July 2002 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 7/1//02 I like my jobs to be as far away from my personal life as possible. MCI was great because of that. I'd only see MCI while driving up to Denver and even then it was out of my way. Now if I decide to head up to see ppv or go shopping I have to go past or near my place of work which I do not want to do. I don't want to think about, look at or involve myself in any fashion regarding my current form of employment on my precious days off. Sunday I bought a webcam and I used it a bit but it ended up being unbelievably boring because it was just various angles of me typing at the laptop while lying in bed. It's pretty good and I'm pleased with its performance over a dialup connection. One thing I was dreading was needing a cable modem or DSL connection in order to get any kind of quality picture or framerate. I'm just annoyed that I can't find any free programs to run on my site rather than using some camportal site so I can keep everything under one roof. Monday's going to be a busy day for me with trying to make calls during breaks or lunch. At least tonight's a night I can spend by myself with no one bothering me. Tuesday or Wednesday I'll have to pay the rent and I have one more week to send out the check for car insurance. Plus Monday's payday. 7/2/02 I've straightened up and I'm flying right now. Today started off sucky finding out that my rear back tire finally gave up the ghost and I spent about fifteen minutes changing the tire making me late for work. Work was kinda irritating but it wasn't the worst day ever, it was pretty good just two things stood out where I was asking a question and I just couldn't understand this manager's managerspeak about how they were going to do something which seemed contradictory to what I was told in what I could do in my capacity. Before that tempest in a teapot someone thought I hung up on someone when I didn't hang up on them. I explained we couldn't process the customer because she didn't have a paystub or access to a paystub and she hung up so I disconnected and went about my business. Anyway at lunch I got myself set up for getting a new tire on Tuesday, got the big-shit taken care of that I fretted about on Friday and then I bought an organizer for my bills and saving up cash for my big ideas. Here's to hoping that come next May or June I will have a decent wad of cash. I think I dislike wrestling more that I know a lot of the behind the scenes stuff and locker room politics. Right now wrestling is just the seniors tour with a few people who are hot shit because they're banging the boss's daughter. I can't lose myself in the matches knowing "Oh, he never jobs" or the little codes like the sequence of coming to the ring means if a wrestler is going to lose or win. The choreography just isn't that good now that wrestling even admits they're rigged. My webcam is boring, basically watching me type at my computer or with the cam set up to watch the screen while I do my inane web shit. Independence Eve Well, I got the tire for my car and the login script works like a charm. Plus here's the link to my cam but I'm only on it between four thirty and six at night if I do turn it on for people. Nothing else is going on other than waiting to hear back if I'll be able to volunteer at a dog rescue program in Colorado Springs. Independence Day Today is the day that I was so obstinate about back in New Jersey, the reason why I got here nine days into the month rather than on the first of the month. By cracky I was going to see the fireworks from the backyard porch watching the leaflights play against the house in the dying light of flavored gunpowder before rejoining the night. This holiday won't have any fireworks, disregarding the extravagant entrances of the WWF talent. The past couple of weeks I haven't been dreaming but I've had this feeling that I've been dreaming but it's just been uninteresting or simply the blurry scenery from a train rushing along the countryside. Something that's been going through my mind at the moment has been I'm going to a different dream place and as soon as my subconscious is there the dreams will come back in earnest. Hopefully there won't be many nightmares. As of this day I have all my ducks in a row, I'm straightened up and flying right, my deck of cards counts up to fifty five (fifty two cards plus two jokers and the one card which has the rules) and I have nothing bearing down on me which is amazingly annoying. My kneejerk reaction is I don't deserve to have my life in order but that has no basis in fact. Shit I'm even considering starting to clean up the apartment again bringing the television over to the kitchen door so I can watch the Twilight Zone marathon on SciFi while doing the dishes and washing the stovetop and taking care of the niggling things which just add to the clutter. I could easily procrastinate on cleaning the kitchen with the fact that I need to clean my bedroom first to get all the silverware and dishes to have completeness in the kitchen. That makes sense. Yet being in here only means I'll sit around, watch TV, nap and get online wondering why the hell I bother because I can't find anything to do or anyone to hang around with not that I'm in a hanging around with someone kind of mood. Only thing that I'm thinking about is getting some cash together to buy a PS2 or a six inch reflector telescope. The first would let me watch DVDs even though I don't watch DVDs or videos or whatnot and games cost money too. The telescope would only come out about three months a year when I get bitten by my astronomy bug plus I'd be frightened of knocking something out of alignment or something cracking while in storage or while transporting it to dark sky areas. Still this is money that would be better spent getting my car in good working order. Money that would be better off socked away in the freezer for My Big Thing. The only real financial decision I've made is the fact that I'm not going to get health insurance coverage because that's forty dollars a payday I'm never going to use and could use for something important like drinking alcohol on Saturday nights while reading quietly in the corner of some dive. Other than all that kinda shit I've been remarkably cheerful at work and after work. post script This site hit 13k hits a few days ago so it seems that I'm back to the thousand hits a month after the slump in May. 7/5/02 Once upon a Saturday I went with Kinja to get breakfast before going back to her mother's place for a day of screwing. We went over to a bagel place which was around the corner so I could get my bagel sandwiches with scrambled egg and taylor ham. First she admonished me that she knows a few of the muslim guys who work in the store so we should go in separately to avoid her from feeling all paranoid that someone would find out and tell her husband. I went in first, bought my sandwiches and went outside to wait in her car for a few more minutes than normal. "Okay, she's a chick. They always take forever to do stuff" I figured and resigned myself to waiting until she finished up whatever she was doing. She came back to the car in a huff and started venting. "You'll never believe this. I was talking with this Egyptian guy that I know and he took me aside and said 'Oh Ziliekah you look zo zexy today. I get off at three, you come by and you suck my dick.'" My laughter really didn't help matters and she got upset that I wasn't jealous or seething with anger that she was propositioned or this guy didn't respect her enough. I wouldn't have laughed so hard if she wasn't so good at imitating that arabic accent which is a cross between French, Dracula with that Jew hocking a loogie sound. Still I had to admire the sheer balls of this guy just going right out and saying that to her. Of course (much) later on she was joking about it. Still those ragheads were sweet on her for one reason or another. Like this other time where we went in pretending we didn't know each other for her sake and I got my sandwich first and left. She told me how one of the guys behind the counter went out of his way and made a small scene just for her showing how he knew she was muslim and he wasn't going to use a knife that touched pork to cut her bagel lest it be infested with the ineffible damnation of The Pig by proxy. Yeah right, pork is really disgusting. I still wonder how many of these "Turkish" and "Egyptian" guys that she knew were/are really members of terrorist cells. Last night's dream was a landmark because it was the first dream that I can really remember that took place in Colorado. I could point out everything that is Colorado like the little fenced in front yard, the way it looks going down the stairs into my apartment and the soccer field across the street which was distorted in my dream. The first half is faded so I won't try to convey that to you, gentle reader. The second half began with me using my laptop on the front lawn going into random IRC rooms sometimes just typing in random words or names of people finding that the rooms were already chock full of folks some of whom I know. #hhsb was interesting because hhsb was in there DCC'ing pictures of herself directly into the chatroom for everyone to see what she was doing at home. Instead of words she'd end up saying pictures. Once she saw me come into the room she started posting pictures of herself taking off her shirt revealing her boobs which were painted bright red. I was terribly embarassed but not to the point that I couldn't start saving pictures to disk. The Birds came home, pulling into the parking lot of the methadone clinic next door, and I sheepishly closed my laptop and gathered up a big stack of Hustlers from the lawn and jogged downstairs to drop them off in my storage room that will be my living room. Back upstairs and back outside I was coming around the front of the house when I saw a Blue Angel jet come flipping and spinning out of control towards the soccer field across the street. Thing about the soccer field in the dream compared to real life is in the dream the field goes the entire length of Weber. I watched its descent until it crashlanded and cartwheeled over and over churning up dirt. Two things went through my mind. Shit, I hope it doesn't hit the 7-11. Damn, I better get my digital camera. The chaos stopped behind the line of houses which face Cache la Poudre across from the 7-11. Relieved, I ran down to get my camera because I was going to make this my disaster. This wasn't going to be robbed from me like September 11th. My frustration built up inside me when I couldn't find the camera so I thought maybe I left the camera outside. Definitely not a good idea since everyone was screaming "Call 911" and running around like baby ducks looking for their mother. Somehow I ended up in some darkish restaurant with lots of stained wood, Jaybird and maribou were black (not like midnight nor a high yeller, just coffee but Jaybird's beard was still blond) and looking for a table near the door so they could keep me from going out to take lots of photos of the crash site. Jaybird chased me around the table a bit to keep me from going outside and eventually I just gave up and sat down with them. The dream ended with Lighter Shade of Pale being played from some unseen source and the song was stuck in my head when I got up this morning. One thing has been nagging at me for the past couple of days. I remember all the times that I've gone to the shore and realized that there are only white people hanging out on the beach. Out on the boardwalk there are only white people. What the hell is that? It's definitely not because of racism or Italians who saw Rocky one too many times. I reckon black people hate the beach. Why? Because they can't tan? Because of the crowds? Salt water fucks up their razorbumps? Sharks like dark meat? Baffling, just baffling. Every time I go outside and don't look at the mountains looming to the west I think, "Shit, this is just like being in a Jersey shore town." Over to the east there's absolutely nothing except it's about sixteen hundred miles to the Atlantic shore instead of a quarter mile. The perennial sunshine. Something about the houses around here just reminds me of being down the shore too. That and the dearth of black people. Independence Day was a good one that was only marred by the idea that I'd be going into work on Friday like a god damned schmuck to do eight hours. Shit, I'd love to have an unpaid day off for a four day weekend because I'd be my cheerful self on Monday and the rest of the god damned summer which will be interminable less'n I take a sick day in August or something. August is probably going to be a review which I hope will go well for me. Either it was ninety days or thirty days I can't remember or be bothered because I was drinking tonight and man it was nice and I'll drink tomorrow night too. Mr. Spivak needed to blow off some steam after hearing that something happened to Devo coupled with the fact that I was the last person to hear about it only reinforcing being the second prettiest girl in school. Me heap drinkum stinkum even now even though I said I wouldn't until tomorrow and Jesus I'm going to sleep deep tonight hopefully I'll feel every luxuriant inch of rest rather than being dead to the world and waking up subjective minutes later after eight objective hours have passed. Maybe if I could force someone to watch me sleep the entire night under pain of punishment or death to watch ever excruciatingly dull minute of my sleep that I'd feel rested because they'd confirm that I slept the whole time and my evidence would be the black bags under their eyes. I'm going to eat well this weekend, I tell you what. I've got a fridge full of meat. 7/6/02 Hey you cocksuckers. I want to take this time out and embarass the ever living shit out of someone. Hi, Devo!!! I love you and sometimes it's desperate and sometimes it's just gotta jack my cock hard lust and other times I want to hold you in my scrawny fatman arms and nuzzle your earlobe like a baby deer but I love you. I hope you love me. OK TNX. Guinness rules. Friday was full of good news and bad news. Good news is the fact that I will be getting two paychecks