up for it then I'll bring it up to Brian and if he really can't do it I will just have to do it alone with my car being towed behind the truck and I'll have to be vewy, vewy careful. I should be in Colorado by July 16th at the latest. From the scenarios I'm running through my head I have me arriving in Colorado earlier than that. Right now I'm bored and have no idea what to do with myself. My shoulder doesn't hurt as much as it did earlier in the week but I'm still nursing it and that pain is compounded by being eaten alive by fucking mosquitos last night while showing Brian my route out to Colorado. Yes, this diary's a brain dump right now rather than being my exploration of my psyche and feelings because after last week and this week's disappointments I rather not look at that mess or trot that laundry out once again because I'm tired of it and hearing of it and therefore you, gentle reader, must be tired of it. Judge me harshly because I shall judge you by the same standard. I'll just play Creatures in the dark and that will be that for the night. Maybe tomorrow will be good. Nota bene: My happiness doesn't hinge on other people's actions or inactions but it does affect me. I do have a life of my own just that I get stuck on folks for better or worse. More of the same. Can't think of anything to write really. My life's really boring and what I do is really boring, no wonder why someone would only consider seeing or visiting me if I just happened to be on the way. Not like anyone would want to see me for myself. There. Brief rambling from a non sequitur. Is that an entry enough? Better be. Just wish my dick was bigger. The fact that I can suck cunt like nobody's business isn't enough. Finally I've been worried about getting into a car accident in New Jersey because I'm certain it'd be fatal. Oh the hilarity of it all. I need:
This is what I already have:
If you can think of anything that I didn't think of lemme know via email. This is my first move by myself and I don't want to leave anything out because I take some stuff for granted. Here's something about me that I haven't written about or told anyone about really except for Malyss. When I'm troubled or need to get my mind off stuff I tend to play games to the point that it's no longer a game but a way of thinking. Back during the dispute between myself and Ian Thal when he decided that I needed to be punished because someone posted his real life information on *stonecutters I would fire up Pipes or Jezzball and play that until my brain went blank and new thoughts would come into my head. Last night maribou told me about this game called Bejeweled that's a puzzle game and I've been playing it in my free time to get my thoughts together about moving or about life in general. There's a point when I play a game like those where I start to understand the game like a language and it becomes second nature following the different patterns and plays which will ultimately lead to high scores or certain goals. Other times I'd play a game and play it a certain way in order to make things happen in real life. Back in December I would play Freecell on the big computer and see if I could win ten games in a row because if I did something good would happen from that. Silly, ain't it? That's me. Silly. Those little games are my meditations, little mandalas that I focus on for heaven knows how long in hopes of enlightenment or finding peace of mind. The past two days I haven't had too much peace of mind because I've been wishing suicide on someone who is lower than an animal. Sure it's insane, magical thinking but when one feels impotent it's the best one can do for solace.
My father's been acting strange lately in the fact that he's been awfully loose with cash. Every night this week he's given me twenty bucks for dinner, forty bucks on Friday night. He's been more expressive than usual, which is a lot, and I called him on it reassuring him that I'm not leaving the state because I hate him. I'm not doing it because I'm ambivalent, leaning towards dislike, towards my mother. I'm doing it for myself. If I moved within the confines of New Jersey I wouldn't feel completely removed from my father's influence which means that I wouldn't be completely divested of my mother since the two are inseperable. Parasite and host. The price is the fact that I'm not going to be able to see Brian or Tim on a regular basis or at all for however long I won't be in New Jersey. On the lighter side I'll be away, having realized half of my trip around the USA and on my own on my own terms. This doesn't mean that I'm going to fade away from my friends' lives, there's always MSN messenger with them and email. I know I'll be in contact with them, I just hope that they'll be in contact with me. Sure there are things to keep in mind like the fact that people have lives and don't rely upon the internet as their primary means of interpersonal communication because they have real, physical interaction with other human beings, which by my estimation from everything I've seen by how people act, is far more satisfying and important than going online to talk or simply to respond to an email. Tim tends to be online but he's mostly unresponsive because he's cruising the porn sites or otherwise occupied with Diablo II. Brian's incapable of getting online on a regular basis because his girlfriend is always (yeah, things probably have changed but i'll see when i'm down there) on the good computer and the other, crappier computer isn't reliable for going online for unknown reasons. At least I have the capacity to trust Brian's word on this. So why don't I reach out and communicate with them in ways that would prove fruitful? I dunno. Lazy. My mindset of how the internet is my playground and I want my friends to play with me there