10/24/07
So I am going to therapy again. I have lots of anger most of it fuelled by anxiety. The schedule appears to be weekly with breaks on Thanksgiving and Christmas week. After I use up my sessions for the calendar year I will be going once or twice a month since my health insurance provider will only cover twenty sessions.

I need to remember that my parents aren't here in Colorado. I thank my lucky stars that is the case and remains the case. My life is my own to live or fuck up. It is fruitless to continue trying to prove myself to a woman who never really loved me or become a person that isn't me because I am not my father and I never will be which is an accomplishment in and of itself.

Everything back in New Jersey is dead and gone.

At the moment I am frightened and a bit disappointed in myself. I find myself wanting to engage in magic again. You know wands, cups, knives and coins. For more than a decade I've been of the belief that magic is simply an extension of theism. The most outrageous thing I've attached myself to is dreaming and the importance of dreams.

The allure of invoking this correspondence with that symbol to evoke this event or emotion is narcotic. Belief and faith is the easy way out like people who believe they have to take various drugs to maintain a semblance of sanity rather than tackling the foundations and fixing the problem, as if a coat of paint will hide the crumbling edifice of their ancestral home.

So I have the Wikipedia page for chaos magic and Peter J. Carroll open behind the window for EditPlus. I don't know if I am truly interested in magic. Perhaps it's nostalgia for my first innocent year online where NASA and a.m.c. were far more interesting than chasing anonymous and questionable tail.

I guess I'll sleep on it.

I'd like to blame raddidge for rekindling this interest by asking me questions about astrology and Samhain. All that stuff I left mouldering and gathering dust had been stored in mylar bags with acid-free backboards leaving the material just as easy to recall without any fading over the years.

I can only blame myself.