Everything's still here and running. I hope the media is looking ignorant and backwards now.
Screw the typos, I'll let 'em stand.
I finally got up the energy to write something into my diary. Lately I've been tired and stressed. I know I have no right to even have those feelings but I feel them nonetheless. And be assured, gentle reader, that there is no way that these outweigh any feelings you might have because if you have a life you're entitled to sympathy and understanding.
When I do it, it's just whining.
My NYE was my NYE and I'm not going to share. But I will share what happened after I returned.
The weekend was a cold one and I used to keep my window open year-round because I enjoy it. My bed's that much warmer. My sleep is that much deeper. My pillows are much more delightful. But ever since my frogs went into my room, it's a luxury I can not afford. I love my frogs and I want them happy and healthy.
The night before my return, my mother felt that the house was too cold and decided that I was the culprit wasting precious heat for the great outdoors. She entered my room, saw the mess, saw my window was shut and exited feeling disturbed.
Upon my return she greeted me with "Clean your room. Just throw stuff out and get it done." followed with her story which was punctuated with "...either you're lazy or you're insane. Get it done."
Fine.
I was going to anyway because it was bugging me a whole lot as well so I promptly put it off until tomorrow. We also silently agreed that I wasn't insane and left it at that.
The night was rounded out with Lambda, Sim City and reading (The Collected Works of Charles Fort).
With the new day came more stress which involved getting started. This was compounded by the fact that my mother was home.
Fuck.
Yet my Dad claimed that he warned me. Oh well.
I thought, "Perfect! I clean my room, stay out of her hair and I'm being productive." Then I heard her go out shopping. "Excellent! Now I don't have to be embarassed about stuff I throw out too." and I began in earnest.
She returned and rapped on my door. My mother is amazing, she could've been a Gestapo agent with her signature knock. Each time I hear it I await "Juden rous!" as my blood pressure rises. The twisting in my stomach is exquisite and wonderfully counterpointed by the labored machinations of my gristle-infused heart laboring harder from simple fear.
"Go to Foodtown. They're hiring. It looks like they're taking anyone. Fuckers can't even count change." she barked through the door.
I stared, nodded then retreated into my room.
I picked up a little more only to be interrupted again by her.
"Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with here?" she yelled. "Get out. Don't come back until you have something."
"Now!"
I got my shit together, finished dressing and left for my car. I went to a few places but nothing went through for me really. I went to a detective agency and offered my skills of stalking people (oops, searching public records and using the internet as a valuable resource). The president asked me to call him on the 17th, he liked that I just came in and was curious about hte agency. My fingers are crossed but I don't have my hopes up. It's always best to expect nothing.
The game was alright that night but the reality of not having a home hit me. Did she mean "Don't come back ever"? There's no way I'm going to waste my time at unskilled labor at minimum wage and not gain anything. At worst, I'll work at a warehouse where I gotta lift boxes all night and load trucks. At least my body will get a workout, my brain will be fairly idle so I can think up story ideas and also bring home some money.
Plus I was frustrated. Did she want my room cleaned (quicker to move out wth less stuff, it's so obvious she wants me gone and obvious that I want nothing to do with her once I'm gone [this is an old vicious cycle]) or want me to be employed? If I'm working, I'll have no time to clean my room because I'll be sleeping, working, eating then sleeping again. That simple.
So after the game I slept at my father's business beginning the cycle of avoidance again. I'm home when she's not home. I leave at 4:30 and erase all traces of my being there then come home at 11 or so. Here's the neat thing.
When I'd keep my window open, my door would bang in the jamb so I'd tie it closed when I wasn't home. I figured out how to tie the door closed wehn I'm already in my room so now I can sleep in my bed but give the illusion of being out somewhere. Hee hee!
As of right now I reckon that I'm trespassing at my house but I'll find out what's going on Saturday because I have nowhere else to go and my mother will be here. Hopefully all will be well and it's my stressing that is blowing shit entirely out of proportion. I want this all to end soon. I know that I have the power to do so but I can't get it to click inside me. I talked about htis in therapy and the answer is "Get out on my own" so I can fully realize myself as an individual. Yet I can't get over that hump which is why I have therapy so I can do the pushing rather than someone forcing me or someone coddling me. When I'm out in the world alone or with my friends, I'm normal and well adjusted but once I'm "home" I revert to something bad and it just shames me.
