January 2001
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I had a dream the other night where Malyss phoned me because Claws was hurt in the road and they had to put Claws to sleep. I was very sad and also angry that Claws was put to sleep. When I arrived at Malyss' place she was very sad and I gave her a big hug, she shrunk in my arms until she became Claws who then molded into my t-shirt and my body until I was only holding myself. I cried.
I spent New Year's Eve sitting out and looking at the stars in a quiet place with some driving around listening to "Across the Universe" over and over which made me long to get away from this house and see the country or just to rise up from my body and see the stars firsthand rather than their ancient, dim light from the surface of this wee planet.
As for today, I just have to do the usual upload of these pages without the anti-robots meta tag, have atomz.com create a database then upload the pages with the anti-robots tag. Fun.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slither while they pass, they slip away Across the Universe. Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind, possessing and caressing me. Jai Guru Deva Om. Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world. Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world. Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes, they call me on and on Across the Universe. Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box, they tumble blindly as they make their way Across the Universe. Jai Guru Deva Om. Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world. Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world. Sounds of laughter, shades of earth are ringing through my open ears inciting and inviting me. Limitless, undying love, which shines around me like a million suns, and calls me on and on Across the Universe. Jai Guru Deva Om. Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world. Nothing's gonna change my world, nothing's gonna change my world.
I updated the search engine for this site to include December's diary entry along with the additional pages which were added to this site. There are sixty indexed pages with 173,272 words for a total of 1,062,013 bytes. 24,798 word endings, no synonyms and 16,119 homonyms were included when the index was finished. In November there were fortysomething pages which were indexed and I would figure markedly fewer words. The december00.html document weighs in at 101k, just a bit smaller than november00.html which is the largest entry so far at 112k.
Over at diarist.net I'm ranked 132nd and that's only because I voted for myself today. It seems my ruse to have my site come across as some fluffy teenaged girl's diary to get votes doesn't work and folks aren't clicking on the vote for me link in the right hand column. I don't vote for myself either but I don't vote for anyone else. Here's the goofy banner that would be displayed if I were in the top 100 of the diarist.net list. Here is the real banner for my site. I got june00.html's HTML to validate, just working on the HTML for October so that validates. The problem I'm having is with the <EMBED> tag and having the page validate. Email me, or MOOmail me if you can point me somewhere (I checked w3.org and found nothing yet) or help me with this problem.
I've been reading the hard sci-fi book that Jaybird and maribou sent me last month, just picking and choosing stories since it's an anthology. Was listening to "Across the Universe" last night but it's not stuck in my head now so I'm not listening to anything now. I'm hoping to get my life in order as well as rake in cash. Money's important.
Been thinking about new characters to play in Champions when the Tuesday game begins again and if Tim does decide to run another Champions campaign. Right now things look like he'll be running some Legend of the Five Rings campaign that will encompass our gempukku ceremonies. My character ideas seem to have the same structure to them, a person who has a vehicle. Character-wise, they're different. One character is a guy who became the world's richest man because he successfully sued the gray aliens for abducting and impregnating members of his family over the course of decades. Being 1/16th gray alien and suffering from a genetic condition that normally kills gray aliens, he's a cut above normal humans but he hates his alien side. Currently he's being hunted down by a faction of the now bankrupt gray alien homeworld seeking to exact revenge upon this hybrid for ruining them in galactic court. He'll have ten points in wealth, some mental powers or at least a mental sense, martial arts and a really nice spaceship which is capable of flying in an atmosphere.
The other character is a descendant of sentient dinosaurs who left Earth after the "big one" hit. I don't believe in the asteroid impact theory but that's neither here nor there because that theory is convenient to me in this instance. For millions of years the dinosaurs created an empire which encompassed a decent amount of space (fuck you if you want parsecs/lightyears), enslaving or eating the weak and generally getting on with their lives after thinking they lost their homeworld for good. Over the course of millennia, their empire shrunk but they kept their presence and power to keep folks from fucking with them. Recently they came into contact with humans via Obsidian's race (a race of large, black golem types. most famous of them on earth is obsidian) and they discovered that their homeworld was not obliterated and turned into a wasteland like Mars after its great northern impact.
All thoughts of taking back the homeworld were put down by their divine emperor who stated that these humans would bring about their destruction if dinosaurkind decided to make war with them. The dinosaurs also admired the way the humans made war upon each other unlike other races which were content to instantly surrender at the first sight of warships appearing in their skies or simply hide peacefully around obscure suns. My character would be a dinosaur who is a former mercenary who is a trader who acts as a middle man for humans when dealing with non-earthborne races. He'd have a small personal transport, natural weapons, armor and stuff.
I don't have the characters written up, points-wise, but at least I have personalities down and motivations which are important to creating a character rather than some stat-monster who dominates the game with extraordinarily poor RP. My friend Brian squeezed that into my head the first time I expressed an interest in learning the HERO gaming system.
Netscape sucks so much fucking cock when it comes to stylesheets. Even 4.75, not just 6. I have a tiny page elsewhere on the internet and the text is supposed to be 200% normal size and it is being displayed tiny, then huge then somewhere in the middle and the paragraphs are all the same class. Go figure. Right now I'm too lazy to download IE (or copy the file from the laptop and install it here) or learn how a new browser works. Can't be that difficult because it is a Microsoft product, one that was ported over to Macs and it definitely has to be easy since Macs are all about being easy. I wonder if that goes for female Mac users.
For the curious, here are more stats for my webpage. Last night I also rocketed up to #86 at diarist.net. Someday I'll break into the next category of 50-75 rankings. I also found a free counter for my site except I don't see it showing up on my page and the HTML it gave me is a bit tricky. It almost validates but to make it validate I have to remove a </A> tag and I think that might screw with things. Tried loading it with and without but I still don't see the counter. I'll dick with it later on tonight. This is a list of my diary archives from biggest to smallest:
- Nov'00
- Dec'00
- Oct'00
- Sep'00
- May'00
- Aug'00
- Jul'00
- Nov'99
- Dec'99
- Jan'00 & Feb'00
- Jun'00
- Mar'00
- Apr'00
- Sep'99 & Oct'99
I wish I knew why I was more prolific in autumn this year than in earlier entries. One reason that comes to mind is the fact that I was really depressed in late fall of 1999 and constantly fighting with Kinja. I hate fighting. Being a big assed pussy not wanting to mention anything for the sake of preserving Malyss' feelings and being ordered or guilted or just of my own free will not discussing the long, tedious, life-draining discussions that were for naught and always left me feeling like complete shit afterwards even though I would nod and say that I was feeling okay about the outcome.
Maybe it was just depression that was keeping me from filling up these columns with anything.
Maybe I was just new to keeping a journal and I didn't know what I wanted out of this journal.
Not that I have any idea what I want out of this journal right now but I will continue to update it for as long as I draw breath or have internet access. Part of this journal is for my friends, letting them know the things I don't talk about with them because I figure the subjects are boring or I'm repeating myself even though I haven't said a word about a subject. The other part of this journal is the exhibitionism of having others read through my entries and think "What a pussy", "Hehe, I can't wait to post this on *anon", "This isn't the same dickhead from LambdaMOO", or even worse... <diaryspivak>"He's just like me in a way." and folks feel better because of it since they're not alone in how they feel.</diaryspivak>
Sure it'd be nice to have many readers who actually email me now and again but this page is still about having daily content and good HTML. I get so irritated when I am stupid and don't use google and find a site that looks really cool but it ends up being some under construction site with some interesting information that is three years old.
My father handed me a deck of new tarot cards last night and he asked me to wrap them up and keep them under my pillow because he will be doing a reading for me sometime in the near future. Last night's dreaming really didn't have much of a thread to it but jumbled pieces do stand out in my mind. First and foremost is the pokemon section where I was training a ditto and when I gave it a meowth to eat, the ditto evolved. Another part of the dream dealt with having sex with someone while we were both kneeling and how I was trying to give a magnitude ten orgasm (the dream would actually flash numbers as orgasms occurred) but it just would never quite make it to fruition. The other events really don't stand out in my mind but they seemed to be astronomy related, not big explosions in the sky but just watching the stars roll slowly overhead like a time exposure without the streaks.
Oh yeah, last night I used MS Comic Chat and got into undernet's #jerkcity chat room. Someone called Rands_ was in there but it was probably a bot but I checked their identity and a quick whois on jerkcity.com and this other domain listed in jerkcity.com's information and put two and two together. I was really in the #jerkcity room with the Rands (using an underscore).
Seems that I've gotten ahead of myself again with my diary entries.
This will be the last time this week that I'll mention voting in my diary. Please vote for me because you either like my page, like me or want to see a male diary make it to number one. Whenever I look at the top ten rankings they're all female pages. Something's fishy here. Maybe women are better diarists. Maybe not. If I get to number one, I'll remove the vote thing and stop using the diarist.net/clix. Promise. Even though I'm close to this diary I figure my content is better'n the ones in the top ten.
As for diaries that I read: I read GreyDruid's diary every so often, I look at Wellsie's diary but she doesn't update it daily so I fall behind. Sometimes I check out Rebeka's diary, make sure that you turn off images and javascript before going there because it loads slowly on a dialup connection and it's a geocities site. I view Devo's diary regularly because of the obvious and the fact that she's always busy or keeping odd hours that chances of running across her online are slim at best.
Jeez, are there enough links in this entry yet?
The past few nights I've had anxiety and I think that it stems from a strange sort of hypochondria. Best way that I can explain it is using one of those old 1960's sitcom gags where someone is describing the symptoms of a disease and the person hearing it starts coughing when coughing is mentioned, feels feverish when fever is mentioned and so on and so on. Brian is having a rough time right now because his girlfriend wants to have an open relationship and Brian isn't too keen on the idea because he's sown his wild oats, plus he's feeling really deep things for her. At least she's not itching to jump in the sack with someone, she just wants that option and he can't handle it. I've taken some of his worries and because they have sorta the same resonance as my worries (and because we are so close) my anxiety level has been cranked up for no fucking reason.
I am not Brian.
I am not in his situation or anywhere near it.
I do understand this and that is why I don't want to discuss my anxiety because in my mind I know that I'm being a broken record and the fact that I'm even engaged in this anxiety/navel gazing means that I truly have no life right about now. Sure talking about stuff with people can help, I'm waiting for my therapist to call me back, but this standard that I've set for my own emotional behavior is something I will not cross because every time I have crossed it before Bad Things (tm) have occurred hence self-consciousness. Some of it is just worries that folks don't like me as intensely as I like them. All of this is just in my head and I realize it has no place in reality. At least I have this demon in a half-nelson rather than it pinning me.
Only I can get myself some peace of mind which is why I'm doing less on the computer, except for work, and trying to get myself caught up with real life which has been passing me by a whole lot lately. I've even started a chart of things to do each day (push ups, sit ups, walk into town, etc.) as well as goals for the month (go out and socialize in a non-gaming situation, clean room, clean car, etc). All of this stuff is in hopes of making the days pass by quickly because right now my anxiety is making the days draaaaag in an excruciating way.
I do deserve the good things.
I am not poisoning or ruining those good things by being myself.
Entries like this are not self-destructive.
I just have to remember those two lines, even if it is half-hearted in the way that I wrote them.
Here's a list of the words and phrases that folks have searched for on my website.
- 1 for "cholesterol"
- 1 for "dongs"
- 1 for "mystery"
- 1 for "snow"
- 1 for "which one is the guy with six dots on his head"
- 1 for "sperm"
- 1 for "top 10 searches"
Fragments of last night's dreams. I was in the kitchen and in the drawer closest to the stove was an invisible light that would blind me if anyone looked at it. It was akin to a UV LED which is invisible but will cause serious eye damage or blindness. I tried looking at the drawer several times, looking away or closing my eyes so tight that they hurt but I don't recall why I was going in there. Also there was someone there who had eyes like that invisible light coming from the drawer whom I didn't look at directly. Much later as I awoke, the drawer no longer had the invisible light so I decided to rummage around. Amid the various cooking utensils and such I found a small carved boat with a pole for the sail. The boat felt fragile.
Other pieces of the dream were kind of like Raising Arizona in that they involved some big person who was more like a force of nature than a man going around with a shotgun except his motivation was to steal a TV from this ramshackle house that looked like a piney shack or some hovel in the middle of Appalachia. There was no TV in the house and he blew everyone away. Inside he, and a few people who joined him, searched around only to find a baby wearing a Noh mask (or whatever they are called, it was a mask like the one worn by the torturer at the end of Brazil). I tried to light a fuse and ran out into the woods knowing the house would explode, but it never did.
Last piece was some strange bit about an enormous golden cobra about the size of a 747 who dwelled over molten gold in a deep black and red veined cavern. I tried sliding down its back but always fell and ended up on the ledge beneath the ledge where the serpent found a foothold to keep from falling into the molten gold below.
Finally, I'm listening to Otherside by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and I'm going to start rereading Watchmen tonight.
Today wasn't a good dreaming day. I had dreams but I don't recall them much because I did not have good stretches of sleep. Went to bed near five, woke up around seven, went back to sleep around ten, slept in until about four where I got up and took care of the happy day things. I recall there was some sort of storyline going on that dealt with something I might've seen on TV ages ago along with the usual straggling bits here and there but they were pushed out of my mind because I woke up all horny and things. In a bit of retrospect, I think the dream took place in a hotel or someplace with the aura of being a hotel.
