10/29/05
Gentle reader,
If you missed yesterday's edition of heptapod.org then kindly check the archives.

Love,
spivak

My toilet is was still not flushing correctly. I'd push the handle down and the toilet would just fill with water. Sometimes the effluvia and paper would go down the drain but then I'd be left with a toilet full of water! After some plunging, the toilet would grudgingly give me the all-clear gurgle.

A few weeks ago, the rental agency had someone come out and snake the main line going out to the sewer because that was seriously backed up. The back of my head was saying "The fucking line's backed up again" and made me dread having to call for another plumber. raddidge had been chiding me that I use too much paper though lately I've been excruciatingly thrifty when wiping my ass. Plus I'd flush as I went to prevent a heavy load from causing an unpleasant situation.

Saturday morning was the last straw and I went outside to check the main line. Unfortunately I didn't have the tools for the job and made a trip to Home Depot before sunrise. Seventy five dollars later, I had purchased a 6 foot auger and a big wrench to fix the problem.

A search of Google was very important to this story and the eventual, successful outcome. I found Toiletology, a website obviously dedicated to the most used seat in the house. My search for "toilet not flushing all the way" gave the first result to a link about 'blue goo'. Interesting, I had one of those blue toilet breathmints in the tank. Folks were rejoicing, joyously exclaiming that removing the tablet and rinsing out the tank was the cure for their ailing commode!

I figured I knew better and wrenched open the PVC cap on the pipe leading to the main line. No backup. Now the blue goo story was nagging at the back of my head, my conscience saying I was an impetuous and foolish spendthrift who couldn't exercise patience and must always jump to conclusions. Figuring it was worth a shot, I got down to business on the toilet tank. First I propped up the flapper and drained out the tank. Next I poured water from a two liter botttle into the tank. Soon my toilet was full of dark blue water and I filled the toilet tank so I could flush it down the drain. Once the majority of the blue shit was kicked up from the bottom, I began flushing and using the shower hose to get rid of the offending matter.

My toilet now works! In fact, I just took a spivak-sized wad of toilet paper and flushed it in one go without having to plunge!
In other words:

NEVER USE THE BLUE TOILET BREATHMINTS

Cue the trickle of "I already knew that" emails.

In ninth grade I had a case of iritis that nearly blinded me and made me light sensitive. Upon my return I learned that a somewhat popular music teacher from middle school was embroiled in a scandal. A slow kid had accused Mr. Brown of tying him up and sexually molesting him. News spreads faster than diarrhea among kids.
Within two days, my friends and I used our mad detective skills to find his home telephone number and would call in the middle of the night asking if we reached the buttfucker bonanza. Some of the more tasteless ones would go to the corner store, pick up a brownie and then remark that it was going in their back pocket. The older kids were more cruel leaving doughnuts on his lawn.

My sister had a dream later in high school. She said she was walking through the corridors of our middle school late at night. Standing at the end of the hallway in front of the music room was Mr. Brown who said "I didn't do it." It troubled my sister a little.

I mention this because I was using something I shouldn't have used and learned that he had died back in 1993. Plus I never learned the outcome of the whole shitstorm since I wasn't in my hometown for most of high school and I never read the local weekly newspaper.

On another note, Mr. Stamey who was everyone's first gym teacher who then became a science teacher is also dead. What I remember most about him were the red tailed hawks that would be brought into the class. He really loved raptors and spent a lot of time in and working for The Great Swamp. Plus he was one of the teachers that busted me one morning when I was scrawling "HAPPY PENIS DAY" in one of the toilet stalls in the boy's room. Plus I think he was the one who caught my first best friend Enrico Miguelino pissing on the radiator. I was in the dark regarding his shenanigans until he was brought to justice.

Now I'm wondering what ever happened to Miss Skirtless. That's right, I can only remember the name everyone called her.

 

Also if you're really curious and interested, the big news buzzing around the office earlier this week was the fact that a film starring Bruce Willis was being filmed at the local Starbucks knock-off on Academy. Earlier this week when I got lunch and picked up Altered Carbon I saw there was some filming going on but I passed it off as being some commercial.

I phoned my sister the other night and attempted to start a conversation with her. Ends up that she already knew about this. Plus she said that Mr. Brown died of "AIDS or something". The man was born in 1936 and he got AIDS?

Sic semper cruisy.

Of course I doubt this.