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February 2001 I think my sister's started smoking again because I came out to check my email and it's fucking rank with the stink of tobacco. There's a new frog tank after the one yesterday got banged as I carried it around and a corner got broken. I put in new gravel, black for mourning. Cartman's still in a seperate bowl floating quietly. I thought perhaps somehow Cartman would come back but I think it's a foregone conclusion that Cartman has truly crossed over. Last night Pinky sang and he woke me up this morning with his singing. I felt sad not hearing the songs like they used to sing them together in a chorus. I could definitely hear his part but Cartman's donation to the melody was noticably absent. The meeting in NYC wasn't anything that scary or bearing of bad news or whatnot. I think I just feel guilty because I've slouched a bit and didn't want to get caught or called on it. I'm amused at the fact that my diary hasn't been getting as many hits as it had earlier in the month. Still after I removed the clix voting mechanism from my site there were still folks coming along to read my entries. I feel so used!!! Last night I reprised my idea of a superhero submissive known as The Sub. He takes x2 effect from entangles along with various disadvantages that go along with being a submissive. I also brought up why he's called The Sub. Because he's a submissive and he's full of semen. EEEEW GROSS SODOMY Now for some diary_spivak. Ain't I nice? I warn folks instead of just segueing into it quietly until you realize it's way too fucking late. Today I had another attack of thinking that I don't want to talk for fear of coming across like Kinja came across when I was with her (being overbearing and only talking about one subject when there's nothing wrong) and I'm really sensitive about it. I know that certain people have pummelled my head with I can talk with them about anything but I like things to be a certain way. I want to be easy. I want to be happy. I want to be cool. Screw stoicism. Jaybird says that I have divine madness that's tempered with envy. I think it's just anxiety on my behalf and low self esteem. I just worry about coming across like a loser or being yet another person who has to be coddled or nodded at by showing my weaknesses. Fuck I'm a broken record. The only person who fucking hates me is me. GARSGFLUIHFD!!! (*@&%KSHG~!@# Enough rambling. Sweet dreams. I really am okay. Honest. I just hate navel gazing and trying to understand myself so I can understand the world and just get on to accepting me for me and fuck anyone who fucking hates me for being me or leaves me for being me. The last index of your web site index completed 6 seconds ago. It took 53 seconds to crawl 63 pages and index 63 pages containing 203297 words for a total of 1241130 bytes. 26267 word endings, 0 synonyms, and 17740 sound-alike words were included in the index. Jaybird gave me a paragraph describing "divine madness": I was going to buy a copy of Plato's Symposium but Barnes & Noble didn't have it so I ended up getting the Phaedrus bit which defines "divine marriage" and covers other relevant subjects. Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been at least fifteen years since my last confession. My first sin has been resetting the time on my pokemon game to get lots of the special balls made by Kurt in Azalea Town. I have also done this to catch daytime pokemon and to enter the bug catching contest when it wasn't time. I have also tried the trick to make my pokemon shiny but it only works in the Japanese version and I'm tempted to try out the item duplication trick but that's only so I can get extra metal coats and king's rocks. I have two hundred pokemon now. Woo hoo. Oh yeah, maribou doesn't read this part of the diary. Hi, maribou! I went to see how my site is ranked on diarist.net/clix and I'm 230!!! Seems like only six people decide to vote for me through the banner since I don't have a vote link here anymore. I had my fun and blew my load getting to number one. Today was a nothing kinda day except for going on Lambda and such. I enjoyed it while I could. For quite a while, I thought that I had bash pictures uploaded to my site from the old NYE party I attended but recently when I went to show them to Makonan she told me that they weren't coming up. Now they're all uploaded for you to see if you're interested. I think I also have one of the few pictures of Kiki on the internet. A linebacker in a slinky black dress. Riiight. Tonight is just a brain dump, I put away some of the Christmas lights, I stored the creche figures and brought in some of the lit wire frames that were outside for decoration. Dinner was miserable since I couldn't have proper hamburgers and I'm still hungry and it's far too late to get anything but white castle but that will do but I shall stop at Dunkin Donuts on my way back as a happy thing for me and procure two boston cream doughnuts. I played pokemon today, nothing that big just levelling up my exeggcute and trying to get a female bulbasaur so I can have a petal dancing bulbasaur. I doubt I'm going to get anything from the folks who are giving me information regarding Project C by next Tuesday. I'm going to do some web work tomorrow though so there's something to see on the Project A website. Other than that, I smiled because I saw Devotchka today, chatted with Makonan_Guest, maribou and Jaybird and did some tinkering with a web site just because I wanted to keep my hands busy and to do a good deed. When I mean good deed, I don't mean it's a pity kinda thing. Just a good deed. CONELRAD is a site devoted to the culture built up around the shadow of nuclear war. The articles on TV and the rumor of Eisenhower having Arthur Godfrey doing a public service announcement that announces the fact America is under atomic attack is really cool. Got a lot done but I spent a lot of time online wondering if anyone was going to log in. I ended up hanging around in Jaybird and maribou's room most of the time but Jaybird was too busy at work and maribou was distracted by cooking lasagna and archiving music. Urm. Just boring. My parents are coming back home on Sunday but I think there will be some rough points because my mother's car isn't back from the auto body place and they'll be coming home very late. I'll just snow them with the fact that I was busy all week going in and out of NYC plus the fact I couldn't find anyone to help me out to get the car. That's the ticket. Definitely need to move the car back to the church tonight but it's so cold and I don't want to walk back alone I just want to move the car down there and walk back with someone and talk or just enjoy the night. I did dream but the only thing I recall is that one of my father's employees came back to my father's business after leaving it in a huff. He was just a customer and had a very strange mustache that framed his mouth. That's about all I remember.