because I have the illusion of control while I'm online so I feel more confident and feel like myself when I'm not at home. See when I am not home I feel like a different person but once I come back inside the tension builds and my brain regresses. About a decade ago I wrote over my bedroom door "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Exit Here". Why? When dealing with my mother there is no hope and to have the illusion of hope is simply cruel. As for the rest of the world, fuck it. There's a lot more that I could write right now but it's nearly 7:30 on Sunday morning and I've been up all night being online, playing Bejeweled, musing about my personal stuff and making this entry for Monday. My head's foggy and whatever I would add to this entry would be ten times more self absorbed and embarassing for me than whatever I'd commit to HTML with a clear head and nine hours of sleep and one masturbation session under my belt. In a nutshell it would be shit about how I don't want to be "one of a crowd" because I'm better than that and deserve to feel like someone special to folks, how I don't understand people who associate themselves with groups rather than presenting themselves as individuals along with my issues regarding their affiliations be it basher, polyamorist or republican. I think that's it. I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Jesus, I stayed up late last night and it almost sabotaged what I had planned for the daylight hours of today. Everytime I typo "hours" it always comes out "horus", sometimes I wonder if it might be subconscious and/or symbolic and once I get out to Colorado I'll become Osiris. Anyway, I stayed up late last night playing Bejeweled and got my highest score of 14k while talking with Makonan_Guest about my move, her email to me about stuff I should buy and such. I should make it a point that if I am going to take a nap around eight at night that I should turn that nap into sleep from eight at night to seven in the morning. Normal schedule == Good Thing (tm). Around 6:00 a.m. this morning I went to sleep where I dreamt about being on a college campus, my father's business then how I was going to sleep in one of the chairs when I think I said something which made the spirits of my grandfather and one of the former employees laugh and they laughed by making little cut-outs in this one photo jump up and down. When I saw that I was amazed and suddenly believed in ghosts because there was no one else in the shop plus nothing behind the mirrors upon which that picture was hung. Not taped up, hung. It was time to close up so I trudged out, while I had laid down for a nap there was quite a snowfall. My father's car was unavailable but he got a ride from his friend's daughter who said she wasn't using her regular car because she had to pick up this one car from a local garage which ended up having the entire right side buried in a snowbank. Lately I've been having lots of deja vu about this one dream regarding a castle, outside it was winter but every time I looked out the window I saw that the winter was an illusion because all I saw was spring or summertime. There's not much that I can quote about that dream nor can I remember what's struck chords in my life in order to cause deja vu in me. The deja vu though has made me wonder if that dream was a premonition of moving out to Colorado. Vanity compels me to apologize for the choppy and short dream entry. When I got up, I woke up twice after three hour intervals of sleep, I really hadda poo and I trundled out to the bathroom where I heard Ben barking outside and Katie whining inside by the patio door. My first thought was "Aw jeez, my sister left the dogs outside in the heat" followed by anger when I heard the shower being run upstairs. I went to go check on the dogs and it just ended up that she was bathing them and the shower noise I heard was simply the water flowing through the hose so all was well. Lately stuff has popped up in life that I've refrained from blowing up about and usually it's been for the better since I was going off on a tangent and drawing my own conclusions and that's certainly a Good Thing (tm) in light of a recent event that I still feel awfully bad about. Lately I've been horny but I haven't taken care of it to the extent that I did back in March when I masturbated eleven times in one day. I'd say about half of those were from stress but the other half were just I needed a good hard cum right then and since there wasn't anyone around to accomodate me I decided to take matters into my own hands. Taking care of it like that just isn't as satisfying and it would be nice to, hm, vent it on someone. Hurm. Have I mentioned that Sam Kinison is a saint because he taught me, through his HBO comedy special, about how to eat pussy? His ABC technique, trace the alphabet on the woman's most intimate of regions, was something I took to heart and longed to perform to see if it really was true. When the time came I realized it was entirely true and how certain letters and numbers were better to use rather than just repeating the alphabet. The letters C, J, O, Q (basically a letter o where i thrust my tongue into the woman) and the numbers 2 and 8 are always winners. My technique has been practiced elsewhere too, not just ABC on toes, fingers, wrists, breasts, throat, all those kinda fun places. Of course there's always just putting my entire mouth on the woman's snatch and sucking at the whole clit and hood, kissing, nibbling and rubbing my mouth over that bad little area. All this and more followed by fingerfucking the ass and pussy before I climb aboard or I get shoved onto my back and someone uses me as a hippity hop. Stuff marked with an * is stuff that I'll buy before I head on out to the Centennial State. I need:
