One of the things I dislike about going into work is running the gauntlet in the morning. Usually two or three people stand in front of the back door, blocking it, while they smoke like chimneys. Jesus fuck I'm not awake yet and I don't want to be here.
Recently there's been a new smoking policy at work. Everyone has to smoke by the wall facing Denny's otherwise there won't be any smoking at all. Smoking's a filthy habit and my inner fascist wouldn't mind having it outlawed just like in the People's Republic of Boulder.
On Monday morning after completing my morning routine and heading upstairs for work I heard someone in the laundry room. Ah, he's doing laundry and other shit. Good for him and I didn't say a fucking word except to raddidge who zinged me back.
Either I was going to be late or I'd be on time. Either way it was win-win for me and I waited at the top of the stairs for the laundry room to clear out. He was taking too long so I went downstairs and petted Spot for a wee bit and made it back upstairs.
The horror.
The horror.
It's easy to see through the curtain covering the window on my front door. Fortunately the laundry room was dark but when he left and walked past the laundry room window I saw Olympics Guy wasn't wearing naught but what he'd worn upon his birth. I didn't see the goods but my fucking god I thought I was shameless going out in my underwear at 2 a.m. to dispose of trash or going out to the car wearing only my shorts.
Monday night and Tuesday morning I understood that she was part of a far more sinister conspiracy. The U.S. government started the ball rolling by forcing her into secret drug experiments with the primary goal to create an operative who would be able to entrap anyone for any crime so Uncle Sam wouldn't have any dirty hands. The source of this information was a camwhore. We were talking on the internet like a videophone JUST LIKE THEY ENVISION IT IN ~*~HOLLYWOOD~*~. No she didn't get naked nor was there any sex stuff going on, she was just giving top secret information.
One of the newest atrocities that the current administration would criminalize is gardening. Every citizen of the Republic would be forced to forego gardening and become fully dependent on frankenfood filling the coffers of Monsanto out of concern regarding bioterrorism that would modify citizens into Muslims or horrendous godless mutants. The latter would make life a whole lot easier because then the U.S. government could once again claim that their god was on their side since Islam makes such a declaration tricky at best.
Already cucumbers were being collected, seeds and sprouts were being dragged off to landfills for vast cucumber bonfires. My camwhore liaison explained that she had already filled her basement with various houseplants and seedlings like photosynthetic Anne Franks. Nancy "Aglaia" Nusbaum was going door-to-door hoping to gain the trust of residents, ingratiate her way into their lives and report greencrime to the Department of Wholesome Foods.
The dream did end on a high note. I was aboard a 19th century passenger train roaring through the dark countryside with a pocketful of seeds. The government's deep-cover operative lay dying in the caboose leaving a thin scarlet trail on the train tracks as her lifeblood leaked between the loose floorboards. Justice would be done long before Bush left office and he would be held accountable without that folksy idiot-salt-of-the-earth façade.