So here I am, Sunday morning (technically even though it's Saturday night to decent people) and typing up a diary entry in the dark accompanied by Winamp playing Somewhere Beyond the Sea in a bubble of light in the midst of this dark empty house. Upstairs the dogs are settling down for the evening and my sister's out doing whatever my sister does when she's out with her friend.
I was thinking on my way back from dropping off my car that I do sincerely hope that when people say certain things to me or act in a certain way that they truly mean it and accept whatever strangeness and expectations I might apply to such acts/words.
spivak is not entirely unpredictable or so irrational that he should be considered a time bomb waiting to go off. Just certain things give spivak hope, give spivak the feeling that someone really cares and they are interested in him.
Heh, writing in the third person. I only did that because I remember back in college I was told starting sentences off the same way every time gets really old and unreadable after the first paragraph. Also that bit is written for everyone who might read this, not one person because if I had to say something I would say it in private email instead of being a big pussy and posting it in the public to be all embarassing.
I know that I don't have to qualify everything I fucking say.
Don't want to be kissed unless someone really wants to kiss me, I don't want to be hugged unless it's really a hug meant to be close to me, definitely don't want to be told that someone likes me unless they really do like me and are prepared to put up with all the baggage which comes from being me.
Sure most of my stuff is probably normal human stuff but somehow in my head these feelings don't make sense and seem extreme. Maybe it comes from the fact that I feel I don't deserve them or I think everyone's going to string me along and then fuck me over in the end.
Right now I'm really stretching for something to write in here and I definitely don't want this to come across as forced unless I'm writing that it is forced just to fill up space. Part of my motivation is to understand myself better and the other half is all about the exhibitionism that comes with an online diary.
Time for bed.
Ah, hello again. For you it's only been a mere moment but for me it's been at least sixteen hours since I wrote the previous paragraphs. My parents came home early from Saint Martin and they seem to be in good spirits, I had to go run and pick them up from the airport which meant that I had to fucking miss Futurama and King of the Hill.
Cry!
My parents gave me a hundred bucks because they didn't get me anything down in Saint Martin but they did take care of one thing: I asked them to procure Cuban cigars for me to give to my boss to kiss ass and get in better than I already am. Ahahahaha. Dunno when I'll drop them off but I'll definitely have to drop them off sometime soon.
I buried Cartman today and he was most certainly gone. I cried inside when I saw his little gray-green body lying face up in the hole I dug him under one of the pine trees and I gently replaced the earth over him, praying that God would take Cartman, hold him to his heart and let Cartman join in the chorus of angels with his froggy song. Then I threw the fishbowl away and went back inside to hug the dogs.
As you might've noticed up in the upper right hand corner of my website I have implemented voting for my website. Just been bored and decided to add something to my page and have a bit more interactivity than it just being something you read.
The binary reminds me of when I was back on UNM MOO which was the second MOO I discovered and I was known as 00100011 which is binary for #. It was a place where I experimented with morphing and I did a lot of neat things like create an entire area that was called Dionysius Epsilon which was a small planet circling a gas giant called Dionysius somewhere in the universe. The two stories behind Dionysius Epsilon is that humans started colonizing the planet and preparing to make it into a vacation spot when there was a fire which killed ¼ of the colonists. They buried them which exposed them to something they named Lazarus weed because it was a fungi that reanimated animals. Realizing this made turning Dionysius Epsilon into a vacation spot a bad idea and they abandoned it, leaving only a few xenoarchaeologists who began studying the remains of a civilization that they think tried colonizing the moon.
Dionysius Epsilon is used once every millennium by a race of crystalline entities who come there to begin their erosion. In human terms, Dionysius Epsilion is their Florida and they're going there to run out the clock. The electromagnetic field of the gas giant Dionysius is very pleasurable to them and the damp, humid weather aids in breaking down their silicate structures and "releasing" their pattern to the universe.
I coded up a room that would imitate a hostile environment, teleporting people out to someplace like heaven or hell if they weren't wearing a protective suit, tried making a room like #5399 on Lambda except using the satellites (called the maenads) that encircled Dionysius. The entire system was named after the god of wine, the only other moon people could visit was Dionysius Beta where you could see such sights as Bromios crater, the spires of Orthos and the chaotic terrain of Valles Enorches. As you could guess, Valles Enorches is known for the vast amount of giant boulders strewn along its bottom.
The rest of the system is made up of two ice balls and a rocky, Venus-like planet which I didn't describe. Its star is a star which is beginning to fuse helium and starting down the path to becoming a red giant. There are about two and a half billion years left for Dionysius, less for D. Epsilon because it will be uninhabitable long before then.