I know I can get most of this stuff in Colorado but I still want to be sure of what I can get before I get out there because it'll be easier on me financially. Most stuff is bound to be bought out there for the sake of space in the truck and all that and it's been Seriously Voiced that most of the stuff can be bought out west. I wonder if it'll be filled to the brim or if it'll be half empty. The stuff marked with a * is chosen because I might need it on the road like the repair kit or first aid stuff. I already have a plunger. That's about all I have for this entry. Check back tomorrow for a brand new entry. Take a look at this machine! Isn't it cool??? I came across it a week ago driving around town but it disappeared for a while and I was in luck on Tuesday to see that it had returned!
hhsb got back to me with suggestions of what to aquire. Stuff marked with an * is stuff that I'll buy before I head on out to the Centennial State. I need:
NB: The stuff marked with an * is stuff I already have or will purchase before Colorado. Only thing I really remember from last night's dreaming was the fact that I looked up in the sky and saw that Mars was a wee bit bigger than the moon in the sky. I could see all the dark spots, craters and calderas that spot the face of the red planet. After staring heavenward for a bit I got into my wagon and pushed myself down the sidewalk into the darkness. Woke up to the sound of big work being done outside and turns out that my father had this tree between our house and the house of the lady next door who died last month removed. When I first saw all the branches in the backyard I was upset thinking that this was just stupid since all of the trees around here are healthy and it's just arbicide. After the guys were done and gone I went outside to see what damage had been wrought only to be surprised by a striking new vista to the south. There was open sky along the south and I thrilled at it because it meant I can look at the stars unobstructed no matter what time of the night because it used to be blocked by this tree. So I'm torn. There's this big huge patch of open sky in the most perfect spot but a perfectly healthy tree went to the great big forest in the sky. Oh yeah, in addition to the tree being removed these ugly fucking bushes were finally torn out. The old lady next door was strange and she thought that stuff which was on our property was her property and was a pain in the ass about it because she was elderly and shouted about how her son was a lawyer. Not that we cared about the latter, the elderliness was more of an issue. The bushes up front were almost dead and they only turned green when the vines wrapped around them leafed but with the tree being gone it means that there'll be fewer birdies near the kitchen and no squirrels sitting on the porch rail. Not that I'm in the kitchen much unless I hook this infernal machine up in there. The nice thing is that I woke up relatively early and didn't feel tired even though I went to bed around sixish. |
The longest day of the year is today. Yesterday I talked with my dad that Brian will be able to help me go out to Colorado and he'll drive the truck. My right shoulder hurts me something fierce and it's only reinforcing the idea in my head that all this muscle pain is from stress. Can't think of much else to share. I napped from seven to eleven this evening. The boss called and said he's pleased with my work even though I think I dropped the ball once again. The worst thing, in my head, was that I dropped the ball on these two uploads that were twenty and thirty megs each and the thirty meg upload DIED while I was uploading it so I had to do it all over again on my 56k modem that topped out at 49kbps. Oh yeah, I came across this after seeing a link where Apple got its panties in a bunch because the Church of Satan website had some image of Anton LaVey with "Think Different" on it. 3. Solipsism-Can be very dangerous for Satanists. Projecting your reactions, responses and sensibilities onto someone who is probably far less attuned than you are. It is the mistake of expecting people to give you the same consideration, courtesy and respect that you naturally give them. They won't. Instead, Satanists must strive to apply the dictum of "Do unto others as they do unto you." It's work for most of us and requires constant vigilance lest you slip into a comfortable illusion of everyone being like you. As has been said, certain utopias would be ideal in a nation of philosophers, but unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately, from a Machiavellian standpoint) we are far from that point.  That's me on the phone Tuesday when Devo called me while she was out doing errands. I was surprised. Lots of things need to be done or need some sort of resolution by the time I'm out of here and they're not going to get finished by themselves. There's the car thing (yes i know it should've been done weeks ago but i hate the fucking dmv and waiting and having to wake up early to get out within an hour rather than three hours) and insurance and finding a truck. There's also stuff in my life that has me wondering if I should shit or get off the pot but it's only because of waiting. There are things I'd like to be involved with that I don't know where I stand or how to approach them. Some stuff will have to wait until after the move. Katie had a growth on her nipple and she went to the vet on Tuesday and she's back now none the worse for wear. Ben missed her something fierce and just sulked in his box all day waiting for her to come home. I know how he felt. My father gave me two items tonight which will be going into my magick box, my grandfather's watch and this little pocketknife. He says he spoke with my grandpa and heard that he wanted me to have these things.
