7/15/07
Saturday I had a very special dinner guest. Afterwards we went to Borders where the books Crime and Punishment, For Whom the Bell Tolls and The Count of Monte Cristo was purchased for reading material. The evening was rounded with talking out on the back porch, giving the low-down on why I left New Jersey and why I never finished college.

Upon graduating from high school my mother decided that I should go to college. Now this wasn't a bad thing because I knew that I wanted to go to college but really didn't know about a particular major. So I decided something in Fine Arts would be applicable to me since at the time I had aspirations of being a cartoonist. Word to the wise, anyone who wants to become a cartoonist can become a cartoonist by drawing and writing every single day.

My mother wanted me to carry a full load (18 hours) each semester and to graduate in a year and a half with my associates degree. When she realized this wasn't going to happen due to my resentment towards my mother, not being ready for college and feeling aimless she cut me off and then declared I was going to attend Kean College.

lol wut?

In retrospect she wanted me to get an AA and a BA or BFA at the same time. At this point I realized that I really wasn't that interested in art. Some courses like 3D Design with Nicolescu and a painting class were completely skipped by me. Why? At first I figured I'd tough it out and see what would come of the experience. Next I discovered how godawful expensive oil and acrylic painting can be in addition to having a dislike for three dimensional art. When I think about painting I think about the texture of the paint upon the canvas. The subject and the depiction of light in the work is secondary. A painting should be gloppy like a Van Gogh. Plus I've always considered the brush to be inferior to the pencil or pen.

Now I'm really off track. Apologies.

The nice thing about Kean is the fact that I participated at the school newspaper, discovered a trade which paid the bills for about two years after college and realized I wanted to write rather than draw. My mother was displeased with my average grades and said college was over.

tl;dr, my mother rushed me through college so she could (in my humble opinion) live and graduate vicariously through me.

This situation only served to deepen my resentment towards her. I let her bully me around, as usual, and spun my wheels. If I was given the chance to attend school at my own pace in addition to working a crappy part-time job I am pretty sure my grades would not have suffered and I would've graduated with a piece of paper that says "It's OK to Hire Me." I would not have been at the top of the class but I would've achieved this milestone.

For years I blamed myself for failing at college. This became a sore point when dealing with friends who would claim intellectual and cultural superiority citing their degree and transcending their birth caste or when I'd resort to lying on a resume out of desperation for a job.

I have become very selfish with my time. At work I understand it's all about rushing through the applications and going home on-time at the end of the day. At home the only scheduled activity is being in bed by eleven, nine thirty on Sundays.

Given the chance to take my time I always end up doing a better job. To paraphrase Cassius, "Perfect reps not more reps." I'd like to go back to college but at this time I don't see myself having the time or the money since I'm saving up to buy a house under the assumption I'd be the sole source of income in the household.