I remember most of the plant life on D. Epsilon was made up of fungi with only a few true plants (red ferns) standing out from the crowd. Tall, fungal trees with purple trunks and black canopies stretched from horizon to horizon. Underneath was a dark, humid climate where other fungi flourished away from the light of the sun. The only ambulatory life forms on D. Epsilon, outside of the opportunistic Lazarus weed, was a fungi related to the black trees which skittered across the canopies keeping them clean and kiteweed which grew in long yellow vines up the purple trunks of the black trees. Once it made its way through the canopy and avoided being eaten by the tenderweed they unfurl their gills and are lifted into the air following the currents like jellyfish on the surface of the ocean consuming airborne microorganisms, exchanging spores then falling, dead, back down to the surface. Lazarus weed infects dead tenderweed and makes it climb up the trunks and skitter around consuming bits of the canopy instead of cleaning it and leaving it be. Dead humans infested with Lazarus weed just wander around and gnaw on the purple trunks to no avail but usually get the idea that the fungi under the canopy is better to eat.
The structures left behind by the crystalline beings look like they're made from large pieces of malachite but the material is a synthetic they created which is like glass to them and allows them to be protected from their environment while getting the full effect of the electromagnetic rays streaming through like sunshine through a window in a greenhouse.
The main colony is fairly overgrown, it's basically a pre-fab setup that will last quite a long time. Parts of it are maintained by the xenoarchaeologists. Not much else.
Right now it's snowing and coming down at a good pace, I figure there will be at least six inches on the ground before everything is through. If there's more snow, I know that I won't complain but I won't go out shovelling until the snow completely falls. Went out and got some food, a twelve pack of root beer (for some reason they're not carrying my orange soda anymore), devil's food crumb cake doughnuts, a package of hamburger rolls, a loaf of bread, some jelly for peanut butter and jelly, ground beef and hot rolls for later. Whee.
Other than that, I'm just thinking about spending more time away from LambdaMOO again.
John Edwards is a man with one amazing ability: the ability to do a cold reading. Don't know exactly where I stand on these issues since I get laughed at for some of my beliefs (some of which are patently silly like the "magicke CD-ROMME" or just believing in ghosts and such) but when there are people like this who get paid to do a show where they prey upon the feelings of people who desperately want to speak with those on the other side for ratings then it rubs me the wrong way.
It also rubs me the wrong way when I see these staunch crystal rubbers and white lighters with faggoty sigs going off on how they are the authority because they have no seeds of doubt within their body.
I figure that if someone could truly talk with the dead as easily as picking up a randing ringing pay phone and knowing who the person was on the other end, I'd assume they'd go out of their way to find their subject rather than having their subject come to them. Without desire to be recompensed for such an ability. Of course the argument of "the psychic just read the obits page and kept a list of people to scam" can be made.
When I see these psychics on TV like John Edwards or Miss Cleo, I just frown because all they are doing are asking generalized questions that slowly become more specific as the questioner gets answers. I try to avoid asking questions in a tarot reading, when I do engage in such activities and I haven't in ages because the last time I did a tarot reading it was for Kinja and the folks before Kinja were fucking sheep who relied upon me to tell them (through the cards) what to do, so I don't come across as doing a cold reading.
Now I'm on another subject, this is the kind of shit that makes me hate LambdaMOO and LambdaMOOers. On the whole, they are mindless sheep who are part of a loosely associated herd who would rather maintain the idea that they are part of a herd rather than being an individual. Sure, being the head of a clique on Lambda makes it easy for me to say that but I don't think of it as a clique and the first time that I consider anything associated with *stonecutters to be cliquish then I'll just trade the list and quota over to Malyss, Niney, GreyDruid or someone chosen at random.
Nobody wants to question the reason why they are associated or friends with other people, everyone wants to accept things wholesale and not think about it because these abstract things are "not important" (and if they were to me, I should get a life).
This is degenerating into rambling so I'll cut it here and upload.
Buddha couldn't make it to the game tonight because of car trouble and therefore we had to postpone the game because Tim said something big was coming down and he needed everyone there not just a quorum to hold a game. Go check out the gaming diary entry and read up if you're so inclined.
I did some work today but not as much as I did earlier. The kleig lights/spotlights that I made for Project A were turned down by the guy who requested them on the website and the big cheese said he wanted the lights I created earlier to be put back on the page but in a different area. Bah, I thought I did quite well with the lights especially since I copied the image the second in command procured for me.
Other than that, not much else went on today except for the game, spending some time with Devotchka on LambdaMOO as a guest and browsing the web. Tomorrow I will think about going into NYC to give the boss his cuban cigars then going over to the Compleat (fucking fag brit spelling) Strategist to get ten ten siders for the brief L5R RPG interlude Tim has planned (he's going to run the gempukku ceremony in the back of the main L5R sourcebook) and the subsequent WoD campaign that Diane will be running.
For the curious, here are the most recent searches of my site: I'll be hornswaggled if this diary entry doesn't show that spivak has a heart. Those DownMOO jackoffs are easy because they're always hepped up on so psychoactive drugs any vestiges of their former personalities are just tatters stuck to the inside of their skull. C'mon, let me onto DownMOO already! I want to read more about crinkling tampons, public sexual manipulation, fellatio at AA meetings, the depressive fits that you hide away from the rest of the world in the warm coccoon of downmoo.sloth.org:8888, latest cries for attention that amount to slivers of stainless steel being shoved through skin, yet another fag poetry reading and so on.
I feel your pain and I want to be one with you.
Thanks for all the hits, not that it means anything but it saves me the trouble of sitting at my page for an hour hitting shift+reload to boost up the counter.
Just before waking up, there was a brief dream about Pinky, his tank and the whisper filter. Last night I was wondering what was up with the filter and why it was being so noisy instead of just passing water back into the tank quietly. Being overtired, I couldn't make heads or tails of the situation so I slept on it.