Today was a boring day. If it can be called interesting, I did the stuff I didn't do yesterday which is good but I didn't do the stuff I did yesterday though I meant to do them today. Maybe tomorrow I'll take care of myself and my exercises and whatnot. I did get myself seltzer to start weaning myself off of soda. I'm making meatloaf tomorrow which should last the weekend.
I'm frustrated at myself because I can't get my ass in gear to actually start working. Either I'm not finding a handhold so I can begin my climb upwards or I'm just stuck in a loop. Maybe I have a short attention span.
Looks like this'll be a short entry.
I was at a biker/woodstock kind of fair down in south jersey. I was down there with my father along with his friends and I was mortified because I wanted to be down there by myself, even if being down there by myself meant I'd be spending time alone. I kept my time by taking care of my frogs which I brought along. Seems that they had tadpoles and soon enough I had three aquariums with frogs inside. The original pair, Pinky and Cartman, in the original, another set of frogpoles (they still had tails and some tadpole characteristics) in another and some more frog than frogpoles in the last aquarium which was more like a litter box because it was filled with round green rocks with some dead grass in it. I walked around in the shadows beneath the trees at the fair and ran across people that I remembered vaguely from high school who were talking animatedly about things they remembered from high school and I listened but didn't remember anything they spoke of.
The scene shifted and I was back in a high school classroom that was more like my original high school rather than the one I graduated from. Everyone was singing in the classroom except me, I just covered my ears and stared straight ahead at the desk where I found an issue of WeirdNJ that I stared at hoping I'd get so interested in it that I couldn't hear anything around me. Before long, I was at the water fountain getting a drink and Principal Skinner came along and said "Hello Bart" to me and opened up his locker which was bulging. A flood of water came out and washed him away. I ran. Back at the biker/woodstock fair dinner was being served. I tried looking for a motorcycle to ride to escape, I wanted to go over to Malyss' place but I couldn't find anything even though I was told there was a bike I could use down by this abandoned bus. Walking back towards the area where we camped out I saw a table being prepared for dinner. A big bowl of spaghetti that some guy was filling with mustard. Lots of other food that I wouldn't touch after I saw what they did to the spaghetti. I kept my head down and went over to the gas pumps where I decided I'd get some gas in a container and have fun lighting fires. There were a pack of retards over there and they were happy that they had biker names like "Idiot" and "Dipshit" which just made me angry. "Get some respect for yourself" I growled at them which really got them upset. I ran. I think I was followed but I got away.
While walking down towards one of the long forever country roads that would take me to Malyss' place I came upon an intersection where I saw a car with eight wheels doing a turn in the middle of the road. I wanted to set fire to it. No luck, but I did come across another white car (four wheels) that was idling on the corner of the crossroads. Some thin blonde woman with short hair in a blue jumpsuit was looking around. "Are you lost?" I asked, she nodded and she asked me how long this road was. "Goes on forever, pretty much" I replied but some girl from the woods came along and said it was only two miles. She got into her car and I joined her. The ride was long and bumpy going down the road, there were big craters and muddy spots with tire depressions filled with rainwater along with soggy mud. The car flipped and spun around a few times but we were never in danger. We ran a few red lights which I took as signs of approaching civilization and she turned into the driveway of this tiny house. I got out of the car really quickly and ran over to the front door and listened. She said that she had English as a second language and was still learning. I turned around to ask her what her first language was but she vanished, the strange blonde woman probably took a secret passage into the house.
I got the impression that I would get beaten up if I hung around at that place and started back down the road. I passed a few houses that were dark, some that were encircled by musical instruments (mostly drums) where I yelled hello just to say hello and reach out but nobody answered. The rest of the houses seemed abandoned even though they were in good repair. Much later, after backtracking through the muddy craters, swampy areas and tire tracks, it started to get snowy. Over to my left was a team of horses snuffing in the snow, big clouds of steam rising from their noses. I wanted to pet them but I couldn't bring myself to get close enough to even touch their sides. At one end of the horse team was a horse that had a face like a rabbit. The eyes were all squinted and the nose twitched like a rabbit along with having long ears that hung back where the mane should be but the rest of the body was decidedly equine. Turning to the other end of the horse team I saw the horses were facing a different way which confused me so I turned to the rabbit-horse and saw the horses facing that way. I looked down on the ground and lying in the clean snow were the heads of animals. Calves, dogs, rabbits, sheep, lions, all staring up into the white sky above without any blood underneath them. Some of the heads looked like they were just the faces hacked off. I left, trying to find my way to Malyss' to bum a ride off her to get back home because I wanted nothing to do with the folks down at the woodstock/biker fair. In retrospect I was irritated by the woodstock/biker fair because there weren't any of those "classy" broads who flash their tits because they actually exchanged oxygen for carbon dioxide. Okay, that's rough but I'll leave the sentence as it is.
One bit that filtered back into my head during the day was a part of my dream which took place in what I would assume is a hospital which specialized in sawing open the cheeks of people to expose the teeth. In the dream, the cheek skin was very tough and the doctors had to saw really hard through the skin only to peel back the skin and have it half come off like when you poorly peel an orange and there's still pulp stuck on the fruit inside. Another fragment was a bit scary, I had logged back into LambdaMOO. That's it. I'm not expecting to get back onto LambdaMOO for a while but the fact that I dreamt that I logged into LambdaMOO spooked me a little bit. Vivisection doesn't phase me but logging onto LambdaMOO disturbs me. Heh.
I reckon I only remembered that dream because I forced myself awake and into the chilly den to transcribe it as best as I could. Dreams are not a regular feature in this diary but I'm taking time out to write these down because my father asked me to because I'm sleeping with his deck of tarot cards under my pillows. Yeah, I'm repeating myself.
It's snowing outside. Did most of my exercises, walked to Foodtown for eggs and a can of potatoes, shovelled the driveway, the front walk and the back porch for the dogs. Last night I went food shopping and had an interesting experience. Got myself a lot of stuff and when I went to check out (the time was a quarter after) there was a whole line of customer-less cashiers.
I pulled into one and she turned off the "open" sign and told me to go to the other one. I went to the next and she said to go to number five. Ooookay. As I went down she waved over someone to check them out. I went to the next register and she shook her head. Pissed off, I snarled "What the fuck am I? The god damned baby Jesus and you're sending me to a fucking manger?" which got her all uppity. I finally found someone who wasn't shiftless and got checked out. Slowly.
What's the big deal? All those cashiers were black and their friend that they waved over to check out was black. The time was nowhere near being anything like break time (figuring that those occur on the half and whole hour). Fucking niggers.
Anyway, I went through VoyeurWeb today and here's a list of contris I looked at along with my comments. These links will not be live come February because that's the way VoyeurWeb is. You'll notice a change on my site where the titles and dates of my diary entries will be in white for easier navigation. I got that bit of advice from diarist.net from the few folks who came over to check my site out.
A movie version of From Hell will be released this spring. Whee! It's a comic by Eddie Campbell and Alan Moore about who might be Jack the Ripper. It's really good and I hope the movie doesn't suck.
Arggh, something's nagging in the back of my head to search my site to see if I've written about it before but it's just not coming into the light of day. So anyway I was reading more posts at diarist.net and something kept popping up as if it was some writing style that folks liked reading. Best example of it is how someone is able to notice all the different ways folks relate to each other at parties and the undercurrents between them. Maybe like the dinner party in Dune. Maybe not. Mostly that kind of observational skill has been ascribed to chicks more than guys. At least now I'm not feeling any urges to check out LambdaMOO. Okay, part of me wants to see what's going on with *stonecutters. Am I over quota? Are there no new messages? The only thing about Lambda that I've come across is the ArielSpryte page. For a second I was excited because the news items said she was living in New Jersey but stuff says she's living in Maryland. I thought it would be fun to make up flyers and throw them around the community.
Strange dream left me feeling disturbed last night and the thing is that it repeated itself, kinda. It wasn't true to the original playing of the dream in my head the first time around but the second showing was more of a refinement that decided to play on my fears. First time around it was about the internet being empty. I turned on ICQ, checked Yahoo Messenger and then MSN Messenger and nobody was online. Since I knew the only folks on MSN Messenger are my friends I called them and they were just fine, just they weren't near a computer nor did they feel compelled to get online.
The second time around was pretty much the same except the dream had an undercurrent of people are online and they're just not wanting to talk with me. I know the dream bothered me because my blankets were a mess as if I was wrestling something in my sleep. As usual I checked under my pillows and the deck was still there.
Last night's dreaming was for naught because once I awoke the dream had faded quicker than a morning fog in early June.
I'd like to thank GreyDruid and Malyss for letting me know that december00.html wasn't validating because of my use of & instead of & and I found out that some of the anchored links to dreams in december00.html were left open too. Curse my hubris!!! But now everything is fixed and should be working just fine and dandy. Just wish I knew what to do with october00.html so it validates. w3.org doesn't have anything on the <EMBED> tag that I can find.
One thing that I have learned from reading diarist.net's message board is the fact that most diarists don't hear back from their readers via email and only rarely through the guestbook. I'm sure the sites which get the most traffic have lots of guestbook entries and emails but that comes with the territory. Been trying to get my site listed but it's just not happening. I went to google.com and yahoo.com to get myself listed there. I doubt it will get me more hits but who knows. I've put off on having my site listed anywhere because I wanted to make sure that I'd be able to contribute daily to this diary rather than go all out and say LOOK! K-RAD WEB PAEG! READ ME and two weeks later this becomes yet another dead site that's long forgotten with a dipshit animated "under construction" .gif.
Heh, I just used blinking text for the second time on my page.
As for today, I'm just going to be taking down the decorations at my father's business and try to be in bed by midnight but not before uploading this entry.
First and foremost: ouch but it's hypnotic in a very strange, titillating way. The last two pics are a bit much but retain their hypnotic quality. I just wonder how breasts misbehave.
Snippets of dreams. First half of dreams were about a birthday party that was originally planned on being a goof and I bought a joke present (a book on how to dress up your dogs for Hallowe'en) and turns out the person stated something that kind of birthday wouldn't be appreciated before the party could happen. I ended up trying to find a new gift. Devotchka was at the party and that's when she revealed that she had gills. Her nostrils had healed over, she still had a nose, and she grew gills on her throat. The best analogy are the gills that Lyta Alexander had when she was taken in by the Vorlons except Devotchka's gills were a bit more dainty and less big slashes on each side of the throat but less obvious and such. Last part of the dream was about my sister helping Ben cross the street and me yelling at her to get him into this shopping cart I found since he can't be trusted off the leash. She refused and pushed him into the road and he started running and pooping. Lord, these were enormous log-like poops. Ben was long gone. My sister was sheepish and I was trying to find the big lug but he was still too fast to be caught. The entire dream took place around a local highway starting on the Kenilworth side and working its way across to the Union side.
Just another low-key day. I did find a decent .fla for a flash shopping and I'll be deconstructing that sometime this week along with harassing the photographer about the photographs I was promised back in December and hopefully get a hand from the other guy who I can draw upon for a hand even though he's not on this project so I can make everything work and life is happy and everyone lives happily ever raisin after.
My mood is swinging down but I attribute that to being sleepy (it's almost eleven) rather than attribute being moody to feelings or expectations or feeling ignored. I do feel good since I've been away from LambdaMOO. Yes, I did get to LambdaMOO's start screen and @who myself but I didn't log in as a guest despite what most folks might conjecture from the way other guests act.
Check this site if there is no new entry for my page and I didn't state anything about going away on vacation or taking a break from writing the diary. If there is no update at either site, I'm probably dead. The only images which will be uploaded at this site will be entry specific images. Come morning, I will try to upload the entry over at eccentrix.com because they've been a bit iffy lately.
This morning was fun. I got breakfast then went into my room to eat and then go back to sleep for a few hours. Whoops, my door was open a crack and being lazy I decided to throw a shoe at it so it would close all the way. Seconds later, my sister kicked down my door screaming at the top of her lungs at me wondering what the heck I was doing. I explained and she started going off on how Ben was having a seizure.
Ben's seizures are my fault? I caused it by my shoe hitting the door? Your screaming at me is helping him? She slammed my door for good measure, thanks, and then left for work. Or so I thought.
I sat beside Ben and patted him while he was unfreezing from his seizure and wiping his mouth and then went to pee. This was a good five or ten minutes. I see her finally pulling out of the driveway to head off to work. Seems that her precious car was having a seizure and it was more important than taking care of Ben. When he has a seizure there's nothing that can be done other than wait and make things peaceful. I hollered after her as she drove off at her hypocrisy and such then she came back! What kind of a fucking rush can you be in if you can stop and thunder across the street to have a confrontation with me? If she truly was in a rush, I hope she was late to work. The fag she works for probably wouldn't care though, good for her.
Here are the searches most of you made over the past week or so.
- 2 for "chuck"
- 2 for "devo"
- 2 for "goat balls"
- 2 for "super calif ragil istic expia lidoc ious"
- 1 for "90845"
- 1 for "atomz"
- 1 for "birthday"
- 1 for "boner"
- 1 for "cottage cheese"
- 1 for "definately"
- 1 for "dream"
- 1 for "expediant"
- 1 for "fuck"
- 1 for "happy"
- 1 for "hate"
- 1 for "headache"
- 1 for "jaybird"
- 1 for "jiggaboo"
Last night's dream. By me.