I also have other issues going on too, but they're being understood. The bullshit going on with my living situation takes precedence at the cost of everything else. No more, I deserve better.
Rocco got neutered last Tuesday and I was disappointed. My parents said that he had to be neutered because if he wasn't then he really wasn't ours. Some sort of bizarre breeder thing. When I went to go pick up the little guy from the vet's I apologized to him as he was being brought out.
The veterinarian, a woman, said, "It's the best thing that could ever happen to him." in a cheery tone and set the little fellow down beside me.
I stared at her and growled.
Poor little guy, he'll turn faggot in a few months. They could've just given him a vasectomy or we could've lied to the breeder since Rocco's never going to go out (therefore never going to get laid).
What is it with broads and having this great view of neutering? Heaven forbid anyone makes light of spaying or hysterectomies! The poor being has been violated without consent and won't fully develop correctly. I know when I get a dog, he's going to keep his nuts regardless of ordinances and if anyone has a problem with that I'll just sneak into their homes late at night and sever their nutsack with a hot knife.
Oh yeah, I'll eventually get around to fixing the typos. Hehe.
I spent most of the day out of the house and it was bearable. With little to do, my mind wandered and I thought about everything going on with my life. I feel as if I died way back in 1991 or so and ever since I've just been haunting my house. I know it's derivative of The Sixth Sense but I always question shit like this. There were times when I first started MOOing I couldn't believe that I was actually online and interacting with other people and how cool it was. Somehow my brain would switch everything around and I'd get the idea I was really insane sitting at the computer making up hundreds of personalities and when I felt that I had definitely created a relationship with someone I'd just call the number for their town's time and listen for hours to "The time will be 11:04 at the beep. *BEEP*!. The time will be 11:05 at..." you get the idea.
Maybe it comes from not really thinking I deserve any of this.
Anyway, the house just seems to show me that I'm not really here except for my room. The only pictures of me are the ones taken of me for my high school yearbook (i'll scan one so you can laugh later). The food in the fridge is just enough for my parents and maybe my sister (I can only tell what stuff is hers because she insists on labelling everything). My room is always closed, dusty with cobwebs. Okay, not many cobwebs but I've seen one or two and batted them down only to apologize to Mrs. Spider for ruining her little trap.
I had a dream kind of like this a few years ago and it floats up to the surface every time this thought goes through my head.
For some reason I know for a fact that I'm dead and I'm wandering through the house. Life is going on without me and quite happily and it ends up that my room was rented out to some oriental guy. Depressed, I went outside and came across someghost who said he had a way for me to interact with my loved ones just one more time except it would dissolve my spirit and that would be it entirely.
Being an idiot in the dream, I decided to take this black powered armor that was what he offered. I put it on and I looked like a shiny black bug in it. Very bizarre. Then I dream-knew to go to my room, enter the oriental guy and I'd have complete control over his body. I went upstairs and stood in the doorway of my parents' room.
My mom looked at me strangely and I said "I love you" and then turned away. I was a bit upset that my father and sister weren't around because my time was growing short.
I was able to get out of the suit after a struggle but I was much fainter than I had been before and felt kind of lucky that I was able to spite the ghost that gave me the suit. Unfortunately it started following me around.
I think I was trying to avoid it catching me and eating the rest of my soul or if I just talked to it for a while (I could only do that by looking at it in a mirror). Really strange but that's about it.
Maybe I'm dead, maybe I'm alive. I'm just not in my right head.
Not much going on here, just listening to my Sinatra CDs again and tinkering around with my webpage. If anything happens, you'll be the last to know ;)
February 2000
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Hi. I'm back. Yes, I know that I blew my brains out on Lambda but *rr says I'll be able to log on again around Wednesday.
I haven't posted anything here for a month because I've been very depressed. I don't know and I don't care if you've noticed it when I've been online or not. I've just been depressed and I still haven't figured out why this just won't leave me.
In case you didn't know, Malyss and I broke up a while ago. I also met someone who I will refer to in my journal as Kinja. I didn't tell Malyss about this for a bit because I was concerned about her feelings but I realized that she took it hard when I asked if we could be just friends.
I took it hard too because I was (and I still am) afraid that Malyss will hate me and not want to have any part of my life.