Finally I'm going to mention Brack in this diary entry. #90845 that is. I was watching HBO on Wednesday and they had some afterschool special about this gay kid who wasn't happy with being gay so he decided to kill himself. The kid looked just like Niney. Ha ha. The end. P.S. One of the worst things I can think of is not knowing where a person stands with another person. The worst thing is finding out that you always held them in higher regard or you loved them more than they considered you as a human being. It's one of my fears in life and I call ending up like that being a schmuck. Schmucks waste energy on things that they never end up realizing in their lives. I don't want to be a schmuck because I've been a schmuck a few times in the past. Here are the measurements I've taken of my furniture and boxes. There are bound to be a few more boxes but not many more boxes.
maribou was very kind and measured the important bits of my apartment so I knew what I had to deal with when moving into my apartment out in Colorado.
My current bedroom's longest measurements are:
Doorway:
Right now I don't have too much to share. Mixed bag in how I feel at the moment. Here's a dream for your enjoyment. Dreamt that I went to go see AI in a big victorian building in a very hilly neighborhood. The movie was being shown on an enormous tv hanging from the ceiling in this theater and it had bad reception to the point that they had a woman fixing the colors and fine tuning it during the first five minutes before reversing the picture and making the movie unreadable (the movie was closed captioned) and the colors got wonky. Everyone was getting pissed and decided to get up and demand their money back but only got these long thin tickets to come back again since they refused to give cash refunds. I punched this one guy and went for the money bag but decided against stealing because I'd rather steal the whole thing rather than just nine bucks and I wasn't in the mood to steal the whole thing. I left the theater and decided to walk down to my car which was parked in this rustic area that was reminiscent of Raisin Acres but it wasn't Raisin Acres. My car was parked in front of this large three story abandoned house that was abandoned before, except now there was this woman in the right-hand third story window looking down and she didn't have a face. I went back up the road to the center of town and went past the theater feeling terribly embarassed of my actions before but also the fact that I actually went to that theater. So I decided I would go back into the theater and try to see AI again in the Agnes of God auditorium but I couldn't find it and all the other auditoriums were set up differently with the seats facing the longest wall rather than the shortest wall and some places didn't have movies playing at all but had the air of being a college course with a pissy professor glaring at me as if I interrupted. Most of the auditoriums were empty. After walking around feeling lost for an hour I discovered there was more than one floor and from the way I was parked the movie was on the bottom floor so I rode the elevator down, saw the Agnes of God theater was veiled in shadow except for flames flickering behind the glass door and rode back up in the elevator. Back outside I walked down the hill to a dangerous intersection that had a train track going through it. The streets converged in a five point intersection with all the lights being confused. That's about as much as I can remember. Fa la la, I'm in Delaware right now at Brian and Deanna's place writing this entry in their overly cluttered living room adorned with Deanna's legion of fashion and collectible dolls lurking on nearly every flat surface. We have just returned from a late meal over at the Roach House, a diner that's local to them, where we talked and ate and I took a really big poo in the most disgusting bathroom I've ever seen outside of a gas station. One thing that seriously irks me is the fact that I forgot my god damned motherfucking digital camera since I wanted to take pictures of the place, get a pic or two of Deanna that's not the gothy, posed, look down at my enormous cleavage while I'm on all fours pic. It was nice to see that Brian and Deanna were friendly and expressed the kinda stuff that couples do for each other like picking lint or cat hair from each other or the nudging under the table. Very happy. Just wish the best for him so he can have a happily ever after. By the way, Deanna still has an enormous rack and I think she didn't wear a bra when we were at the diner. They're a fantastic set and I'd reckon it'd be like a religious experience to have ten minutes alone with her topless. Anyway. I didn't talk much, they chatted some, I made cat noises and dog whining noises when Deanna was eating her hamburger then when Brian got a piece of her burger. I felt awkward since I haven't seen Deanna in years and considering