November 2000 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 11/1/00 I logged onto LambdaMOO as a guest and wrote fanfic based on The Shining as my gift to the LambdaMOO community for Hallowe'en. I hope that it entertained. I tried very hard to disguise my voice and to be unknowledgeable about the folks mentioned in the story but Jaybird and maribou pretty much had it figured out that I wrote it. The story was posted on two lists, *anonymous and *guests, because when posting to *anonymous the list's code told me that I was spamming. Well fuck. I tried other guests but the crafty code thwarted me in that area and I had to use my list *guests. I also logged in by accident today and it was for only a second before I hit close on my MOO client. I'm putting this fanfic on the web because both parts exist on seperate lists and the full impact of my creation is lessened. I present to you, gentle reader, /The_Shining/. There were no trick or treaters dressed up like black cats much to my dismay and I have a little eight pack of Sunmaid raisins which I'll be eating over the next few days. There were trick or treaters and most of them were dressed up and said trick or treat. Over the years it seems that fewer kids were doing that and just expected a handout rather than following tradition. Dirty little fuckers. I conquered the concept of noisy buttons made in Flash and all I have to do now is create some images for the buttons on this website and upload the change already. Right now I'm taking time out to write up this little entry. I do know that I will be using Gill Sans Condensed Bold because it reminded me of what this company represents and it's similar to their logo as well. Oh yeah, please let me know if the buttons I created yesterday worked for you or not because Devo looked at my site and said it wasn't working plus it wasn't working for her when she tried looking at another test page I created to show off noisy buttons which had the sole purpose of the boss picking out which sound he liked best. I was surprised he picked a dinky little sound instead of the other sounds which had more oomph to them. Now to see about making a flash site that does shopping. I've seen a concept for it but I'm not going to rip it off wholesale. I want the satisfaction of building this puppy all on my own. Interesting thing is that my boss wants the shopping cart to be a box with fire that grows steadily higher as more products are thrown in but that kinda goes against the idea of purchasing things. Why would someone want to think that the stuff they purchased is being burned up? I'll have to integrate fire into this some other way. I'm irritated that nobody really could get together to do something. Brian was fucking caught up doing some Hallowe'en stuff with his reclusive girlfriend (at least I think that's the only thing I could think of him being involved in to not hang out on a Tuesday night) probably getting stuck with hanging around her sad assed internet friends who form a lovely self-esteem circle jerk that makes certain MOOers on LambdaMOO look like rank amateurs. Here's the funny part, they like to come across as intellectuals. That intellectual bit kinda falls short when someone's reciting something from the liberal media and they're not spelling most of the words correctly. If I knew where this one couple lived, I would phone their local police as a 'concerned citizen' and inform them of the drugs on their premises. The husband is a junkie. I dislike them that much, plus the two younger losers who are mooching off of them are annoying as well but mostly the male half of that relational unit. Mmm, bile. I can feel it bubbling up inside of me. Deep breath. There, it's going down. Anyway, having to put up with those kinds of folks (Brian's girlfriend's friends) is what keeps me away from Ghostwheel. That and the fact that I dislike cliques when it comes to gaming. The few times that I went to LARPs (Live Action Role Playing), it was late in the game, folks were already playing amongst their friends in their little cliques. When I would crowbar my way into those cliques, they would become disgusted and from there I would go out of my way to make their life hell. Sad thing is that it's tough to make a combat monster which is effective when you're around a bunch of players who have done nothing but chronicle and LARP every other weekend. If I ever, ever LARP again it will be from the very beginning and I'll make sure that I'm there with at least two friends who I know will metagame and network with me IC and OOC just like the others have their own groups. In that kind of situation I would find out if I dislike LARPing because of the folks or because of me being antisocial. 