The dream was basically me going over to the tank and removing the filter which hangs off the wall of the tank. A long hollow rod goes into the water to siphon water out into the filter and that rod fell off. Pinky wasn't an african clawed frog but a baby alligator with the skin of an african clawed frog. Looking in through the water I could see Pinky gnawing at the rod so I tapped the sides to spook him and reached in carefully to take the rod except Pinky snapped at me as a warning. Pinky resumed his attention towards the rod and started hugging the rod. I started getting sad because I knew that Pinky was missing Cartman.
When I pulled the filter out, I replaced the tank lid which was now encrusted with moss or algae. Once it was firmly on top the water was green and thick like the green stuff on the tank's lid.
I remember watching Pinky and Cartman in the tank a bunch of times, Pinky would grab onto Cartman's sides from behind and Cartman would push off then float through the water. Lovely froggy piggyback rides.
My father just gave me that tarot reading and I don't know how to take it. His heart was in the right place but I have a feeling that the reading was mostly him telling me his hopes for me and how he'd like to see my life end up in the end. His technique was to have me shuffle and cut the deck of cards seven times, then lay out the cards in a triangle with one on top followed by three, then four and so on until there were seven cards along the bottom.
Except for the first card of each row, I flipped the cards over. Never found out what were in the unflipped cards. The layout was something like this: S = swords, C = cups, W = wands, P = pentacles, (R) = reversed.
I'm just glad that the ten of swords came up instead of the nine of swords. So anyway, he said that the reading had to do with getting out of a deep relationship but how I am still friends with the woman and how she has a new guy in her life. Goes on how I eventually meet someone who isn't in my life in any fashion and though there are struggles, it will end up good in the end. My father did seem to put an air of how things would be miserable in some ways and towards the end he said I would end up fighting with this other woman but I read that more as his projecting his relationship with my mother onto me like I'm Mini-Him.
Don't have the energy right now to take a look at this stuff but I'll eventually get around to going through this list and seeing what I see. On the up side, there's definitely money in my future, I see my friend Brian and the only thing that I am interpreting is whomever is the Queen of Cups right now (or in the imminent future) might become the Queen of Swords. Still, no Tower, no 9 of Swords, no Devil.
I thought I fucked up the item duplication trick today and lost both of my rattatas with king's rocks but I still have them. Hooray! Now I don't have to worry too much when I try duplicating the TMs for solar beam, shadow ball, earthquake and such.
My gold team right now is: Next team that I make up I want to include girafarig, gastly (who gets all his moves at level 36 if he doesn't evolve), maybe switch out houndour for growlithe and put exeggcute (dream eater, ancientpower, sleep powder, giga drain) on the team. Definitely not going to keep this game on the cartridge but I will trade these pokemon over to silver for safe keeping and play through one more time to get a master ball.
Just hope that I run into a shiny one of these days.
Didn't do too much of anything today.
Didn't dream
Played some pokemon. Duh.
Just want to find happiness in myself and I don't want to be lonely.
I know I'd definitely feel better if I raged about something.
My plans for Friday are simple: If Tim doesn't want to drive up here to see Hannibal then I'm going to head down to a ghost society meeting in Westfield to check it out. Don't know if it'll be irritating like the ghost society that Malyss and I checked out last summer.
The south Jersey ghost society were a bunch of people who thought that little sparkles on their digital cameras are ghosts and when a picture came back from the lab with a large whitish spot that looks like a chemical got spilled on the negatives. Malyss went to a meeting then at the last minute one night she was invited to go out and take part in a cemetery walk to look for ghosts. I thought the night went quite well where we took pictures quietly and I whispered stuff to Malyss away from any microphones.
Two days later we heard back about how I was unwelcome and they wouldn't be specific about what I did that made them not want me around and how they didn't want Malyss there either because we shouldn't have been there and we should've known that.
Okay, I'm getting pissed. I'm gonna make a telephone call and holler evil things at these people. Well, the one person.
There, that was lovely. Thank goodness for cordless telephones and the outdoors.
Anyway, if this ghost society in Westfield ends up being like the south Jersey one I'll be disappointed.
I'm surprised that I did get something to put into my entry other than just the first five lines before the big paragraph break.
Good night.
This played when people viewed this entry on this day.