I was walking around a development back in my old neighborhood. This was the old neighborhood where I grew up. This development took over the old Evergreen Lodge which was a bar and some sort of white supremacist club too. It was torn down back in the late seventies. It was torn down to build the new housing development. A friend of mine lived there with his sisters. They were cute but never around. I only hung around him because he had good Atari cartridges.
There were these cool Cadillacs driving around. The Cadillacs had glass windows on the trunks and invisible doors. It looked like Wonder Woman's plane sometimes, except it was a Cadillac. There were only two Cadillacs driving around. The first one had this obviously Jewish lady in it. She kept trying to pick me up. I said no. My legs started to hurt so I got inside for a ride. She drove me around a dead end street a few times and dropped me off where I got in. This was in front of my friend's house, the friend that I had when I was a little kid and the 2600 was the 31337 gaming system. His sister drove up but she did not look like his sister and started hitting on me something fierce. She was the other person driving the futuristic Cadillac. We drove over to a gazebo where I was introduced to her unusual anatomy. Her pussy was definitely a pussy but it lacked the camel toes. I spread her and started eating her out trying to find her clit. I looked and found this tiny little pinprick. I started working that and she was very receptive to that kind of oral stimulation until she shouted "OW STOP" and I looked. It seems that her clit was an inch long white thread that resided inside her and I had completely worked it out into the open and it was no longer the crazy orgasmic thing I was doing before.
The rest of the dream was partially me waiting for her clit to return to its previous state and being in this very brightly lit, empty dining room for some reason unknown to me. Maybe the writer of my dream was out of ideas and felt that he could say, "Um, yeah. Listen. Do me a favor and just wait there until I have the final act written up. I'll have it done in a jiffy." only to let the clock run out and I wake up before any dream progresses. The Cadillacs were keen though.
Hurm, I think I should be lightening up on the whole dream thing or making a section that's exclusively for dreams. That would require a redesign and I don't plan on thinking about a redesign of this site until September.
Lately I've been wondering how feasible it would be to just pull up my roots and head out elsewhere for a change of pace for a few years. I'm motivated by the fact that I'll be around a bunch of new people, I could move to Oklaholma or Colorado and be around folks that I like but it would mean completely giving up weekly gaming and leaving my friends behind. Colorado because I could be the wacky neighbor to Jaybird and maribou's George and Weezy Jefferson. Oklaholma because it's in the middle of the country, Brian travels out there once a year to visit his relatives and Devotchka lives there.
After coming home from the game I realized something about myself. I'm afraid of reaching out or sharing anything that might be construed as intimate. Even something as simple as a hug. When everyone leaves the Tuesday game they get a hug or they're able to get one but I never reach out because inside I'm like reach out to me so I know it is okay but even then I'm sure I come across as cold or that I dislike people even though I don't dislike anyone there. I'm afraid of getting one of those body language things of "okay, this is too long" or not giving a good enough hug and still coming across as cold.
This goes onto other things in my life. I was always told by women they wanted nothing to do with me because of a lack of experience with sex back in the day. My first real time, I lied saying that I was experienced but the experience revealed my ruse and about a week later I was dumped under the idea that I'm not first in her life and how God is first in her life and it bothered her that God wasn't big in my life which is strange because the woman was doing everything and anything giving me the impression of not being a particularly holy or faithful (in the religious sense) person. Yeah, it was also the fact that I wasn't forthright but I didn't want rejection and the fact that she didn't want to put up with taking on someone with all the baggage that comes with it.
I get afraid of showing emotions or feelings or expressing myself because I'll come across as weak or become what I make fun of the most the whiners I see on LambdaMOO and in chat rooms and I don't want to be like that at all.
Right now I want to be held and told everything is going to be okay. That things are going to go my way.
Sometimes I feel like I am running on empty because I think that I give so much and get so very little in return. I burn very hot and very bright in my passion for the few people in my life. Whether near or far. That fire burns but I feel like I get very little for what I give out. Kindling, not a log, or crumpled up newspaper instead of kindling. I don't express myself or my wants or needs because I want things to come from people flowing from their hearts like water instead of being squeezed out like blood from a stone. Kinja squeezed my stone for blood and I do not want to be like she was when I was with her. With anyone. Not just one person.
Yes, I am needy. I want to be human. I want to be wanted and loved and cherished. Being human means being able to reach out and have someone, anyone, reach back. I don't want to be human and live in this self created Skinner box. It reminds me of that Zen koan of the young monk and the abbot. Aren't they all about young monks and abbots though?
"Master, I wish to be free." asked the young monk.
"What binds you?" asked the abbot in reply.
"Nothing" and with that, the young monk was enlightened.
I see it as being all about how the strongest chains one can forge are the ones forged by oneself. Just like, maybe not but I'll go ahead anyway, the chains Jacob Marley forged in life in A Christmas Carol.
There is no real reason why all this is coming out right now. Some of it is a whisper of a conversation that went badly with someone when they were drunk. Sure I'm alright with it now but the echo lingers in my head. I am overtired and have consistently had less than six hours of sleep for the past five days. My own fears of pushing people away or my pushing myself away and isolating myself. My realization when leaving the game tonight which is huge. Going over all those feelings and pushing them down in text rather than keeping them in my head and letting them moulder until they sprout again and make me feel bad. At least this way they're in the light of day and can be seen for all they are worth which I hope is nothing. Just wanting human contact with anyone other than my family. Outside of going online or talking with someone on the phone. Just to be held and told everything is going to be okay and when I am hugged and when it is said with complete truth from the heart flowing freely like water.
I called this entry Full Wolf Moon because last night was the full wolf moon and it jibed with something from Babylon 5 about the hour of the wolf which was on yesterday I think. The hour of the wolf being the hour of three to four a.m. where you wake up in the dead of night from all the little (or big) fears and apprehensions in life, dogged by them for hours. That is the wolf. I figure under a full wolf moon that the wolf would be able to do her job even better because she can see every little flaw that I can see which is usually hidden by the shadows of the moon and makes things feel a whole lot worse than they really are.
She is prowling around and her cubs are alongside her.
I wonder if this is one of those entries that GreyDruid reads and thinks I start rambling off on a tangent and he stops reading or just skims.
I wonder if this is one of those entries that would push people away because I'm being a big whiney diary_spivak instead of being confident or filled with self-esteem.
Fucking hell. How did I get to this place? I was feeling good before and now I'm on the edge of this pit.
I wonder if anyone would have read this far because now it is the end.
. . .
I was wiped from writing Tuesday night's entry and I guess I still am feeling that way.
I was going to say that I am a deer who runs with wolves to avoid being eaten by wolves but I know that I'm just a bear because deer lack my ferocity and if a deer is truly fierce it must be hollow. Mine goes straight down because it's tied to my passion.
Fifteen people voted, the majority of you (12) just read my personal diary. The rest read both. Nobody comes here just for the gaming diary. Iiinteresting. Just wonder who the three folks who read both regular and gaming are.
While checking out VoyeurWeb today I caught a followup contri from the Simply Annie and Goldencastle contris. An unremarkable contri except for the fact that the women are really tiny which I noticed in the pic that shows them in the kitchen. Christ, they're like little kids. Oh those crazy little people.
Invisibility was the order of the day. Seems that I had the power to become invisible but I didn't tell anyone. Wandered around my old neighborhood in my younger body among unidentified friends with the intent of harassing this one guy who lived a block away from where I used to live. The guy's house was filled with light and we could hear the television from the front lawn. My friends banged on the front door and we ran like the wind.
We hung out at the bottom of this one road which was a steep hill catching our breath and laughing that no one was chasing us.
From a pool of lamplight came a bunch of the tough older kids from my youth. My two compatriots ran down the street hopefully towards safety and I turned invisible. Still thinking in a visible state of mind I slipped underneath a big pine tree and hid. There was a little lightbulb underneath along with a sign that was long forgotten. Being all paranoid that the light would give me away by casting my invisible shadow I turned it off and waited in the dark with the sign pulled over me. The big kids looked around, directly under the tree and at me but they couldn't find me.
I came out from under the tree, two of the bullies ran off and the last one stayed because he had a sneaking suspicion that his quarry was still around and when he looked under the tree again he found a letter and a three panel comic I had made which fell out of my pocket. The letter was in this geometrical code I can still write in as if it was my primary writing language so he couldn't read it. The comic was a strange one about a skeleton waving a pistol around. The skeleton's head was huge and his body was just a line skeleton drawing done with a sharpie.
He waved the pages about in his hand threatening to show the world. It spooked me a wee bit but the kid eventually stuffed them into a garbage can and I was able to replace them in my pocket. Before long, the guy figured that I wouldn't be found by him alone and he ran off after his friends. I made my way back up the hill to my house (current residence, not place of my youth) where I stalked in invisibly and went around trying to find if I could find home.
My sister came home, the time in the dream was four a.m. and went upstairs. I went out. While walking down to the church I came across a woman in black who I started molesting consensually. Minutes into the molestation, a big blocky van that had "Raritan Door" written on the sides pulled up behind the house currently owned by Russians and formerly by Hindus. Inside was this tall, thin black guy and this dorkbag who lived across the street from me when I was at my old address who would go around peeping in windows and his windowsills were filled with joint ash. They started taking pictures which enraged me. I ran towards them in that slow motion, six million dollar man kinda running that happens in dreams. They got away. I went back home to call them, for some reason I couldn't pronounce raritan, and the fucking 411 operator was a dumb cunt. I tried calling this 800 number but it was busy and I got another number. My mother and father came downstairs and pointed out the fact that the front door was open and being angry at my sister. My father said that my grandma's spirit opened the door because my sister couldn't close the door all the way when she came home.
Then the dream turned over to some institutional kind of building late at night. It had something to do with vampires, lawyers, George W. Bush and a basement filled with souvenir pottery like mugs and things. There was this lawyer who was representing a vampire gang who wanted to take over this basement/institution and my side only had our own vampires and the President. They sat down at a folding table like they'd use at church bingo and started talking but the other vampires and their lawyer started raising hell. I focused on the lawyer and waited for him to do something. Eventually the other vampires were obliterated at the cost of a lot of my vampires. I saw one of their vampires trying to escape and I ran over and grabbed his ankles and spun his body around in a doorway for a few minutes until I knew every bone was broken and the doorjamb was soaked in blood. I looked down a hallway and saw this woman approaching the lawyer with a shotgun, the lawyer laughed at her saying his body was her body and when she put the shotgun to his throat he put a shotgun to her throat except his had a bayonnet which went through her neck killing her. I gave chase to the vampire lawyer but he got away. It disturbed me that he got away.
Jaybird called today but wrestling proved to be a greater distracter than talking to yours truly and he passed me off to maribou and we talked about her school experiences, the creepy meeting with Caille_Bot that left her feeling fouled and general chatter. She's always the talkative type. I was surprised that Jaybird was able to track me down and that my father helped out too.
Finally, I may come across as intense towards some people in my feelings towards them but that is just me. Sometimes I wish for certain things but I certainly don't want to force folks into things they don't want or are not ready for. I will keep my hopes and dreams, silly as they might seem sometimes, but hope nothing is discounted in the future.
Yes, old folks home. Just sometimes I wish that I didn't think you were so far away or that you would always be far away, Dee.
Great Caesar's ghost! What the fuck happened? What happened to all the diaries that get 250+ hits and linger at the top ten slot for ages? MY SITE ONLY HAS TWO NUDE PICTURES OF ME! I AM NOT FEMALE! THIS PAGE ISN'T LISTED WITH SOME COY SEXUAL INNUENDO! According to Hillary Moon Murphy and her entry in my guestbook, I hit number one at 1:11 p.m. on Hubble Space Telescope time. No, Hawaii Standard Time. I was dubious and checked the clix site and there I was at number two but it said I was formerly 54. I even took a screen shot as proof! Now I have to wait fifteen minutes to see if my voting for myself will get me back into the number one slot and then I shall remove the voting mechanism from my site and watch my page sliiiide back to the forties where it usually is. So I now deftly remove the voting link on my page and chant, "I'm Number Two! I'm Number Two!"
Hodgepodge of visions. I was at a small shore house and everyone was getting into a boat that began speeding along a canal that was like a highway with traffic lights. The boat didn't have brakes and I tried to stop the speeding craft by swerving and having it graze the side of the canal and other boats. It worked but the passengers were all irritated. Later there was something about these corrupt police who were speeding around and they skidded into a taxi cab, denting it. Some other cops came along and really humiliated the speeding cops by having them lay on the ground, disarm themselves and such because they were fed up with those kinds of police giving them a bad image.
My folks are going away in the last week of January and I have a plan or two for getting out of the house. Going to drive to Malyss' place and drop off her gift, if I don't do it next weekend, and check out a few weird New Jersey sites. Also I'm going to drop in unannounced on a friend from college. Thing is that the two times I tried calling the phone number had been disconnected. It's just curiousity.
I sent out my resume to a place that copies and distributes videos and I'm hoping to hear back from them by next week. Also got in contact with someone in California who wants a web site where he can show off the work he's done as a director, producer and writer. Cool. I'll hear back from him much later.
Hurrr, boss called because people are having trouble getting to the main website. Okay. Sure there was some problem going on during Christmas and the week after but I knew nothing of it because they called the wrong number and everyone was unreachable during the break. I made a call, folks looked at it and everything's just fine once again.