11/2/00 My pokemon so far: I evolved my weepinbell and sacked him away because I seemed to screw him up with the techniques I taught and I wasn't too impressed with the techniques he obtained upon evolving. Early on, bellsprout - weepinbell - victreebell are great but after the thirtieth level they're nothing really that great. The only other disappointment I have is with my pikachu who I started training in earnest once again but the sad thing is that he has the flash hm taught to him and it fills up a fucking attack slot with absolutely nothing. I could've used that slot to fill it with thunder (which I just taught him before evolving him into raichu) but I had to sacrifice swift for it because of that unerasable hm. The rest of my pokemon are doing well, the only thing is that I wish I started out with bulbasaur instead of squirtle but that's niggling and I currently lack an earth pokemon. Buzz, lvl 28 beedrill poison sting fury attack cut twineedle Screech, lvl 38 fearow peck fly drill peck fury attack Mr. Turtle, lvl 41 blastoise withdraw bite bubblebeam strength Dreamy, lvl 37 hypno dream eater hypnosis headbutt psychic Ogopogo, lvl 37 gyrados ice beam surf bite dragon rage Stormy, lvl 39 raichu pay day flash thunderbolt thunder I have a total of 70 pokemon including two snorlaxes (snorlaxii?), two fossil pokemon (big deal) and zapados who was one rough motherfucker to catch. I've seen 113 pokemon in total and I've been playing this game for 32 hours and 15 minutes. By next week, I should have another gameboy with a link and pokemon red. Perhaps I'll get pokemon gold or silver as well but I'll make sure that someone in this house hides it well from me so I don't go ripping it open to play it. That should wait until I'm really done with the web site and when I have all the pokemon from both red and blue. Oh yeah, does anyone know if they're still having promos where they hand out Mew? Email me and let me know. Is the word nigger really all that bad? Sure if you dislike someone of the African American persuasion it's certainly the word of choice to enflame passions and have them temporarily lose all common sense and act the way anyone else would act when attacked with an epithet. Hell, black folks use the term amongst themselves. If they had any sense of pride they would avoid it like the plague and use something as abrasive but not race-specific like motherfucker. The last five times I went into NYC I heard black people talking loudly and using the term nigger in regards to an aquaintance or however they related to the object of their discussion. Despite coming across as a racist misanthrope (I wonder if that description is redundant) I'm not racist but I have no compunction against using terms that are sure to rile up folks. Waving a red cape in front of a bull. Wearing a suit made out of ground beef in a den of hungry pit bulls. Being the world's bravest stuntman like in Kentucky Fried Movie. Sadly there are laws in place that make using such words tantamount to hating an entire race and their use is punishable. These words are simply the most effective tools to goad someone into getting angry or ruining their day or picking a fight so they swing first, not expressions of hatred for a subset of humanity. There's an analogy I use quite often in regards to using "hate speech" as a weapon rather than an expression. If you're going to play Dungeons and Dragons and your fighter character just came upon a horde of animated skeletons which weapon would you want to be wielding in your hand? A sword which hacks away fewer hit points against skeletons or a cudgel of some sort which is extraordinarily effective against beings made entirely up of bone and there are no penalties to the damage dealt. I would pick the cudgel. If you are going to strike out at someone show that you really mean it and you want to make it personal. If they're some bald white guy wearing combat boots with red laces, they're a braindead incestuous redneck. Mind you, you wouldn't want to use incestuous because that kind of word is far too complex for them to wrap their minds around. Don't just call them a motherfucker, no matter how true that statement might be, but get to the very heart of the matter and take charge of their hearts and the situation. Why should blacks and jews be special and have their banned words if terms like "guinea" or "wop" or "polack" or "mick" or "spic" can be bandied about with relative freedom from censorship. Maybe the latinos, Irish and Italians should get the same PR group that the blacks and jews hired to make certain epithets unspeakable in public society. Anyway, the more a word is hidden or the more that a word is kept taboo the more likely resentment will build up and those words will actually be used in hate and fuel folks who consider The Turner Diaries to be a bible and handbook to revolution, rather than just being words folks avoid in common parlance through common sense and decency by their own free will. The former being a despicable sort and the real reason why I will have a gun on me when I travel around the USA since my trip will most likely take me through the deep south and the far north (Idaho, in my mind, seems