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I was going to post this on St.Patrick's Day but I wanted to talk with a dear friend about something but I never had a chance. Shor and begorrah laddies and lassies, it be Saint Paddy's Day dontcha know. It be the day that the blessed Saint Patrick drove all the faggots out of Ireland and got drunk and paraded around wearing dresses and tall, black fuzzy hats. I lift me pint o'Guinness to ye! If ye get a good look, you'll see I put some Lucky Charms in it. I've been looking through my diary and checking its statistics to see which month of the year that has me remembering the most dreams.
I do remember that January was a freakish month for me, dreamwise, so I'm not gonna count it but the figure will remain. On the average, I remember three dreams a month and a bit more than four if I take into account January of 2001 which breaks the curve and I reckon that autumn is my best month for dreaming. Mind you I don't have enough data to draw a conclusion since I've only been keeping this diary for less than two years. Yesterday morning was a rough one for me because of two toothsome chess games which I played with Devotchka. The first game was easy and I felt in control of the board except when we came across our usual stalemate lull in the game which was followed by my checkmating her after sacrificing my queen. I was surprised and quite happy since it was a game that didn't end with only three pieces each on the board. My glory was short lived because the next game she savaged my knights, bishops and rooks while I was stuck being defensive and waiting for a break in her assault. She left me with only a bunch of pawns and maybe a rook when she finally checkmated me. Great game.  Last night I had a feeling of clarity and control in my life. Not because of anything I'm doing right now or that money is coming in to line my pockets and bring me even closer with my dreams. Just out of the blue while sitting in the darkened kitchen there was this feeling where I was asking myself, "Is this what I truly want?" and if things don't go my way I wouldn't feel that bad and all the tumultuous feelings were just misdirected feelings of helplessness put on something that was more manageable. More tangible that impacted on my emotions, for good or bad. Right now I think that the whole drama queen stuff that I had been pulling among my friends (and in here) was just based on my feelings about still being at home, working what is barely a part time job (well paying though) and still dealing with the same petty shit despite the fact I'm giving four hundred dollars a month. The four hundred's another story but definitely not for here. Still getting tense when I'm awakened to be yelled at about a fucking pot left overnight in the sink. Being part of a family by name and definition only not in spirit. Sure I could reach out and interact but I have no frame of reference to start a conversation with and how my sister's too busy, my mother has stated outright she wants nothing to do with me and I don't want to trouble my father because he has more than enough burdens. The only time I am happiest is when I'm alone, whether staying up to all hours of the night or when everyone is gone on vacation. At least when I get out of here, I'll be able to gauge my behavior and understand myself more. Note: I wrote the following after being awake for eighteen hours after the chess match. Speaking of dreams, lately I've been thinking about the nature of the soul. I figure the closest that someone gets to truly experiencing what one's soul is like is through dreams. When the mind is in that dream state, its experiences go beyond what it usually perceives and slowly shifts gears to give sight to the soul. As the soul opens its eyes, the detritus of the day slides off becoming just a part of the dream before true dreaming begins in earnest. What true dreaming is, I'm not entirely sure. I do have an idea about what the soul might be. The soul is the fourth dimensional aspect of ourselves which we are unaware of, each one of us are cubes in the third dimension completely unaware that we have another form which can not be perceived and that being the tesseract. I don't believe that the fourth dimension is time because the 3D concept of time is simply measuring space and that measurement of space just takes on some abstract concept that's known as time. We measure our passage around the sun and call it a year, try to plumb the depths of deep space to reckon the beginning of everything, measure the length of time it takes to fly from the east coast to the center of the country taking into account the position relative to the earth's shadow taking into account velocity and earth's rotation to calculate how many hours it would take, barring lost luggage, Arabs and the fat woman who snores who keeps leaning against one's shoulder while sleeping and leaving a wet spot on one's shoulder. Right now, because I'm lazy and it fits my needs, I'll still think about the fourth dimension being the dimension of time. Whatever the fourth dimension is, it can only be truly understood by the insane, mathematicians and ourselves when we dream. Once our consciousness shifts in dreamtime, we can perceive and comprehend what the fourth dimension is much in the same way that Pinky can float up against the glass of his aquarium and peer out into the alien world beyond the glass but without touching it. Once dreaming ends, consciousness shifts back into the sleeping 3D body and mind where one could be awakened and attempt to relay what was seen in that other dimension. From what doctors have measured, real dreaming only takes a few seconds but an entire lifetime can be played out in those spare moments. The fourth dimension is the dimension of time where one can go outside of time as we know it and it becomes meaningless so people lose all ways of reckoning its passage and feel like days / months / years have passed when it has only been seconds. Thing that I've been playing around