my mind's colored from the woes which troubled Brian months ago and another situation before that when she was getting tight with this pencilneck who lives at the Jersey shore and was barely seventeen. Before all this gaiety Brian and I went to Rob (non-Buddha)'s place and watched cartoons and talked history. Going over there is always something good because Rob keeps up a good conversation and always has a good anecdote or two. Nice thing is that I got this great idea for a game using the HERO system which is something I had not expected ever to think of a decent campaign idea. Check the gaming diary entry if you wanna see the bare bones of the idea. While driving down to Delaware I brought up how if I was a mage in the World of Darkness sense my essence would be pattern based on the fact that since 1992 or thereabouts I have not changed my outer appearance other than gaining a couple tons and becoming hairier. Still wearing black t-shirts, jeans, beard and long hair. Only discernable change being the fact that I'm wearing sneakers a lot more rather than combat boots. I remember writing in an email to Devo earlier that maybe subconsciously I'm trying to give off an image of being something stable, an anchorhead people can rely upon for security when things get rough even though I'm not emotionally stable. Yet when the time comes I'm usually able to throw that aside in order to help those close to me. Enough puffery. I also mentioned the way I see patterns in my life, from the events that occur in my life, the fact that I've noticed Brian's involved with a woman whose name starts with D and I fancy a woman whose name starts with D (and things seem to be mutual) and how I reckon if I could get Tim hooked up with a woman whose name started with D he'd get some hootchie and be happy because he'd have someone he could hang with that wasn't one of the guys. Plus I'm sure I mentioned this earlier how I've noticed lots of women around me have red hair, dyed or natural. That brought me to recounting a dream I had back in college where I was walking through the empty parking lot closest to the art building on my campus when the ground around me began to tremble and an enormous monolith shoved itself skyward from under my feet. I found myself upon a platform that afforded me a remarkable view except for the fact I was so high up I could only see white clouds and only hear the roar of a crowd below which was cheering for me as if I was some popular world leader. I turned my back and walked into the chamber behind the platform where there was a red headed woman who loved me for who I am rather than what I was (whatever I was in this dream). The emotion of the dream touched me deeply and it's stayed with me ever since. What's odd is that I don't think there is anything that I am superficially before I am myself. I'm not in some position of power, I'm not rich, I don't have some lucrative job. Maybe people see me through spivak colored glasses rather than seeing me as I am. I know I do that since I have Devo colored glasses sometimes or Brian colored glasses or Makonan colored glasses or Malyss colored glasses. I see what I want to see rather than the whole picture. Rereading that sentence reminds me of one of the themes in the works of Charles Fort. Charles Fort wrote about anomalous phenomena that the scientific community would explain away in a sentence or simply exclude because it doesn't fit their paradigm. Scientists see what they want to see and they explain what they want to see by it being measurable and reproducable by anyone. Like dark matter. Long ago scientists believed that the universe was suffused with this stuff called ether but then scientists decided the universal model worked better if it was filled up with emptiness. A void. Intergalactic space is very close to emptiness with one atom per cubic meter. Interstellar space is less so with one atom per cubic centimeter. At sea level on Earth there are trillions of atoms in a cubic centimeter. The last bit I'm unsure about but for the purposes of this entry it's close enough. Now scientists are discovering that there's missing mass in the universe and they're calling it dark matter which apparently resides in the space between stars and galaxies. Dark matter just sounds like a modern version of ether that'll either be laughed at as being quaint a century from now or they'll discover there was ether all along. Ether was the standard back in the seventeenth century because it was convenient. Now science has put itself into a box because its model has brought up stuff that wasn't there before, or was there all along and just excluded, and they have to replace stuff that's convenient to their model. This is all rambly which is like on the old Johnny Carson show when they were due to go for commercial and the band would play a few piano chords as a polite reminder to pick up the pace and end it right there. So I will.