The thing that got me is that he was saying people with Macs can't get through to the main site. I opened the site on my computer, it loaded (slowly because of this quicktime file in one of the frames and i'm not on a cable modem). I reckon it's not loading for Mac users because THEY'RE FUCKING IDIOTS. Daah, one button, stupid keyboard combos with mouse, hurrr. They also don't have the Flash plugin but that doesn't make them idiots.
Enough of that.
Last night was all about going up this high rise building and when I got to the last three floors, I could look into the penthouses of the buildings around the skyscraper and they were having nudie parties. I was thinking I could set up spy webcams for people but I didn't have any on hand. There was a point in my dream where I would always go through this one exit thinking it would lead to the parking lot but it would lead to a ledge that had a three story drop. "That exit's going to kill me one day. Why do they mislabel this door?" I muttered and went back inside where I noticed the door was now labelled "oar" instead of "exit".
Another part took place in the same building on a ledge that was glassed in over an enormous bath tub. I kept sliding and grabbing onto the rug so I wouldn't go over. During all this I heard the sound of a cat sharpening his claws on fabric as if he was frantically trying to climb up from below to the ledge.
A few years ago after my grandfather died, my parents stayed at his house to take care of my grandmother who was losing her mind and very fragile physically. They stayed upstairs in the master bedroom while my grandmother was downstairs in the den in her hospital bed with a baby monitor nearby so my parents could be aware of anything going wrong with her. During the middle of the night my father woke up out of a sound sleep and heard something on the monitor. As he started waking up he heard a voice on the monitor, it was his father.
My father was scared shitless and he listened to the voice on the monitor. My grandfather was telling him how to take care of things now that he was gone and how to take care of my grandmother. There were other times where my parents would hear my grandmother talking to someone but there was most certainly nobody with her at the time. Yeah, it might've been her dementia but I'm not inclined to believe that especially after the dreams I've had with my grandpa and my grandma. Plus the fact that my grandpa's alleged mistress attended the wake for my grandma and she flew forward as if she was pushed and everyone knew that it was my grandma pushing her. She left seconds later.
Looks like there's going to be a Project C to work on, but I'll hear more about that later this week. Maybe I'll go into the city to talk face to face instead of talking on the phone if they have the time. It's going to be some sports related thing. Been checking out the Weird NJ club and I might be going out to see this place smack dab in the Watchung Reservation. An abandoned village with a few old graves. I'll be bringing my digital camera along and I shall post here what I found and any stories surrounding it. Hopefully this will be getting my head busy so I don't get stuck wondering about things in life and when I start to wonder I start to think the worst and I definitely don't need that since it does nobody any good. Diary_spivak or not, it's still no good and it must be controlled. Just part of my pathology.
One thing that bothers me is when I was talking with one or two people on Yahoo they were all strange about the fact that I am still good friends with my ex, Malyss. They stated resolutely that is definitely a bad idea but they ignored me when I asked for the reasoning behind their assertation. I've also heard this a lot on NJ 101.5, a formerly good talk station that's been overrun by soccer moms who have been told they are witty by their coffee yenta pals, where the subject would be brought up and discussed usually against being friends with an ex.
I don't get the big fucking deal. Why throw away a close friendship if there is no coupleness anymore? What the hell, are people just going out and having sex with the same person until they grow tired of the person without any emotional attachment? Do people really live such shallow lives that once they're burned they must burn all bridges? Yes, I've blustered after being burnt but I've always tried to reestablish communications because I wouldn't have engaged in any untoward chicanery if I didn't like the person in the first place or allowed myself to use the great big "L" word that folks bandy about way too much or don't use enough.
Yes, it's easier to love someone than it is to like someone but since people are essentially good (despite whatever I might say in later entries or whatever I might've said in earlier entries) and want to make friends.
At least I'm glad that I'm insulated by people who think like me or not much more differently from me rather than dealing with folks who live in a completely different world of dorks with backwards baseball caps, retail chicks who turn tricks in parking lots and sex that's more of an exercise than an expression.
The star Procyon figured big into my dreaming last night. I was observing the sky and I noticed that I could see further if I stared longer into the universe and before long I could see very close to this one system that was Procyon in my dream. The first thing that I made out was the enormous gas giant that was between the furthest and nearest planets. The system did not have any planets with rings. I flew past and found an earthlike planet near where Venus would be but I didn't land. I swung around the star and flew back along my path skimming the atmospheres of the various planets (mostly rocky) until I had returned my consciousness home. When I looked up at the sky again, I couldn't help but see the planetary system that was so far away and I knew that it wanted to see another solar system. By sheer force of will, I tilted the disk of our system to the left so they could see us and we could see them better.
I had this urge to meet up with my friend Devotchka over at the movie theater in Millburn. It's a really tiny theater that barely has room enough for two viewing areas. In my dream the theater was even dinkier than it is in real life. The ticket booth was a folding table with a lady sitting behind it selling tickets, the viewing room was just a small room filled with folding chairs before a small screen. I bought five tickets even though I was only expecting her to show up and I sat down in this folding chair to wait for her to arrive. She never came. The chair's legs bent and it crashed to the floor bringing me with it. Feeling sheepish, I bent the chair back to its former glory and avoided it and let some other poor sap use the chair and test its integrity.
A voice-over said that the chair lasted for many sittings, never again bending and crumpling under the weight of a person.
I knew she wasn't going to show up and I walked down the street to a record and book store to just look around. It was packed with black people who were milling around doing the mall zombie walk and thinking they could get away with it because to say anything that would denigrate (heh) a black person it's always considered a crime because they've been picked on and abused soooo much in history. Take this quote: We're so hung up on this notion that we have some obligation to help the struggling black man, you know. Cut him some slack until he can overcome these historical injustices. It's crap. I mean, Christ, Lincoln freed the slaves, like, what? 130 years ago. How long does it take to get your act together?
Anyway.
I got tired of dancing around the black people and trying not to shoulder them and walked out of the store. As I walked out this little uppity bitch started yelling in that shrill, head rocking way as if I somehow wronged her and someone told me she was M&Ms but she spelled it like that wigger. She followed me out, waving hands like Clyde in Every Which Way but Loose and chattering after me for some perceived wrong I had done to her. By the time I crossed Main Street, she had vanished into thin air. I looked down into this drainage ditch and realized it was flooding and would soon flow over its sides and into the street so I got into a car and drove away until I got to Locust Grove.
Locust Grove is someplace that I haven't been to in ages because I haven't been feeling that bad or wanting to get away from life that much. I would climb up trail along the side of the cliff and just sit for hours on top looking out over the horizon and watching the wee little cars in the town below like a model train set.
When I parked at Locust Grove, I was above the flood waters which were swirling down at the base of the cliff and I knew that there was a cave at the bottom which had rough hewn steps that led up to where Devotchka was at the moment. I waded in and saw Shawn, the gentleman Devotchka lives with IRL, bursting from underwater near the cliff face showing me where the location of the cave entrance. I pulled him to safety and left him unconscious in my car and decided to go inside to see what was going on. Before I ducked down to swim through I looked up and there was this pea green house that was built into the side of the cliff.
Once inside, I crouched and went up the stairs until I got into a white room where Devotchka was. She was sitting on the floor facing the wall and not talking to anyone. I sighed and let her be while I went through the rest of the dwelling to see if there was anyone else or any pets to bring out. Sunlight streamed in through the windows and I realized how wet my clothes were so I decided to look for a change. I found a dry shirt and undergarments but I couldn't find any dry pants because I had given Shawn my dry pants and I ended up wearing white robes like Ghandi. I shook Shawn's hand, looked for Devotchka but couldn't find her so I left.
I kept waking up and falling back to sleep, the dream continued with the looking up towards Procyon and seeing its gas giant and wandering around on earth wondering if I could see it from everywhere or just from my backyard. By the time I woke up around noon I thought I had started to forget the dream and was really irritated at myself. Just stared off into nothingness at the ceiling until I remembered something that I would always do when dreaming recently. There would be this point of half-consciousness where I would retell the story of the dream to myself in as much detail as possible before falling back into the good deep sleep. Time slid on and I turned the TV off because I was thinking the TV was starting up conscious dreaming and my dream cache was full so the cache would eventually be deleted for what the day might bring until I started having brief thoughts going through my head of the dreams from last night.
First Procyon, then the flood, then the pants, then the movie theater, then Devotchka, then sunlight and everything else. When I settled down in front of this infernal machine and started writing it all came back to me playing before my eyes as the text streamed across the screen from my fingers into WordPad. I'm really sure that was definitely how my dream went because I felt that funny twinge in me of sharing something that was personal which was easily overcome by thinking "fuck it". Just glad that I was able to get this down while it was still hot because trying to remember a dream hours after waking up is nigh impossible. Even with hastily scrawled notes on the back of a Champions character sheet with a sharpie.
I think it's the retelling of the dream to myself, I wonder if I mutter it aloud in my sleep, that helps me have the better recall that I've had recently. Christ, it seems that I've had a dream for nearly every night of January. Part of me wishes that my dreams would return to the Dunsanian splendor that would jolt me awake once the dream credits rolled and send me running out to the computer to write down every last detail. A return to something a bit more abstract and less involved with figures in my life and thoughts / feelings / etc. because those dreams are always more fun than these which seem pedestrian by my standards.
Right now I'm just surprised at the fact that some parts of this dream and the retelling are vicious (the record / book store bit).
Just checked out Abacus Free Astrology Services and was playing with all of the toys on the site. It's pretty fucking keen, especially the Astrohelper script which creates links to the various aspects between planets and explains what they mean. If you're going to study astrology, I'd suggest staying away from this book that I've seen sold everywhere. Big yellow book with pseudo-Renaissance art. It seems to be more about having fruity mystical new age art than actually giving good information. It was nice to read about the stones, plants and animals associated with each sign but when I decided to jump ahead into the actual chart creation section the math was unclear and seemed to be missing something. On top of that, it didn't adequately describe what the aspects like trine, square, quincunx and others meant except to list them as negative or positive aspects. I only learned what the aspects meant after picking up an astrology digest at Kinja's mother's place and in the back it had all the aspects described and what kind of negative or positive aspects they represented. Its ephemerides were good but only up to the year 2000.
I know that my local library has this book on their shelves and I will get its title tomorrow so folks can know the title and avoid it like the plague if they are interested in learning about astrology. I'd say just learn how to do stuff online and loiter around a bookstore or library.
Now I'm going to upload this entry because I found a good counter for my site that won't screw with my HTML and hopefully it'll give me decent stats too of the folks who frequent this place.
Someone who shall remain unnamed, *cough* diaryspivak *cough*, mentioned that it was in poor taste to post that dream I had in the previous entry because of its blatant racism and insensitivity towards those who are different from me. This person also reminded me that the timing couldn't be worse because people would be reading it on Lex Luthor Day.
Lex Luthor, as you all may know, was a driving force in the cause for mutant registration and strict control of those with superhuman powers. He single handedly saved us from the oppressive forces of metahumans, Mr. Luthor also stopped the Million Mutant March with the detonation of the kryptonite bomb making the comic pages safe for comics such as Curtis, Black Lightning, Aquaman, Grape Ape just to name a few.
I beseech you all to join with me in a moment of silence for this day in remembrance of a man who had a vision that embiggened humanity as a whole and made the comics page safe from stuff drawn by crackers like Bloom County or User Friendly.
sniff
Thank you.
Last night's dream bothered me. In a nutshell it took place in the dining room upstairs and involved me begging and pleading my mother for some expression of affection. She ignored me and I accused her of her having her heart removed surgically or that it's encased in permafrost. No real details and if there were, I would certainly be verbose about them.
Lately I've been fascinated by the 4th dimension, trying to visualize the kata and ana spatials, tesseracts and hyperspheres. The only thing I've been able to visualize in a 3D sense is a hypersphere which would manifest itself as a small sphere appearing out of nothingness, becoming a big sphere and then shrinking down back into nothingness. The tesseract is a bit tougher but at least I have an idea of how to make the makings of a tesseract, just make one of those crosses that we can use to create a cube except it's made out of cubes and it looks like a T from all sides when it's standing on its bottom.
Staying on the topic of it being Lex Luthor's birthday on the 15th of January I'm going to put up a poll asking what you think is his relationship with Superman. Over the years he's been portrayed as a genius and a mad scientist but it seems that people tend to ignore a glaring clue to his true nature.
Superman is quite the ladies man being involved with such women as Lois Lane (reporter for the Daily Planet), Lana Lang (high school flame), Lori Lemaris (mermaid) and others who bear the initials of L.L.. So I wonder, how the fuck does Lex Luthor fit into this recurring theme? Lex has the L.L. initials and has a burning desire to destroy Superman (note his overwhelming rage during the Death of Superman story that he wasn't able to destroy Superman by his own machinations). The only story I ever read regarding Superman and Lex's relationship was about Lex being a nerd in his basement and Superman came along to help him out only to cause an accident that left Lex hairless. The loss of his good looks to Superman is a pretty superficial reason to want to kill someone and it certainly doesn't make for an intelligent supervillain who would be above caring about such things.
I venture that Lex Luthor is a spurned lover of Superman and he is Superman's dirty little secret much in the same way that mythology seemed to gloss over the fact that Ganymede was male. When I was little I knew the moons of Jupiter were named after the chicks he seduced but I was disappointed when I learned that Ganymede is a guy's name. How should I know anyway? All those Greek names are nutty.
