Remember Pearl Harbor!
Everyone download some animu torrents! That'll teach those crafty Japs!

While chopping onions keep a candle nearby to prevent teary eyes. The hot air rises and takes the onion mist away which leads to a better onion-chopping experience.

On Thursday night I tested this method and it works really well. All I had was a tiny blue votive candle and my eyes weren't under assault like they would be if I didn't have the nearby lit candle.

I've read that chopping onions with two stovetop burners running will ensure happy eyes during the process.