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hetchoo! Hi dere, I hab da floo. Ib been coffin and it hurds my bag and me heab id filleb wid some strayg flood. I hobe dis id gone by Monbray. sniff Ugh. This is Kinja's birthday (2/11/01 when I wrote this). Happy birthday to you where ever you are. On that note, I don't get my mother's logic. I go upstairs wrapped in my brown blanket and make myself some dinner (only meal I'll have all day) and she walks in minutes later and starts with "those socks should go in the garbage" and "you smell". What ever happened to "how are you feeling?" Oh wait, I forgot. A bunch of months ago she said she doesn't care about me or my life. It all makes sense. Anyway, the socks aren't dirty or filthy, just been shuffling around upstairs and they flipped over so the bottoms were on top. Regular wear and tear but her words made it seem like I was wallowing in fecal matter. Still sick, feeling a bit better but my back hurts when I cough. At least I can breathe better through my nose but my throat makes funny noises when I breathe. Gonna slug down some NyQuil and see if that does anything for me which I doubt. On the upside, I haven't had dizzy spells nor have I been shivering. Gray skies are gonna clear up... In the world I see -- you're stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You will wear leather clothes that last you the rest of your life. You will climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. You will see tiny figures pounding corn and laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of the ruins of a superhighway. I had an interesting dream that took place at my grandmother's house. Don't have any idea why I continue to have dreams about that place. What I do recall from the dream was a discussion I had about my fears regarding teleportation. How I was in horror at the fact that I was putting my existence in the hands of some machine out of blind faith to destroy me then recreate me entirely on the other end. My argument was that I could be recreated physically on the other end but what about the spark that is essentially me? Can a machine recreate that spark? I kept repeating over and over about on the other end of teleportation there would be piles of bodies without any consciousness. They'd have the same number of atoms and particles that they had before being transported but something was missing. I checked my temperature today and I am down to 100.5°F. Whee. That's about 38°C. Saturday I was flying high at nearly 104°F. Finally procured a porygon and thank goodness that porygons can lay eggs. Spent about 100k to buy up game center coins (forget playing the slots) and now I'm gonna breed two porygons. One might be used in a team and the other one will be traded over to blue for the sake of completeness. Still resting, hoping that my health will be good enough that I can go to the game on Tuesday without any guilt so I can see what the fuck is going to happen and not have people get pissy at me because Tim can't run the final scene without everyone being at the game. Good news about my condition is that I actually feel the cold air. Before I was just stumbling through surrounded by my sick hot aura then getting the shivers. Now I feel almost normal. Definitely need to see Fight Club again sometime soon. Maybe that'll boost my spirits or get my mind off things that get me chasing my tail. Too bad there isn't any loose sheetrock that I could punch. Venting my anger hasn't been the same since I shattered the handle of this axe / sledgehammer thingy beating the garage floor all those years ago. Finally I've been pondering something that maribou told me earlier today: people oughtn't have sex unless they love each other I guess in a perfect world, that would be best. Can you fucking believe it? I lost this fucking entry. AUGH!!!!!!!! What did I do with my day? Spoke with my father, he told me how he knew of an apartment over in Union that he could set me up with but I turned it down because I would need a roommate. Also spoke with my father wondering what he thought of my idea of seeing a male therapist for a few sessions to see if it truly is different than seeing a female therapist. Lately I've been turning over in my head that my therapist works with battered women and I'm probably her only male patient who isn't mandated by the state to see her (if she has any). I'm not a woman. I won't victimize myself. I know the person who has beaten me up more than my mother is me and I take responsibility for it. Just something's missing or feels like it's missing right now in therapy like eating a vegan meal and feeling full but not satisfied. Drank orange juice, listened to Radiohead's High and Dry over and over while reading the script to American History X. I really liked it. I'm also pretty happy with the fact that I was able to find that picture of Jack and Marla for Valentine's Day. Ended up using it for a valentine that I made up. When I went to bed last night I was reminded that I had some bits of dreams to share but none of them come to mind. Fuck. Speaking of things never come to fruition, while trying to think up something to put between the <TITLE> tags I had this great idea to get pink dryer lint and fold it up with crazy origami crap and turn it into a rose. Speaking of which, I do hope that my shenanigans have been brought to fruition. My current winamp playlist.
Radiohead's been getting lots of replay, sometimes fading into the background noise and other times taking all of my attention. The first three songs just seem to work with each other, fading into one another. It's hard to listen to Every Breath You Take because when the "Since you've gone" part comes up I start hearing me singing it in the way that I think it should be sung which is a monotone roar of a stalker who has just captured his quarry. I regret that I didn't perform my version of Every Breath You Take for the lovely townsfolk of Raisin Acres. *stonecutters broke six figures on 2/15/01 at 12:34 a.m. Lately I've been wishing that I could climb up on the roof of our house to watch the sunset. Today was a gray, rainy day. The lights inside seem extra bright for some reason, maybe the light that's over the desk is going to go pop tonight and I'll have to change it. Bah, I hate changing the lights because I have to unscrew three screws, loosen the fourth, twist the plate to the left and then fumble around trying to unscrew the lightbulb. What the fuck were they thinking when they installed these fixtures? Why haven't my parents replaced the fixtures? Why am I still here? The highlight of my day was playing chess (i had to concede, only had a pawn, a king and a queen left on my side and i had to run out to get my father), the busy part of my day was taking Ben and Kate to the vets for their rabies shot and the low point of my day was all the coughing I've been doing. The coughing has been productive and I'm sure my lungs will have their normal moisture by the time I'm through with this. I feel bad for my father, he had to give up his Grand Marquis (my grandfather owned it) because it seems my grandfather had an accident years ago that twisted the frame and it was dangerous to drive. Been driving it for at least three years with no problems but my father erred on the side of caution and now he's driving this tiny stationwagon. Right now I'm tired of going to the diner alone, tired of going to movies alone. Bah. I think I'll see Hannibal tomorrow. Bother Tim and see if he's up to go see it or if Brian is up to seeing Hannibal. I know that Buddha will not be since he doesn't like driving further than Ronni's unless it's for a game. Thanks to Tim for sharing that so now I don't feel as insulted when he doesn't show up when he seems to show an interest in doing something. Oh well, he has that liquor skinhead pit over in that town. Well there was one pleasant surprise for today. My mother went to visit her mother for the weekend. Whee! Also going to dinner with my father to the diner, I reckon it's his first time there. Just got home from some food shopping where I got orange soda (pathmark doesn't carry it anymore but foodtown did), four cans of progresso soup, a pint of ice cream and a loaf of bread for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I think my ramen noodle soup is pulling something strange on me because after I have a bowl I cough a whole, whole lot and it feels cold and watery. Just can't get a good rolling cough going to clear out my lungs entirely. Not much else is going on. I am worried about Dee after her spill on Thursday but I reckon she'll be alright. Not doing too much, it's a lovely quiet Sunday that's cool and sunny outside. Have to discuss a thing or two in therapy on Monday.
