Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons died on Tuesday morning. The news did touch me a bit. I'm glad I didn't find out until I came home from work.
My therapist ended up not performing EMDR today. Instead I went on about how I know that I need my sleep in order to reset my brain. Come nine or ten o'clock in the evening and left to my own devices I start getting caught up in memories of old affairs, events and friends from ages ago. One thing I need to reconcile in my life is that 2001 and 2002 are really fucking far in the past. Once I feel that treadmill picking up momentum I drop everything, declare bedtime and hit the sack.
Next morning I'm right as rain. Funny thing is that my therapist never heard of that euphemism. Anyway Something about the mechanic of sleep, the chemistry while dreaming or something else makes me into a normal person again before I begin the slow decline into anxiety, paranoia and depression.
The past week and a half I haven't slept in my own god damned bedroom because Olympics Guy has been blaring the noise of soccer riots at all hours of the night. So I sleep on the lovesac in the living room where I don't hear it as much. I pour hydrogen peroxide in my ear to block sound to the ear not pressed against the pillow.
I'm unable to relax, I'm unable to really get decent sleep and it makes me feel like I'm teetering on the edge. For example I came home, saw someone posted the word "whatever" in a comment to something I wrote and I spent five minutes normalizing myself. I hate "whatever" because it's such a fucking blow-off and in my experience always implies that people could not give a shit either way or they'd rather say "no" but couch it in ambiguity.
It's completely not like that, inflection is lost with just text, I'm the one with a problem and weights words that other people take for granted.
Plus I'm concerned because I cursed someone under my breath when I drove downtown to buy some stuff. I haven't had anything close to road rage for two months. Bad enough that all day Tuesday I kept having flashes of images involving dead animals.
I hope this shit does pass and it's just a bump in the road.
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
— John Barrymore
I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
— Thomas Jeffeson
To be succinct, raddidge was giving me a titjob.
Thank you and good night.