Other than that, I've been avoiding life in general because of my depression. Therapy's been doing me some good but lately I've been feeling like I'm spinning my wheels and nothing's getting anywhere. What I remember most about January are my therapy sessions, the beginning of a new Champions game (run by Tim, Rob's fine game had come to an end) and playing my new character ShadowTurtle, beating myself up inside because of my emotions and case after case of orange soda. I don't know if I have any teeth left because I've let that go by the wayside. (checks mouth) Eh, they seem to still be there but Chinese food hurts sometimes.
And I can't forget living precariously for days on end, coming home very late, learning how to create the illusion of being out when I'm really holed up in my room (where I have no computer...), sneaking around, leaving the house before my mother returned home and doing what little I could to keep myself busy so I would forget I was trying hard not to go home and face my mother.
Things haven't been good, things still aren't good. I even asked my father if he knew how to get in touch with everyone in my life in case I died. He didn't, but I made him a list then he asked me if I was going to kill myself.
Nope, I never felt like killing myself because that's only for fuckups. I have no respect for people who talk about killing themselves or kill themselves just enough so they're found, saved and nurtured in an unnatural way for days to build up a false sense of self-esteem. I just asked because I was depressed and figured if I did die right about then, I wouldn't complain.
Well if any of this comes as a surprise to you, I don't know what to say.
I'm going to try to stay away from the computer for a bit except to update my webpage. I just feel like I have nowhere to go.
Bye.
Today was Kinja's birthday and I got her a Hello Kitty bag with a Hello Kitty thermos and she liked that a lot. I was happy that she liked it.
Last night I was very depressed but I tried to keep it light so I didn't ruin Kinja's birthday. She's been through a lot lately and she doesn't need any of my shit laid on her, plus it's not fair to her or anyone that I've been so low lately. Nobody needs my shit and I wish that they would just go away sometimes because then I'd find out that I am right that nobody cares and actually drawing on that and doing something for myself rather than having some glimmer of hope or some feeling someone's going to give a shit and stroke me for a bit. Once that stroking is over, I'm still going to be depressed and I'm still going to be stuck with myself. I came into the world alone, I'm going to leave it alone.
I'm not going to be able to say "I entered the world crying and everyone rejoiced and when I left the world cried and I rejoiced" because so far things haven't been worthwhile for me. Yeah, I have/had a few things. My friend Tim who's a great game master, my friend Brian who I've known for more than a decade, Kinja who supports me and feels she has to put up with the ugliness inside me that is me, Malyss who saved me back in April and for so very long put up with the ugliness that is me, Rob who's got a great imagination and creates shit that I envy and I'd like to see him run a game again. But despite all that, it's transient. I'm always going to have myself and I'm going to have to live with that. Nobody else has to deal with it.
I finally saw the first episode of Farscape and that made me happy. I've been wanting to see it for quite a while and it seemed elusive. Plus Sci-Fi's been playing the ads for their Xena night that always end with a dyke-y kiss between Xena and Gabrielle. Hehe.
I went outside earlier today and I found a bee lying still on the windshield. I went inside to get a glass and an envelope, scooped her up and placed her underneath the glass. Sadly, she was in the insect death curl. I decided to leave her in the sunset and go about my business and when I came back about 10 minutes later she was buzzing about. I was surprised, I thought bugs only did that position when they died. Kinda neat that when things die, they revert to the (or an approximation of) position they were in when they were being born. I reckon if humans weren't enbalmed, fussed with and all that other shit humans would be buried in the foetal position.
I brought her inside and she buzzed around the glass, she seemed awfully feisty and I decided that I oughta let her go instead of keeping her for the night (I slipped 2 toothpicks under the glass to get some air circulation). Once outside, she crawled over the envelope, on my thumb then zipped up high in the air and flew off into the sunset. I hope she got back to her hive safely. Fucking freak weather screwing up animals. Then again the weather around here has been fairly normal for this time of year, we had snow (not blizzards, sigh) and now it's melting. The past few days have felt more like March than February.
I'm not going to write anymore today. I might write more later. Dunno. I stop babbling.
I was going to write something but it was just going to be yet another dismal thing. I have no reason to feel bad, I'm the only one who did wrong and I oughtn't try to even think some people have no right to be mad at me. It's like Americans trying to make themselves look like victims when they were just being imperialist but didn't want the stigma that went along with it.
