ante diem viii ides june 2003 c.e. My Thursday I worked all fucking day and felt like I got nothing done. Back at home I went online, showered, played with Spot and went upstairs to watch two episodes of the Sopranos with Jaybird and maribou. Afterwards I crossed the street and went to the 7-11 for some food. While watching the Sopranos I thought back to the week before my trip to Jersey while Tony Soprano was talking about his panic attacks and not being able to breathe. I was having a fucking panic attack about going to Jersey. The two Vicks inhalers and the Primatene tablets were simply placebos. As usual I cut across the big soccer field. All I could smell was the precious water, how it made the dirt smell good, the grass was wet but not wet enough to ruin my sneakers. I thought, "I'm not done yet." The mountains were covered in clouds and the way some of the clouds lay in the foothills made me think they were settling down for the night, nestled on a bed of pine trees, lazy wisps hanging over the sides like anyone sleeps in summer with one leg out of the covers. "It's such a beautiful place and it's so god damned lonely." I thought back to telling maribou how I went around town looking for someplace to have a drink on Monday because I was feeling so melancholy and depressed and on the verge of ending it all and I was turned away because I had a god damned backpack. What am I, twelve years old coming home from school but thinking I'll have a stiff one before I do my algebra? You know what Tony's you're a fucking dive. I decided to slum and discovered that the Utopia was closed for good since the hippies didn't believe in paying rent. Not a big loss. Later I stopped at Chipotle for some burritos, one for now and one for tomorrow's lunch, and walked down more to discover the Irish bar by the courthouse had closed down. Well son of a bitch is everything closing around here? I ended up having a beer over at the Underground before walking all the way back home. The mountains are still there and they'll always be there. Should an asteroid hit the earth I could sit out in the soccer field and watch the waters of the Pacific break against their purple mountain majesties. Halfway across the field I saw the single light atop Pikes Peak glowing through the clouds. The light struck me as being very plucky and that made me smile. I walked between the houses to cross Cache la Poudre and noticed that the folks had an evil painting on their wall. Fortean Times would have stories about Crying Boy paintings being bad luck and there was one of those paintings hanging on that person's wall. The boy looked really gaunt with dark circles under his eyes like death warmed over and in his arms was something dark that could've been a pet. Yeah, I can be superstitious in my own way. I'm not about to collect my nail clippings and hair trimmings to burn them and avoid the evil eye but I do other things. After my brief, zombie foray into 7-11 I walked back home pretty much the same way thinking how I'd really like to have some pie. No, I'm not talking about poontang pie and it really pisses me off when I hear that because pie is something so damned good and pussy is... pussy. Nothing wrong with it but pussy has a time and place. Back home everything was so dark and that pleased me since darkness is comforting. It'd be even better if I didn't have this dull whine in my left ear. A couple of days ago it was so bad that I woke up thinking I heard my alarm clock going off but I realized it couldn't be going off since Spot always jumps on me or walks over me an hour before I'm supposed to wake up for the day. Now as I write this I think about how I heard something sad at lunch. I was sitting out on the steps reading my science fiction anthology. The ex-computer guy turned processor was sitting behind me reading his book. The manager of the call center got out of her SUV and said "Look at you reading your books. I'm a single mom of two and I don't remember the last thing I read." For those playing along at home this is the brick shithouse with the tits who was married to a tizzun. Madonn', too bad she's damaged goods and already dropped out two kids. Of course if that wasn't the case I still wouldn't be able to do anything like fuck around since I'm stubborn, trying to make a point and I'm not interested in other women. Just one. Pathetic, isn't it? Here's hoping that I dream tonight.