to be the White Supremacist State) which seem to be rife with racism and intolerance. Then again, I'm probably just being regionalist like Hollywood and using their stereotypes. I'll admit that. No, I will not be "hunting people". The gun will simply be for protection. Love. What about love? There is a duality to everything. It's easy to love. It's harder to like. I remember talking with Jaybird on the phone and I asked him if he had anal with maribou and he said that he couldn't bring himself to do that to her because he really liked maribou. I remember that the first time I had anal sex with a woman (I was pitching, you wise asses) it was simply because I wanted to try it out and see what it was like and to say that I did it. Of course there was the undertone of romance (heh, daaah i lub oo so ahs fucks you up where you poops) but I remember thinking "Wow, I'm in someone's ass" rather than some silly romantic claptrap that diary_spivak would piss and moan about if he wasn't duct taped like a mummy in the garage. There are many people that I love in this world but there are decidedly fewer folks that I love and like in this world. I know that I can count them on both hands and not have to take off my pants and shoes to finish counting. Beyond being loved and liked by me, there's the whole factor of trust. I trust very few people. I reckon I could count them on a shop teacher's hand and still have a finger or two left unused. Right now I'm building a foundation of trust in myself so I can be my best for my sake and to be a good person to this other human being. It's rough and just like the drunks say, I have to take it day by day and I have to remember usually the best thing for me to do is sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning because sleep tends to wash the pissant drama out of my head and leave me feeling clear as basher's urine. It's still very hard for me to trust because I can not trust in my father's words and actions as strange as that might seem. I can not trust in my friends most times even though it's pretty silly that I can not trust them. I don't know if this is an extention of "expect the worst so you'll be relieved when the good happens" or a true manifestation of pathological mistrust of other people. I don't feel like I'm in control of the world most times and other times I feel like the rug is about to be pulled out from under me and I'll continue falling forever. Okay, enough of that. Your homework this week is to contact someone and tell them that you love them. If you do this in real life, punctuate this statement with a friendly hug. If you do this on the internet, don't do it anonymously. Got it? Good. Heh, I was thinking and chuckling to myself when I was thinking about the older diary entries I wrote. If there's ever a time in my life where I'm considered "interesting" like a celebrity, folks will have a fucking field day with my online diary pulling out random quotes and stringing them together like so many pearls to portray me the way they want to portray me. A small part of me dreads this, the other part of me would really like to see something like this happen where folks get their panties in a wad because someone doesn't think the same way as television wants them to think. Stupid puppethead news anchors. Yay, lots of content. I wrote most of this last night after I wrote the previous entry. Let me know if you waded through it. It's only natural to read through a diary and send out hate mail or start up a conversation or are all of you voyeurs peeping in the window masturbating and the only thing you leave is a rank stain on the aluminum siding? I wouldn't be posing here night after night if I didn't want attention. 11/3/00 I was busy today and worked about ten hours compared to the six hours I worked yesterday. I'm not complaining. Don't have much to say right now and I thought there might be a few words to impart to you, gentle reader, but today I am boring. I went food shopping and was surprised at how much I got for twenty dollars. I went straight to work after waking up this afternoon, grabbed my laptop, walked to the kitchen and did stuff up there rather than at the infernal machine down here which is tied with goofing off. I noticed that when the laptop starts up Flash and PSP that the title screens aren't mere blips on the screen anymore but they're actually there for about five seconds before vanishing. I wonder what might be eating up resources on the laptop. I am running Rain 1.0, ZoneAlarm, the clock, power manager and the sound controls. I doubt that Rain is slowing down the processor enough that it would be this noticeable since the laptop was still speedy when I was running it last week. 11/4/00 Mynx (#64729) posted something interesting to *stonecutters. I regret not having the source handy, Mynx says it is a 'weird newsletter' that she gets periodically. Measured by the number of people for whom English is their first language, 72% speak American English and 16% use British English. 