Oh boy, there's a Dr. Strangelove reference which only serves to overstate the whole nuclear war scenario. Man Zack, you're pretty fucking clever there. No one would ever have gotten your sly and clever cinematic in-joke. Elle oh elle. If only you could've CGI'ed up George C. Scott and Peter Sellers to make your filmic bon mot really sizzle on the silver screen!
OH LAWDY IZZAT SUM BLUE WANG? Good lord, look at the fucking size of it. If that's Manhattan's wang then why the hell does his voice sound all faggy?
Rorschach is perfect. Fucking perfect. Oh god, fap fap fap fap fap...
So is Matthew Goode trying to be David Bowie in a cape?
Patrick Wilson is so drawing upon Christopher Reeve's portrayal of Clark Kent. Distracting. Very distracting.
Nite Owl and Silk Spectre II fighting in the prison? Oh yeah that just screamed the original Batman TV series with the incomparable Adam West. You know Adam West and William Shatner should've done a buddy movie.
Malin Akerman looks like Laurie. She has the fucking look down pat. Shit if the script didn't gloss over stuff her role would've been far more important than the broad who helps the ticktockman find his heart. Heavens to betsy those are some fine titties and dat ass.
Comedian? Where's the fucking gimp mask? HE'S NOT THE COMEDIAN WITHOUT THE GIMP MASK!!! Other than that, pretty darned good.
Watchmen was good until Mars. After that Snyder was forcing various scenes and making the audience make weird, uncomfortable leaps of logic about various plot twists.
You know how uncomfortable you felt when that chick was telling Tidus to laugh in Final Fantasy X? How fucking gay it was watching a god damned cut scene of some bishy-kawaii protagonist laugh for fifteen fucking minutes with a furfag blue tiger and the grim with a heart of gold swordsman along with the dumb girl? How if your friends happened to come into the room where you were playing the game they'd look at the screen, look at you, look at the screen and say absolutely nothing but it conveys so much making your testicles inch back inside you for some protection? Like walking in on your grandfather blowing the gardener then he fucking smiles at you as if absolutely nothing is wrong?
Same thing here when suddenly it's a huge revelation that the Comedian is Laurie's father. Uh, who gives a fuck? because it's being played as huge but even I couldn't help but wonder where the hell this came from pretending I had never read the comics.
Oh, excuse me.
Funnybooks.
Watchmen is two point five stars out of a possible five stars. Maybe three if I'm feeling generous. Watch it when it comes out on DVD and even then fucking rent the director's cut in the vain hope there's more exposition. Understand that I'm a neckbearded basement dweller who makes unreasonable demands that films remain faithful to the original material rather than simply being based on a few ideas deemed interesting by a Hollywood committee which hired fucking Snake from Metal Gear to write a treatment. Keep in mind that I'm a generally unhappy, overly critical human being.
Anyway, gentle reader, that's my initial impression of Watchmen.