for the work of one paycheck next time because I'm just that god damned good. The bad news is that for some reason using the grill out back is verboten. I think the college dickheads behind the house who mooched off water last winter are the ones who bitched and complained about it. This annoys me since I've got a passel of meat that's itching to be grilled and cooked up to fill my belly. Despite everything else going my way two minor things are bugging me for example not being able to find a crack for the demo versions of Pagemaker and I ordered from Mexico Way and forgot to tell them I didn't want any fucking cheese on my burritos. The latter is my fault entirely. The former just requires persistence. I did find Dream Quest of the Unknown Kadath at Barnes & Noble today which pleased me greatly in addition to getting an O'Reilly book on the cheap. No five finger discount. P.P.S. Dear People of Lambda, I am not logging spivak into LambdaMOO. It's a script logging spivak onto LambdaMOO. Please keep that in mind. Tnx. Regards, spivak 7/7/02 It started out on a swampy, vine-tangled steamboat floating on dark waters down some river. In addition to the vines were cobwebs that hung from each lamp giving the light a green hue. The back of the steamboat was a bar which was usually empty despite it being outfitted to accomodate any kind of party anyone could think of holding onboard the ship. Now and again I'd see the Birds wandering around above deck talking with other folks and we'd wave at each other. The cobwebs got to me after a while and I decided to head for the safety of my cabin. A quiet party was well underway in the cabin where folks just sat around talking, drinking and fucking on the floor. Over in my bed was this naked black chick who was complaining about her ears not being clean enough. I started looking in her ears and saw they were clean enough almost to the point I could see the light on the other end. She decided to thank me with a few hours of screwing and face riding. When I woke the next morning the steamboat had come to dock at some unknown port and I kept pacing around the cabin. Chuck from New Jersey came in and talked with me about how I should go ashore but I was ignoring him until he left me alone. For the rest of the dream I was chainsmoking cigarettes feeling sorry for myself because once I started smoking that meant I'd never be a kid again. This is really fucking weird. There's a vent on the wall to my left, opposite the window, and somehow it's been pushed out of the hole a bit. I have no fucking clue how that happened because there's stuff in the way keeping me from futzing with it, not that I would ever futz with the vent unless it's winter and I want the apartment to be as cold as possible, and no one else is in here. There's no way some animal could've come in here and climbed up the wall since the vent is about six feet from the ground with no footholds or handholds. Sure something could've come out of the vent but what? What is strong enough to push that vent out and be able to squeeze through an inch and a half space between the wall and the vent? So there's a lot of lesbian pics over at VoyeurWeb and Redclouds and what's more distressing than looking at girls fooling around with each other but only pointing tongues at each other or grabbing boobs are the pictures which show all the alcohol in the background of the pics. Sure alcohol will get the girls actually doing something to each other but I get to thinking that if they weren't liquored up they'd be saying "GROSS" or pretending to be troupers but ending up in tears after the photo shoot. Since I've been banned from various message boards on the net for trolling or not marching in lock step with their ideologies I've been annoyed that I can't go anywhere and find answers to the following questions. Were there black people in Nazi concentration camps? Is the Klingon language copyrighted or trademarked by Paramount or other entities related to the Star Trek franchise? Is there a reason for really having to piss a brief time (fifteen to thirty minutes) after orgasm? How did scientists come to the estimate of one atom per cubic meter in intergalactic space? What would be the moral issues of xenophilia, relating to aliens from space, and humans. Would it be considered a form of bestiality or would there be allowances made considering how human they appear or their level of sentience? How effective would detonating many nuclear weapons at each pole be in raising the ocean levels around the world? Would it be temporary or relatively permanent? Is there a convention among cartographers regarding what colors are used on states in maps of the United States of America or are the colors simply chosen at random? Do animals experience bone loss when their gonads are removed? Is it as severe as the bone loss or weakening that humans experience? This'd be a remarkably cruel thing to do to animals regardless of the benefits of neutering or spaying the animal. I'd actually prefer animals getting vasectomies or their tubes tied in lieu of these procedures. Google hasn't been too helpful with finding the answers to these pressing questions. They're far more interesting than wondering about the incestuousness of masturbating conjoined twins or if it's worse to be gay with an animal or just to screw an animal. I've come to the EDUCATED CONCLUSION using SPIVAK'S RAZOR that it is only incest if the one not jerking off feels the orgasm and you're gay if you screw anything that's the same gender regardless of species but bestiality trumps homosexuality. Devo gave me a few answers but she didn't cite any sources but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. 7/8/02 What the fuck is this shit? I just looked at the d20 version of Call of Cthulhu and all the 'gods' are listed as being chaotic evil. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO A THOUSAND TIMES NO Those beings which dwell outside angled space and other dimensions are indifferent to the inhabitants of Earth. It's bad enough at the WotC site they misquote Lovecraft with "In his house at R'lyeh, dread Cthulhu waits dreaming". Dread? DREAD? Fucking dickhead cocksucking rimjobbers it's "dead Cthulhu" not "dread Cthulhu". Bad enough that this system has been translated over to the inferior and inflexible d20 system but I can not abide these egregious errors. I don't recall reading anything in the core book that said something like "Oh, we're just drawing heavily upon Derleth and his misinterpretation of Lovecraft's use of the term blasphemous in Lovecraft's stories" which I could accept (with gritted teeth) but this is a thousand times worse. This article best explains the differences between Lovecraft and his protoge August Derleth. Lost Track of Time Edit Plus is pretty darned cool, I just need to configure it for Python. I'm feeling cranky. Everyone can go eat shit, except Brian and the Birds. meanwhile g r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r *huff* r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r r

False Cheer Confucius say woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit. Confucius say man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth. Confucius say man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag. Confucius say man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face. Confucius say passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly. Confucius say man with hole in pocket, feel cocky. Confucius say man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. Confucius say virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone. Confucius say girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town. Confucius say he who fart in church, sit in own pew. Confucius say baseball no sport-man with four balls cannot walk. Confucius say man who live in glass house, dress in basement. Confucius say Kotex is not best thing on earth, is next-to-best thing on earth. Confucius say man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts. Confucius say man who walk through airport door sideways, going to Bangkok. Confucius say man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. Confucius say man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. Confucius say when lady say no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady! Confucius say man who go to bed with stiff problem, wake with solution in hand. Confucius say man who stand on toilet, high on pot. Confucius say man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy. Confucius say it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl. Confucius say man who jizz in cash register, come into money. Confucius say man who finger girl having period, caught red handed. Confucius say man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam. Confucius say man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money. Confucius say man who go to bed with itchy asshole, wake with stinky finger. Confucius say learn to masturbate-come in handy. Confucius say war not determine who right, war determine who left. Confucius say naked man fear no pickpocket. Confucius say squirrel who run up womans leg, not find nuts. Confucius say the end of day is near when small men make long shadows. Confucius say better to be pissed off than pissed on. Confucius say woman how cook carrots and peas in same pot, not sanitary. Confucius say couple on seven day honeymoon, make whole week. Confucius say girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip. Confucius say girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge. Confucius say waitress who sit on lepper's lap, keep tip. Confucius say butcher who back into meat grinder, get a little behind in his work. Confucius say man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, feeling nuts. Confucius say man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face. Confucius say man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose. Confucius say man with big mouth, beware of foot. Confucius say man who fly upside down have crack up. Confucius say man who leap off cliff, jump to conclusion. Confucius say shallow woman like man with short temper. Confucius say man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic. Confucius say house without bathroom, uncanny. Confucius say foolish man give wife grand piano-wise man give wife upright organ. Confucius say man who eat many prunes, sit on can for many moons. Confucius say man who sleep with bitchy wife, wake with itchy trigger-finger. Confucius say man who sit on stool, smell like shit. Confucius say man with tight trousers, pressing his luck. Confucius say man who throw dirt, losing ground. Confucius say man who fishes in other's holes, get crabs. Confucius say he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses. Confucius say cow with no legs, ground beef. Confucius say two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn. Confucius say baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard. Confucius say bird in hand, make difficult to blow nose. Confucius say finding old man in dark, not hard. Confucius say man who smoke pot, choke on handle. Confucius say OK for shit to happen-will decompose. Confucius say man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache. Confucius say sailor who get discharged from navy, leave buddies behind. Confucius say secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk. Confucius say do not drink and park-accidents cause people. Confucius say he who crosses ocean twice without washing, dirty double crosser. Confucius say too many light bulb jokes, soon burn out. Confucius say takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it. Confucius say never raise hands to angry child-leave groin exposed. Confucius say man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Confucius say man who keep feet firmly planted on ground, have trouble putting on pants. Confucius say man who sit on tack, get point. Confucius say man who run behind car, get exhausted. Confucius say man who put cream in tart, not always baker. Confucius say man who let woman on top, fucking up. Confucius say woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring. Confucius say sex on beach like american beer-fucking near water. Confucius say man like baby-want to suck tit all day. Confucius say man who masturbate, only screwing himself. Confucius say woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom. Confucius say support bacteria-is only culture some people have. Confucius say man who eat too many jellybean, fart in technicolor. Confucius say man who marry girl with no bust, have right to feel low down. Confucius say man with athletic finger, make broad jump. Confucius say man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons. Confucius say man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment, not get new key. Confucius say he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all. Confucius say even greatest of whales, helpless in desert. Confucius say wash face in morning, neck at night. Confucius say elevator smell different to midget. Confucius say America good place for Chinese restaurant. Confucius say no man is island, but some women are whales. Confucius say he who have last laugh, not get joke. Confucius say man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet. Confucius say he who outrun cheetah, fucking fast on his feet. Confucius say man trapped in sewer, eat shit and die. Confucius say man who fuck ugly dog, get howled at. Confucius say all men eat, but Fumanchu. Confucius say he who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep. Confucius say he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands. Confucius say wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn. Confucius say he who sniff coke, drown. Confucius say Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetary-fucking near dead Confucius say man piss in wind, wind piss back. Confucius say man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind. Confucius say man who eat pussy, do lip service. Confucius say man with tool in womans mouth, not necessarily dentist. Confucius say girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick. Confucius