Tax Day
Over the past weekend I've become a very angry person and it scares me.

Especially since I've been really non-chalant and keeping it down even though it has free-reign in my head.

I have an idea about the genesis of my anger and it's really small, really stupid but man oh man did it ever get under my skin.

On Fridays I will take out everyone's garbage in the office. It's another reason to be away from my desk and spend some time outside. I've been back at my desk for an hour since lunchtime and my second break as at 2:50 p.m.. Once I get back from break I'll take about ten minutes getting everyone's trash bags then spend another ten minutes outside putting them one-by-one into the dumpster. It's fairly mindless and no skin off my back.

Anyway I went to get the trash from the new girl in the office. Our colle^H^H^H^H^H recovery department has been amazingly slow because everything gets outsourced to legbreakers and the company does not have time to dance around with deadbeats over three hundred bucks. She was transferred into our department rather than firing her. I went up to her and asked "Any garbage?"

She turned around and pretended to be affronted asking if I called her "garbage". Took me a few minutes after the fact to audit everything and realize that it was just a really bad attempt at a joke. Either way I withdrew, found my center and whiled away the remaining half hour by doing more mindless work.

While driving home that day I was ranting in the car. On the bright side I wasn't gesturing or using the horn. Halfway home I calmed down, descended into my sanctuary and began my weekend. My brain started off with "Don't joke with me if you don't know me" until I dismissed the event because it really was minimal, didn't go anywhere but it still got under my fucking skin.

Saturday was spent telling myself that it's nice that I no longer have any friends and that my former friends are happier without my presence and in fact not being around them is the best thing I could do for them as a friend. Thoughts like these were fucking relentless and every time I turned the tables or gave a different perspective the victory was pyrrhic by nature. Sunday was somewhat better but I was haunted with thoughts of dying alone, being a useless human being, not having a questioning nature and simply saying I'm going to do something but never following through on my intent. Also my grammar is sub-par proven by the prior statement.

Monday was just troubling because shit was popping up in my head. Violent thoughts followed by running through scenarios that are completely outrageous.

Here's an example. My therapist tells me, in the scenario not real life, that I should seek some manner of outlet for these feelings. So I take up Krav but someplace different than the place frequented by my acquaintance Cassius. People are sparring and told to use half-strength. I get saddled with some martial artist whose half strength is full strength for me and I end up with my ribs being broken completely unapologetically. Before I'm put in an ambulance I swear violent revenge and ensure my sparring partner will watch suffering before suffering himself.

Right fucking then and right fucking there I had to pull the car over and tell myself "WHAT THE FUCK"

The crazy guy who is kept locked up in my head, you know the one who shouts far away in the basement of the abandoned insane asylum, had a look of smug satisfaction. He won in two ways because he fucking affected me. As a parting shot he got me because I was reminded instead of having twenty therapy sessions covered by insurance I only have fifteen sessions since the insurance change in February. As far as I know, I'm halfway through those fifteen sessions.

I lost control of my life. I'm blaming it on everyone but myself. I'm going to fucking get a handle on things god fucking damn it.