Why do I feel like this? I feel like some people have a whole lot more fun with other people than they ever did with me. Even when people say something about seeing me they don'tf gush about me or go off about me and if something is said it just looks forced just to shut my fucking hairy trap.What kind of fun am I anyway? Just look at this fucking mess of a diary, how can anyone enjoy my company? Whine whine whine. Fish fish fish for compliments. Someone soothe the tortured spivak. I keep saying I'm sick of it and I should stop but I keep feeling like it but I expressing it on the web and in private with my friends. Oh boy, I'm a broken record.
Why the hell should I think I'm something special to someone or anyone if they don't think I'm special even though part of me thinks I am something good. Other people's opinions of me, perceived or factual, outweigh my own always. Other people being the folks I'm stupid enough to hold in high regard. Shit like this is bound to elicit responses, if any since no one ever responds to me from my site, of "WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE."
I know this all stems from me not liking myself which in my mind creates a catch twenty two situation. I express the fact that I don't like myself coupled with the fact that I can only start liking myself if someone likes me. The word "like" isn't strong enough but "love" is too extreme and scares women away. Fuck it. Love. Where was I? I don't like myself unless someone loves me but I'm certain most women would be turned off by this or just tell me that they know what's best for me by not getting involved with me since (rolls eyes) I have to love myself before I can love anyone else.
That's fucking bullshit. I loved Malyss and I'm sure she'd back up that claim and the entire time I was with her I didn't like myself. At least then I could bear my own company.
Nobody loves me the way I want them to love me or the way I love them. It's always going to be that way. There is no changing. By the simple expression of "I'd like some love" people automatically turn it into something fucking bizarre like I want to get married or I want them to move out here.
What's the point? I hurt. I reckon I'm always going to hurt.