The spam gets annoying but is it annoying because I receive the spam or that our computer department hasn't implemented any sort of solution to filter out spam other than the tried and true method of downloading, selecting and deleting every piece of email?

Annoyance gets projected not on the receipt of spam but into condeming the sex drugs, fancy knockoffs, fly-by-night loans and mortgages (OH THE IRONY) and eventually devolves into condemnation of people who would even consider purchasing these items, even from non-spammers. Finally I twist it around to be a personal affront, an insult to my meager intelligence because I never bought this crappy shit in the first place and I'll never buy their half-baked crap ever and they should fucking know this by now.

I roll something relatively tiny into something which will increase my heart rate and get me going into unhealthy thinking and crazy talk.

And all the while the solution is simple, a spam filter. Reasonably I should understand they'll never use one because the technophobes will cry "Legitimate email from our customers will be flagged and deleted!" and the other half will cry "It costs money!"

So I should be able to suck it up, every day I delete scores of pills, loans and replicas and it really costs me nothing because I'm done after a minute. Two minutes if it's a Monday.

Why do I blow shit out of proportion?

I dunno.

If you really, really must know about my therapy session I brought up an old memory regarding a horrible baby sitter, how the recent tiger dream had evoked the memory followed by a shameful urge to commit egregious violence twenty seven years after the fact under the guise of revenge is a dish best served cold.

Of course I've reasoned, before and after therapy, that this is infeasible and with some patience and introspection I can come to terms, take control and finally move on with my life rather than holding onto a particular memory that's was forgotten, stuffed between the pages of one of the dusty books of memory up in the asylum of my head.

Did I mention that I also made a vow to raddidge to endeavor to be a peaceful person who doesn't do such things? She gets worried then angry at me when I get into one of those moods.

On the gripping hand I related something I wrote during lunch on Monday. How I really don't understand the concept of love. Most times I spread it so thin that it's diluted yet it becomes unwieldy creating unnecessarily complicated and creepy situations where people get so fed up and simply respond with "What do you want from me?" and "I'm not that great" in addition to "You have it all wrong."

Case in point, my anxiety over being billed by the hospital. As you may or may not know, gentle reader, I went for a physical back in May which involved getting a vaccination. Turns out that my insurance doesn't cover vaccinations so I received a bill for $66 in July which was quickly paid in full. September rolls around with a $33 bill that says I still have to pay for the use of energy to depress the plunger on the syringe which delivered the vaccine into my body.

After my visit to the emergency room in October I was stressing out and having anxiety attacks over the fact that I was afraid a year down the line I'd receive a bill that says "You owe $1000" or some other huge, ungodly sum for someone who's a working stiff without a degree from an accredited college and really only deserves positions in unskilled labor. The worst happened over at Cassius's place, I said how this was an admission that my life isn't worth shit and I'm always going to be broke.

n.b. the use of the term "broke" is subjective since I have high and unreasonable expectations set for myself.

Jaybird talked sense to me saying I was looking for validation and love from the wrong places and entities. I should be going to my friends or my family rather than looking to a faceless institution or mindless corporation with the sole purpose of generating revenue. I owe Jaybird that and I thank him. That summed up most of my life and the poor choices I have made in my life when it comes to love, friends and other associated nonsense.

Late December I receive a bill from Memorial Hospital which was in the amount of... $1000. Apparently I make too much and if I wanted to make payment arrangements it'd be eighteen points on top of the principle and considering my job experience I want to avoid paying interest so I just paid the fucker all in one blow. Holiday checks covered half of that monster which is a good thing and a bad thing since the money from those people was given to allow me to enjoy the nicer things rather than spending it on mundane necessities.

Anyway I'm grateful for this. I just wish that I understood where I could find out how to understand love and stuff.