My father emailed me and he's a wreck. I completely understand because he's been so close to Ben. The only thing I could reply to him about was feeling like a prick bastard. That I have no right to say that I miss Ben considering the fact that I left New Jersey and only saw Ben, Benny, Magic Bear, Big Bear, Bear, Numbnuts, Chiggutz, Butzy twice before I returned to my mountain retreat.
Dad's reading my site, drinking so he can fill up that big brown bear sized hole in his heart.
I can't help but berate myself and denigrate myself more than usual because there's nothing I could have done, I wasn't there and I still can hear my Dad saying to me, about Ben, "You're his hero!" using his baby voice. Gentle Ben, lovable Ben, shove his head under your crotch and lift you off your feet with his head using your nuts as a platform Ben.
Kinja wrote me that Jessie is there to help Ben come across and I do hope both of them meet up with Joy.
I reckon it's all cliche or it'll come across as fake but I have to stop writing because I'm crying.
He always smelled like cigars as a pup. He would have the usual poop breath but most times he'd smell like cigars. Ben grew up very quickly. My sister had his crate in her room and she'd let the young pup named Ben sleep on her bed. One morning she remarked that she could feel Ben growing as he slept next to her. During one of the worst blizzards of that year, I brought Ben to the college newspaper office but no one was there. Later on, I took him for a ghost investigation. The campus's ambulance squad house was supposedly haunted and I had just read that animals may be sensitive to paranormal phenomena. Ben sniffed around the leaves, peed and kept looking at me wondering what was going through the human's head.
He was always a quiet dog and that came with his size. If you're big there's no need to advertise it but if you're small then you're damn well going to make the biggest fucking noise possible in hopes of scaring away the bogeyman. The only times I remember hearing Ben was when he decided to back up Kate's barking at pedestrians from the bay window. A loud, roaring bark that would fill the entire living room. Every time my father came home, Ben and Kate would whine at the top of their lungs while my father dickered around in the driveway taking ten minutes to get in the house. This would irritate me to no end. Whenever he'd settle down for a nap, he'd always give this tired but contented grumble. Finally whenever Kate would be taken to the vet or taken away for some solo adventure, Ben would give off the most mournful and forlorn howl that would echo throughout the house. He could hold a note better than any opera diva. Thankfully there would be the joyous reunion, almost silent for the grunts and snuffles, where Ben and Kate would retire to the den.
I don't know if Ben and Kate were a couple but they were definitely pair bonded. It was cruel to take one of them somewhere while the other waited at home, wringing their paws. One of their games started when Ben was discovering his sexuality. Ben would hop on Kate and start thrusting but he wouldn't get anywhere. Kate's a fiesty pooch and a smart pooch. Katie figured that this humping was a dominance thing not a sexual thing and she'd come up behind Ben and start humping him. The look of confusion on his big brown face was priceless.
Ben befriended the newest member of the household, Giuseppe a bichon frise, and became Giuseppe's role model. Unfortunately Giuseppe had a hankering to give a rimjob to Ben.
Life wasn't always stealing the cat's food for him. My mom hated taking him out to relieve himself in the yard. One time Ben saw something, heaven knows what, bolted and dragged her through the bushes. Another time, early one morning, Ben discovered a nest of baby rabbits. He stuffed his big, brown muzzle into the nest and gently carried each bunny out to show my father. I can imagine Ben wagging his tail so hard that his whole body was shaking at finding what he thought were orphans. The baby bunnies scattered through the yard and were never seen again.
One time my father had come home from a Sunday morning run. Newspapers, bagels and probably doughnuts. I was up and went outside to help him out and probably bum some money off him. Ben had his head out the window to say hello and my dad wasn't paying attention. The window was being rolled up from the four master window controls and Ben could've been choked if I didn't force down against the window and shout at my father to fucking stop.
One of his shining moments took place after I ran away from New Jersey. Someone had tried to get into the house and Ben was a dog on fire. This piece of shit broke through the back door to the kitchen and was trying to get in but if it wasn't for Ben (brute force) and Kate (calling for help) and the burglar alarm then it would've been worse than a broken window.
With all conviction, I can say that everyone who has known Ben was touched by him. Whether he was forgetting he was 120lbs with a big bulldozer head and fat dinosaur tail that knocked anything onto the floor or just being there to give love when someone wasn't loved.
I love Ben and I always will love Ben. Same way that I'll love Cleo, Daisy, Sunny, Valentine, Impy, Tiger, Pinky and Cartman, Gina Popalina, Jasmine, Joy, Jessie, Quincy, Pokey and Pinky (feline not batrachian), Pudding, Brandy, Peppy and many others. This doesn't diminish his place in my heart.
As you may or may not know, I play Nethack. It's a great game. When a game starts, one's character has a pet which can be a cat, a horse (knights only) or a dog. My cats are named Spot, the horses have the highly creative and original name of Ed and the dogs are named Ben. When one's pet dies in Nethack, and the player is on the same level, there's a message of "You have a sad feeling for a moment, then it passes."
Right now I have that feeling but it's not about to pass anytime soon.
I love you, Ben. I hope to see you again soon.