6% use Canadian English, 5% use Australian English and 1% use New Zealand English. There are also dozens of minor dialects, including Caribbean, South African, (Asian) Indian, Irish, Scottish, and Welsh. Whee! American English is taking over the world, no more extranneous vowels! Perhaps once more people start using American English, they'll start thinking American and who knows where it will go from there. I spent four hours altering a black and white photo to a color photo and I think it turned out quite nicely. I did have a comment that the lips needed to be darkened but I was a bit pooped and I think that it looks fine. I'm sure that next week I'll be getting my first check, at least a thousand dollars. Originally it was $1350 but two states have their hands in that cash. Bleh. Maybe it'll be less. It's still money and I'll be one tenth of the way towards my goal. Chicks are strange. I showed off the picture I colorized and they said that it needed something with the lips (boss' wife wanted her favorite pic colorized). Just went to show how differently men and women see the world. I saw the pictures as "Wow, I'm done. Good job." and women looked at it and thought "She needs something extra. Lipstick." Thank heaven for girls. 11/5/00 I submitted my site to a web ring and I'm waiting for the rejection letter. Maybe I'm making myself out to be a bad boy in my head and my site really isn't much worse than any other personal web site on the internet except I don't have that stupid animated gif for "Under Construction" and this thing is updated daily. I'm proud of that fact. I was laughing earlier at this one online diary where this chick was going off on how she wants to engage in raunchy sapphic sex but her boyfriend in the military says she can't because it's cheating. That's a laugh riot. I'm certain this guy is against his girlfriend engaging in rugmunching because he's insecure and thinks his girlfriend will leave him. Sure, he can be in the military shaving his head and sleeping with other men with the whole aura of "bonding" in communal showers but heaven forfend his girlfriend engages in steamy lesbo action. That's going nowhere. I reindexed my page so the search engine provided by atomz.com is up to date and you can seek out whatever you're interested in that I might've written but you don't have bookmarked. The search results page also looks more like my web site than it did before which is really fucking cool for a free service. Do make a point of checking out the links on the rightmost column because they provide really decent free services, like 4allfree.com which provides my guestbook and lets people put polls on their web site. Plus there's freewebspace.net which I used to find this lovely web hosting service for my site. I don't have much space but my site's relatively small (at least the active parts, the archived stuff is getting big since some files are approaching 90k in size not counting the photos they're linked to) and uncluttered. I'm at a loss for content this evening. Bye bye. 11/6/00 I spent the latter half of today working quietly at my father's business. Okay, it wasn't as much working as it was fighting my way through tutorials in hopes of getting certain things down pat and I only accomplished a few things. Bah. I hate Sundays. The feeling I have right now is dread of what Monday might bring and feelings of non-accomplishment. For a few hours I was horny and that distracted me from being productive. I had no outlet for it so I just suffered through it. Part of me is telling me that the friends I have from LambdaMOO would stop being my friend if I was no longer on Lambda, regardless of what might've been said or vowed. I figure I would be in a better mood if I learned how to make a drag and drop item in Flash (you make a movie clip then you turn the clip into a button. edit the actions of the button and the code is on press dragstart then you do on release release off dragstop) that would return to the origin that they were moved from in the first place like a yo-yo. My big productive thing was designing the store using frames for folks who don't have flash installed. I also figured out a way to make the flash buttons much better than I originally did but I won't touch redoing that particular project until I am ready to start. I hate being far away from the few folks on LambdaMOO who socialize with me (even tangentially) because then I don't have the capacity to become real to them or maintain the state of realness to them. I'm tired. I'm addled in the head. I wish I'd fucking go to bed already and shut up. I was going to add a poll to see if frames are evil or not but I decided to give a hearty fuck you to folks who can't handle frames and go ahead with it anyway. Don't vote for Gore. A vote for Gore is a vote for being a communist shill and selling American secrets. Vote for anyone else, even the Natural Law party candidate (if they're still around), because Gore is evil. I don't mind if you vote for the Communist party, at least they're up front about where they stand instead of waffling and blustering while running a dirty campaign. 