Thrilling. |
Went into NYC today in hopes of dropping off a gift for my boss and dropping off my invoices which amount to $1500 for the work I've done up to now. Ended up that the office was closed which meant that I couldn't drop off anything, heck they set up the elevator so you could only go to the first floor and the eighth floor. The office is on the third floor. I tried breaking into the stairwell to shove my envelopes under the door but no dice. So I decided to make the most of my sojourn into NYC and bought 10d10 for the upcoming L5R and World of Darkness RPGs. I reckon I will play a Dragon samurai (not an ise zumi) in the L5R game but I won't be able to play a Dragon that I create but use a pregenerated one. Fooey. The Dragon samurai I want to play is very much unlike a Dragon and more like a Lion in demeanor but still retaining the essence of what it means to be affiliated with the Dragon clan. As for the World of Darkness RPG that'll be set in Kansas, Diane's originally from Kansas and she's using an area she knows and an area we can explore in game, I don't know what I want to play. I could play a vampire but playing a vampire would mean playing an elder and elders aren't entirely that fun because they're overpowered and the best roleplaying one gets is when the character is a low-level dipshit who needs to rely on one's wits instead of one's level four potence + two blood points pumped into strength with the additional dice that a katana gives (12 levels of damage, 4 are automatic successes). Of course the character I speak of is Monty Prince, the nosferatu who walked the line between the Sabbat and the Camarilla. While in the city, I fed a mouse and it was soooo cute even though I only saw the mouse on the opposite platform. Walked around a wee bit but was really bored after a while. Therapy was alright, I expressed my feelings about therapy and how things are going but didn't broach the thing about a male therapist because I knew it was my way of sublimating my other problems with therapy into one that was a tidy nutshell. Tuesday wasn't much of anything, just showered, did a spot of laundry, picked up important stuff around the house then went out to the game. I am going to head into NYC on Wednesday to do what I wanted to take care of on Monday while keeping an air of "I really gotta run along". Sigh, I'll have to get ten bucks from my dad but I don't think that will be too much trouble. Been reading the pokemon boards over at gamefaqs.com but I haven't had the gumption to play pokemon since I'm at a point where there are very few pokemon to catch in the first place and how the only stuff I'm really gonna do is try to make up the perfect team to use if I ever play against anyone in a linked battle (which I doubt right now). Just wanna get a check in the mail, make sure that my taxes are done on time then cool down. Lately I've been feeling really tired but I don't want to be in my room because it has the aquarium smell (african clawed frogs aren't the cleanest creatures) and my room is a mess plus it doesn't feel comfortable in there for some reason. Hopefully I'll find my walkman for the train ride tomorrow or I'll just resort to reading the Phaedrus speeches. I'm on the part where Socrates describes the three types of divine madness and includes a fourth type of divine madness. Over the next week or so, I'll hopefully be receiving epilogues about the various characters in Tim's game which I'll be posting in the other column with relevant anchored links just in case anybody misses them when they're uploaded. Good night. Heh, lastly. Good lord, I couldn't help but notice Diane's cans all night. Jeez!  thou shalt not smile thou shalt not dream The boss liked the Cuban cigars that I procured through unnamed sources. Know what is really gross? Sitting down to take a poop and then realizing that you recognize what you just passed by smell. Ugh, I had pancakes with eggs and bacon today and during that fateful evacuation I realized that I was passing the scrambled eggs. Eeew. KISS ME, GOD DAMN IT! I AM SEXY! I know that would make you bitches all hot.  Here are the searches on my site
You can do better than that. C'mon. I'm glad that I've gotten Devotchka addicted to the crack that is Yahtzee on LambdaMOO. Fuck, this entry's just going to be a bunch of ideas like fucking Larry King's USA Today column. Right now I have this ghost documentary on TLC playing on the TV and they were discussing electronic voice phenomena (EVP) and I was wondering if these researchers ever took recordings of these noiseless rooms with solid state recording devices that wouldn't make ambient noise during the recording process on the media involved. For all I know, the EVP that's being touted is spurious like the so-called subliminal messages on heavy metal albums. Sure, I'd love to see that EVP is real or there's a reason for EVP (certain materials used in construction act as recording media and simply emit what it has garnered over the decades) but I can't see believing in the shit these ghost researchers advertise as good science. Psyche! This isn't about pokemon. Right now I'm slaking my thirst with a lovely drink combination of Tropicana Twister Ruby Red Tangerine and Orangina. Not as nice as the beverages I dreamt about the day before but it fits the bill. I'm reticent to repost the dream here because I told three readers about the dream on Lambda or in private email.  See that? Right above this text. I want one of those except the place that has them is currently out of stock and I don't want the one they have on top of the screen because it's way too fancy and isn't as cute as the one that I want. I remember a long time ago they offered them in plaid. Ohwait, I was thinking of this site not the other site and they make them in plaid or paisley. Whee!!! I also want one of these even though it's a hunnert bucks or so. I feel fucking miserable. My lower back hurts for some reason, my belt feels too tight even though I have it very loose and the fact that my pant legs seem to be a touch too long is really grating on my fucking nerves. Right now I'm just trying to drink a lot to make up for the diarrhea I had yesterday. This is really uncomfortable and I'm trying to keep my whining about this to a minimum so I'll end this entry here. What do I want? I want to get away from here and never come back except to visit. One of my anxieties about