5/3/07
The nice thing about heptapod.org is that everyone comes here on a voluntary basis. Unless Google decided that my site is the top pic for futanari guro. Go on, look it up.

Today I had an awful revelation.

I am not a happy person and I will never be a happy person. The majority of the human race has the capacity to muddle through various foibles or simply shrug them off like so much dandruff.

I am never going to be happy because everything I see is flawed. So who am I to say what is flawed and what is acceptable? My impact on the rest of the world is miniscule in comparison to the rest of the human race.

I am never going to be happy because I am perpetually guilty. I mention this with reservations because I'm sure someone will just say that I'm demonizing another human being and should just move on with my life. Can any of you understand what it's like to feel every time someone mentions your name that it's simply a preamble to accusations and punishment? Even if I attempt to defend myself and speak up for myself just one single god damned time there will be the retort of "I don't fucking care. Now it's your responsibility."

Of course writing about such shit will only serve to garner derision from other people. Writing something like this only serves to perpetuate unhappiness and simply create a self-fulfilling prophecy so I can feel some control over my life.

This life was never mine, never was and was never intended to be my life. Living is about being happy.

I am not a happy person.

A game that I've been working on for years. I feel obliged to run it and see it through.

I am obliged to Spot and her continued health and happiness.

Beyond that I am essentially unnecessary to the greater good.