I'm not a good human being and I have to live with that. Heh, this ended up being dismal anyway. Oh yeah, my parents returned from Puerto Rico safely and the way they described it that territory sounds a lot like New Jersey of the Caribbean. I wonder if Mynx is going to tell me wrong if or when I log back onto Lambda.
Just in case anyone was wondering, the last few diary entries were not calls for help or veiled threats of suicide. If I was going to kill myself, I would have done it already and nobody would've been notified. I just had to get all that out of me.
Sadly, writing those didn't help my mood either.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Today I realized that my jeans are on their last legs and I'm in desperate need of penis-coverings. That's what I get for thinking, "Aw innat cute? Rocco's sharpening his claws on my jeans. Hm, no discernable damage." in the first place.
I went up to Kinja's work and gave her a card and the Limp Bizkit tape that she's been going off on for a while. I'll note that I did feel silly buying it because the cover just screamed "wigger" and I'm glad that there's no way someone could think of me being a wigger. I got it on tape so she could listen to it on the way home, she wouldn't have the patience for a CD which she'd probably have me record and she wouldn't get instant gratification. Sometimes she's very much like Veruca Salt. She gave me two cards and some chocolate (which i ate on the drive home, except for the bear which i'll probably pick at for a day or so).
I got home, slept because tonight's therapy was cancelled, put together a Naga ranged attack deck after waking up and decided to update my page.
Oh yeah, yesterday I spent the afternoon with Tim trying to get a deck together for Strike At Midnight. My military Naga deck hosed his Sepulcher of Bone deck twice (he said it was one of his better ones) but his Spawning Grounds deck fucked me up. God damned +1F/+1C bonuses for bringing oni into play, the only thing is I couldn't do a double whammy on him since I was playing Heart of the Shinomen Forest and Plague of Locusts would've fucked me just as bad as it would have fucked him. If I play a non-free gold Naga deck, I'll definitely play Iris Festival and Plague of Locusts to screw Shadowlands.
I have my fingers crossed and I'm hoping I at least beat 3 people at the tournament. If I win any more or even place I'll be ecstatic.
Whee! It's a gaming night and I'm looking forward to it as well. We'll be resolving the combat from last week, our characters will get to know each other more and other stuff. If I had the time, I'd probably stop by the Woodbridge Mall to get a new brick of dice. My old dice have been scattered to the four winds (thanks to keeping my old car a wreck) and they held bad ju-ju in them from games when I made a scene (losing my temper after my patience fails for the last time at Brian's old, detestable, girlfriend for her style of roleplaying which brought the game down to her speed with absolutely no flexibility. from what i hear, her d & d game is run in much the same fashion. also losing my temper at some fuckwit for not heeding my warning of "Don't talk to me, I need to calm down." and him complaining "Well, I just wanted to ask you..." and everything else becoming a blur after the fact. i'm so glad that they're both gone, that nobody liked those people anyway and i was actually able to use my short temper for good, not evil).
Eh, I dunno if the place in Woodbridge would have them. I remember the store rarely has sets of dice in the same style and I'm anal.
I just got in from gaming. Tonight was an odd night for me because Brian and Diane dropped out of the game. Brian couldn't make it because his woman wanted him to be home to clean up the house to make room for her new housemates (a couple and another male, the couple i'm aquainted with from online. the other male i don't know and i smell trouble. i worry about him). I could only think whck! chhh! meow! while at the game wondering about him and the forced labor. Sigh.
I was naughty while driving down to get Tim because I knew this was about the time when Mercury was at its greatest elongation from the sun and I had a great view of the sun and the horizon on the bridge just before the Raritan toll plaza on the Parkway. I was looking a bit over to the right and in front of me trying to catch a glimpse of that tiny planet. I finally got a nice peek which had to keep me. I did thoroughly chastise myself though.
Anyway, there were four people at the game and it was a quorum so we proceeded as usual only to avoid a big point that could only happen with everyone there purely out of fairness and Tim is fair as a game master. We had time to goof around before our final player arrived so Tim and I tested out my Naga deck. I fared well against his Unicorn deck, my Nio Sensei slowed him down while I built up my people and got fast gold. Once I got Peasant Revolt, I thundered in and took out two provinces. When I faced his Crane deck (twice) it was a bit rough but I can say we were definitely matched almost evenly, except I didn't have enough anti-duelling stuff in my deck only Arrows from the Ranks.