moving out is screwing up a job and having to move back. I just want a little place out in the middle of the woods where there's no background noise or light pollution from the highway or the general traffic and life in suburbia. Sit outside in the summer and watch the day fade from the deep shadows of noontime to the susurrations of the cicadas at twilight followed by the deep croaking of bullfrogs out in the woods. Get myself a big ol' dog who I can let run free without worrying about him getting in trouble bigger than a pissed off possum. Don't really care about being close to NYC or any city, just as long as there's less than an hour's drive from the supermarket and a few take out places that hopefully deliver. A place where I can sit in the window and watch the snow ghosts through the trees and over the ground. I saw a bunch of those today because today was just a gray, foggy humid day that was murder on the snow cover around here. A low, thick fog hovered over the snow like a ghost of snowstorms past and it looked even nicer when I saw it through the trees when I went out earlier. Trying to think of something more to put down but it's not coming. I am upset that the program my father got me (Web Shop Designer 2000) is really geared towards NT hosts and servers because it has stuff for ASP. Sigh. I'm going to be using it and gaining yet another valuable skill (even though I doubt many people use ASP) but I better start learning perl and getting some scripts. Got up early and hitched a ride with my father to his business where my car has been parked since last Thursday, procured two bagels with scrambled egg and taylor ham, napped, ran the dishwasher, cleaned out Pinky's tank (it went surprisingly smoothly today and I was happy about that. Usually getting the siphon to work is a bit of a chore but I reckon whomever is playing me in the greater RPG where one plays regular people they put experience points into my Aquarium Maintenance skill making it based on intelligence instead of being a general skill making it easier overall), played a friendly game of chess with Devotchka, took care of the dogs, went out to therapy, got White Castle for dinner, ate in my room while Pinky sang to me because I cleaned out his tank. Only things I have planned for the rest of the evening are watching the season finale of Lexx, doing random stuff online and bed. I gave up drinking soda as much as I have been since around last July, mostly sucking down orange soda, Citra and the occaisional Barq's root beer when Pathmark was out of stock with the former two beverages. Mostly it's paranoia of getting diabetes even though there is no history of diabetes in my family except for my father's cousin but he had it as a result of other ailments which were brought about by seriously abusing his body with alcohol. Just gonna stick with drinking seltzer, only drinking sodas when I'm out with friends or gaming. Speaking of which, tomorrow is gaming night with the whole denounment of Tim's campaign followed by discussing what characters we will play when Tim runs his brief L5R campaign. Whee! I think I'm going to play a nosferatu in Diane's game but I don't know if I will be playing Monty Prince or if I'll be playing someone completely new. None of the other clans appeal to me except the gangrel and assamites. Just can't get a decent idea for an assamite or gangrel character. Oooh! Oooh! I could play a caitiff (bloodline - less vampire) who claims to be a member of the Clan Caine and the only pure blood. If I was going to play a werewolf, I was going to play either a Get of Fenris metis (when a werewolf loves a werewolf very much, they break the litany [werewolf law] and have a little deformed baby werewolf and that offspring is called a metis) who has the defect of being completely hairless. He's the ultimate skinhead. The other one is a former Black Spiral Dancer (werewolves who were turned to the Wyrm, the Wyrm is entropy incarnate) who was cleansed in the silver lake of Erebus and was accepted as a warrior among the Children of Gaia who is trying to put right the disturbing things he did in his past. Just got in from gaming, since Tim got canned because Aetna's closing down a branch in NJ he had the time to come out to the diner with Brian and myself which was pretty cool. I know he doesn't appreciate it, and I did tell him, that I said "I really like it when you get fired because then we get to spend more time with you". The diner was pleasant enough, I was very polite with my pleases and thank yous then talked with my pals. After the main course arrived I asked for a refill of my soda. Goodness, I was smiles and sunshine about it too. She went off and I returned to chatting with my pals. Fifteen Minutes Later I was always looking around, following the waitress in hopes she would see me watching and get the hint that I wanted my sody-pop because I couldn't chow down without something to quench my thirst. Tim and Brian chided me because I was starting to go a bit nuts by turning my chair and smiling and staring trying to be polite. Yes, she seemed to be the only member of the waitstaff but there was my soda sitting under the fountain all full and waiting. I did notice that some cops had come in for their nightly repast and they were getting wonderful service along with the people sitting behind us. Finally I spoke up, "Ma'am, may I have my soda with no ice please?" all polite and everything. Twenty minutes later and my fucking food was cold and the soda was warmer than I would've wanted it to be. Yeah, fuck you. I ordered it without ice but if I had ice I know it would've been watered down. As she walked away I muttered, "So fucking sorry that I don't have a god damned badge for you to fucking fawn over" which Tim heard but Brian didn't hear. Brian was all upset because he was thinking I would make a scene and he reminded me of the police. The first time I responded to him I was a bit curt but I clarified the point I was trying to make. I have nothing to fear from the police, I'm simply eating my late dinner and waiting for my soda. I said I wasn't leaving a tip and we ended up leaving only two bucks and the order was $24. While Brian wasn't looking, Tim had already started going out, I tore off a 1/4 of a dollar and threw it on my plate. I was fucking irritated that I didn't have a pen so I could've left a nasty little message but in retrospect it was more