So I forgot to update on Friday. You get what you pay for, gentle reader.
If you really must know I had an awful time trying to sleep on Wednesday night which made me into a zombie all day on Thursday. Just like a zombie my eyes were covered in cataracts which colored my vision. Most times I imagined everyone around me hating me and growing to despise me simply because I existed and remained in their presence.
No one was to be trusted for any reason at all. Such a belief is one of the most pitiful states of mankind regardless of its veracity or whatever is the opposite of truth.
Why wasn't I able to sleep? I felt fat. Really fat. Solidly fat. Every vacant space in my body was being transformed into fat, my heart was transubstantiating into fat, my blood was grease and my mind was simply tough gristle that laughed to itself within its cell rapping against the pipe of its spine in morse code hoping someone would listen and vainly hoping that listener would actually care what was being transmitted to the outside world by someone who has made a point not to interact with humanity leaving the disgusted question of "Why now?"
So I kept rolling over trying to find a comfortable position. What kept me awake was the conscious act of breathing. Eventually I was able to catch a few spare winks but I kept getting up, going to the bathroom, pacing and then returning to bed only to repeat the process.
Come 5 p.m. the dim gray light of morning was filtering through the cool night sky. Eventually I was able to sleep in ten to fifteen minute spurts which gratefully felt like hours. These catnaps were shorter and happened more frequently as the hour of responsiblity drew upon me.
All day at work I felt like my sane self said fuck it and threw the keys to the abandoned asylum to its lone occupant to run the show. Thousand yard stare into the computer screen. Monosyllabic responses to co-workers. My chin was threatened with fusing to my collarbone from my posture. I made it through the day.
The remainder of my evening was spent reading Superman: Last Son of Earth. Lee called me, expressed her concern regarding my sleeplessness and lack of energy. Gotta do something on Saturday and make sure it gets done.
Friday was a better day because Thursday night was kinder to me. One could argue I was kinder to myself. One thing I noticed at work was that everyone appeared to be welcoming me back. I just shake my head and wonder what the hell is going on with me.
All of a sudden I realized it was comfortable. Faint, unseen crickets were all around me and they were the only noise which broke the night. I breathed in some of the clean night air. The light was perfect and the darkness was perfect. Everything for ten yards around me was right in the world and should not change anytime soon. My entire life was spent waiting in patience for this moment.
I couldn't bring myself to reminisce about the past nor ponder the future with anxious speed. My mind was at ease and I was pleased with creation. I knew my time was up when I heard my brain say, "You know, you're not going to have a moment like this ever again in your life. Especially if you return to the east coast."
My chin met my collarbone again as I went back inside to fetch my wallet and buy dinner that I didn't enjoy at all. At least the girl at the drive through was overjoyed that I knew what I wanted to order (number 10 large size with coke no sauce and two plain hamburgers) rewarding me with a smile.
When I got home I discovered someone left a voicemail, most likely Lee, but I didn't listen to it since I wanted to avoid the rest of the world until I felt strong enough to face it on my terms rather than being at the mercy of society and assuming my long accepted role of pariah without a voice.
