So I was left wondering why the fuck I was covering all sixty issues of Preacher when my dreaming could be done in a more productive fashion. Considering the mental activity required of me to read I might as well be awake. This was the first time I was aware I was asleep and not resting my body or mind. So I forced myself to turn away and found a giant television behind me. When the light from the screen hit the wall all the comic pages vanished from sight. A few more clicks and I discovered that channel one was showing pornography.

Free pornography. On public television no less. None of the signal scrambling which at best turns the performers into silent blue Hindu deities with their mouths full of light as they ape the idea of passion. The set was pretty spartan, institutional green walls and the two girls were wearing regular undergarments rather than fancy Victoria's of Hollywood overpriced slutware.

I could hear raddidge coming in and I clicked off the television. "You ready?"
"For what?"
"You're going to see your friend and I'm going along too!"
That's when I remembered that I had been invited to Garth Ennis's home in Montana. He told me that he lived out there because there was plenty of cheap land and it allowed him to project the illusion of opulence when spending a pittance. My invite had been arranged by Jaybird and I never knew why.

Minutes later we were pulling into a mile-long driveway cutting through northern prairie. Mr. Ennis was standing in the doorway holding a small animal in his hands. We learned that he had adopted a turtle who had been born without a shell. A snapping turtle and quite a tame specimen. After cautioning us about his beloved pet, the would-be chelonian was released on the ground to wander around while we went inside.

Mr. Ennis explained that he knew a dentist who would take care of my teeth. People had become of the opinion that my canines were becoming quite prominent and menacing despite the fact that I never smile and always keep my mouth firmly shut when I'm not required to speak. There was a procedure that this doctor had pioneered which would reduce the curve of my teeth without weakening them and making my appearance decidedly less fearsome to passers by. The sun was low in the west as we left the estate in his giant black SUV. Silhouettes were standing in the tall yellow grass which was stirred by their pet turtles.

This was when I was reminded that I was still asleep because all of a sudden I could feel Spot's fur against my cheek and the slightest whisper of her breathing. I didn't fully awaken but in the dream I felt Garth's turtle beaking on my right hand. Baby mammals teethe, most turtles have beaks therefore a turtle will beak rather than teeth. When I felt the pressure I knew that Spot was being vicious and biting me in my sleep.

To my horror the dentist was far more sinister than I had assumed from the third party description. He was the embodiment of every evil stereotype perpetuated by Lovecraft and other pulp authors who peddled the foreign and alien as antithetical to wholesome western civilization. Thick hair, wild eyes which stood in stark contrast with his dark skin along with thick lips and a swarthy complexion. The treatment he had planned for me was simple, he was going to pull all four of my canines and leave me with the unsightly gaps in my smile. I was more concerned about the procedure being too expensive and whittling away at the remainder of my dental insurance rather than actually losing four more teeth.

The world changed into a videogame. I became a spinning, five-pointed star that wheeled down a two dimensional street, slaying electronic bystanders with my points only to receive a powerup which allowed me to enter a coffeeshop and garner some serious points from taking care of emo hipsters.