Little something going through my head right now. It's past three and I'm watching Superman II with Brian. I keep remembering being told by women that they've always thought I disliked them because of my bearing. It's more like feeling intimidated by women that I would be interested in because something in the back of my head starts going off about how I have no chance, don't bother, blah blah blah. Plus my approach to women is usually too subtle (Hi, Brian) because I don't want to come across too strong because there were times in the past where I decided to be myself and got the impression I was being way too forward and it was unwelcome or I made myself unwelcome by my approach. To an extent I still feel intimidated around women that I am seriously interested in. Like back in April I reckon I could've tried something with Devo but I was just intimidated because I think she's hot, too hot and out of my league. Also I reckon that I don't deserve her but that feeling's relatively minor and waning. It's very late. Just been feeling twinges but I'm keeping them to myself except for putting things here on my web page. That's it pretty much. Eat me. Drink me. Trust me. Just feeling melancholy at the moment because I'm always thinking about Malyss and her mother. Before that, and less importantly, I was caught up with my feelings and the people involved with my life but that seems to be on an even keel right now. I've suddenly been the recipient of fan mail from a regular reader of my diary. Luckily enough this person is using a freemail account, doesn't reveal anything except for vague generalities about my diary which could easily be gleaned from *anon posts and the spam that fills up *stonecutters. I am very sure that this person is a fiction. Whether or not this person is real or made up I'm honored by the sentiments or the fact someone wants to scam me so much that they'll create an alternate identity. Lemme see, I lined up a truck rental, got a mattress for my futon, most of the stuff on my many lists posted elsewhere on this site, talked with Makonan for about an hour and was surprised that she laughed quite easily along with the fact that her voice wasn't huskier or darker in mood. She was positively effervescent. Talked with Kylie exchanging dirt on a MOOer, avoided sleep by watching the 4 a.m. Star Trek: The Next Generation, wrote this and went to sleep. Today was interesting with a phone call for my father that I fielded while he was at work. He dresses up like Santa Claus around that season for orphanages and for the local Christmas parade and whomever phoned was asking for Santa Claus. I thought they were calling in regards to his community work but apparently he bought a TV from PC Richard and wrote down his name as Santa. I said that he was at the office with his elves which was followed by "Is that his real name?" I told her that my father's parents were beatniks, a term she didn't know. I told her "You know, berets, bongo drums, bad poetry and snapping fingers" and she replied "Oh, like hippies!" I sighed inside. She said that she would call back and ask for Kris but I said she'd get him more quickly if she asked for Mr. Kringle. I don't think that she caught on. I was talking to Makonan_Guest today and talked to her about Kinja, a year ago Szilvia hit on Kinja much to Kinja's amusement along with how Kinja was ready for a face off because she thought Szilvia was hot for me. Ends up that Szilvia starts hitting on Kinja. On the way home Kinja was babbling about how funny it was and that Szilvia was too butch for her and got a little less flattering which made me wince. Jeez. Still when she told me about how Szilvia wasn't her type in such a fashion like I was afraid she might stray which baffled me. At the time I wasn't even worried about Kinja cheating or leaving me because it really didn't bother me. I dunno if it was because it truly didn't bother me or I knew deep down that Kinja wasn't a forever thing. I went out to search for the title of my car to no avail so I have to get a new title tomorrow and then put the car in my name as well as get insurance for the car and while I was out I missed two folks on LambdaMOO. Bah. Thankfully I seem to only have missed them by fifteen minutes and I phoned them back. Devo was probably in the shower getting ready to go out to a concert, I think Makonan was out doing stuff when I caught her on the phone because the reception was so bad. That's about it. More tomorrow. Friday is my terrible DMV day. Regarding the posts of the past three days, I was trying to get a Lewis Carroll feel on my diary. Also I've been a wee bit busy and untalkative. I had exchanged an email or two with Devo expressing my feelings and I reckon everything is alright. See, I thought I was a delusional fool who was projecting things like emotions on her. For good or bad, that's not a good thing to do and it's abusive even though it doesn't leave bruises. So while I was doing the "Eat me", "Drink me" and "Trust me" entries I happened to get what seems to