with has been the idea when souls are reincarnated, if they are reincarnated and I do not believe in reincarnation since I'd rather be released upon the universe and see it myself or simply fall into the nameless void beyond life and no longer exist, they can be reincarnated in the past, present or the future. Just think of running across your own soul as the old man who lives down the street or a person from 3038 reborn into the body of a neanderthal. Crows outside are like little noisy kids in the first light of day, flying low over the lawns then zooming up into the trees cawing loudly with their gravelly song. Hidden in the branches is a lone mourning dove singing her solemn hoo - hoo - hoo song for all to hear while the tinier birds like sparrows chirp nearby as they warm up in the cold morning air. High up I can hear the flocks of Canada geese honking into the distance as they return to their summer homes. I dreamt that I went upstairs and saw that Dad had brought home food from his friend's restaurant. Everyone was gathered around the bags in the kitchen, everyone comprising family and my sister's friends, and they attacked it. I became so angry that I was left out and no food was left for me. This was followed by a dream about editing videos on the laptop, one was a snippet of a video I can't recall. The second was a black and white posterized shot of Charles Manson's eyes that alphaed out and text scrolling in from the left and the right. Then I dreamt that I lived in my town's library and my bedroom here was now at the library. Pinky had grown and became a strange hybrid of an alligator and an african clawed frog. Also living in my dream room was a small gray mouse that kept waking me. Eventually I was able to let it free outside after being frustrated forever. Also had a guinea pig in my room that I wanted to set free because I felt she was lonely and bored. Once free, I went back inside and ran across someone vacuuming who asked after the guinea pig. I froze. I thought that the piggy would be forgotten so I ran out and found the guinea pig who was waddling towards the street and instead of being pure white like she was to begin with she had a brown head and a black neck. The rest of her coat was still white. I sneaked her back in through the backdoor and all was well. The thing I hate most about food shopping are supermarkets that have those schemes where they scan some tag which latches onto the keychain that gets scanned and you get discounts or gain points towards free food at the cost of your personal information. It's like "papers please" in some Nazi spy movie. Just scan my fucking food and I'll pay. If I had the damned card, I'd would've handed it to you in the first place. I'm looking through my diary and I just came across the bit which I was going to talk about but didn't and probably won't for a long time. Netscape sucks. Have I expressed that enough? Yes, I'm a dolt for continuing to use Netscape instead of IE but I'm lazy. Why do I hate it? Because of its spotty CSS support, the fact that 6.0 and Mozilla are crashy 29 meg pieces of shit, the god damned <EMBED> tags, the fact that Netscape can't position things on the page with something as simple and basic like <CENTER>. If I'm going to download something over fifteen megs, it better be fucking worthwhile. Netscape isn't. What bothers me is this Web Standards Project which suggests that people use the most recent version of a browser instead of using an old version because some lazy web designer gets weepy when his page doesn't look as pretty on all browsers because of the differences. If you wanna check that site turn off Javascript if you haven't already. It's a nice sentiment that's being expressed but to alienate people from web pages because they don't have the god damned patience to download a new browser is stupid. Most people are still connecting with a modem, not cable or DSL, and getting a new browser is a waste of time especially if it's something that'll crash like Netscape. People should worry about content and having something to say rather than making it shiny pretty happy. After you get the content, then worry about making it pretty. This Web Standards Project is akin to saying that someone can't peruse the books in a library because they lack a Ph.D. in Literature. I got cash. Lots of cash. Taxes are being taken care of. I have designs on the cash too. Gonna buy a domain and web space along with taking care of something for me. I just wish that Dee still wants to come visit. Since I got the check, and a wee bit before, I feel like I've been such a thorn in the side constantly asking. Finally here's another word that I use, but haven't used much in the last few months. groid: short for negroid, an racial epithet used towards negroes. Hopefully there will be bagels in the morning. Right now I'm SOOOOOO hungry. |
Despite my procrastination, Project C is going swimmingly. vid2swf is just fucking genius especially for it's price ($15). Project C is a site for an upcoming TV show that's about sports history and fairly straightforward IMO. I decided to abandon the idea of making a site entirely in flash (well, mostly the main pages. the rest would be regular html) and wrote it up in HTML. Right now I'm coding up things while jotting down notes about my day. I'm accompanied by Rocco, cold soup that I'm going to throw out, the song Cara Mia playing in the background and inane TV chatter to my right. I reckon that I'm done and will face Monday with no worries. The site needs to be threaded together better than I have it right now but that won't take too much time. Devotchka helped me out with graphics for Project C, they're really good and sight unseen fit into the idea I had for Project C's site in the first place. Whee! I think bossman's zip is dead. This is the second time I came into the city to show stuff off that I was carrying on a zip disk and it got fucked up. I'm soo pissed because I really wanted to show off. Oh well, I'll just have to FedEx it to the office