Ah, Lex Luthor. Ganymede of Superman. Hell hath no fury like a mad scientist scorned. Maybe Superman destroyed his nuthatch during backdoor shenanigans. Perhaps Luthor got a little too attached and didn't understand it was just a college thing for Superman. EEEW.
Anyway, I made a poll to see what the rest of you think of their relationship and if there are any untoward shenanigans, past or present, between The Man of Steel and Chromedome. The following is reprinted without permission. It is part of an article called The Birth of a Hero and it seems to lend weight to my hypothesis. Overall it's a pretty fucking cool article. I came across it after I postulated this theory a few times on Lambda and in private conversations with friends online and offline, it was pure luck that it happened to broach this untoward subject. I also want to note what Mr. Glass said to David Dunn in Unbreakable. Don't have the actual wording but it goes something like this: The person closest to a hero is usually the hero's arch villain who usually starts out as the hero's best friend. Supporting this is the relationship between Professor X and Magneto, the previous story between Lex and Superman where Lex lost his hair and the relationship forged between Mr. Glass and David Dunn in Unbreakable. Unbreakable was a lukewarm movie that tried too hard to push the fact it was a superhero movie while extolling comics as a valid storytelling medium. If it wasn't so ham handed about this and maybe if the ending had a bit more of impact than Bruce Willis going to the police and putting Mr. Glass away I would've liked the movie much more than I did when I saw it. Anyway, here's the relevant quote from the article.
It is interesting to notice that the initials of Lex are the same double "L" that characterises all the female partners of Superman. Added to the long list of Lois Lane, her sister Lucy Lane, Lana Lang, Lori Lemaris, Lyla Lerrol and others, now one can find the name Lex Luthor. Freud argues that "what lies at the corner of the conflict in cases of paranoia among males is the wishful fantasy of loving another man" (Rutherford, 1996b: 59), and the question that springs to mind is natural: what goes on between the two men? In "The Adventures of Superman" #548, the superhero, with his new costume, pays a visit to Lex, in his office. For the first time Superman is really angry with the mogul and grabs him by the neck. The action scene is interrupted by the pregnant wife of Lex, who finds them in a strange pose, with Superman on top. Her appearance is dark, as though she has just stepped into an area where she does not belong. In order to force Superman to leave, she pretends that her time to give birth has arrived, forcing her husband to forget about Superman and rush to the telephone and call for an emergency: the health of his child is more important than his "paranoia" against the handsome hero. When Superman leaves, Lex is angry towards his wife who has interrupted their intimate moment: "How could you do that to me? For once I had that overrated alien right where I wanted him!" are Lex's words to his surprised wife, and one reckons he means their strange position on Lex's desk.
Take the poll! Damn it!
Today was spent at my father's business filling in for the receptionist who had to leave early in the day to take care of some stuff. Didn't bring along my gameboy and Pokemon Gold but I brought along the SF book that maribou sent me, my sharpie and a pad of paper. Tried taking notes for the diary but nothing really gelled and I figure this will be it for the diary for today. When I get home from therapy I reckon I will either go to bed or just screw around yet again online.
The middle toe on my right foot hurts like a bitch and it kept me awake through the early morning hours. I never understood why my right foot seems to have it bad while my left foot is usually healthy and never bothersome. They both endure the same conditions, being packed into my combat boots or my ratty old sneakers, sometimes forgetting to change my socks and all that kinda nonsense but my right foot always seems to have one ailment or another while my left foot remains healthy. When my grandmother passed away a few years ago, I was in considerable pain as if my foot was on fire because there was a huge open sore from scratching over and over again. Sometimes it would stick to the sock making it quite painful to remove, taking the newly formed scab with it or portions thereof. I don't understand the disparity between them since they are equally abused and cared for with no special attention given to each. In fact, I believe my left foot has gotten less attention from me than my right foot because of the medications and treatments I've put my right foot under to ease any discomfort. There have been times where I had very little skin between the toes on my right foot.
This drives me crazy.
Finally, I'd like to thank my Dad for the "Lex Luthor Day" bit. It certainly helped me fill up another diary entry.
First and foremost: This picture is the best!
Whee! I have an interview on Thursday at 3 p.m.. If the interview isn't that short, I will swing by the office and see what is up with other projects that they're talking about like Project C and whatnot. This oughta take some of the pressure off me because I will be doing salaried stuff while doing these web sites. I have an inkling this will work out because if I get this job dubbing videos it will be freelance and after a few months they will consider taking me on full time.
AUGH! I can't fucking stand people who have mp3s that I want, download and when I end up playing them back it sounds like it was ripped underwater. Grrr, right now I'm searching the web for a particular mp3 to play because of an infernal guestbook entry that hhsb left in my diary and the song is just going through my head right now because of a dream. Okay, found it and am playing it over and over right now. Plus there was this one song that I dug yesterday some oldies station played and I wanted to get it as an mp3 and send it over to Devotchka but it seems nobody has ever ripped it but I found this other mp3 to send her. The one I couldn't find was "I have a lovely bunch of coconuts". Hurrr.
I thought I found something keen but it ended up being only for people who are registered at diaryland. How annoying. I'll just fill out the information here and leave it at that.
Name: Haakon Studebaker
Male, 30
Ong's Hat, NJ
A few of my favorite things are pain, getting angry, jerkcity, LambdaMOO, updating my page.
Music: Various stuff, mostly novelty and depressing songs
Movies: Fight Club, Empire Strikes Back, Seven
Nintendo game: Pokemon Gold/Silver
Here's a list of the things folks visiting my website have been searching for:
- 1 for "12 31 00"
- 1 for "bio"
- 1 for "brian"
- 1 for "chuck"
- 1 for "comic chat"
- 1 for "curdled baby guts"
- 1 for "december 200"
- 1 for "december 2000"
- 1 for "december 31 2000"
I was reading The Birth of a Hero in its entirety last night and I came across a few lines that got me thinking about my nature.
What she likes in Superman is exactly the obscurity of his feelings and the way he conceals his sentiments, the way a true man does.
It bothers me sometimes that I am so expressive about my feelings, using the concept of "diary_spivak" as a model. My gut reaction, usually after the fact, is that the expression of my emotions sabotages my dreams and myself. In fact, sometimes I've perceived that once I've become close with a woman and expressed feelings, doubts and all that kinda bullshit that the dynamic seems to change.
Hence I want to withdraw. As if the idea of withdrawing will allow me to regain that stoic mystique I had before which seemed to have the interest of the women. When withdrawing, part of me wonders if I will just come across as a drama queen seeking desperately needed attention. Wanting folks to come after me and see what is wrong.
Believe me, this isn't something going through my mind right now as a major force in my life pulling my mood into the depths like the riptide it was a week ago. Just struck me funny when thinking about it and I needed to share it here.
Right now at this moment, I figure that being diary_spivak (all jokes aside) is the manliest thing I can be since I face up to things that most men will not face up to and live in fear of sharing in public or among an intimate circle of friends. I don't give a fuck about ridicule coming from folks reading my diary nor do I necessarily care if someone changes their mind about me after reading these entries because they really weren't my friend in the first place. Or if someone likes me less or differently.
So I was wondering earlier this evening, reminded a bit of this weekend's Futurama episode featuring the lost city of Atlanta, about mermaids. Plus the fact that Superman had a thing for a mermaid who disguised herself as a cripple in earlier issues before revealing her true nature.
I wonder why mermaids are always shown having bared breasts but down below is definitely piscine.
Know how fish have sex?
First he starts licking her ankles while rubbing the inside of her thighs. She lifts her shirt exposing the round bottoms of her breasts that have a shine about them like vanilla ice cream on a hot summer's day. Cool and inviting but so warm and delightful once the face is pressed between them and the tongue snakes around for the nipples for a good hard suck. Slow, steady breaths begin to spill from her lips in anticipation. Slowly in the heat of the moment in the sharing of the woman with the man, he crawls closer, his cock lurking like a wolf in pursuit of its prey. In a flash, heat and skin merge.
Thighs and knees rest upon the shoulder followed by a soft embrace and strained neck reaching to kiss the lips of the lover on top that thrusts again and again like he was on a mission from God. Warm flesh pressing against warm flesh, the heat of pleasure coursing up and down and throughout their bodies from the nape of the neck down the spine to the soles of their feet. Immersed in pleasure.
OHWAIT. That's not how fish have sex.
The male approaches the female and bites her savagely while twisting her nipples, pushing her up against the wall against her wishes forcing her hands into manacles while he starts thrusting into her before she's had a chance to get wet. She bites back fiercely, drawing blood on his back with her free hand. Soon the sheet rock gives away sending the pair of sex starved souls fucking like weasels into the other room surprising the old ladies playing bridge and sipping tea.
That's still not right.
Fish have sex when the female drops eggs and swims away. The male fish ejaculates on the eggs and swims away. They never see each other or the fry again. Sexy, eh?
WHY MUST MERMAIDS BE SUCH TEASES? Poor Fry. At least he wasn't down there long enough to become acclimated to the high pressures and never being able to return to the surface world.
Sure, they have nice cans but hot damn down there it's a fish's goodies and they're not built for penetration. Thank you Discovery Channel and National Geographic for teaching me that so I didn't have to find that out for myself in real life. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Just ask Troy McLure! Heh, funny that his surname uses the term "lure".
Maybe it's symbolic of the woman's pussy smelling like fish. Mermaids being the greatest sluts of all time, used and abused by sailors who would fuck anything on two legs (or fins). Even their own shipmates. What puzzles me is the "scientific" theory for the creation of mermaids in popular mythology. It's pretty much "Sailors saw some manatees or dugongs with seaweed on their hair and horny sailors thought they looked like mermaids". Hrm... big titted, cock-starved undersea blonde vs. a homely, gentle beast that eats kelp. I'd say there's certainly a difference between the two!
Was playing around with the idea to get a webcam for myself and I reckon that if I do ever decide to get one or have the occaision to appear on one I will make sure that I have a shirt on. Thing is when I used to surf around camarades.com I'd see guys sitting at their computer without a shirt and I'd wrinkle up my nose because I'd reckon they were just out to get some pud pumpery with some webcam wielding woman (wnat 2 go privaet in netmeetnig?/) and just think of the horrors someone would have if they came across me writing my diary entry with my shirt off as it is right now (the collar is around the crown of my head and I could drape it over my shoulders like an Egyptian pharoah headdress) and people seeing my hairness and thinking I'm skulking around for something dirty.
Not that I have anything against it, just that gets old real fast.
Another brief dream, fresh out of my head as I rub the sleep from my eyes! I dreamt that Kinja was driving me around in Malyss' car through the countryside when she pointed out the sunset over by the line of trees which broke and gave a wonderful view of the sunset. The magenta disk was blocked by clouds (water vapor clouds on earth or interstellar gas) but those clouds were limned by a deep and vivid purple. Tall rays of the sunset stretched out like the old Japanese flag. I asked Kinja to pull over somewhere so we could watch the sunset. After some bad driving and dream traffic we arrived at a field behind a school and lay down to watch. I was glad that we had arrived before the sunset ended because there was this sense of urgency going through me, an idea that the sunset would end at any second without warning and just succumb to night. We laid on our stomachs to watch and Kinja deflated when I put my arm around her. By this time, night had fallen and I wrinkled up my nose at Kinja's deflated body. Some kids appeared to my right as if they were there the whole time and they started hooting and hollering so I just folded up Kinja and wandered off into the dark woods where the dream ended.
Got in late from the game, hence I wasn't able to upload this until about 4 a.m.. Spent most of the time at the diner talking with Brian (he paid, he made forty in tips today) about last week, my fears, how I want to try and get out and interact with real people. There was very little digression or running around in circles and thankfully I was able to remember the basic thread of discussion to get back on track rather than going along with the dialog I would branch from and all that.
Hurr, feeling tired. Glad I got to talk to Brian and now it's time to succumb to sleep and see what dreams come to me. I'm hoping that they aren't bad dreams because tonight I told Brian about this picture I saw from the Morbid Fact du Jour site (actually more of the mailing list) where the Comtesse de Despair shared a tale of a guy who was on PCP and cut off bits of his face and fed them to his dog. I read the story and saw the pic a week ago or so but after I related the story in as genteel a fashion to Brian I started to get an upset stomach because somehow relating the story verbally to him made it more real rather than just something I read on the internet (despite the fact I saw the picture of the guy AND HE LIVED. his face was completely gone and he was just a red muscled skull).
Good night. Sweet dreams to you all. Love!
Good heavens, this page is getting at least ten hits a day and maybe two of those are me checking to see the current status of the page counter. I signed up for this diary registry where diaries are listed by eye color, be sure to look for me under "brown". When I was little my mother would always say I was lying because my eyes were brown and it meant that I was full of shit.
Not much to talk about today, just bought water for the frogs and some ponytail holders for tomorrow. Heard from the boss about those Mac users still not being able to handle the web site. Not much else. I'm going to speak directly to these people and fix this once and for all since the problem is definitely with them and not with the site itself.
Anyway, that's about it for me.
Heh, here's the current set of songs I'm playing on winamp.
- Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
- Frank Sinatra - Strangers in the Night
- Foundations - Build Me Up, Buttercup
- Green Day - Good Riddance
- The Beatles - Across the Universe
And here's a list of my mp3s. If you want any, lemme know. This will be updated because I am now downloading mp3s from the Akira soundtrack. This'll be the second complete CD that I've downloaded from the internet. The first one was Fight Club. Before any of you get your panties in a bunch, I own these and I'm too lazy to rip them myself. Nyeh.
If only I stole hearts as easily as I steal MP3s. Heh.
Just got back in from going into NYC. Just took my time after the interview and wandered around a bit before going home. It was a lovely gray day with drizzle and snowflakes.
I finished updating my mp3 list. Just feeling tired right about now and going to bed sounds like a good idea to while away the rest of the evening.
Felt silly bringing my backpack into the city with my boots inside. I went to the interview in my sneakers which are in a bad way but my boots at least look like something professionals might wear (under my pants, of course) and I switched in the bathroom. Had to change my sneakers to boots because I had a lot of walking around to do and my boots hurt my feet like nails digging into my heels and stuff.
Just feels odd writing small entries after being so verbose in earlier entries.
Last night I was reading an interview with Hayao Miyazaki and it got me thinking about parts of my life because parts of my life really don't seem real. It's like I haven't involved myself with real things. From the time I was a kid I'd have a fantasy world like other kids my age or lose myself in watching TV for hours on end because there wasn't anyone around to play with. I'd just sit home and wonder about the motivations of other people, sometimes slipping stuff I saw on TV into the framework that would become a mental construct of real life people and I could handle life easier that way because it gave me control but it was nowhere near being true to life.
Nowadays I just get online and deal with people who aren't as real as they should be since they are real people. No, I'm not getting soft like when someone on Lambda was bearing down on me why I wasn't making fun of them when I was making fun of all their friends. I read, I judge and I act accordingly. Side note: I wasn't even making fun of anyone, that was someone else on *anonymous.
The people from the internet who have become real to me can be counted on the hand of a wood shop teacher. I'm certain the count is even lower for folks that I have become real to. Still it's only happened through knowing folks for so long, talking, playing, laughing and all that kinda stuff that someone finally becomes real because all their fur has become worn off, the remaining eye being all scuffed and an ear barely held on by three threads.
My only frustration is distance. Accursed distance.
Hell, even in real life all my friends are scattered. Tim's forty miles away, Brian's in Delaware most of the time and the other folks who I'd want to see on a daily basis are even further away. Confounded distance.
I think that's what makes me go crazy most times. The inability to see facial expressions, body language, to just drive around with someone in the passenger seat and watch the road go by or eat quietly. I'm hardly a gregarious person despite what impressions folks might get from talking to me live online and I know once I've had my fill of being around people that I withdraw and can only stomach the company of those really close to me until I get hungry enough for social interaction and dive in headfirst.
That's part of why I am going to take my trip around the USA. The trip's also about getting experience in the world. Finding my place. Actually sitting down at the banquet of life that the Ghost of Christmas Present showed Scrooge instead of just looking in from outside like a Dickensian urchin and being shooed away by the snooty folks inside saying that it's not for me.
After the experience, I'm sure that I'll be pre-judging everything that folks do, trying to second guess them but I reckon it'll be slightly different than it is right now. Definitely want change, but I want some things to stay the same.
For a few years I've had this theory in my head about being able to travel without travelling the entire line between two points. The seed started when I was in NYC walking around looking for new places to check out and I found myself in this generic warehouse district that was deserted because it was after dark (but like 6 p.m.). There weren't any signs on the streets and the buildings were blank. I thought "I could be anywhere" and for a few minutes I had a feeling that there were similar places all around the planet which shared a similar point in space except on the map they were miles apart. If I knew the right combination of turns to take I probably could've ended up in another city. Same goes for places in the deep woods, a certain stand of trees that could be found in almost any forest and just going there one stands in fifty places at once and knowing when to step out is when you can change your position.
I'm sure if I knew more about these places, specifically their quirks for being located in various locations, the magic would be gone and I wouldn't be able to see if I can really see if this will work.
By the very nature of getting lost and not knowing where one truly is, the possibilities of where you might be open up. When people get lost, truly lost, not just lost because of bad directions it's usually through confusion and that confusion might be from becoming transdimensional for a moment and their mind is unable to comprehend the changes. Sure there's usually a way out and things end up happily ever after but I'm sure there are folks who are irrevocably lost.
I'm happy that I've started playing chess with Devotchka again. There was a long lag period when we didn't play any but no matter it's pretty cool. Being able to play games with people is awful important to me. Whether it's scrabble or some RPG or just a word association game that starts from nothing on a road trip and continues going without repeating a single word for hours only ending when the destination is reached. Maybe I just want people to play with. Maybe I feel like I'm me at my best when I'm playing a game, showing off how I think and what I know rather than fumbling with verbal conversation or droning on and on with the written words.
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
Today was pretty much a nothing day and I hope the weekend keeps an even keel throughout. Just somewhat distracted thinking everyone's going to be away this week rather than next week. Just I want to do things like give Malyss her Christmas gift, drive around, have friends over and things like that.
Oh yeah, now there's a TV with cable down here next to the computer. It's very happy because unlike the wee portable TV that used to reside on the shelf below I can get all the channels instead of just a few by some dial jockeying.
Other than that, I'm just listening to the Akira soundtrack, checking the Weird NJ club and trying to think of things to write about here. Definitely need to find the piece of paper that I filled up with my history of collectable gaming. It's all about how playing cards, as we know them, were created by the church to be an alternative to the evils of tarot cards with their cabbalistic imagery. Sold in boosters and in various sets with themes where different suits were introduced and eventually face cards, they caught on with the youth of the dark ages because of their collectibility and the fact that there were variations on the core game that we now know as poker, three card monty and blackjack.
This was followed by the action figure craze that began the game of chess. Kids would collect pieces, trading or stealing pieces to get a whole set. In the beginning there were royalty only pieces like "The General" who could move like a rook and take two pieces in a turn rather than just one. Since these were unavailable to the common kid, they faded into obscurity.
I'm always surprised at the people who come to my site. Part of me really wants to know who is coming here but the other part doesn't care either way and supports his argument with the fact that the extreme tracking thing I had did not have good HTML. Still finding out who comes here in bits and pieces is always something nice.
Been in touch with my friend Chuck and more recently Bill from high school. Seems after their graduation everyone was scattered to the four winds and I figured that I wouldn't see any of them ever again. Still haven't seen any of them but it sounds like they're doing well enough in their own lives. Bill's a musician and works with graphics, Chuck's working as an accountant in NYC. Funny to see the contrasts. It used to be Chuck, Bill, Brian and myself then there was the split. Bill's a musican and working in an artistic capacity but when I last heard from him he was always going off on his recent conquests. Brian used to be a drummer with aspirations to draw manga but now he has the reputation of being a philanderer (okay, reformed philanderer. jokes get old after the thousandth time) and rubs women for a living. I was so sure that Bill was going to end up doing porn. Don't ask why, just a gut feeling.
Chuck on the other hand is successful, I would gather, he's had his own place and can hold down a job while I'm floundering around with a web design gig that isn't turning out to be what I expected it to be in the very beginning. Somehow I thought by now that I would've had more success than I have had all along but it's never turned out. At least I have one or two things that I do enjoy in life that make things bearable when all seems dark.
Earlier today I was feeling miserable and I cried myself to sleep but when I woke up I felt entirely different. That's seriously fucked up. I know that when I've had bad nights and when I was finally able to sleep that I would wake up the next morning and all the moods, thoughts and demons haunting me were gone. Somehow sleep seems to reset my brain. Probably dreams, most definitely dreams. Not that I've dreamed recently. Last night's dreams were like watching a videotape on fast forward so there's nothing to mention really and I didn't have any dreams while I napped. I was sad because I was being defeatist while thinking everyone I like is always going to be far away and life's going to be one huge longing that haunts me.
Definitely need to get away from this house. Get away from NJ. See the world, or the continent, and find my way or return here with a newfound appreciation for this state and what I do have in life.
Here's something really keen from the Morbid Fact du Jour. The part I like is her commentary on the article.
Today's Rotten Yet Truly Morbid Fact!
On April 1, 1983, Danell Pepson purchased a solid copper casket for the burial of his grandmother, Bertha. For the next 7 years, he tended her mausoleum, planting flowers in front of it and keeping the area tidy. In April of 1990, he noticed a brown thickened "fluid" was beginning to collect on the sidewalk at the base of the mausoleum. Pepson believed this fluid to be decayed grass clippings, and scraped it away from the sidewalk with a hand spade. By the fall of 1990, the fluid had leaked onto the chrysanthemums that Pepson had planted, and in the process of removing the finished flowers, he carried them against his body to the garbage receptacle. At this point, he noticed that the air around the mausoleum was malodorous and he contacted the undertaker who informed him that the "fluid" was actually the liquified rotting remains of his grandmother which had been leaking from her casket. At the first sign of leakage, the undertaker had disinterred Bertha and placed an absorption powder in the interior of the casket and along the front of the mausoleum door but the leakage had continued unabated. Pepson discovered that his grandmother's remains had leaked into the adjoining vault and under the steel casket of his grandfather, causing rust damage and Pepson decided to have his grandparents cremated rather than risking another burial ordeal. Pepson was understandably tormented by this experience and ended up testifying before a committee of the U.S. Senate: "I have been violated. What torment knowing that you have had the rotting remains of your loved ones on your hands and clothes. I cannot forget what it looks and smells like when you rot in your grave. I have no peaceful place to visit and memorialize my loved ones any longer."
For more information on this not uncommon problem, including photographs, see http://mausoleum problems.home stead.com/ index. html
Culled from: Mausoleum Problems
(http://mausoleum problems.home stead.com/ index. html)
Generously donated by: George Wagner
I guess, in a way, that story is kind of romantic because maybe the grandmother just couldn't bear to be away from her hubby and escaped from the coffin to be closer to him?
Isn't that the sweetest thing?!
Much to my dismay, I can't find the original text that I promised to post here but I'll wing it as best as I can.
Collectible gaming has a long history that spans back to the dawn of the Renaissance. During the dark ages, people became enamored with the occult in hopes of gaining knowledge that could raise their status and ease their oppression under the feudal system. One of the things they used to occupy their time were tarot cards which were steeped in Jewish mysticism. The church was aghast that her subjects were delving into the devil's work and began an initiative to undermine the popularity of tarot cards. This was the birth of collectible card games.
The church altered the look of the tarot cards, changing the suits and discarding one of the face cards and began giving away boosters to at-risk children. These boosters were made up of only three suits which were factions they could represent in the game. How the game was played is not known, those rule books having crumbled to dust centuries ago. The cards did catch on as an alternative to tarot, spurred by the latent antipathy towards those who claimed only they could read the tarot.
As time wore on, children of the period almost had complete decks of the original cards. These were made up of all the numbers, the diamond, clubs and heart suits. Seeing the popularity grow even greater the church decided to release its first expansion pack: Suicide Kings. Suicide Kings was mostly a reprint of the original cards but it introduced the face cards which were more valuable and highly collectible. Suicide Kings was followed up by the hugely successful Ace of Spades expansion that introduced the "evil" spade suit along with the aces for each of the other suits. The aces were only available to the most pious of children.
As time wore on, the church realized that the pious children they were giving the aces to as a reward for being the most faithful were secretly indulging in the vice of gambling. The revenues from gambling with these cards eventually found their way into various basements where Europeans were playing around with a new fangled invention called a printing press. The first bootleg cards were printed and began circulating throughout northern Europe. The church came down hard but she didn't come down soon enough because the damage had been done and already the cards which were meant as a gift to children who knew their prayers and loved Christ as much as Christ loved them already had all the cards regardless of their piety or the origin of their cards.
The only result of this was the suppression of the printing press, which was quickly erased from church records after Guttenberg decided to clean up the printing press' reputation using it only to print bibles much to the church's joy. The playing card game was discontinued by the church but decks were handed down from generation to generation with variations on the original game that we now know as poker, blackjack, spit out the window, and pinochle.
Another game that is famous in collectible gaming is chess. It began as a strategy game with action figures instead of chess pieces. The rules were pretty much the same as they are today except for the fact that there were other pieces that did not carry over to the modern era when it comes to this great game.
Like most collectibles, it was frowned upon to make your own pieces (the generic term i'll be using from now on instead of switching between action figures and pieces) and one was only truly elite when they had a complete purchased set of pieces. There were three colors back in the day but the game was still only for two players. Red, black and white.
The nobility of the day indulged themselves with this pursuit, fancying themselves generals and thinking somehow this pastime would prepare them for whatever wars, sieges and battles lie ahead in their decadent, figurehead lives. The lower classes, not having the leisure time of the nobility, were able to hone their minds with this ages old game of strategy and come to understand the things that the nobility would not understand because of the peasants' practicality.
Ranked tournaments would be held on the solstices and equinoxes, the equinoxes would be for the commoner to prove who is the best among the lower classes. The winners of the equinox tournamnets would then be invited, at their own expense, to take part in the solstice tournaments where they would face up with the nobility. Of course anyone who defeated a noble would end up with a nose removed (Tycho Brahe) or worse...
The nobles had an advantage, there were royalty-only pieces that unbalanced the game. After complaints by some noble nobles who went up against those who had these pieces they made a decree that nobles may only have one of each of these special pieces rather than two forcing them to use at least one rook, one knight and one bishop. If any commoner dared to own one of these pieces or touch them (common practice was for the noble to remove the piece from the board by himself) they would be harshly punished.