have been my first diary fan emails! Too bad they were most likely fakes. Here they are, headers and all, for your reading enjoyment. I'll be kind and not post what I got from the traceroute I did and my logs from wusage AOL isn't anonymous enough nor is the ubitquitous @home. From: Natashayas@netscape.net Save Address - Block Sender I'd love to eat you. -------------------- Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Webmail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/ Ut oh! WINKY EMOTICON. Like I was much better when I replied with "I hope you meant you want to eat me in the fun way rather than in the Hannibal Lecter way". My reply also asked who this person was since this was the first time I heard from him/her and this being the first email in regards to my online diary from someone I don't know from LambdaMOO. From: Natashayas@netscape.net Save Address - Block Sender Really? I sent you two messages before. The first one was kind of dumb. May 13- <snipped desperate plea that you not publish this> I have been reading your diary for awhile and I feel like I should say something. You keep talking about how you are fat and women don't like you or something. I think that's bullshit. You're very attractive. What's unattractive is the way you feel about yourself. Women can smell low self-esteem. I am female, and not ugly. Here's #2: I'm glad that you're moving out. I, this person who you don't know and has no credibility with you, think that is a good choice. I admit I felt the need to write after seeing today's (tomorrow's?) entry. Nice entry. Nice picture. I'd say more, but I'd embarrass myself. And here's the rest of #4: -------------------- Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Webmail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/ I'm surprised that if this person had emailed me previously why I didn't see these emails and considering the wording of the email I reckon I would've gotten one or two "Did you get my email?" emails. Plus I never posted any pic for the June 19th entry. Things seem fishy. Heck, I didn't post any pics of myself before or after that day. Plus they've misconstrued my diary entries and seem to be working off stuff that's been posted on *anon and elsewhere in regards to my diary. Having a pretty good idea who this was, I replied with "Nice try. I think I hear your parole officer knocking at your door." which garnered this reply: From: Natashayas@netscape.net Save Address - Block Sender What? I knew this would be a bad idea. I guess I have embarrassed myself. I'm a girl. I guess I can't expect you to believe it. Maybe I should have kept my thoughts to myself and waited for things to resolve themselves. You don't seem to need any help, or advice. I just felt that you were doing yourself a disservice by saying those things, and I had to say something about it. I hope you feel better about yourself after you move. I suppose I will want to look at the picture occasionally. I don't even know if it's still up, but maybe that will be enough. -------------------- Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Webmail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/ Ain't that cute? Of course if this was a genuine email I don't feel any remorse for reposting it here. These diary entries don't write themselves. Since it wasn't a good day because I received Very Bad News (tm) I replied with "Yeah, whatever. It's not a good day to play this game." From: Natashayas@netscape.net Save Address - Block Sender Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe I should have copied the rest of message one, where I said I didn't want to censor you (not that you probably care anyway). I think it's good that you talk about how you feel. I thought you were kind of an asshole, frankly, at first. It's changed, though, when you started talking about things more. I could say more about you not being an asshole and what I think, but I guess you can already handle those things yourself. I'm finding it hard to say things now, because I'm afraid you'll hate it, so I guess I'll stop. I can't find that picture, though. It's a good picture and if I were you I'd want people to see it. P.S. Let me know if I should stop writing. -------------------- Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Webmail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/ I didn't reply to this one, I figure they gave up that I wasn't taking the bait. What's the lesson to learn from this story? I'm a very suspicious person and if someone's going to contact me out of the blue at least come across as a real person. Maybe even give me a link to your own site which didn't just magically appear the day I receive the email. There's other criteria but I won't post that since it's long and rambling like Mojo Jojo. Lastly, and on another subject, from what I've experienced in my 30 years living in New Jersey, only 15% of black people are not niggers. The rest are rude and just as racist as you, gentle reader, might think I am because I call 'em as I see 'em. |