say men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more. Confucius say rape should not happen-woman run faster with skirt up, than man with pants down. Confucius say woman wearing G-string, high on crack. Confucius say virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick. Confucius say man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face. Confucius say woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock. Confucius say fly who sit on toilet seat, get pissed off. Confucius say man who throw away watch, wasting time. Confucius say man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self. Confucius say man who jump through screen door, strain self. Confucius say man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor. Confucius say man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose. Confucius say man who sink in woman's arms, soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say man who put cock on stove, have hot rod. Confucius say never trust man with short legs-brains too near bottom. Confucius say soldier who go to bed horny, wake with dishonorable discharge. Confucius say woman who put detergent on top shelf, jump for joy. Confucius say woman who slide down bannister, make monkey shine. if you really must 7/11/02 There's something beautiful about being dead. One achieves a godlike status based on the achievements which will never be realized by the deceased individual. No wonder why ancestor worship is so prevalent among humans. "Look at what they could've done!" That's what people think when they've been robbed of someone's presence. Of course those people are soon forgotten when what they could've done has been overshadowed by what some new dead individual could've done which would've been greater and more influential than anything anyone could've done before if only they had a few more years of precious life. Death truly is the best thing to happen to anyone. First your GPA skyrockets. Secondly people express in a single burst their most poignant and heartfelt emotions that they would never have the balls to express to anyone still drawing breath. Love is easier that way because then it's something that's truly unrequieted and understandably so because the object of one's affection will never have the opportunity to ever, ever show love back so intensely that the other person is frightened off. The person showing that kind of love will never feel the sheer despair of being let down by being laughed at for showing something so vulnerably hilarious like love or feeling the heat of disdain because someone "just doesn't feel the same way". Thirdly you don't have to go to work or school anymore, just lie back and experience oblivion while giving something back to the world even if it's just grubs, maggots and weevils. Also death has to be pretty fucking intense since nobody ever comes back from the other side without a fight. Sure there are those who return to the realm of mortals, ripped from the bosom of Thanatos, because of some sense of duty by various professionals who believe death is losing and admitting failure rather than simply another phase of existence and part of the succession of life. When I was talking with Brian a few nights ago he brought up that my absence from New Jersey has felt like an illusion rather than something truly being missing from the group. Heh, maybe I never left New Jersey and Colorado is just an illusion. I'm living somewhere in the wilds of the Pine Barrens and folks are just waiting for me to "get better" and reintegrate myself into reality and their lives. Or maybe I'm just that important to those people and have left such an indelible mark on them that for some reason they're keeping the idea of me alive in their head so it's true in their hearts that there will be one Tuesday night where they'll hear someone knocking at the side door of Diane's place or just the familiar shambling with a clanging twelve pack of carbonated beverage waiting for me to come in, say hi and tell whomever is sitting in my chair or side of the couch to get the fuck up or I'll sit on them. Of course I'd just sit in an uncomfortable chair and pull some Jewish mother guilt on them of "Oh no, I'm fine. Stay there, it's cool." Right now I'm in a better mood than I have been in the last couple of nights but still I have an edge which is keeping me from being manic in my joy. I could say that the mood's edge comes from hearing people bitch "I spent my last dollar faxing you" or I'm generally in a bad mood lately or the fact that I almost lost Devo last week. Knee jerk response to the last thing in that sentence is simply "Not that I can say 'lost' since I never had her anyway" being one of the few disclaimers that go through my head when I talk with myself about my feelings for her. It's like Even Steven on the Daily Show except less funny and more tedious. Now it's time to sleep. I wish that Romanian Beatles website was still around since they had every fucking Beatles song in real audio format and it'd be nice to play Ringo's "Good Night" from the White Album. Dream sweet dreams for me Dream sweet dreams for you. Good night Good night Everybody Everybody everywhere Good night. 7/12/02 Despite Thursday being a generally happy day since it's the last day where I'll have to work, go home and then wake up early the next for work it ended up making me cranky since every person I encountered was a fucking imbecile. At least I came home feeling neutral. Smackdown helped cheer my spirits but not because The Rock came back to cut a few promos and do lame run-ins but Jaybird is hilarious and maribou is the perfect straight woman and I got Chinese for everyone because I love them. Also Devo came online today after losing her internet connection for a few days. Lame as it sounds the only thing that I'm wondering about is what to do with the flush of money coming my way on Tuesday. Should I get a telescope? Should I get a PS2? Should I fix my car's driver side door? I know I really wouldn't need to get any books since maribou told me that she has book credits at her fine store which means that she'd be able to get me *F*R*E*E* books so I can read and masturbate and while away the quiet weekend hours at home or drinking over at the Utopia. I'd go to Jack Quinn's but they're noisy on the weekend and it just seems like a Bennigan's restaurant. There's nothing interesting going on with my life. I am going to write about how I almost had a gay experience in college. Please don't despair True Believer because I didn't go near any purple headed trousersnake in any fashion. Later I'll be posting some long and drawn out entry about the animals who have touched my life over the past thirty one years. Until then... MAKE MINE HEPTAPOD blissfully ignorant So there was some western civilzation class that leaned heavily towards art back in college. Easy course that anyone with a pulse could pass with minimal effort. One of the big things for the course was a visit to the Metropolitan Museum of Art where everyone followed the first quarter of the tour until they broke off into cliques. I was able to get an audience making fun of the exhibits and they ended up following me around when the groups broke away. There was this one guy in my group who was in my cartooning class who was acting awfully chummy but I kept everyone at arm's length. It was in the big room where some Egyptian temple was reconstructed and we were all sitting around poking fun at the security guards doing their jobs especially this one guy who kept saying "hey Hey HEY HEY!!!" Well the chummy guy was like, "I gotta go to the bathroom, anyone else have to go?" "Nope." "Come with me anyway." Oooooookay. What the fuck is this? He went over to the bathroom and I followed behind looking back at the folks still sitting at the exhibit hoping that their reactions would let me know what was up or that something strange was going on. I stood outside the men's room and waited inching towards the ladies room because by now this was getting creepy. Eventually the guy came out and went back to the group with me trailing behind keeping a bit of distance before deciding to go to another part of the museum by myself. Now a few years later I realized that men's rest rooms were used for other things than taking a shit or a leak. It was very creepy. That kind of feeling is most likely the reason why guys don't like gay guys that much when they're young. Guys know what guys are like around women and it's certainly something they don't want directed back at them. Like a wolf being hunted down by another pack for food rather than simply being killed and being left for the scavengers. Women have an inclination towards being pursued plus they can handle it easier since women aren't highly strung unless it's that magical time of the month where they are reminded of their ultimate purpose. Thankfully there are some women who transcend that and make their menses into something abstract or humorous or yet another fucking excuse. farscape Farscape is good but somehow it seems to build up to something great or have good intentions but in the end it falls flat. Of course this is reinforced by the fact when they build up to a good storyline with an amazing payoff makes everyone think that This Episode Is Going To Be The Next Big Thing. lots of content or little content This was strange. A few nights ago I woke up smelling the familiar scent of skunk. I'm talking polecat not marijuana. First thing that I thought was "I hope that fucker doesn't spray towards my window" followed by "What the fuck is a skunk doing in Colorado?" So far Colorado doesn't have skunks. Colorado certainly has magpies, crows and golden squirrels who like to congregate across from the Birds's window and hold spirited and involved discussions about pertinent issues of the day. One of the things I learned in a dream the night before was the fact that dogs are far more noble and faithful than any human being. In a crowded neighborhood of brick tenements there was my ground floor apartment and below that was another apartment which was rented out by Morpheus. Morpheus wasn't the brooding goth queer as portrayed in Sandman but he still had that look. I was outside in an alleyway where I was talking with a dark haired college girl who lost something and she thought somehow I'd be some help for her to find that object. I was only half-listening to her being distracted by the presence of one of my marker drawings hanging on the wall of this black guy's apartment making me think that was pretty darned cool and wondering how the hell he got a hold of that piece. The drawing was of a stovetop with one of my characters peeking out of the top of a pot. Beneath the drawing was the actual stovetop with something peering out of a pot but out of my sight. Morpheus soon came home, walking down the alleyway, pointing at the girl and telling her to go back inside then walking through a wall into his sub-basement apartment. I followed him but he didn't make me very welcome in his apartment. The foyer was cluttered and lit by a twenty watt bulb that gave everything a sepia cast, to the left was a narrow hallway that led into his brightly lit bedroom. Upon entering on the right side was a small, institutional bed with black sheets and no pillow and opposite it was a cool contraption which was an electrified barber chair used for killing people. What made it so special, besides being one of those 1920's vintage chairs with gleaming chrome and soft red leather and how mechanical but aesthetic in appearance, was the fact that Morpheus knew how to rig up the chair to send someone to Hell without killing them. The breaker box had to be turned to 240 volts and some other obscure dial needed to be exactly at five. Morpheus was going to visit Hell and I was going to follow him because it pleasured me that my presence irritated him. The journey was pretty short and unremarkable. A static tingle went through one's body followed by darkness broken only by an illusion of flames at the high periphery of one's vision. I went to Hell first because Morpheus was already there having left another part of his consciousness in the world of the living. There was snow in Hell but because of the depth at which I arrived as in Dante's Inferno rather than Hell having been frozen over. Pluto, a.k.a. Dis, knocked against my right shoulder as he hurried past me towards a blank wall. He is the true ruler of Hell, not Satan, because he was here first and Satan is largely a myth created by other religions to create a place of punishment. Pluto looked a lot like Mr. Freeze with luminous blue skin encrusted with frost and being completely hairless except he wasn't wearing some gargoyle suit to maintain his body temperature. Lots of information flooded me after he brushed against me about how Hell used to be much nicer except the crime rate has skyrocketed because all the bad people thought they belonged there rather than haunting the living or simply dissipating their will and consciousness into the ether at the point they cease to live. Pluto was also the only entity in Hell to have a pet, a dog. This beast embodied everything that is noble, loyal and virtuous about canines by the simple fact of being in Hell by choice and not having been condemned to this particular afterlife. Lots of people will say in the world of the living at the height of passion and love that they would forsake Heaven for Hell if their beloved was going to be in eternal torment in that subterranean afterlife. Most people who actually get as far as approaching the gates of Hell tend to rethink their former position and decide to get on with their afterlife and meet someone else because Hell looks like hell. Pluto's dog (heh) chose to stay at his friend's, not master's, side. I followed his crunching footsteps and his silhouetted form to a glowing blue doorway that opened up into the wall to some other place. Hell is simply an afterlife not a plane of torment and punishment zoned by a smug and self-righteous 'divine' being who decided to fill it up with his heretical and rebellious children. Since Hell was originally founded underground it got a bad rap coupled with the fact that all the bad people thought they