than enough in its own passive aggressive way. Too bad, I'm usually really patient and a good tipper giving about 25% sometimes because I know they live on tips and I would like to continue to patronize a restaurant with a happy waitstaff. A nice memory that included Kinja. I thought it was only fair after all the things I wrote about Kinja to post something that was good. I searched my site to make sure I'm not repeating myself. There was a time where we went off to a ren faire but it was raining and fairly cold to normal people and anemics. Not me. After about ten minutes I started to get bored, was entertained watching a turtle race then discovered that there was an elephant on the premises. Oh boy! An elephant. I waddled over to the elephant ride pen and petted the elephant's trunk while she sniffed me. Her name is Paige. It was so very cool because her trunk was covered in this strange bristly hairs, not smooth like I would've figured an elephant's trunk would be, and when she exhaled at me through her nose there was this smell that came with it. The only way I can describe it is a big animal smell, like there was a furnace burning inside of her to keep everything going. I was enraptured by Miss Elephant, the sheer bigness of Paige. Kinja and I walked away but we eventually made our way back where I shared my iced tea with Paige to which her handler snapped at me with "don't do that". Foo. I hung my head and shuffled away. The only thing I regret about this is there was no camera to catch the moment and I doubt I will ever be up in the area of that ren faire again to see Paige. Fooey, I can't find any sites on google that list elephant rides or elephants named Paige. Sigh.  That there is a picture of me with a lovely moocow that I ran across when I went to the 4H fair with Malyss a few years ago. Cows are really keen and it was fun making Malyss get sick getting into her car with my forearms and hands covered with cow juice because the cows couldn't help themselves and had to lick me with their scratchy tongues. They have tongues like cats! It's troOooOOoo. Then we'd go over and see the horses and always there would be people going around and saying "be careful around that horse" because some horses didn't like being touched or approached by anyone they didn't know but I remember when I was able to go up to a horse and pet the side of his muzzle and it was so soft but when I saw Mr. Horse lay his ears back I knew I had to back up before I got nipped. Then down at the 4H fair they have bunnies and I usually made hints that I was going to get Malyss a bunny because she misses her bunny who is still down in South Carolina but Malyss would always say that she'd have no place to put a bunny at her house and she'd have to hear her parents gripe about yet another animal around the house. Still, I'd always talk and find out how much the bunnies were but in the end I was a pussy and decided to respect Malyss. Lemme see, venom. I was watching Jerry Springer on Monday, I was up early because I went to go get the car and Springer is on around 10 a.m., and they had a show about lovers revealing that they were cheating and how they wanted nothing to do with the poor person being dumped. The first of these episodes was where this girl finds out her boyfriend is gay from her boyfriend's lover. Jesus, such fucking venom came from this faggot towards this girl he never ever knew and how his fag boyfriend was behind him 100%. Pun intended. Suddenly something clicked in my head... Punch a queer. No, that's not it. Trying to think about Kinja's motivations, like this one conversation: spivak, what might happen if I meet Malyss? That conversation along with the way that Kinja always reacted even if she heard the name Malyss in a movie (you'd be surprised how many characters are named Malyss) she would just get all fucking pissy. I never badmouthed Malyss and when I was with Kinja I didn't understand why she would be a topic of conversation. Whenever Kinja spoke of her husband at the time I never got all pissy and thought about altercations with the filthy Turk. She didn't paint a pretty picture of him and there wasn't anything I could do since she wanted to get what she had coming to her (in all fairness, she was generous with him in the settlement. at least i was under that impression) and revealing she had me on the side would ruin that. So I always slid down in the seat whenever she got fucking paranoid and said "Oh my God, that dothead looks like my husband's third cousin twice removed who I met a year ago at a crowded party! Duck! They know me!" and respected her. ANYWAY The thing that clicked was "Good lord, I'm sure Kinja would've wanted something like this where she goes onscreen and says vicious things to Malyss that I wouldn't say to the lowest level of humanity then have me come on and stand behind Kinja and completely agree with her." ObKinja (like in November '00): The woman you knew wasn't me, I'm different and changed now. <Ralph Kramden>Har de har har, that's a laugh riot Alice. </Ralph Kramden> Jesus fucking Christ. All I have to do is write about Kinja and I'm like fucking Tolstoy here except he had better grammar and syntax. Shit. It's like pricking a hemorrhoid and watching all the blood spit out in an arc in slow motion, unstoppable. Part of me is disgusted that I can write like this about someone who has pretty much become a stranger to me, it makes me come across as obsessed or sociopathic but fuck it it's my god damned diary. I just think that I was quiet for too long and I need to vent the shit inside of me so it doesn't eat away at me. Fuck me for being a god damned schmuck and respecting her wishes. Still there's stuff that I won't tell and have no desire to share so I'm not entirely untrustworthy if anyone could consider me untrustworthy by spewing out this crap. What I would think would be really cool if she would write up some bitchfest about me. I'd post that here in a heartbeat. Of course I would edit it for names and spelling. I'm sure there was something good inside of Kinja, otherwise I wouldn't have liked her or been patient with her, but that something good died or it was kept away from me while all I saw was this fucking confusion and pissiness. Dunno if it was me (she'll probably say it was me) or if it was the stress from her divorce or something beyond my ken. Who knows. Not me. I've never lost control... |