One is the General who moved like a rook but when he takes a piece, he can take yet another piece in the line of attack if the first piece was a pawn.
The Cardinal was an interesting piece that was used defensively. It moved like a bishop but when taken by the other side the player had the option of either putting two more pawns upon the table or simply demoting the cardinal to a bishop. Upon reaching the opposite end of the chessboard, a bishop could become a cardinal in much the same fashion a pawn can become any piece once it reaches the opposite end of the chessboard.
Finally there was the Lord who could leap over two pieces in an extended knight's jump. Quite often, nobility would have the piece shaped like their face and truly bring themselves into the game.
Broken is a term used by gamers to describe a technique, a tool, a way of playing that unbalances the game and is tantamount to cheating but it is still within the rigid confines of the rules. This term was coined in this context during the great chess tournaments of the middle ages when a commoner was so distraught by the mindless tactics of the noble before him that the commoner reached across the table and grabbed his opponent's General and broke it. There was retribution on the behalf of the noble class by having one of their specialty pieces defiled by a peasant but it was not as severe as it could have been because other nobles were complaining about the cheesy tactics of the person in question and how the noble would not even be able to take part in such a tournament if it wasn't for the nature of their birth and having a General, Cardinal and a Lord.
Hence the usage of "That is so broken". Of course the princes would giggle at that because their thinking on the subject was more in the lines of the peasant's broken arms not the broken chesspiece.
There, you learned something. I do hope that I entertained while I informed.
Finally, I just got back from a lovely dinner. I went over to the diner on the highway and I had chicken with sausage and potatoes and a baked potato plus a toasted english muffin with butter. Oooh, so lovely. I feel full and I reckon this will help me rest easy tonight. The diner is a special place for me because the food is good and the fact when I really like someone I take them there. I might've mentioned in an earlier entry that I've only gone there with women except for this one time with Brian and another time when I went with Malyss, Tim and Cathy but that time doesn't count since it was more of a social thing. Obviously I've been going alone since April but I always make sure I go once a month even if it is for their jumbo deluxe hamburger. Yeah, it's a diner but it's a very nice diner despite the memories I have surrounding the place and the food is much better than anything they would have at a Friendly's or whatever other chain diner place might have that might be more familiar to folks not from my area.
So, if any of you ever decide to come visit me and I take you to the Union Plaza Diner, you can bet it means I like you a whole lot. Probably more than you like me. If I take you to Forno's in Newark, that's even bigger. Oh dear, I haven't been there in ages but I'm waiting patiently.
Right now it's all snowy outside and walking home was lovely. I remember how I was down earlier tonight and I parked in my father's parking lot, set the seat down and stared at the ceiling listening to the freezing rain hitting the car making noise like dead air on TV. I wished that it was warmer and somehow my big body would've warmed the car up but it wasn't to be. Heck, I was hoping to fall asleep there but I got too cold and decided to drive home. Watching all the snowflakes fall was very pretty, the flakes shone under the streetlamps and it made me smile.
That's more than enough for this entry. Good night.
I mean it this time.
Honest.
I always wondered if there can be thunder and lightning in a snowstorm. The only time I ever saw such a thing was on a Little House on the Prairie episode a loooong time ago. Got to thinking about it last night because staying up late I could hear the loud thunderous clatter of the snowplows banging against the street. Plus I'd think it'd be awful neat to see lightning flashes through the snowflakes.
Nice thing about today was getting bagels and orange juice. Since Saturday night I was hungry for a bagel and all the places were closed. Sure, I could've gone to Dunkin Donuts for a bagel but it wouldn't have been a real bagel. The best ones are over in Parsippany but I have no reason to go up that way, less'n a job interview leads me in that direction.
Lastly, I did something I haven't done in quite a while last night which is make an addendum to my diary after it's uploaded. Always thought that was the most annoying thing about how my diary used to be and you'll probably notice when if you go through the entries.
Today I had a terrible lunch. The receptionist wasn't in at my father's business so I sat in for most of the day. This one guy who comes in and helps my father starts talking to me while I'm reading a magazine and he can plainly see that I am FUCKING READING. Not reading to ignore him, just reading and completely immersed in an article about why scientists like Darwin but hate Freud (Darwin gave credit where credit was due, Freud insulated himself with pedants and took credit when he had no right). So I decide to go take lunch just to get away and in my haste I forgot my keys. Fuck. So I decide to not go back for my keys and walk up the street to this pizza place for lunch. Urf, it got even worse since the last time I was there. The meatballs were like rubber and the sicilian slices were terrible. Taking into account the entry I wrote about liking folks and where I take them to eat, I now know that if I really disliked someone I would take them to La Strada.
Christ, I think I have to rub maggots in my mouth to wash the taste out.
Not much else is going on, I had a stupid thrill when I was able to watch DBZ (just reruns, no buu saga until late spring from what i heard) at my father's business. I hope to play a game of chess tonight though, hopefully I can stay up late enough. Tomorrow's a game day. Whee.
I started playing Pokemon Gold today and I'm going to trade over the totodile that I picked, breed it and then restart and trade over chikorita, trade back the totodile along with some pokemon that I'd like to play around with because I reckon they'd make a good team. Just have no ideas for movesets though.
- Sandshrew
- Poliwag
- Growlithe
- Chikorita
- Scyther
- Pikachu or Mareep
I chose sandshrew because Brack and Mynx use him a lot, poliwag because he never shows up in the cartoon, growlithe because I've only played silver and blue which lack growlithe, chikorita coz chikorita looks like a decent plant pokemon, scyther for false swipe and his speed and the electric pokemon so I can smear the first gym leader. If I choose pikachu, I'll start with pichu because he's so kawaii!
I can just play this for fun rather than fussin' with breeding (I have eight eevees, one of which is female. My 31337ness knows no bounds) unless I really need to get a move on a certain pokemon and I won't have to do much in the way of hunting since I have nearly all the pokemon in silver. If you have any suggestions, please email me.
Then there are the other teams, a mouse team (pikachu, sandshrew, marill, cyndaquil, sneasel and augh I can't think of the final one and yeah i know two are weasels but fucking close enough) and a ball team (poliwag, snorlax, geodude, weezing, eggsecute and slugma [or voltorb]). Was thinking of a legendary team that doesn't use the unique pokemon but I can only think of arcanine, lapras, larvitar and dratini. I'm at a loss for the other three to round the team out.
Oh yeah, I can't fucking understand all the blackouts in California. Don't they still have the same amount of power stations that they had before this fiasco? Okay, I remember hearing a while ago that some were offline for maintenance but fucking come off it already I think maintenance can be put off or done in bits and pieces rather than causing the blackouts. That's what you get for having restrictive hippy laws and trying to have your cake and eat it too.
Sure will be funny when all those internet startups start setting up shop in Iowa or Nebraska.
Lastly, why are people fudging their undies when it comes to John Ashcroft? When Joseph Lieberman was going to be Vice President (a heartbeat away from the presidency elected in a year ending in zero) stated he had strong religious beliefs and upon further investigation they were about as extreme as some would consider Ashcroft. What? If a conservative is a religious Jew it's not as scary because anything that isn't Christian is A-OK since they're not Christian but WHOA SLOW DOWN THERE BUDDY if you're a religious Christian you must be some right wing nutbag who's about to start a race war and start legislating some woman's snatch?
They're both religious, they're both goofy because of that aspect of their character. Maybe it's just kneejerk Democrats who have an inside line on the media and are still bitter over Bush's win in Florida.
ObP7A77: It's not like there are two parties anyway.
Ah well, I did get a game of chess in before the evening was through but it was cut short because Devotchka had to head to bed early so she could take care of Important Responsibility Thingstm and I wish her good luck. Here's the board as it stood, I'm white and she's black.
Search Report!
- analingus
- fruitloops
- fucking nuns
- fudgepacking
- tang
- brian
- astrology
- chuck
- moon church
- smeg
Today was a low-key day. Went gaming (READ THE FUCKING ENTRY, GOD IT WAS FUN), I'm going into NYC tomorrow to do some computer stuff. Networking printers and hooking up a computer to the network on NT so I'm hoping this ain't going to be that bad of a production. See the usual guy they have doing this stuff is out and I'm supposed to be picking up his slack. I don't begrudge him but I hope they're not expecting me to know how to do this one two three.
Hopefully when I get home I can go out clothes shopping with my father and finally get myself some black t-shirts and new jeans. I desperately need new jeans coz the ones I have are worn out in the crotch.
While coming home I came across a raccoon who got hit in the road and I placed him on the side, prayed over him and kissed him. Poor soul. At least it was dark and I could tell it was really an accident but there was this one time where I was out for a really late walk and ended up by my father's business and in a well lit intersection was a skunk who got hit by a car. That was just fucking cruel. I picked the poor soul up and placed him on the corner after covering him with flowers from the planters which lined the streets.
Lastly my ISP seems to be funky and I can't upload this so I reckon this will be late if reconnecting doesn't clear things up.
Sweet dreams.
Year of the Snake 
Happy Chinese New Year! Wow, 4698 flew by so quickly! Yeah, I know the date for this entry is the 25th but I'm writing it on the 24th like I do with most of my entries.
Whew.
Just got in from the city. Thank goodness for Windows being made for use by idiots because I was able to set up network printers, have a computer see the drives on another computer and various other networking stuff all within an hour. Well hot fucking shit on that. Then I set up two computers in one of the rooms that's not networked and then decided to sit down and celebrate the fact that I completed the tasks with a minimum of fuss.
Leaning back and putting my feet on the desk, the chair slipped out from under me and I fell back hard. The back of my head and base of my neck hit the floor but not too hard because I kept my chin on my chest but still it hurts in a dull painy kinda way. Gonna ask my father if my eyes are dilated or anything that might suggest a concussion.
Sadly, the boss called in and told me not to leave until after he arrived so he could talk to me about Project C which was pretty much pushed into my lap and the only thing I could do was gasp and just listen while taking in ideas for things to do on Project C.
I was told that I would get a decent advance and make twice what I'm pulling in from doing Project A and Project B. Oh yeah, I figured out why Project A is having troubles with Macs. Somehow browsers on Macs handle frames differently than Windows browsers and when folks would click on an item in the menu bar the target frame would come up 404 not found. Hurr. The files are definitely on the server and I gotta figure out why this is.
Heard something that made me laugh but shocked me. The receptionist received a phonecall from the company's usual computer guy after he didn't return calls for two days asking what was up and how he could help. The receptionist said, "Oh, we don't need you. We have spivak now."
Woo. Nice compliment but I figure this guy knows more computer stuff than I know. Still that was so fucking cold. Heh.
I was way too tired to try doing anything after work so I decided to go straight home. Fucking hell, I get on the train around six and I get into Millburn at seven. The math's just about right because the train takes an hour to get into the city (including path and waddling to and from the office). Just when I'm done with my Important Responsibility Things tm in NYC, I usually want to see about going somewhere to socialize but I never can find any place that looks cool.
Regarding Pokemon Gold, I have six eggs which I will transfer over and hatch in Gold. From what I remember June_Teal of LambdaMOO telling me that when you trade eggs the person who hatches the egg gives the pokemon the breeder's number rather than treating the pokemon as a traded pokemon. Make sense? Don't mind me, just addled.
The team I have set up is
- Poliwag
- Pichu
- Skarmory
- Lapras
- Houndour
- Sandshrew
I figure I ought to do quite nicely with that team, when poliwag becomes poliwrath I'll beat dark pokemon like a red headed stepchild, houndour to take care of psychics and plants (he'll learn solarbeam to screw with water pokemon), pichu to easily whip the first gym leader in Johto, lapras to do surf and take care of dragons when I face Lance at Pokemon League, sandshrew to dick around with electric types and for speed (probably teach him dig) and finally skarmory because I think a flying steel pokemon is pretty fucking sweet and I've heard some decent things about skarmory too from #90845 and Mynx. This team oughtn't have too many problems with speed either but I'll still give houndour the quick claw.
My only fear is when I trade the eggs over to gold that the steps I took towards hatching them will be reset to the max which means I'd have to do all that walking all over again to hatch them. As things stand at the moment, I only have to do about eighty laps up and down the length of Goldenrod City to have everyone but lapras hatch.
The results of the Lex Luthor poll are in and everyone figures that Lex Luthor is just a shady industrialist and any rumors towards untoward anal shenanigans are as spurious as the fact that Malyss takes it deep up the pooper willingly and asks for seconds. Only one poor soul thought that Lex Luthor was a mad scientist. 11 votes for shady industrialist and five for spurned lover.
Some of you aren't going to like this entry because of what it entails. I think this is really funny and would like to see something set up so it can happen.
I should set aside some money so in case I die, those who are close to me online and whatnot, can fly out to my wake and funeral if and when I die. But there should also be one ticket set aside for one person. The person who wins the contest to come to my funeral! In one paragraph or less, state your case why you should come to my funeral.
No, not now. I'm not dead nor am I planning on being dead.
But if it happens. No, I'm not actively seeking my final destiny. I am not in poor health despite my size. I doubt all of this but I will not go around saying I will outlive everyone because that's the best way to say that one is going to die early. Just look at John Belushi!
Okay he was a coked out lardass. Don't look at him.