belonged there so that opened up job positions for demons who got their bachelor's degree at DeVry in torture and from there everything got worse but not much since Hell is a big place. Only thirty percent of hell is set aside for the unvirtuous, the rest is just dark and underground where people live relatively unremarkable afterlives sometimes taking vacations to other afterlives and planes of existence. It was cardboard cart racing season in Hell and Pluto was one of the top contenders taking part in the Big Race. I clamored around to an empty wagon behind Pluto and sat inside wondering what it would be like to take part in the race. A chain fell down from the ceiling to my hands as Pluto's cart sped away, I grabbed the chain only to be yanked from the cart and hurling like Tarzan over the slotted track high over my head gaining speed and passing all the participants among which was Morpheus. The race track changed and I found myself among the clockwork, gears and worm drives that made this slot car race possible. Before I was crushed by a gear's tooth I found myself hurtling towards the floor of Morpheus's apartment. Morpheus grinned at me which pissed me off and I sat in the barber chair again waiting for the switch to be pulled to return to Hell. It hurt this time but not a kick in the nuts kind of hurt or oh my god I'm going to die a horrible death kind of hurt but the transition was less pleasant. Hell was still snowy and now it was more of a mirror image of the world of the living which made me feel this part of Hell bordered that world and was merely a shadow. Pluto wasn't anywhere to be found nor was Morpheus but I wouldn't expect them to be nearby since I was just another soul among souls. I was being followed by a squat, black guy in a detective's trenchcoat who was drawn by my presence and the fact that my soul didn't bear the scar of death that all souls acquire upon arrival in their chosen afterlive. The terrain and neighborhood became more familiar to me and I soon found myself in the alleyway that would lead to Morpheus's pad if this wasn't Hell and turned into that door to escape my pursuer. That move only led me to being in the world of the living in Morpheus's place again with the black detective realizing he found what he was looking for the entire time, Morpheus. The black guy was a FBI agent who died while tracking down Morpheus in one of his myriad forms and bore a grudge magnified by his former torment against the Lord of Dreams. Unfortunately the intensity of the agent's hatred made it hard to comprehend the background between these individuals and the agent's motivations. I knew there was going to be fight and decided the best way to avoid collateral damage was to go back to Hell. Once my butt hit the seat a whispering female voice told me that the first two are free and now it would cost me one hundred and eighty two dollars which I didn't have on me so I dashed out into the street and found my way back home in New Jersey. The night was rainy and dark. Lots of time had passed in the dream making me think that morning should just be around the corner or over the horizon but the darkness was almost absolute. The house was dark and I had to shuffle the cars around so when my parents came home they wouldn't be blocked in when they had to go to work in the morning. The street was choked with traffic because there was a game over at one of the local schools and the visiting team from Westfield's bus was being an asshole sitting through red and green lights to hold up traffic because they lost badly at a game. Folks eventually got the idea to drive around the buses but I was too paranoid to break the law and kept inching up until I was directly behind one of the buses. This bus was covered in yellow and purple paint, supposedly war colors, the windows were dark on its rear with no leering faces sharing their disdain for other people like all school buses but along the side windows I could see there were people and enormous stuffed animals. Each bus opened letting out pastel colored stuffed animal game mascots to prance and play in the rainy streets that shone from the street and traffic lights. "Fuck this." I thought as I drove around the bus to turn left and finish my chore. As I passed the bus and turned onto the main drag there were little girls in purple faerie dresses throwing purple flowers exiting the bus almost getting stuck to the car's front grill. The main drag was covered in those purple flowers and petals, the little girls dressed up like purple faeries were coming into the street from the sidewalk completely oblivious to the fact that cars could crush their little bodies. After much swerving and weaving I was able to make another left turn and park on the side street for the rest of the night without having killed anyone. Back in the house I went online placing my laptop on one of the huge piles of books because there wasn't any furniture inside the house. My back itched like a motherfucker and I didn't have my beloved backscratcher on my person so I found a decent pile of books and started rubbing my spine against the corners until I knocked the pile over to the floor. Much to my horror I realized that I chose the pile of books where I placed my laptop which landed badly on the floor. Gray morning began to break as I cradled its broken case in my arms, "Fuck, every year about this time I end up breaking you. Now I don't have the money to fix you so I'm up shit's creek. Good bye, internet." When I woke up I had Jethro Tull's "Thick as a Brick" stuck in my head but it mercifully faded. later How odd. I thought I uploaded this particular entry earlier than usual on Saturday but something happened causing my site to revert to its old self. i dread writing the dates of entries nowadays I wish there was a reliable way to do drop caps in HTML or CSS that rendered the same way on every browser without having to use an image of the letter. Sometimes there are dreams or entries where I feel it would be entirely appropriate to use that typographical convention. This kid I knew back in elementary school was getting married and he sent me an invitation after not hearing from him in twenty years. No, this kid wasn't a best friend or anything but we talked in school now and again. The first thing that came to mind was "Holy shit, I'm old" followed by crying like a little girl at that realization that I'm still not grown up and everyone, close or distant, was getting married. Strange that in real life when Ty and Stephanie got married I didn't feel like that but I'm fairly sure the lack of feeling comes from the fact that I only knew them for about two and a half years rather than decades. After I regained my composure I read the invitation which said the ceremony would be held at ten o'clock some day in the future which was pretty close. One of the realizations that I had was that Colorado Springs wasn't that far from New Jersey but Colorado was very far from New Jersey. Dream history said my drive out west only took a hair more than ninety minutes even with the side trip to Tulsa. I would be able to attend the wedding but there was another event happening back home on the same day but a half hour earlier which would make things tight. Once I was back in Jersey I went home to put on my dress clothes and kept an eye on the clock so I wouldn't be late and my schedule wouldn't be thrown off track. Well I ended up getting to the site about a half hour late. It was in a big, circular amphitheater where the seats were concentric rings which ascended up into the darkness. A few human silhouettes were sitting on the benches by themselves and giving off vibes that they really didn't want anyone to approach them in the first place. At the center of the amphitheater was a small post in the middle of a sandy circle, pinned to the post was a small letter. "My psychic told me the bar mitzvah wouldn't happen today. I apologize to the people who arrived at five, six, seven and later." Bar mitzvah? The invitation said wedding. Also the guy is black, not Jewish. I went home. Later in the dream I was being intimate with Devo when she told me out of the blue in the middle of the action that her friend X was watching us. "I didn't think that you'd mind, that's why I didn't tell you until now" she said. "Plus it's not like she's watching us and masturbating so it's not that bad." "Uh. You're explaining too much. Shut up" and we went back to doing what we were doing in the first place. Sunday was a nothing day, I downloaded a single player mod for Half Life but I can't get it to work at the moment because of some dll being missing or unable to be accessed by the program. Just feeling too scattered to bother figuring out what's going on no matter how simple the solution. I've been going through a few feelings that I've been trying to express but whenever I've tried to express them I'd feel like they were completely inappropriate for the time or the feelings themselves were inappropriate to feel in the first place. Considering the fact that LambdaMOO was my one social outlet, not a very good one to begin with, and it seems like that I only have a few friends who have become fundamental to my life. Sure, I've said shit like this before in addition to saying how I'd look back on saying those words and laugh at how stupid and what a teenage girl I was for saying that kind of line. I'm sure I'll think that when I look back on this entry but I figure the chance is relatively small since I can count my friends on one mutated hand. Brian, Tim, Jaybird, maribou, Devo and Kylie. Of course the only folks I really have lots of contact with are Jaybird and maribou but that's only on designated nights or if they ask me up because I don't want to impose (even though it's been made abundantly clear I may impose) and most times I do feel like brooding down here. I see Tim a lot online but he's usually distracted and he's not much of a conversationalist since he's self-conscious about his typing ability and he's pretty demanding about topics of conversation not wanting to get involved in nonsense or goofy shit unless he starts the goofiness. Brian's rarely around but when I do see him we talk for quite a bit and I do email him at least once a month. Something that makes me laugh which just came to mind is the fact that I could say Devo is like Brian. They're both from Oklahoma (though one was born in Texas and that can not be forgotten), I rarely see both but when I do see them we hang out or talk for quite some time, they're the only two people who know what my Big Plan is and a few other things which are insignificant in the grand scheme of things but are important to me or they're just something I will not talk about here because, gentle reader and I do mean no disrespect, it's none of your business. I rarely see Kylie because she's out to all hours galavanting around northern California and when she is online I'm distracted or just not in the mood to talk with anyone or not wanting to cover the same old ground that I'd usually cover with her in confidence. I get bored of it, so she must get bored of it or at least frustrated. What about the other people that have been mentioned in the past? Makonan's a flake and March was not a good thing. I've distanced myself from Rebeka because she's just volatile and wrapped up in getting her life together with mockturtle. I don't talk much to Mynx because she rubs me the wrong way like when I'd vent on that list about breeders and she'd make it personal. Ruscha just came across as too much of a yuppie. I do hear from Malyss but I don't want to bother her now that she's living her life and being happy with it. Especially after what I did to her but that's my fault. Sadly with the gaming folks back in New Jersey it's just the fact that they're back in New Jersey but I do email them when I see something perfect for them or I have something to say. The first four months of writing eight separate and unique emails to each person eventually got tired since I wanted each missive to be tailored just for them without repeating the same stuff I wrote in another email. Working at MCI and that sucking up my time just made me fall out of practice. Anyway, just sometimes I feel like disassociating myself from people who don't seem happy to see me whether they seek me out or I seek them out online or offline. This thought bugs the shit out of me especially when it concerns people who I currently hold close. Maybe I'm alienating myself from people so I can feel sorry for myself. Perhaps I'm just being realistic and cultivating relationships that please me and ditching those that leave me feeling empty or ignored. Right now I don't feel like I'm in a good place but I'm in a necessary place. Why is it necessary? I have no idea nor do I believe I will find a rational and objective reason for my state of mind. Oh well, at least I'm proud of the fact the previous paragraphs weren't too aimless or rambling in content. big money day This is creepy. The boss's daughter and son work at the office. Today I noticed the striking resemblance between the daughter and son. Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick how fucking freaky would that be to be in the midst of sex, look down and at one's most distractedness and least coherent to look down at someone naked and think "OH HOLY SHIT SHE LOOKS LIKE HER BROTHER" with the ensuing and embarassing vomit coupled with post-Crying Game showering to get it off because you just can't get clean after that. No, I haven't been staring or anything but I noticed it today and I freaked out big time especially since her brother is this hunchbacked troll covered with acne and she's somewhat cute. Maybe it's a good thing that my sister never brought home her boyfriends after her first one but it's not like I'm clean shaven and there may be some resemblance between my sister and myself considering my size and girth. One of my fears is becoming one of thsoe folks with terrible posture who are hunched over like Mr. Burns when standing upright as if their knuckles are willing the body to drag against the floor in order to feel the thrill of being closer to our simian cousins. Every ten minutes or so while I'm at work I stretch up and push my head back in order to keep my back straight and my shoulders up lest this malady befall me over time. I shake my head ruefully when I see old people walking around hunched over as if the weight of life has borne down upon them heavily and crushed their spirit and their body has sympathetically taken on that affectation to mirror their soul. I've decided what I want to do with the big money I'm getting today in my paycheck. I'm gonna get Opposing Force, Blue Shift and then see if one of those crappy overpriced PC magazines have a CD of patches so I can patch Half Life to the most recent iteration so I can get online and play Team Fortress Classic. Half Life is such good first person shooter goodness and I don't get tired of playing it again and again like I did with the Doom and the Quake series. Unfortunately the end of Half Life is shit, you go to Xen and fight aliens upon aliens. There was a whole mood made up in the Black Mesa facility with the marines mixed in with the aliens but at Xen it just becomes a Quake clone. I remember getting Half Life for Tim the Christmas before I left New Jersey but I doubt he's played it since he's more enamored with real time strategy games rather than first person shooters. I don't blame him considering the offerings available but I'm sure Half Life or a game like Team Fortress Classic would change his mind. I dunno if Half Life is out for the Mac because Brian's become a big Mac faggot because his girlfriend is one. Only thing that would change my opinion if he was using OSX (pronounced oh ehs ecks) CUZ LUNIX EHS TEH R0X0RZ. Just kidding, at least he'd be close to using a good operating system with a nice interface. It'd be cool to play that game with Brian and Tim. P.S. I know that OSX (pronounced oh ehs ecks) is based on BSD not that also-ran linux. The other thing I want to do is get my car's driver door fixed once and for all. It's been fucked up since last September and I just haven't had the money because of MCI or unemployment. Plus I would have enough left over to build up my nest egg. minor update I thought I remembered seeing the news somewhere that there wouldn't be a Mac version of Half Life. Que sera sera. Of course Mac users are "smarter" than PC users so they don't have a desire to play games since running Photoshop, Dreamweaver and QuarkXpress all day is the only thing they need while browsing anti-WTO sites. Just don't see how smart it is when one buys proprietary hardware at a premium price from a specialty dealer when one can get quality hardware at a reasonable price and build one's own machine that can run an operating system that has more software made for it. CLICK HERE TO VISIT MY CAMPORTAL!!!!!!!!!!! marking time My journal is my way of marking time. My job requires me to be aware of the date and the various dates that are associated with that date like when someone's loan is due and when they can refinance and if it's seventeen days so we can hold a loan since we can't hold a loan longer than seventeen days unless they're paid monthly. Plus it seems that my dreams of staying up late to play Half Life and its siblings has gone down the tubes since I'm interested in reading two diaries that I discovered online that I didn't know about in the first place. One I had an idea about because I had an entry emailed to me because it dealt with a dream. I was touched to see someone used my convention of purple text for dreams. The other journal took me by surprise so I'm just going to read though it. I was just told that the second journal was an "experiment" which no one else is supposed to know about in the first place. Anyway my journal helps me mark my days. Unfortunately I end up writing entries about two days in advance depending if I have something to say, I've updated and already archived the entry for the next day and I don't feel like futzing around with the HTML to get the site updated yet again. When I do entries in advance like this it just makes me think the days are going by faster and right now I honestly want the days to go by a bit slower. At least the days I have for myself. If the workday goes by quickly then I'm pleased because it was just a hiccough in my life and I could get on with the more important things. So I screwed up but hopefully it won't be that bad. I thought my car insurance was due on the nineteenth but it was due on the fifteenth. Jesus H. Christ. Hopefully there won't be any bad consequences or anything or they'll be affordable or something. 7/18/02 Morning started out crappy when I realized I left the lights on in my car leaving it dead on the street. D'oh. Jaybird gave me a ride to and from work, saint or secular variation thereof that he is, and I got pizza tonight for everyone but maribou came home late because she had a "meeting". Riiight, we all know you were at the dog track. Something that I love about Colorado is the fact that the sun is this blazing furnace high up in the sky which seeths with cosmic ferocity upon the face of earth and when I enter a shadow it's actually cool and pleasant. Back in New Jersey the sun's just this heating element which is everywhere because the warmth is conducted by the humid air. What a glorious feeling to stretch out in the sun at two in the afternoon on my last break before going home to boost my spirits after dealing with crybabies who can't get a hold of a fax machine without spending a dollar a page. Boo hoo hoo, take out a fucking loan to buy a fax nutsack. You're the one who wants the loan, I just ask that you take care of the transaction in the required manner. So on Tuesday I discovered that if I say something it's going to be tedious or "Oh, that's spivak" and brushed off with the many pearls cast before swine. Yet if someone else, more affable and more handsome happens to use the same exact material comedy magic occurs. That tickles me pink for so many reasons. Perhaps I should be the behind the scenes guy who no one knows about because I'm a real asshole when I'm comfortable in a community and decide to be myself. knock me over with a feather I got up and had a mostly cranky day where a few people were like "I don't like you" because I talked too fast or I talked too loud and they thought it was disrespectful to them. Okay, tough shit. One thing I admit is the joy I feel when I can't get a hold of a customer to tell them that they're due because they have that caller privacy thing on their phone or one of their relatives picks up and pretends to take a message that will never be given to the customer. So sad. (said in a sing-song, insincere woman's voice)

all along the watchtower "There must be some kind of way out of here," said the joker to the thief, "There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief. Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth, none of them along the line know what any of it is worth." "No reason to get excited," the thief he kindly spoke, "There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke. But you and I, we've been through that, and this is not our fate, so let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late." All along the watchtower the princes kept the view while all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too. Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl, two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl. vacation Mister Spivak will be taking a brief leave of absence for his own sanity and mental well being. Mister Spivak recently had a very involved conversation online which had some parts settle 'right' and others which just don't seem to fit in his estimation. In addition to that conversation he also has his own demons to make peace with or at least attempt to make peace with those demons. Mister Spivak would like to convey to his small readership that he currently has five hundred dollars accumulated towards his project. heptapod.org thanks you for your patience during his leave of absence. a man in passion rides a mad horse Gentle Reader, I have returned from my weekend adventure and shall regale you with the particulars of my journey on Monday night or Tuesday morning for those on the east coast or those who do not check my page until later. I will not apologize for my absence because there was something that needed to be done. Essentially I did something very selfish and at the spur of the moment. My only defense, weak or not I leave that up to your judgement gentle reader, is I was under the impression that certain plans which were in place were tentative rather than something set in stone. Still it is quite a feat and wholly foolhardy to drive nearly fourteen hundred miles in the span of forty eight hours for three hours, to risk my driving record and my life flooring my car to the limit pushing triple digit speeds through Kansas. I am home, I am safe and I reek of being cooped up in a car for heaven knows how long but that shall be remedied because I have combed out my hair, I will update these entries and take a well deserved shower. Warmest regards for you and yours, spivak a small request Please contact me at heptapod@yahoo.com if you have an mp3 of Jimi Hendrix's cover of All Along the Watchtower. gentle reader, i'm still writing and editing my story about the weekend. lots of the stuff is still fresh in my mind, lacking perspective and i'm dwelling on the important parts rather than including the entire experience like the bats under the overpass ('under the overpass' has to be one of the finest phrases in the english language), chanting the solar litanies of liber resh at the appointed times while driving around ninety miles an hour and marvelling at the sunset among other things which add background and a diversion from the madness. plus i'm also trying to get two different entries to mesh together with very little luck. what i wrote on sunday night for today was very raw while what i wrote on monday's lunch break was humorous and readable. here's hoping that the frankenstein's monster that is the upcoming entry will have a singular flow and consistent flavor without detracting from the whole tale. annoying i have the cardigan's "lovefool" stuck in my head. dear i fear we're having a problem. okay fatso, what happened today? Glad you didn't ask. Today I learned that there was going to be a random drug test and I had thirty minutes to get down to the clinic and piss into a cup. Shit. I didn't know where the god damned clinic was and I got lost. Double shit. When I arrived I couldn't pee even though I had that little tingle that said "I could pee, if only you jerked off this morning I'm sure that I'd be raring for release by now tubby." "Hey, hurry it up in there. We got other people who have to take tests." growled the tech. Sigh. "I'm not a faucet..." think of a lie, think of a lie "... and I was this close to peeing and you just ruined it. Jesus!" He he he, that bought me some time. The rest of the day was spent at work guzzling seltzer and after I ran out of that I started chugging Dr. Pepper since it was the only carbonated beverage available at the vending machines that wouldn't make me ill. Of course the Dr. Pepper got me all paranoid thinking that I've been having too much sugar lately and my pancreas is going to revolt and change my way of eating with some variation of diabetes. It's bad enough that I think I see diabetic symptoms but I'm not a doctor and I'm working off information from the internet AND THE INTERNET WOULDN'T LIE TO ME WOULD IT? Earlier today during my first break I had a stiff pain across my middle like my diaphragm was way too tight and my respiratory system was readjusting to the thinner air. Jaybird emailed me and said that most likely that feeling is just from driving for twenty plus hours. So around one thirty I started feeling that urgent pressure which made me seriously consider pissing at the office and seeing if I could pee whatever's left over, bladder backwash to turn an ill conceived phrase, later on in the day. Ugh, no, I had to save it all and I sped down to the clinic and came out clean because that's how I live despite whatever some people may say about my personal habits. Turns out that having to take a piss worked in my favor because at the clinic this cute chick smiled at me and when I turned back and smiled at her she didn't look away or give me one of those "Er, I didn't mean to look at you" faces. "You look like the guy over at Heroes and Dragons at the Citadel" she said. "He's cool." "I'm cool too." I said in a retard voice with my hand in the stereotypical wheelchair retard position. Here's the kicker, gentle reader. She games. Oh wait, it gets better. She's leaving for boot camp in a week. BUT she did tell me that there's a gaming group around here and they play the World of Darkness gayness and I mentioned how I'm looking to run a Vampire game. Of course I didn't mention that I'm very green when it comes to running games but apparently the hosts are tired of running games and might be happy to have someone else running a game. Time will tell. Please be patient because I'm still compiling my diary entry about this weekend. It will be posted sometime this week. Honest Injun. tell me why i like thursdays Why do I like Thursdays? Because the next day means the beginning of the weekend. Thursdays mean that all the people who are due on Friday are either fucked or content in their financial beds. Thursdays mean wrestling upstairs with the Birds. No, not that kind of wrestling with all the hot oil and tights but sitting around with maribou complaining about how hot it is, Jaybird telling her to shut up and get him more wine and me being a good guest fetching plates and glasses and being boorish. So Happy It's Thursday. Unfortunately something came up after work which kept me from seeing the Birds and I didn't come home until eleven at night. Seven hours. Seven good hours. This schedule's either going to make me burn out with a lack of sleep or I'll adopt, adapt and improve (the code of the round table or something). Finally, gentle reader, let me tell you that I will be posting that entry soon just that certain people need to read it before the rest of the world. They deserve it and they are that special to me. You have yourself a fine day. ADDENDUM One