I have been limiting myself for quite some time. Last Tuesday at therapy I was talking off the top of my head about how going back to school would be a good thing. A larger social circle, getting on the right track to make more money and stuff. Plus I won't be as insecure around other people because I'm an idiot colledge dropout.
It's hard maintaining that kind of enthusiasm because the opposite of being complacent and content with the idea of doing something rather than actually doing something is excitement enough for me.
Right now I have my own ideas about what I want to do with my life. I just need to follow through, not believe that I need encouragement or permission from friends or family to pursue my dreams. Seriously I got all fucked up when I showed the outline to a story I was really excited about writing to a friend and was told that it made no sense. I was crestfallen and disappointed in myself rather than being rational thinking it's just one opinion and it really didn't go any further than "It's nonsensical and makes no sense".
Hell that's the same thing I got frustrated with about Brian back in New Jersey. Why the hell should I perpetuate it in Colorado?
I had to board a train that would take me to the waiting area of the terminal. The path it took was through various girders atop glowing railroad tracks. Far below me there were courtyards full of water and something big moving through the water. I had the impression the water was only knee-deep but something big was able to hide under the surface. When the tram got too close to the edge the water erupted, a giant gray tyrannosaurus head snapped short of the building before splashing back in the water. Now the beast was wading through the water.
Upon six scuttling legs that ended in points like a spider the creature splashed around below me. The familiar dinosaur head was atop a long neck which looked like it was designed to be drawn back and snapped forward to capture dinner. As the journey continued, the beast followed along angrily staring up at the meal which was just out of its reach. When the car stopped I got out and pawned one of the bracelets.
The delay kept stressing me out because I really had to go to South America. The reason eluded me but the anxiety was intense for me. Now I had six thousand dollars in my pocket and I could easily pawn the other one off to have more cash but instead I gave it to my mother apologizing for not getting her cards or gifts on her birthday for the last twenty years. The sun was rising, my flight left without me and I went home.
Deidre was there. She ignored me then came over to me asking, "What did you expect me to do? Jump on you?" then she pinched the head of my dick really hard. I went into the garage looking through the toolchests and shelves for no reason then I came out to put a towel on the couch. She came down and we had lots of sex. Shu'up, I know it reads really childish.
One recurring theme in the dream was the fact I was wearing white sneakers which had a huge hole on the right shoe letting my big toe wiggle out.