tomorrow. Don't know why the fucking trains screw with my disks. Glad that I don't drag my laptop along with me when I do go into NYC. Had two bagels with scrambled egg and taylor ham for breakfast in the morning so I could keep my blood sugar up and remain awake for the rest of the day. On the down side, I had the shits an hour later and for the rest of the day. While I was taking care of business in the Hoboken station I wrote stuff in the stall. Some doofus, I'm certain he's white because no self respecting black person would use the A in a circle anarchy symbol, went off on how sports are a conspiracy to distract the working class and to keep them uneducated. I wrote back that sports are a conspiracy to enflame and incense the minds of bored, unemployed suburban youth who went to a community college on mommy's money where they heard someone quote Marx out of context or had to read an article about Marx for a class so they now consider themselves "deep" sociopolitically. Doubt if I'll ever see a follow-up because I'd only use the can in the Hoboken terminal when I have to use their facilities. I did draw a little camera on the right side of the stall with "Smile! You're on Candid Camera" underneath it. I've been awake for approximately thirty six hours. Pulled The Wheel of Fortune. Means go with the flow lest bad things happen. Just gaming today. The zip disk arrived safely in NYC. Whee. Pulled The Hanged Man, means life in suspension. Still waiting to hear reaction on the site I created. I'm very proud of what I hath wrought in HTML. It's not likely to hear back until sometime next week because the boss is on vacation in Florida as of Thursday to celebrate his son's birthday with his family. I bought a domain and the hosting today for $150 bucks, got the domain for two years and a year's worth of hosting from Verve Hosting. I have fifty megs of space with access to PHP, CGI, ten email addresses and five subdomains. Right now my page only has a placeholder page and a 404 page which isn't working for some reason but come April 1st this page will be moved over there. On Tuesday night I was thinking, "If I didn't have jury duty, I would've bought a domain". When I got to jury duty, loaded for bear to get through that day's eight hours of tedium, I was kinda excited too. They scanned my juror badge into the computer then told me I was excused. Woo! Seems that I had asked to be excused from jury duty earlier in February and I had forgotten about the letter. So I got my domain. Happy day. Later on I went out with my friends Chuck and Bill from high school. Lost track of them after Chuck went off to college and as far as I knew Bill fell off the face of the earth. When I saw Chuck at the restaurant I was really surprised because Chuck had aged. He's a year or two younger than me and he looked like he went through the wringer, receding hairline aside. Jeez, where did the time go? How could five or six years be so much? Once I got over it and relaxed, we sat around talking about old times when we'd throw fireworks at the highway and run away at the first sign of the police, playing manhunt and all that sorta shit. Chuck's working for an accounting firm in NYC, does stuff in XML and he's going to be moving a town away from me come April. Bill's living a town away from his hometown doing graphics in Photoshop and playing in a band part-time. Cool. Thing is that it was hard to talk because the fucking jukebox was blaring the entire time. Chuck's going to come along to gaming on Tuesday night to meet with Diane and she'll decide if he can be in the game or not. When I talked with Brian he said he wasn't against Chuck being there just as long as Chuck wasn't an asshole so I reckon that's a good thing. Pulled the Fool today, mind you it was really late at night. Not much is going on today, I'm working on a project of my own to make a logo or something for Jerkcity. Gonna do it in Flash. Went out food shopping earlier this evening,
... and spent twenty minutes getting my car started because the fucking starter is dying and I can't milk this any longer than I already have milked it. I was moping through Pathmark in a daze, stopping every so often and staring into space (though at the food so I came across as being choosy rather than stoned) wondering why I should bother if life is just one crushing defeat after another and general gloom. After fussing with the car, I felt better in a way. I don't think I posted this here before but lately I've been having these strange feelings of complete clarity. Pulled The Sun today. Represents the rational part of my mind and it doesn't make any sense to me. Gonna stop the pulling a card a day thing. All evening I felt like it was Saturday night rather than Friday night. Even after watching Farscape, I still felt like it was Saturday night and Sunday was just hours away. One thing that I know is that The Outer Limits is a terrible show. Last week's episode with the robot becoming a father figure was decent but tonight's episode exemplified how predictable and by the numbers the writing is on The Outer Limits. Guy comes from a plague ridden future to destroy patient zero. At the end of the show he realizes that he is patient zero. I guess the only concession to originality was the fact that he got in contact with three different sick people and when he got all three of their different illnesses in him they became the plague. The character was stupid because he knew if the people got together there would be a plague but somehow he couldn't make a leap of logic to realize he could end up being patient zero. I can't say worst episode ever because most of them are like that. Plus that show needs to get rid of the fucking narrator repeating the obvious, the "ironic" endings with "meaning", to the viewer like they're idiots who wouldn't have gotten the point in the first place even though the script was so ham handed you'd need to be Helen Keller to not get a clue. Nothing really happened today. Just procrastinating on doing my white laundry. Sigh. |