I think it'd be really keen, plus the cash put aside wouldn't have to be that much because of airline death discounts. Heck, you can think you're in a wacky episode of Seinfeld and you're the fat nebbish with the latin surname. Costanza, that's it.
I think about death a lot and not in the moody, "when I'm dead you're all gonna be sorry!!!11" kinda way but in the thoughtful way so I know everyone I love will be around and they can see who is part of my life online and offline. The most important thing to me would be having good catering at the reception afterwards because I wouldn't want people to have watered down soda or alcohol or crappy undercooked hors d'ouvres. Leave fat and happy. Like me. Okay, I'm not entirely that happy but after yesterday and being useful I was feeling much happier than usual.
Maybe set up a computer in the funeral home that's connected to LambdaMOO via some temporary, non-guest character.
I hope that I get a decent grave, not some gray soldier that looks like everyone else without an epitaph. I want one of those old fashioned kinda gravestones that's way too fucking heavy for stoners to steal for a coffee table or an obelisk. A grand obsidian obelisk jutting like a huge fucking black cock out of the ground aimed skyward spurting at the heavens!
My life, what little there is, means a lot to me and I want it remembered after death especially if I don't make that big of a mark in life because when people fifty years after my death come upon my gravesite they'll wonder who the fuck I was and fill in the gaps with their imagination and somehow I will live once again even if it is a fiction.
Malyss had a keen idea to have a video gravestone that had a TV screen attached to a video camera down in the coffin and if people were so inclined they could turn on the TV screen and see how the person is doing down in the earth. I wouldn't do it because I'd want to be created. There would be no body underneath my plot in the graveyard, maybe a tylenol capsule kinda thing filled with my ashes (and they fucking damn well better be my ashes and not scraped together and mingled with a stranger's ashes) and everyone else could have a wee bit of me but the rest would be scattered to the four winds. Fire for burning my body, the little bit in the earth, scattered to the winds for air and eventually falling into the ocean for water and my spirit living on in the hearts of those who know and love me then eventually in people's imaginations as they wonder who the fuck I was while I was alive.
I highly suggest that people keep an eye out for a book called "The Bedside Book of Death" by Robert Wilkins. It's a lovely book, with pictures for those of you who are functionally illiterate or "don't read" because it's hard like math to Barbie, all about the history of death, neat stuff about the Victorian age in England, death customs and ars moriendi. I like the book a whole lot and try to read it once a year or flip through it because the sections aren't gross for gross' sake and it doesn't deal with things tastelessly. I wonder if I can get a copy of the review of the book I wrote off the microfilm backups of the old college newspaper by asking there so I can reprint it here.
A strange, short snippet of a dream last night. Overall the dream took place at my father's business except I was living inside the building and my parents were living in the office upstairs. Of course these places were not altered to accomodate living, they were still offices and shops. I had a square bed that I sat upon for most of the dream with deep red covers. While talking on the phone with Devotchka, or someone who was labelled Devotchka in my dream, she told me about how she had a chicken she really wanted to give me and I graciously accepted her gift. She reached through a mirror and handed me a big thing wrapped in aluminum foil that I uncovered and plopped onto my bed. It was a chicken but when I turned it over there were big fat maggots crawling on the other side. Not swarming with maggots, I'd count about thirty, and they were big maggots. Like a baby's pinky finger. Disgusted, I wrapped the fowl back up and started checking the bed for maggots while some voice off camera kept saying "There's one!". Later the dream mixed into reality because I found myself in the same building but the light outside was that gray-blue half light. I knew that I was really standing in the doorway of my father's business looking across at the car detailing place next door.
Good news, eggs that are brought to the brink of hatching in one game then traded over will hatch after a few steps in the new game instead of having to walk around forever and ever and ever to get them to hatch. Lapras takes 10k steps!
Only bad thing about my team is the fact that my pokemon are growing at different rates than each other and it seems that I unwittingly chose a team that shows the differences between experience growth. Poliwag is growing at an alarming rate, houndour and pichu seem to be on the same growth rate. Skarmory, lapras and sandshrew are taking forever to level up. Plus the fact that I'm kinda sorry I chose sandshrew because his defenses aren't that great. I hope that goes away once he goes up in levels or when he evolves into sandslash. Everyone else is doing alright despite the disparity in how they grow in experience.
Looks like when I get a poliwhirl I'll be trading it into the past where water stones are plentiful, I'll just hold off on teaching moves from gold and silver. Probably around the time he learns rain dance.
Yeah, I know this is uploaded late. I'm still pondering shit.
I have bits of a diary entry written down in a notebook and I'm wondering if I should post it or not. Definitely not because it's too personal. I wrote it when feelings were washing over me and I was stuck on some thoughts.
I am thinking about putting it here or not because I don't want it to be redundant. I'm sure that my more diary_spivak entries will just cover the same ground this will cover. The feelings are just human from what I am told. I don't want this to be unentertaining. I also don't want this to get where I can't share shit here either. I also don't want to feel tired repeating the same things over and over again because I reckon since I just FUCKING DONT WANT TO HEAR IT EVER FUCKING AGAIN BECAUSE I HAVE THE FEELINGS IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FIRST PLACE that the feelings might be the same for you, gentle reader.
I do get irritated at myself when it seems like this diary is something I could write to a friend or loved one about myself but I decide to put it up here and somehow it becomes more impersonal, especially when I query if someone reads my diary or if they know what's going on with me from seeing my diary.
Still, I am not gonna stop this. I feel hurried right now and I want to get something up. Please pardon the choppiness of this entry.
I checked my web page to see how many hits it has when I thought I noticed I didn't upload an entry last night. After a second of thought I realized that it was the most recent entry. Whew.
I think I will be playing this round of pokemon gold purely for the master ball along with getting over to that little area of Johto/Kanto where I can get the Solar Beam TM and teach it to the next houndour I get.
I dreamt that I was taking part in a situation to get a world's record. Strangely enough, I have no idea how I could get a world's record since it doesn't involve any great feat on my part or anyone else involved.
I think I wrote out my entry in an email I sent out earlier Saturday but I'm still sick of how I feel and want to avoid posting whiney stuff.
The diary's still about how much it entertains me as much as it entertains you, gentle reader. Also informs, for those of you who come here because you want to know about me.
One thing pisses me off lately and it's from reading the stupid message boards on the web. What is with these fucking morons with their fifteen line signatures but they reply with a one line answer? It's almost as bad as when people reply to my emails and they quote the entire message but only answer "yes" and ignore everything else.
Fucking hell, where has the time gone? It's getting close to the time where I will be returning to Lambda.
My sister's pleasant. I called her on the fact that she never lets the dogs out. She said she wasn't home last week. I stated I'm not talking about last week. She replies simply with "I let the dogs out."
I am on this computer all day. I see what happens in this room. I know my parents let the dogs out in the morning, I even hear them let the dogs out from my room if I am half-awake.
What does my sister do? Comes home. Says hello to the dogs, goes upstairs. In the morning she clomps downstairs and out the door.
Fool.
Whew, what a long day.
Got up late, checked my email, showered then went out the door for my hour long visit with Malyss at Raisin Acres. It was very lovely and I had a lovely time but the ride was really long. I wonder what drugs I was on when I would make it down to Raisin Acres in an hour and thirty minutes because this trip was two hours. The driving took a lot out of me. Something of note, when I left Malyss' place I wasn't crying like the past few times that I did go down to visit her. When I did leave in tears it was because I felt bad about what I had done, because of pressure from Kinja and some general self loathing. The trip to Raisin Acres was lovely and I wish that I could've spent a little more time down there.
She got me a lovely table lamp so I don't have to use the crazy lighting setup I have in my bedroom where I jammed one of those hanging car lights into a dresser and I use that to read by late at night. I got her a nice t-shirt that has a gravestone on the front with the epitaph of "Stranger stop and cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so you will be. Prepare for death and follow me."
Received an email from the office in NYC and they want to have a meeting with me on Wednesday at noon and I asked if it could be moved over to Thursday at noon but how Wednesday would be good if they couldn't change it. Hurr, I hope it's not a bad thing. Christ, I'm going to be doing a lot this week but at least I have tonight and tomorrow to be at home and do absolutely nothing unless I really want to. Right now I have the dishwasher running, picked up the den and I'm going to start laundry after I walk down to the church and move the car to our driveway for the week.
The trip today cut things a bit close, making me late for therapy, but I was able to get enough in so it was a decent session for me. Now that I have a bit of distance on things I have an inkling of what's going on in my head and why I was feeling bad last week. Of course I don't see this directly and I'm only looking at the shadows of what troubled me rather than seeing it head on. It's progress.
I simply need to remember to accept and understand people for who they are and cherish that without trying to hold them up to a standard or a set of assumptions that create a mental model of who that person is to me. It's definitely not fair and the conclusions drawn truly have no basis in reality.
Fucking crap, I feel tired. All the way to the bone. My asscheeks are sore either from sitting down or from all the crawling around I did yesterday going through my room trying to find my wallet. My bones ache. When I do finally sit down to relax, I start to get antsy and feel like I should be doing something but once I get to my feet the lure of cushy softness wrapped in the arms of a bed or couch draws me back, I tell you what.
I had an odd little dream last night about being in my old house and there was a large red crayfish crawling around on the walls. Thing is that it reminded of a dream I had back in the old house when I was a wee spivak that involved walking out from my bedroom into the kitchen slash living room and the floor was covered in live crabs that were scuttling all over the place. I reckon they were like the crabs that cross Christmas Island. In the middle of the mass of crustaceans was my mother sitting on a thin brown chair and I climbed into her lap. When I looked up at her face her eyes were enormous. Not enormous in the grotesque sense but more like gigantic muppet eyeballs growing out of her skull to the exclusion of the rest of her face. Definitely one of the scarier dreams I had when I was a wee spivak. Another dream I had way back when involved me falling in love with this girl who wore a white outfit that was like an alien uniform and she lived on a flying saucer. In that same vein, okay maybe I'm stretching here, I'd also have scary dreams that were probably symbolic about being captured by aliens who only wanted to strap my father and myself to gurneys and prod our crotches with strange electric alien instruments. Those dreams were the worst. Always seemed that my father was getting the worst of the treatment and I was just there to watch his suffering. I figure it's symbolic because my mother's overbearing and pretty much has me whipped and my father under her control but he loves her dearly for some reason. I don't begrudge him.
The last dream that I would have when I was little were my sick dreams where I would be flying or gliding over a surface that was so smooth that it made me sick to my stomach. Eventually the surface would change and it would become horridly jagged like the floor of hell and leave me writing in pain and agony as I went across it. The best analogy was that it was like sand with pins in it that dug into my flesh. The dream would go on through the night switching from the disgustingly smooth area to the terrifyingly rough areas.
Rate my team!
- Exeggutor
- solar beam
- sunny day
- synthesis
- psychic
- Skarmory
- steel wing
- fly
- return
- double team
- Lapras
- surf
- ice beam
- rain dance
- thunder
- Sandslash
- rollout
- defense curl
- dig
- earthquake
- Primeape
- cross chop
- return
- headbutt
- thunderpunch
- Houndoom
- solar beam
- crunch
- flamethrower
- sunny day
I am thinking of switching skarmory out and replacing skarmory with aerodactyl after reading that aerodactyl is tied for second highest speed in the game. Don't know what I will do with sandslash because sandslash's good against electric and fire pokemon but overall I haven't been entirely impressed by the little brick skinned fellow. My lapras will be a dragonkiller and primeape's in there to take care of dark pokemon since I see that poliwrath doesn't get enough fighting moves to be effective against dark pokemon. I am really happy with exeggcutor and houndoom though. Email me. Okay? Okay.
My favorite pokemon types have to be grass, bug and fire. Water used to be in the place of fire but after playing Pokemon Gold and Silver I've realized how cool fire really is. Uhghauhgh fire fire fire!!!! Too bad I couldn't think of a way to include beedrill into this lineup, he's pretty sweet. Much better than scyther.
The moon just went behind a cloud to hide its face and cry.
I feel tired and I feel down. One of my african clawed frogs, Cartman, passed away yesterday. When I got ready to leave for Malyss' place I saw that he was floating in the middle of the water but I figured it was just something like he was being lazy and not floating all the way up to the top. I checked last night and he wasn't moving. I tried placing him in a bowl of fresh water (Poland Spring, as always) but he still hasn't moved. This makes me feel very sad. Poor fellow. I worry about Pinky and if he'll be alright alone.
Last night I bred an oddish who has razor leaf. Whee. I plan on raising the sunflora I have until he learns synthesis so I can breed him with my exeggcute. I have to raise a sunkern so it learns synthesis so I can breed that onto an exeggcute. My sunflora who bred razorleaf onto an oddish will be raised up in levels until it knows petal dance to teach to other pokemon via breeding. Dunno if I'll drop another sunflora off at the old folks home to raise it up until it knows solar beam to breed it onto other pokemon.
I'm even more tired than I have been in quite a while. I'm dreading Wednesday. I want to be in NYC for the briefest amount of time. I feel so tired, I'm depressed, I'm wiped out from raging earlier today. I raged because I was upset about Cartman. The old tank cracked and I had to get a new tank. Didn't really get to talk to anyone at all or if I did I reckon I was just a mess and probably wasn't worth talking to in the first place.
Godmotherfuckinghellfuckshitfire.
God
Fucking
Damn
Ragcunt
AGSGFHU;huegrs7ey5
That's all I have to say.
