On Sunday I had a wonderful mid-afternoon nap. I haven't had a mid-afternoon nap on Sunday in forever. Most times these naps involve the company of raddidge but that's understandable considering the circumstances.
Around 5 p.m. MDT I finally rode 300 miles since 7/18/08. I can not be bothered going back to older entries and calculating and estimating distances moreso if the entry doesn't have a 
on it. I'm proud of hte fact that a mere mile and a half didn't leave me panting or gasping upon my return. Moreso when I came back indoors I didn't need to turn the fan on myself to cool down even though I turned it on out of habit. Sunday afternoon was a gray one. The skies were clear and bright to the east over Kansas while Pikes Peak carved a wake through the ceiling which swiftly healed as a reminder that rain was expected. While riding up Corona I could hear soft thunder.
Still it was a joy to feel the familiar aches in my legs from the effort, looking ahead rather than concentrating on the cyclometer upon my handlebars in order to gauge my speed and urge myself to be faster when the whole purpose of riding to work is not my cycling time, that's merely a footnote and cause for modest celebration, but saving gas and hopefully bettering my physical health.
Once again, cycling helps my mental health as well.
What I realized is that I have a lot of shit to work out in my life. This time around it doesn't appear to be as dramatic as previous years. One of the reasons why I took my brief ride was reading an interview with an online cartoonist. This stirred up a lot of thoughts in my head and if I had remained in my unlit apartment staring at the computer screen then I would've surely spiralled inward with recriminations and abusing myself for missing opportunities and always being afraid in life.
Still it's very easy to tell myself that I don't need permission to do things. My life is my own and those people who deign to ascribe arbitrary rules for the sake of order should be insignificant and laughable whether they're in my face or held at arm's length. I still find it hard to live that philosophy rather than ultimately think "it looks good on paper but doesn't work in the real world".
But it works for other people because they have the brass balls to stay true to themselves rather than bow and scrape in order to keep the peace rather than stand up for their ideals. Man, writing that really bugs me. I'm measuring myself against other people which pushes me in directions that I don't want to pursue because I'll ultimately make myself fail in those endeavors. Is it because I'm lazy, is it because I'm not interested, is it because I'm afraid? This still doesn't satisfy that third voice in my head which sometimes insists and other times suggests that I was meant for something greater in my life.
I don't know. This kind of navel gazing is pointless and completely detracts from the narrative.
YOU MEAN THERE WAS A NARRATIVE?
What's your opinion? We'd like to know. Heck there's a 99.99999999% chance it'll be reprinted here at heptapod.org. Immortality is yours until I grow weary of maintaining the domain and website.
