I hope that the following comes out with some coherency rather than rambling on and on.
More and more I've been noticing that the wincing is having an effect rather than being disregarded by that evil side of myself. Which makes me wonder if I am growing up or if it's a sign that I should grow up.
On Wednesday night I spent an hour or so reflecting upon this situation. Reckon it stems from self-loathing and it comes from two directions. First and foremost I see my life as being my bed and being a responsible and honorable adult I must sleep in it regardless of my thoughts or actions. My self-loathing is a way of ensuring that I remain in my own private hell. There are no second chances in life. Of course I've cheated a few times to at least have the illusion of a second chance. For example leaving my original high school via the regional high school vocational class system and attending another high school and never looking back. My next big change was leaving New Jersey, leaving my friends behind, and coming to Colorado with a blank slate. Well kinda since Jaybird and maribou know me from the internet but I reckon they understand me as a person. Like when Jaybird expounds and says how he and I are "meta" and "post" and how the rest of the world doesn't get it.
My self-loathing is a way of giving myself an excuse to explain why I can not relate to other people. I enter most situations thinking and telling myself that I know the other people aren't going to understand me. If they're not going to give me a chance then why should I give them a chance? Already I'm being adversarial with an us vs. them mentality.
With the advent of the shootings on Monday the 16th, I've come to realize that I am completely fucked if I ever do anything that might capture the negative attention of mass media. Nearly everyone at work would have bad things to say about me in addition to the whole "Quiet guy. Never spoke to anyone." bullshit that has become part of the mandatory script for demonizing another human being. Everyone who is quiet, introverted and withdrawn is a potential criminal and should people be challenged with someone who is popular and outgoing suddenly shooting up a kindergarten would blow their minds. Same thing goes for dead kids, how they suddenly become popular A+ students should they take a dirt nap.
On the bright side the life I have made for myself is pretty small. Heck, all I need is a new job and hopefully start with another clean slate without having to abandon Jaybird and maribou and raddidge.
Basically having a certain website suddenly embrace this troubled person as one of their own was a bit disturbing and most likely should any of those people happen upon my site I'll be raided. At least I'm observing Rules #1 and #2.
Now I can understand it because they agree with his commentary against privileged kids. I've had such rancor but in the end I never truly felt a need to actually lash out and teach them a lesson no matter how much such people need a slap in the face. raddidge can testify that I bitch and moan but actually getting caught up in the moment and doing actions I'll regret later isn't who I am anymore.
I put myself in Cho's place and saw how I'm destroying my life and the path I could have followed but now avoid. Avoided out of common sense rather than fear regarding any repercussions or notoriety.
