One of the few things which keeps me up at night.
I'm still afraid that I love people more than they love me.
Whether I'm thinking about raddidge, the Birds or whoever.
Not that there's many more in my life.
Yet I always know where I stand with Brian. I'm certain this comes from knowing the guy for nearly twenty years.
When I came home from work today, I stood in the middle of my apartment and shouted fuck dozens of times. Fortunately I've matured in the last six years to the point that punching and breaking things is not conducive to actually finding satisfaction.
Thank goodness Olympics Guy wasn't home, eh? I doubt the new upstairs student-du-jour didn't hear dick.
Fuck you. I fucking hate you. I know the feeling is mutual. I fucking hate myself for being burdened with the debt of this car and it's numerous repairs. Honestly I want to pay off this fucking albatross and start saving serious money where I don't care about having a job.
I can't fucking wait for my trip to New Jersey. Either I'll die on the plane or have a great trip that leaves me thinking "JESUS FUCK I'M GLAD I DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!!!" that engenders a newfound appreciation of the Centennial State. Like a fucking vampire, I need that connection with the place that I came from on a regular basis. Go ahead and scoff, deriding me for my stupid habits because they don't jibe with who you are as an individual. I care too fucking much about what other people think of me. Most times I wish I could not fucking care what important people thought of me yet it's something I can't overcome leaving me like Oedipus.
Things are bad. I punched myself hard in the side of my head today. I saw stars. I haven't done this in fucking years!
Jesus fucking Christ.
Plus I feel so fucking alone because I have no one to talk to like a human being. I can't fucking open up since the back of my head is screaming "They're going to tell you that you're stupid" or just judge me as insane trash. I always think people are going to use harsh judgement on me. Whether it's raddidge or someone at the gaming store or whatever. This is a symptom of being a pessimism junkie, desperately wanting that release which comes from the revelation that things aren't so bad or weren't going to be so bad like I had anticipated for the past year.
So it's best that I tell myself I'm the only one who feels this way. It's alright that I'm alone because dealing with things by oneself is the price of being an adult. It's a cold, hard world that's going to eat me the fuck alive and there's nothing close to compassion in this world.