thing I doubt I ever mentioned here or anywhere is the fact that when I was thinking that Kinja and I weren't going to be an item due to all the fighting between us I kept wondering if Tim would go out with her. At least Kinja would have someone who wouldn't be causing her irritation from being JUST PLAIN STUBBORN AND OBSTINATE about friends and Tim would have a girlfriend. The End. what you've been waiting for(?) It is impossible for a decerebrated individual to experience pain, pleasure, memory, dreams or thoughts of any kind. This young man will be as unfeeling, as unthinking as the dead until the day he joins them. So I think I spent seven hours sitting in a Perkins talking with a ghost or hallucinating company. I saw Mick Jagger there and I saw Kevin from Kids in the Hall dressed up in drag eating at the far side of the restaurant. Friday night I was surprised to see Devo come online and started talking with her. Basically I was in a mood which was precipitated by feeling unappreciated, hating myself for having emotions in general and having emotions for her, then hating myself for broaching the subject in the first place. I was being a broken record once again. Mind you the night before I had an experience. Jaybird was talking about one of his online friends, how long he's known him and how cool he thinks that person is because that individual follows through on what he believes rather than being part of the "do as I say but not as I do". That's something pretty big with Jaybird since he's into people who have their shit together and actually live life rather than talking big and doing nothing. I sighed inside and just kept to myself during wrestling. Devo went off on how I have to work on my self-esteem which fell on my ears as being one of those "love yourself before others can love you" lines which I take as being complete and utter bullshit because when I was with Malyss and when I was with Kinja I didn't like myself but damn I got by just fine and had people who loved me despite being angry at myself. Devo told me that I was putting words in her words and reminded me how she doesn't play games. So I told her how I felt unappreciated, unloved and all that happy horseshit without going into the love equation that's always in the back of my mind. She became disappointed and frustrated with me not being able to take her at her word. The rest of the conversation became a lot more personal but it essentially boiled down to how we have different beliefs. What bothered me was how I read her words as her saying, in no uncertain terms, that we'd always be online and shall never be anything but online. Devo kept saying that she would never be the way she thought I would like her to be. Unfortunately the problem was one of language. My kneejerk instinct was that the problem was the fact that I couldn't read her face and believe her words. Eventually we both got silly and the edge seemed worn down enough that I could try to sleep and she went to bed because she had a big gathering planned on Saturday but she was unsure if she was going to be in attendance. four hours later Bright eyed and bushy tailed I got dressed and gathered my cash together with the sole intent of getting the driver's side door fixed after so many months of the mirror hanging by metal cords. Unfortunately Academy Car Care is now closed on the weekends so they can "worship" and "be with their families". Uh. I drove back home but it was more like pacing than driving. Whatever I was thinking in the first place when I started talking with Devo last night was coming back in the back of my mind. When I did try to fend it off and try to maintain an even keel, that only seemed to make it angrier and start me making plans. "Hey. Devo may not go to that party tonight. You've got plenty of money. Come on, road trip. It'll make you feel better and you'll be able to see Devo for the first time in a year." muttered the troublemaker spivak. "Let it lie. She said she's stressed about life and her ambitions so she doesn't know what she wants right now. Relax and find something else to do." whispered the rational, and weaker, spivak. "Now c'mon, you can get it straight from her and analyze her face, her body language and attitude. Let her say it to your face that it's not going to work out and end it right then and there to her face like a man rather than through email." troublemaker spivak knew how to push my buttons. "You're just going to push an issue and not get a real reaction, you're just going to menace her (unintentionally) and get a forced reaction that will have no meaning. Plus if you don't go down there then you'll have more money put aside." sighed rational spivak. Of course the troublemaker spivak beat the living shit out of the rational spivak and took the helm. Minutes later I was stuffing a bottle of listerine, a clean shirt, a clean pair of underwear (sitting and driving hundreds of miles creates various unpleasant odors, the underwear wasn't a "i'm gonna get lucky... for once" move), a wad of cash which included my nest egg just in case anything happened to the car and my Call of Cthulhu sourcebook to read if there was any point where I would find myself with time to spare and read. A few hastily scrawled directions, a page to Jaybird letting him know I wouldn't make it for PPV and a brief email to Devo saying I was coming down later I was out the door bearing a wad of cash and driving past my border of Colorado Springs. My border of Colorado Springs is the Academy Boulevard bridge over Platte. Whenever I drive to work and have to stop at the light I squint my eyes and look as far out east as possible thinking "I could just give it all up and start driving back home from here." I think around that time is when I got into that determined mindset. The best way to describe it is to compare it to the lung-gom-pa that Tibetan mystics and monks can achieve in order to traverse great distances by foot without any exhaustion or need for sustenance. I achieved that in a driving context. The last thing I ate on Friday night was half a bag of Reeses Pieces and I wouldn't eat until more than a day later and I have yet to feel hungry. Leaving Colorado was a snap and went much quicker than I remembered or would've expected from the first time I arrived last year. Once I hit Kansas I threw caution into the wind and opened up the engine to a hundred miles an hour only being slowed down, not by much, by the irregular but lengthy construction along Route 70 and 135. under construction Yes, Kansas is still a godforsaken wheat field. When I fuelled up for the first time in Kansas I saw some dork in a huge rental truck, twenty footer or greater, who couldn't drive and was fumbling about trying to get in front of a gas pump. I just shook my head and kept my distance but after paying for my gas I saw this moron was still futzing about trying to get near the tanks. "You're an accident waiting to happen." I said loudly while shaking my head. He gave a lame retort of "Having a bad day?" I sneered, "Can it, faggot." Thinking that this bothered me and he'd enjoy "ruining" my day more than he thought it already was he started baiting me with threats to drive over my car, scrape my car, get out of the cab and pick a fight with me. When I made eye contact and told him "Just bring it, queerbait" his bravado waned and he went around to fill up his truck with gasoline. I laughed as I left because I saw that his truck was clearly labelled as needing diesel not the gasoline he was gleefully pumping into his tanks. My mind wandered while I was zipping along the highway about how it'd be cool if Kansas or Nebraska were plowed over and made into state-sized cemetaries. Huge embalming factories on the horizon, inside each of them is the busy industrial music played in old Warner Brothers cartoons being played while forties-esque robot hands prepare and embalm the cadavers on an assembly line that empties into one of the megahearses which will make its morbid deposit at the appropriate grave county. Enormous mausoleums for the wealthy or egomaniacal would spot the countryside amidst the tinier, granite teeth that make up the final resting places of the less affluent. At the center of it all would be a pall of a smoke from the central crematory with its rivers choked with human ash which sneaked past the filters. Of course once one is beyond the din of the thanato-industrial complex there would only be the sound of weeping carried by the pathetic winds which scour the desolate landscape. My goal in driving was to make that right turn onto I-135, stop at the nearest rest area and call Devo to tell her what I was doing since I didn't think she would check her email. Good idea and bad idea. A good idea since it was a halfway point and if I did have to turn around and go home then either I'd just be too tired to be extraordinarily pissed or I'd just do something childish and destructive to myself. A bad idea because hindsight is always twenty twenty. She had decided to go to the party. (sigh) Okay, I'll just turn around and go home. (oh god please say don't go back home you've come so far and it's been so long since i've seen you) You really should've talked to me about this before just springing this on me. (fuck fuck fuck christ if nobody could see me i'd beat this fucking phone receiver against my skull oh god i'm such an asshole) So there's nothing or no way you could even find an hour or less so I can see you? (please please please) No. (augh stomach twisting get angry let it all out and let her know what you really feel) The call become Not Very Fun followed by me hanging up on her which really pisses her off. I jumped back in the car and headed north for Route 70. rational spivak started talking through broken teeth, "You know she hates it when people hang up on her." I had complete control for once and I listened to rational spivak, turned around again and headed for the nearest rest stop to apologize for hanging up on her. That only lead to conniving trying to get an hour of her time, thinking to myself that if she chooses the party over me then it'd just confirm that the people who are around her in person all the time mean a whole lot more than people online. Holy God I'm so fucking lame always being online. I took another risk and asked what if I went along to the party but that was right out because they had to know me and I would have had been in attendance at some communal dinner the week before in order to attend. She told me that I wouldn't be able to bribe them because I was ready to slip someone a hundred dollar bill. Devo said that she would go to the party late, disappoint the folks who were promised rides to the party and tell them to get other rides and to call her when I got into town. Rational spivak chuckled, "How do you like them apples? You made her do something she doesn't want to do you fucking killjoy." "Fuck you." I thought getting into the car and peeling out of the rest area. This was a selfish pursuit and I realized if I was going to be selfish then I might as well go all the fucking way. "Plus if I'm going to make her hate me then I'm going to do my damnedest to make it Makonan-like." Kansas has the easiest roads to speed on. I pushed about a hundred driving past multitudes of grain silos, wheat fields, rest areas and abandoned, rusted out structures of indeterminate utility and origin. Living on four hours of sleep and negligible sustenance I sped down I-135's construction areas especially the ones where the dual lane highway divided by a median was turned into a two lane highway only separated by those orange sticks put along the yellow "do not cross" lines. Only a few times I thought I was going to wipe out but thinking quickly being a skilled and arrogant driver kept me from being a smear much to the dismay of my detractors. Plus it was very hot in Kansas and the next day it only got hotter. I wrapped a spare shirt around my head like a Muslim woman to keep my hair from flying around, getting knotted and generally unmanageable and ugly. Of course the sleeves became undone several times and I had to pull the shirt over my head a few times while driving with my knees completely taking my eyes off the road and hoping that no one in the right hand lane would decide to consider passing and get the rear ending to end all rear endings. Three times I had cop scares. The first time was relatively stupid where some park service guy was driving around and I was unsure of his identity because of the waning daylight. Was he was a cop or just some brownshirt who happened to have a vehicle with lights on top? He flashed his headlights at me, I slowed down, none of Kansas's finest drew up behind me. The second time was catching a yellow flash in the passenger side mirror which made me think of some hidden camera taking a picture of my license plate to be picked up at a later date with a letter from Kansas authorities demanding me to pay a steep fine. Whatever. The last time was seeing a helicopter flying low over and following the highway which made me think that the airborne radar folks were radioing me in to the ground crew to take me down. Still awake, still alive, I drove relentlessly like a man possessed. Around Wichita I turned on the radio and caught the last part of Hendrix's cover of All Along the Watchtower. I deserved that. nearing civilization Kansas isn't that bad since Wichita seems urban after a fashion. Since the last time I drove through that city they had another gas station built and the five star restaurant called "EATS" has expanded to include booths for people. No more eatin' at the counter with the rabble, I'm sittin' in a booth! I still wouldn't want to live there. Considering the near regularity of the construction and the sparsely placed rest areas I'm certain it is probably a conspiracy by the Kansan government to acquire more residents for its unrelenting emtpiness. Either folks run out of gas while surrounded by unhelpful locals and realize they're doomed to live there or people get hypnotized by the ubiquitous orange cones and rods in the road and eventually think "Wow. It's. Pretty. Here. Let. Us. Stay." and give up on their intended destination. Perhaps that's what Dorothy meant by "over the