The game started once Booner arrived and went pleasantly enough, we went off on tangents, fell back into the game, had some simulated combat in Sanctuary's danger rooms then the night wrapped up at midnight. Hopefully next week things will be better and the game will move forward.
My day has been rounded with a headache, upon waking I had one and now I have one. Good night.
Hullo. I'm just hoping that my father goes out to the supermarket today and I'm able to tag along and get supplies lest I just stay hungry (WOO TWISTED SISTER) through the week. More later, maybe.
Very interesting. Once I woke up and got to the computer, my father came in and gave me sixty bucks for groceries. I smell a witch's hand in this, Kinja.
I got a few decent suggestions for what to do with my Naga deck (I'm gonna scan the cards in and maybe do some more work on the L5R section of my site even if it's just a text menu and one deck. Ugh, so many cards to scan) and been told that it's fairly solid. Just gotta keep my fingers crossed and polish up that puppy for Saturday. I need to tweak it to avoid metagaming which might screw me up something fierce. I definitely need to put in The Daini and Ring of the Void since I'll be burning through my fate deck and I oughta have more gold/personalities out in play than my opponents.
I doubt I'm going to go back on Lambda any time soon. I'm just not ready to and I'm not going to pull some lame shit like Lora and continually blow my brains out. Doesn't that faggot know how to put a verb on himself to stay offline or how to have a modicum of self control?
I reckon I'll get started on doing the L5R page now. Bye.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I misplaced the zip disk that has my offline copy of this website. Shit, that'll learn me to put all my eggs in one basket. If I find it, I'm definitely going to make a copy of the files on my hard drive. Shit, and I was going to do some work on my L5R page with scanned cards. Maybe I'll find it tomorrow.
My zip disk is still MIA. Crap, and I had a lot of keen stuff on there as well. Saturday's the tournament and I have to phone the store to see what time it begins so I can tell Tim to get here. Right now I'm just darkening in the area around the Naga mon I scanned off one of my stronghold cards and waiting to see if I can get a good trade from Tralan. He's gonna give me Lord Moon's Bones for Kitsune Diro experienced and 2 Kitsune Diro non-experienced and he thinks he should put another card or two into the mix. Woo woo! :)
So far there are two things going for today, it's snowing and I found my zip disk (which was conveniently hidden in plain sight, gah). I wonder what the third treat shall be.
I am very sad, not crying sad, but I am sad because it seems that everything has been for nothing.
Today's the L5R tournament, I'll post how I did when I get back then just sit around the house tonight.
I just finished up my day. Went out to the tournament where I came in 2-3 (I would've been 3-3 except I made a mistake [should've used Isha to destroy the Entrapping Terrain the Honor-Unicorn player played. would've gotten a military victory before he got to his honor victory]) and I won an Ambition's Debt poster of The Yakamo. It's pretty much the same art that's on the AD Naga box. Cool. Then I went to run an errand or two, picked up pizza, came back here with Tim and watched TV, screwed around with decks then played a few rounds until he left because I was completely wiped.
Other than that, I tried to keep my feelings quiet and felt I succeeded somewhat. @whee on that. Screw this, I don't know what else to type.
And now, the end is near and so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear, I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived a life that's full. I've traveled each and ev'ry highway; But more, much more than this, I did it my way.
Regrets, I've had a few; but then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course; each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this, I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew when I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall; and did it my way.
I've loved, I've laughed and cried. I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that; and may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me, I did it my way".
For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels; and not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way.
I've procrastinated and I'm going to procrastinate some more. I have to clean out the gray car in the morning so it can be towed away. It's stupid but I have memories tied with that car and I always thought it was going to always be there, running, despite it being old, despite it being a wreck. I don't understand how I can take seemingly good care of cars and they just end up dying eventually. I know they're not in the best shape when I get them but I do endeavor to keep them workable.
That car drove so many miles too, according to my father the odometer has rolled over twice (i rolled it over the second time) and maybe it was its time, but I wasn't ready. I know it's seen most of New Jersey, all the back roads, the lovely tiny towns, the long stretches on the Turnpike and sometimes taking 70 home through the Pine Barrens.
Bye bye.
