February 2008

Grunt acquired a wand of digging, identified milky potions as being potions of healing and renamed an elven broadsword to Orcrist. Unfortunately Grunt found a rust trap which rusted his orcish ring mail reducing his armor class much to his chagrin.

I'm surprised I didn't notice earlier that Grunt had 18 in all his physical stats. Pretty damned good. Mental and social stats are just dump stats anyway.

what's going on?

I have contacted my family because my father was sending me emails at my gmail account. Usually he just emails my website account. Anyway It was just one message, I marked it read and archived it without actually reading it. Later on Sunday I received another email which provoked a screaming fit, pacing and trying to take control of my life.

Yes one of the things I did wrong was to ask my sister to pass on "LEAVE SPIVAK THE FUCK ALONE, HE'LL TALK WHEN HE'S GOD DAMNED GOOD AND READY" since she's far more diplomatic and whatnot.

Whether you know it or not or give a shit I've been putting on a very strong face here at heptapod.org in addition to my brief interactions with my friends. Since October I do remain fragile and need time to myself.

Once I regained my composure, I'm proud of myself that I didn't pop a few prescription medications nor did I resort to alcohol, I sent an email repeating the same thing over and over again.

Leave me be. No news is good news. I'm going to come around on my own and until then leave me be. I don't want anyone reaching out to me because one of my issues stems from being desperately dependent due to a toxic relationship with my parents which was perpetuated for three decades.

Right now I just want to start screaming again. I want to shout I DIDNT FUCKING ASK YOU TO PAY FOR MY CAR I DIDNT FUCKING ASK YOU TO PAY FOR MY RENT I DIDNT FUCKING ASK YOU TO HELP ME PAY FOR MY EMERGENCY ROOM VISIT I REFRAINED UNTIL THE LAST MOMENT FROM GIVING OUT MY COCKSUCKING AMAZON WISH LIST BECAUSE TO BE HONEST I REALLY DIDNT WANT ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS EXCEPT FOR RADDIDGE'S LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP A HEALED RELATIONSHIP WITH FRIENDS JAYBIRD AND MARIBOU AND RECONCILING WITH ELMGROWS AND HOPEFULLY BE HIS FRIEND AGAIN GOD DAMN IT and figuring out what's with Cassius. I mean does he hold it against me that I'm not training anymore? I dunno.

I want to have my peace of mind. My ataraxia. I want Colorado to be my safe place once again because it sure as fuck beats a dark room in New Jersey.

Thank you and good night.

oneiromancy

Walmart had purchased Disney. Everything that remained of Disney which was cool and fun was finally demolished with the rest by Walmart to create cheaper entertainment to the masses. The area which used to be Walt Disney World wasn't full of rubble but was a vast ocean of grass which stretched from twilit horizon to horizon. Up ahead I saw there was a silhouette of a building and began my journey.

As the sky grew darker the grass turned a deeper shade of blue. Someone came up behind me and matched my footsteps 'til she walked beside me. A tall girl with dark purple hair the color of the evening slouched beside me.

Completely besides the point I have the strangest feeling of déjà vu as I write this.

My companion reminded me of an idealized Makonan. Yellow light spilled on the grass from the hotel's porch. The hitherto unseen destination was a large, white Victorian mansion. Wandering on the porch were shadows and they remained shadows upon closer examination. We went inside and sat down in an alcove of the lobby off to the right of the grand entranceway. The lobby was dark, lit only by gaslight. Dark stained walnut covered the walls and wainscoting. She crossed her bare feet under her as she sat in her gray chair. I chose a deep green chair across from her. A guitar was produced and after idly strumming it for a few minutes she started singing the "Any woman can be a lesbian" song.

Slumping with disappointment I stare at the empty reception desk while she sings the needlessly hilarious song. When she finished her performance I asked if it's hard to play the guitar. Her answer is in the negative and passes the guitar over to me. I attempt to pick and strum to no avail and eventually sing Johnny Cash's "I Still Miss Someone" in a very quiet voice.