rainbow" because she had a vague memory of where her family was going before they settled down in Kansas. Compared to New Jersey and all points east America seems sparsely populated. One travels from metropolis to metropolis which is bounded by empty prairie, plains or wheat fields. At least Oklahoma doesn't give me that kind of impression and strikes a balance between the void and civilization. no tolerance Oklahoma is okay, I would say it's like Little Texas or an extention of Texas but I wouldn't want to insult Texans. Tulsa gave me a different impression this time compared to my last visit. On my previous trip it seemed like a great big strip mall but this time it seemed more like a city, closer to something designed by someone playing Sim City. One of the best parts of driving through that state was watching the sunset. The mountains in Colorado usually block the sunset but that doesn't make the sunsets here any less beautiful or spectacular, just different. Out in Oklahoma I could watch the sun's ass grow fat as it neared the horizon. The western horizon was extraordinarily red with a golden halo right above the redness. Had I the gumption to stop and watch then I would've waited to see if I could be lucky enough to catch the flash of green. Anyway I was a man on a mission and it'd be startlingly rude (opposed to unbelievably rude of coming down unannounced and ruining someone's plans) to stop off and watch. A while ago Jaybird and I went to take one of his friends to his friend's parents house to feed their cats. This excursion was eating away at precious time because we had to head all the way up to Monument and Jaybird, maribou and I were going to see From Hell. On the way back from helping his friend do his chore I marvelled at the dark skies like an east coast city boy. Jaybird was kind enough to oblige and stop off on the side of the road to let me gaze upon the glory of the vault of heaven which laid hidden to me because of the obsequious light pollution. Maybe Jaybird was thinking "Yeah, eat that up. You won't get a view like this back in Jew Nersey." Sadly by the time we realized how late it was getting and arrived at maribou's work she was all cranky because we were late and she saw a drug deal go down nearby which freaked her out. Needless to say we missed the first few minutes of the movie but it's no big loss. Okay, I got off topic. There are bats in New Jersey but they are few and far between from what I can remember when I lived there. Out here in Colorado Springs I see bats quite often late at night since birds aren't flapping about in the twilight with that strange flapping motion that's more desperate than graceful as if the bats have a genetic memory that they're not supposed to fly and they're doing their damnedest to spite gravity and nature by taking wing in the realm once exclusive to bugs and birds. Oklahoma had something pretty damned cool along the Cimmaron turnpike. Under the overhang, another cool phrase, of a bridge were seemingly hundreds of furry fist-sized bodies hanging on the concrete soaking up the final scarlet rays of the sunset. Never in my life have I seen such a sight nor would I have ever expected to see so many bats in an artificial place. Good thing that I wasn't walking underneath because bats have an annoying habit of immediately taking a shit and piss once they wake up for the evening. Tulsa's outskirts are lovely at twilight time and I got to see fireworks being shot off over at Bear's Glen (Glen Paw? I don't remember the exact name and I don't have my road atlas handy to confirm the name) and the water was very lovely under the starlight but what little I did see was seen driving ninety miles an hour. Considering how everything's illegal in Oklahoma coupled with the fact that the speed limit signs say "75 MPH, 50 MINIMUM, NO TOLERANCE" I was showing some restraint in my driving. Eventually I rambled my way through some heavy construction in Tulsa towards my roundabout destination. I knew where Devo lived or whereabouts but I wasn't about to really make a big point of showing up on her doorstep since I know she isn't usually inclined to give out her home address and telephone number but she recently sent me a letter which had her current address on the envelope. It was my way of playing it cool and trying not to futz around looking for her street and apartment complex wasting more of her precious time waiting for me when she was expected at a party. At a nearby gas station I phoned her and told her that I was in town and not very far away from her place. Seconds after hanging up I ripped off my old shirt and put on the clean one that had been baking in my backpack all day, burned my mouth with listerine and smoothed out my hair. We went to IHOP to talk. The waiter kept coming around to see if we were ready, I think I was polite and cheerful enough despite the hollow gnawing feeling inside of me. I stated my peace, stating my spiel from the night before to her then she said her peace. She asked me what I thought love was and what I ultimately wanted of her. Devo told me that she doesn't know what she wants from life right now and stayed on that tack. I think I might've read into her telling me how she didn't know what she wants right now as if it was her way of saying that in the future once all her ducks were in a row that she'd come to me. We finally ordered some breakfast food which I barely touched and I left a big tip because we were sitting there so long doing nothing but talking in addition to asking the waiter to come back later when we were ready to order food. Devo took me back to her place to meet her kitties and I told her how I was going to be leaving soon. She told me that I better stop off somewhere if I start to fall asleep or get tired driving back to Colorado. She left for her party and I started back towards home. Rational spivak spoke up with his nasal Droopy voice, "You know she just said all that to keep you calm and from making a scene. You know it's true. You're a terrible piece of shit. You wrecked her entire night." going home Leaving Tulsa was a bit confusing since I knew I couldn't go back the way I came to the turnpike because some crane operator knocked over a whole bridge causing traffic havoc a week ago. Eventually I got my bearings and made a lucky turn which got me onto the turnpike again and began my drive back to Colorado. I'm so proud since I didn't have to ask Devo how to find my way back to the main road. Plus she had already left for her party and there would be no calls since there's no way to contact her on the road anymore. The irony of it all was that she drove halfway to the party and realized how tired she was then turned back home. She did offer to let me sleep at her apartment but I felt weird because Shawn was cranky for some reason and seemed to need his space, Devo wouldn't be there and I figured everything that could be said and done was said and done so I decided to head back to Colorado. If I had only stayed I'm sure I could've gotten one more hug from her or maybe a kiss. Serves me right. I peed for the first time in a day about thirty minutes after Devo left which left me relieved in the fact my body wasn't amazingly stressed from the drive, the heat and my state of mind. I was upset that I didn't get to use one of the empty gatorade bottles as a makeshift urinal which is something I was hoping I'd have to do out of necessity rather than just to do it. Soon I was roaring down the highways with Colorado in mind. By the time I crossed the border into Kansas I started to fail badly, the orange safety rods on the median were hypnotic and there was no horizon where I could rest my eyes and keep my brain active. Punching myself in the breastbone and shoulder only kept me awake so much and it only seemed to reinforce Devo's gentle nagging of "pull over and get some sleep if you get tired". I was disappointed in myself that I wasn't going to have the steam to drive all the way back to Colorado but in the end it all worked out for the best. Forty miles into Kansas and several past Wichita I finally found an exit that had motels which weren't full up for the night. Thankfully the second stop I made was the one that woke me up so I could make it but I knew the second wind would only last so long until I found a place to stay. My eyes were dry, wide open like a Japanese demon and probably red like radishes by the time I checked in and slept in air conditioned comfort. Seven hours later I was awake and back on the road but taking it a little more leisurely on the return since I wasn't expected by anyone for any reason. When I did speed it was just to pass or cruising at eighty because after the previous day's speed my brain kept thinking seventy was grandma speed. Of course the drive through Kansas became progressively worse because the radio stations started to fade into static with the heat becoming unbearable and inhumanly savage. By the time all hope was lost I was reminded of this sideshow place about fifty or sixty miles from the Colorado border that has the world's largest prairie dog, five legged steer, baby pigs to pet and all other kinds of neat things but the closer I got to Colorado the more I thought that I could actually make it back in time to see the Vengeance PPV. I started making up more driving games for myself like "hit this mile marker by this time" or doing mileage math in my head to get a rough estimate of my arrival in Colorado Springs. If I won my games, using my magical thinking, I'd make it back in time for wrestling and gorging myself on all things that have the prefix of "buffalo". Of course the idea of eating was just an idea, not an urge or a desire because I was far from being hungry. Seconds after crossing the border I stopped on the side of the road to take pictures of the "Welcome to Colorful Colorado" sign, a distant picture of the "Leaving Colorful Colorado", a self-portrait and one of my car. I finally got a chance to take the picture I knew I should've taken when I first arrived but I was in a zone that wouldn't let me stop until I had arrived at my destination. After futzing around the exits for Route 24 I found which one I had to take towards Colorado Springs and drove as carefully as possible. By carefully I mean avoiding the police, not looking out for my personal safety since I was passing on the left and almost playing chicken a few times while trying to pass people who don't realize that sixty five miles an hour means sixty five miles an hour not doing fifty and enjoying the god damned scenery. Speaking of the scenery I saw something that looked like a crater but most likely it's a former water hole that some ambitious farmer dug out in the nineteenth century rather than being a cosmic strike from the distant past. Once the Springs was in spitting distance I saw the cloud shrouded mountains rising from behind the horizon. The whole city was cloudy and dark but shafts of light from the heavens fell around the city limits. Over to my right was a piece of sky so very blue that I imagined it was just an upside down lake floating in the sky with a cloudy shore and if I was inclined I could jump so far and high up to splash into it and swim away from the earth and all the fatness and hamburgers. Jesus it's beautiful out here. Like around sunset when the sun's only a fist's breadth from the edge of the mountains and there's mist hanging over the foothills you can see each outline of the hills getting progressively lighter until there's Pike's Peak almost faded into the sky. Every fold, every crevice, every surface defined in that glow making me imagine the mountains are just the bedsheets of some giant which have fallen and folded around the giant's body. The other notable and admirable thing about Colorado is once I was thirty miles within its border everything was so damned cool and comfortable compared to the furnace that was Kansas. Poor bastards. Soon I was on Powers and then on Platte and minutes later I was pulling into the Citadel parking lot with three minutes to spare for wrestling. Yes, I stunk to high heaven. I ordered as much as I could eat and wolfed it down in about fifteen minutes then I remembered I promised to tell Devo that I arrived safely in Colorado so she wouldn't worry about my well being. Devo heard about how I actually stopped to rest, got a semi-decent night's sleep and got to wrestling with a few seconds to spare. I know that if she hadn't have suggested stopping somewhere for the night I wouldn't have and pushed myself to the limit until I was a smear in Kansas or comatose in front of the Birdhouse. Mind you I was troubled by visions of my final drive being my Final Drive. This was mostly drawn from dreams where I dreamt about being at the Overlook Hotel, seeing my sister and Rebeka, hanging out with the Birds where Jaybird's showing off his connections in Colorado and my final drive towards the dark mountains where I knew I would die. Lots of little things were omens of death like my desire to just push myself as hard as I could until I broke or defied the odds. Of course when I would think about these visions and portents it would bother me but when I'd feel the steering slip or the car veer too much to one side or holy gee whiz I cut it a little short passing that car which is now a mile behind me didn't phase me one bit. I figure this comes from having a feeling of control over my life when I was driving like that while I felt like there was no control in my life dealing with more intangible things or handling emotions or relationships. Also death would most likely provide a well deserved respite from dealing with emotions of any stripe. After I told all of this to Jaybird he was pleased that my money situation wasn't dented from being impulsive, the fact that I made a point of coming back to watch the Vengeance PPV at Hooters even though I left before the triple threat title bout at the end but he's going to be patient to do any "I told you sos" followed by one of his patented speeches. whatever Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. So fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.   