After a night of tinkering with my web page, mostly the L5R section, and procrastinating I ended up going outside to salvage as much as I could from the old gray car. I cried for most of the time and I wished the vehicle farewell. Now most of that stuff is stuffed in the basement and I reckon I'll have to get some storage space. I close my eyes now and I just see the emptiness I feel inside me. I feel like I have nothing right now and I'm the only one to blame. I really should shut up because feeling this way and sharing this feeling isn't going to be productive and the only thing it will lead to is something unhealthy later on down the road. Sympathy. Stroking. That kind of shit. I'm just venting here, if I wanted something I would ask for it.
Bah, the bad thing about being unemployed is that every day is a holiday and when the workers have a holiday it comes along as a complete surprise. My mother was home today but at least it was calm and quiet. I've got therapy tonight and I hope that I'll be able to get money for gas and food so I can do tomorrow's gaming.
I'm also glad I finally got through xoom's FTP server which was screwed up for most of last night so I could upload this. Don't have much to say right now but I wanted to put up something.
Oh yeah, my busywork for today was organizing my files, making a zip disk that's just for my HTML stuff and checking Dr. Watson to see how fast my pages loaded and what HTML screwups I might have. So far my index page loads in 8 seconds on a 56k modem and this page loads in 24 seconds on the same kinda modem. I hope that's a good speed, I know I use a fair amount of extended markup but I try to keep my pages small so they load quickly.
This is awfully disturbing. When I do laundry there seems to be more hair in the washing machine's lint trap thing (it's round and fits over the agitator) when I wash my underwear but I only get lint when I wash my black shirts. The disturbing thing is that my ass and pubic hairs are showing no signs of thinning.
Okay, I'm feeling slightly better than I did last night and I apologize for my whining. Mustn't eat like that again.
Haven't been able to sleep at all tonight, I reckon it's because I ate so poorly but at least I ate something. I feel so wretched right now and when I was walking back after dropping my car off I whimpered about wanting someone to take care of me. That only made me feel depressed that I felt that low inside. That I can't even take care of myself because I don't love myself enough to do that.
I'm going to try and get some sleep, if that's possible. I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to be depressed anymore. Fuck.
Lots of cops out tonight, then again it's getting close to the end of the month and they have to meet their quotas. The very same quotas they deny they have to meet.
Driving home was a screwup on my part because I was in the mode of taking Tim down south I forgot I had to take the turnpike north to get to the parkway to go south and I ended up going south on the turnpike. Bah, I added 20 miles that I really shouldn't have driven but Tim got home alright and I'm here.
All night my shoulders and neck have been in pain, terribly stiff too. I think it's psychosomatic and I need to get to the cause of it all. I haven't done anything strenuous to harm my atrophied muscles and the pain seems to come and go. This all started about 2 weeks ago being something I first thought (and Kinja thought) was a pinched nerve. I reckon this will go away soon, or when I figure out the source of my emotional stress. The upside is that my depression now has a physical manifestation so it's easier to handle.
I need to get to sleep. G'nite.
Strange, I thought that Kinja was going to write something to me today to include in my journal. Maybe she forgot. I'll just ask about it tonight and everything.
Whoops, I was wrong. Kinja said if she ever had anything to add or say to my diary she would write something. My bad.
There's food in the house that's just for me and I'm gonna clean myself up today just because. Maybe it'll help my mood. Everyone's been telling me how they're worried about me and my mood. My sister and father were talking about me at lunch and Kinja said that she's been worried. I dunno if I can say I'm worried.
I would hope that this passes.
Oh yeah, I'm also worried about my best friend Brian because of stuff that's going down over in his area. His girlfriend is opening up her house to her friends from the internet and from what little I've heard has had Brian getting everything in order when he's not working his two jobs.
Don't worry, I think he maxes out about 20-30 hours a week with those 2 jobs.
I'm hoping that Brian's getting closer to self-sufficiency because I have a bad feeling about this situation and it's going to be sad if he's out on his ass with nowhere to go.
Eh, enough. No more journal tonight.
Yesterday was another fairly nameless day that was interrupted by nothing but at least it got rounded out with some dinner from Kinja which is cooking in the oven right now. Whee. I also got email from MutantNemesis from LambdaMOO and it's here for you to see. There's other stuff on the bottom too but big fucking deal, eh?
Dinner was lovely and I'm gonna finish it all off at lunchtime. Seems like when I check out the observatory tonight I'll have a full stomach. I could've finished the entire thing but I had some self-control.
Yeah, it's lame, I took this and pasted it under here from the previous entry. Point and laugh now.