i don't belong here tired I am burnt out. Sure, it's all my doing because I was doing things that I wanted for myself rather than things I needed for myself. For example there's the drive last weekend. After going upstairs for Smackdown on Thursday I went out for about two hours because I wanted to hang out and see Siggy. Shit, Thursday night I had no quiet down time at all, going from work to the DMV to make sure they fixed their problem with my documents, went straight to the supermarket for lots of beverages and watermelon, home to shower and check my email, ran a small errand then came back for wrestling. About fifteen minutes after getting home (bathroom in that time) I went out and tried to learn the Buffy card game but I was tired with a beer and a stout in me and came home after midnight. Friday left me feeling wiped after work, cranky if you will, and I slept from four to mere seconds into eight o'clock thanks to the thunderstorm. Now it's time for Farscape, pondering food, reading way too much into the fact of not seeing someone at all online, wondering if I should go see Austin Powers at the Chapel Hills mall (not the Citadel because I always get those screwed up, I have crossed wires that mix up words that start with the same character) and if this night will ever fucking end. Jaybird says I'm high maintenance. I'm starting to believe this but part of me still maintains I'm not entirely high maintenance I just need certain things for support, reassurance and the like so I just do not give a shit about the stuff in my life that gnaws at me while I don't want it to gnaw at me. He said that I've been around the United States but have I ever been to Haakon Studebaker. Yes, I have and I'm tired of it and I need to get out. So redecorate and make it someplace you like and can come home to after your travels. That just smacks of "love yourself before others can love you". Humans seem to have a love of all things which are catch twenty twos especially when it is affecting someone else. Sure it's an idea considering my current state of mind. I'm tired of going after other people, I'm tired of chasing people down for company or love or anything. I'm old and my legs are tired from chasing rainbows. Haakon Studebaker just wants people to come to him. Unfortunately no one does and experience screams "You're a schmuck! They like the attention but they're not giving you the attention! You're too fucking easy!" And when I have sit down to wait for whomever will come to me I end up feeling antsier and antsier until I go out once again because I know they will not come. I'm going to clean up my room on Saturday. Jesus that sounds so fucking childish now that I'm living on my own. What makes it childish? The sequence of letters being a cliche or the fact I let my room get to this point. Of course my room gets to this point because I know no one will come and visit so what's the reason in cleaning up? Cleaning the place in hopes that it'd be some sort of ritual to summon visitors. Right now I just want to kick something. stats Here's what I figured out about my web site. There are 870 pages, 489005 words, 2102262 characters with no spaces, 2582117 characters with spaces, 12385 paragraphs and 49363 lines. The big file is a bit more than two and a half megabytes and made up entirely of everything relating to this online diary. I left out Crowley's Liber al Legis and The Story of Your Life because it really has nothing to do with what I've written in my estimation. Liber al Legis was dictated to Crowley way back in the olden days by Aiwass. The Story of Your Life is a science fiction story about heptapods, which I discovered after the fact of creating the neologism of "heptapod". It's a decent story too which pleased me. weed There's one thing that really should be making me go out more is the fact lately Colorado Springs has been canvassed by liberal looking folks asking for signatures on a petition. When I first encountered them at the mall I was too preoccupied to even approach but I am curious about their agenda. I'm sure it's some pipe dream that has no realistic implementation BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE AND IF YOU DON'T SIGN YOU'RE MEAN. The only thing that would make me sign it is if it were about weed. Actually I think that will be the only reason I'll give when I refuse to sign a petition. "Is it about weed?" "Er, no." "No thanks." You see I know people who need a good nights sleep and the only thing which would help them in that regard is weed. Me? I've always been unimpressed with marijuana. Oh wait I just smell like a hippie and maybe my mood changed slightly? playing god I played god on Friday. While sitting on the stairs behind work I discovered many ants attacking a pringles chip that had sought freedom. The ants had covered it, making it rock back and forth in their attempt to break the salty calories down into something feasible for ants. I shook the ants off the chip, crushed the chip into little pieces then watched them carry back pieces twice their size to the nest. Several were trying to climb up the stairs and kept falling down so I grasped the chip and lifted them to the level the desired and watched the myrmidons scramble off into the rocks without a second thought or any form of thanks to me. I really didn't care because I felt such joy helping those red ants. They were big for ants but not like the fat bodied black ants from back east. Their heads were like little pincers forged with the sole purpose of causing pain and tearing things apart, their thorax and abdomen was about the same size and markedly smaller than the head making them swift little fellows. Content at my act of kindness I fell asleep beneath the sun resting my head on the Call of Cthulhu sourcebook and letting the sunshine burn away my misgivings and frustrations. Christ, I hope I don't get skin cancer. Well it's late, I'm tired and probably going to see Goldmember on Sunday. I did think of something funny earlier when I was out with Siggy where Osama bin Laden is akin to Dr. Evil with his son Scott bin Laden. "Oh just you wait until you face our Palestinians with (makes the quote marks) lasers on their heads." Now I have Rocky Horror stuck in my head and I think I'm going to fall asleep watching and singing along with that movie. Farewell. seven twenty nine two thousand and two Austin Powers was mediocre, really mediocre but it maintained the mediocrity so one didn't leave the theater thinking "That sucked" or "They were trying too hard" with a few home run jokes but the rest falling flat on the screen. I'm just glad that I saw it for free otherwise I would've felt irritated. The fact that Junior Mints were two dollars and thirty five cents was a fucking surprise. Well I'm bothered by people I am acquainted with who come across as everyone's friend. I'd go more into detail about it but two things weigh heavy on my mind. One person is going to think that I'm talking about that person and their personal philosophies. Secondly someone will go off on my self-esteem. I'm just talking in generalities. It's important to me to know that I'm in some 'inner circle' or that I'm someone's best friend bar none because it feels good. I'm an egomaniac. I know that I am the best person but unfortunately that bravado, confidence or dare I say self esteem folds faster than Superman on laundry day at the slightest feeling of rejection or being treated as an also-ran. Either way my feelings are irrelevant because they do not impact anyone else but myself. filler I'm a sheep. Baa. Look at my lame sex life. Mostly I'm posting this out of spite to my sister because she's emailed me telling me how she doesn't read my diary because of the one or two "adult themed" dreams I have posted on my site and I told her in email to read this one entry to find out what a Not Fun Thing my trip to Tulsa was a weekend or so ago. The other part is just to get angry at myself for never being attractive or loved or lusted after enough for most or any of the following things to never happen to me or when they did happen they happened late. Very late in my opinion. Had sex? Yes Had oral sex? Yes Had anal sex? Yes Had more than positions in one session? I think so Devoted a whole day to sex? Yes Had noise complaints from neighbors during a sex session? Do the people in the other hotel room mimicing the sounds badly count? Received open praise for sexual technique? Not really Written an erotic story? Yes Fallen or lost balance during sex? I don't remember Brought partner to climax using only hands? Yes Brought partner to climax using only mouth? Yes Had sex while totally dressed? No Had sex while standing up? No Erotically licked feet or sucked toes? Yes Had sex during a "monthly visit"? Yes Used whipped cream/soft chocolate erotically? No Used ice erotically? Yes Used hot melted wax erotically? No Shaved your pubic hair? No Used a sex toy? No Used a vibrator? No Used an inanimate object (bottle, candle, hairbrush, etc.)? No Used an inanimate object while havingsex with a partner? No Obtained money or a favor for sex? No Paid or granted a favor for sex? No Given sex in sympathy? No Had sex with a virgin? Yes Ever cheated on someone? Yes Had sex with someone years older/younger than you? Yes Had sex with a teacher? No Had sex with a boss? No Had sex with a relative? No Had sex with two members of the same family? No Had sex with twins? No Had homosexual sex? No Had sex with a pet? No Had sex with a farm animal? No Had sex with someone the same day that you met them? Yes Had sex with someone whose name you didn't know? No Had sex with someone you never spoke to/spoke different languages? No Had more than 10 sexual partners? I think so Had more than 100 sexual partners? No Had two separate sexual partners within 2 hours? No Had a menage-a-trois? Never and I don't think I will have the opportunity Had group sex (more than 3)? No Participated in a swap/swinging club? No Had two regular partners at the same time? No Had sex in a public place? Yes If so, where? A church, the bathroom at therapy and a park Had sex outdoors in broad daylight? Yes Had sex on the roof of a building? No Had sex in a stationary car? Just a few blowjobs Had sex in a moving car? No Are you a member of the mile high club? I doubt the opportunity will ever arise Had sex outdoors at night? No Had two sexual partners at the same time unaware of each other? No Had sex in the host's bedroom while a day guest (party/social visit)? No Had sex in the host's bedroom while an overnight guest? No Had sex in a public room while an overnight guest (kitchen etc.)? No Had sex at your office or other work area? I've jerked off in the bathroom Met partner during work hours to have sex? No Had sex in a public restroom? Yes, see #50 Had sex on public transportation? No Had sex in a dark theatre? No Had sex in the water? No Had sex in an elevator? No Had sex in a cemetery? No Had sex in a store dressing room? No Used alcohol to lower resistance to sexual advances? No Allowed yourself to be felt up by a stranger? No Looked at a nude magazine? Yes Looked at an explicit magazine (actual sex acts)? Yes Seen a live stripper? Yes Seen a live sex show? No Watched someone having sex without their knowledge? Yes, I would sneak around motels on Route 22 when I was fifteen and peep on people Showered with a partner? Yes Flashed someone (breasts, genital, mooned)? Yes Streaked with a group of six or more? No Stripped for someone? No Stripped for a group of or more? No Participated at a nude beach or nudist camp? No Been the only nude person in a group of or more? No Played strip poker (or a similar game involving nudity)? No Showered while someone watched? Yes Masturbated? Yes Masturbated while someone watched? Yes Masturbated for a group of three or more people? No Masturbated covertly in public? I don't think so Had sex while you knew someone was watching? No Been walked in on while having sex? No Walked in on someone having sex? Yes though not really walked in but was in the same room while they did it but I didn't see anything. Had phone sex? Yes Watched a porno film with a sexual partner? Once Been the photographer for a nude photo? No Been photographed nude? Yes Been photographed having sex? No Been videotaped having sex? No Watched a regular sexual partner having sex with someone else? No Role-played a sexual situation? No Taken part in transvestism? No Ever a blindfold during sex? No Ever handcuffs during sex? No Inflicted pain during sex? Yes Received pain during sex? Yes Used nipple clips? No Used sex dice? No Used whip, chains, cat-o-nine tails, etc. during sex? No Received an electric shock during sex? No Drawn blood (scratched, bit)? Yes Used auto-erotic strangulations? No Pierced your genitals or nipples? No Continued sex until raw or bleeding? I don't remember, doubtful Do you do dead people? I'm a terrible lay so anyone who screws me is participating in necrophilia time is dragging I was told that number seven and one hundred and thirteen of that big list posted last night were incorrect. I'm just glad the rest is true like forty four and fifty four. Someone else told me that I might be wrong regarding foreign objects and hot wax. Either way I feel inferior, left out, undesirable and miserable thinking about what I haven't done and will never get the opportunity to do. Anyway why would anyone want the fucking baggage of me. Anyway this week is fucking dragging and my mood was killed leaving work thinking "Tomorrow's Thursday then it's Friday and whee!" until I realized it was only Tuesday. I hope that August does not drag like July. Last week was one of the better weeks that I've had out in Colorado Springs but I'm sure that it's not going to continue or anything.

the love equation is a highly unscientific formula where one counts the amount of times one says "i love you" (a) unbidden to the other person (b) to the number of times the other person (b) says "i love you" unbidden to the individual (a). if a is greater than b then a is a god damned schmuck who's chasing rainbows. if b is greater than a, a has it pretty damned sweet or is a right bastard in not reciprocating those feelings. if a and b are equal then there's something good. It doesn't have to work with just I love yous but the little things people do for each other or the big things.