I finally logged back onto Lambda after 14 days, 9 hours and somethingsomething minutes and seconds, and I learned that I'm a nancy boy pussy motherfucker too.
In other news, Kinja knows too much about her cat Max. The following is in her words.
Last night I was laying on the couch and I heard Max make a noice that I have never heard him make before. He makes this noise a few times so now I'm curious and I get my fat ass off the terrible couch to see what he is up to. Max has this pink and white striped toy that looks like a stuffed sock , anyway, there he is with that sock HUMPING IT! I mean I saw his little pink pecker and all and he is looking at me and grinning. I tell him he is a pervert for doing that in front of me and seriously, I have a hard time cuddling him like I always do. I was tainted by the image. Well that little fucker this morning I'm sitting on the bed blow drying my hair and what does he do? He goes into the tv room, drags his girlfriend into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and HUMPS it in front of me.... I looked at him with disgust and laughed my ass off.
Way too cloudy, I felt kind of silly going to the observatory but at least I figured out what's going on over there and I reckon one clear Friday night I'll head over there and take a gander at some stuff.
Bleh, the movie Mission to Mars looks like it's going to be about how aliens began life on Earth. Aren't people fucking happy with the fact that we crawled out of goo and became human over billions of years? Does life really need to have an origin that isn't so ignominious? Does human life have to know that it was created and in that creation life has meaning?
Life is meaningless. The universe is chaos. Seeing order in the universe or life is simply seeing ourselves reflected there.
I got pizza tonight and now I've got the shits. Eh, I wanted to have something different and disregarded (or conveniently forgot about) the repercussions. Hopefully when I go buy meat tonight (or tomorrow) I'll be able to make it through like a human being, not clench-cheeked and limping along so my jeans don't get stained.
Lastly, Malyss emailed me again and I will be reading her three emails tomorrow and I hope they're not filled with PANSY ASS NANCY BOY CHICKEN ASS MOTHERFUCKER!. I know that was paged after I used the Russian Roulette gun on LambdaMOO (because I wanted to avoid confrontation) but a little part of me is reticent to peek. Anyway I went back onto Lambda and it wasn't bad and I have to read her emails.
Why do I expect the worst of people?
It's after 2 a.m.. I am going to bed before 11:30 on the 28th. I can't do this anymore. I need to get to sleep at a normal-ish time so I don't sleep my nights away and have strange dreams about sleeping on scanners that are supposed to be manifestations of pure nothingness. I need to go to bed before 11:30 p.m. for a while. This is fucking crazy. It's eating up my life and I feel like I'm stuck because the only thing that'll entertain me is the computer and I want to go away. I don't want to think "Yeah, I'll head out and go food shopping after I finish updating my webpage." and then realize that it's 2 hours later and I'm already being teased with the concept of doing yet another thing on the computer because I think it's constructive. I'm already competent in HTML and I only have so much to say in this little forum. Fuck fuck fuck! Why do I defeat myself? I don't want to become Deanna!
To think that I put my relationship with Kinja in jeopardy because I was trying to protect Malyss' feelings after all this time and now it ends up that I've lost a friend who I care about and I will miss because she wants nothing to do with me anymore. That Kinja and I went to great lengths to save our relationship because I was putting Malyss' feelings first and it was hurtings us.
I love you, Kinja. I am sorry for all the times you acted out of love and got bit in return. For that, I am a terrible human being.
What a day to be alive for! The first leap day in a year ending in 2 zeros since around Galileo's time. How did I take advantage of such a once in several lifetimes event? I MOOed, ate, pooped too much and gamed. I'm living on the edge that's for sure.
I have no reason to feel the way that I did on Sunday and a tiny bit into Monday because what the hell was I expecting? I felt bad then I stopped and said to myself "Why should I feel bad for doing right by me?" because people aren't as fragile as I make them out to be.
Other than that, I thought of my character ShadowTurtle in pokemon terms tonight when I had some downtime at the game. ShadowTurtle evolves into ShadowTortoise who evolves into Terrorpin. I even broke down laughing because when our group of metahumans was about to be taken in by the authorities (a group of metahumans known as Phalanx was hired by New Jersey) and I had this image of General Duke (heavily based upon General Duke from StarCraft) holding out a Pokeball saying "ShadowTurtle return!" and putting him on his belt.
G'nite.