11/7/00 Therapy's cancelled tonight which means that I won't have the chance to broach the subject of last week (i spent 3/4's of my session showing my therapist how to search the net and finding various things. the only reason i brought my laptop was to show off my web site and my diary entries but that was never touched) and it means I'll have lots of quiet time at my father's business to work and study. Oh yes, don't vote for Gore. Vote for anyone else but please don't vote for Gore. I have a feeling that Bush is going to be the Republican's Jimmy Carter. Not in liberal policies, mind you, but moreso in the fact that people will vote for him because they're tired of the corruption (or alleged corruption) that came with the Clinton administration. Al Gore's just a rehash of Spiro Agnew except he stayed at his job despite the fiasco of getting red chinese money. Clinton, like Nixon, was impeached by the house but not by the senate (if I have my facts wrong, tell me) but Clinton was too slick to have all the corpses surrounding him tied to him and his machinations. He lucked out and was only harangued because he got a blowjob. I am sick of the Clinton administration and Gore would just be a continuation of this red Chinese backed puppet government. Bush, like Carter, will screw up some things but I have a feeling he'll re-establish the illusion of honesty (or bring real honesty) to the White House like Carter did and people will hate him for it. I'm just glad that Bush isn't pushing for hate crime laws as an issue because that's just thought control. If I want to hate micks or Australians, I don't want to get arrested because I state my views and if I happen to run one over by accident (honest!) I don't want manslaughter one turned into murder one because the victim was one of the various groups I dislike through legal wordplay. God help us for whomever becomes the Democrat's answer to Reagan. Anyway, Bush shouldn't fuck up America that much because Alan Greenspan will still be around at the Federal Reserve doing his magic(k, the k is for Jaybird) and keeping the economy rolling along merrily. Do you think Clinton had any hand in the prosperity we've been experiencing? If you do, you believe that Al Gore created the internet too. I beat Pokemon Blue today! All of my pokemon were under level fifty (Blastoise was level 48), the rest were in their mid forties with poor beedrill languishing at 39 because I had him socked away for most of my adventures. Now I'm going to get Mewtwo even though I don't think I'm ever going to be able to get Mew because Mew's only handed out at promotions. Bah. It was a rough fight but I made it. And to think that when I decided to go down those stairs I was thinking "I'll just go through this, not save and then when I restart after all my pokemon faint everything will be back to normal" but I did really well against them without doing the pussy thing of making all my pokemon level sixty for an easy battle. The real heroes of the day were my gyrados Ogopogo and my raichu Stormy who laid out serious amounts of ass whipping. My fearow Screech tore Gary's blastoise apart which is a Good Thing (tm) and the only problem I had with him was his fucking alakazam who thankfully ran out of pp for psybeam and could only do recover so it was a matter of time to take care of that li'l bastard. Now I'm almost ready to start Pokemon Red, the only thing holding me back is the fact that my check hasn't arrived. Foo. I already owe my father some cash because he spotted me a hundred dollars to purchase materials which will make my work a lot easier (thanks dad) and I'll pay him back first before getting the gameboy and red and the connector cable. Regarding Pokemon Red, I'm thinking about getting gyrados, onix, ekans and a few others for my final team. It shouldn't be too hard to collect all of those pokemon since they appear relatively early in the game (onix being in the darkened cavern and i think ekans is a common who appears early). The rest will be pikachu, bulbasaur and an open slot which will probably be a flying pokemon or a fire pokemon or both. Woo hoo! Just going to take forever to get my pokemon up really high in level in blue but I figure after I trade them with myself they'll get more experience because of the trade. 11/8/00 Bush Wins I need to add something that I've been keeping quiet since Hallowe'en because I wanted to share it with Devotchka before I posted it here on my diary. No kids came by dressed as kitties on Hallowe'en so I didn't give out raisins. I did palm some condoms out of my pocket, stuff them in a huge wad of candy and handed them out to these two kids who were trick or treating. No they weren't little kids but they were hardly old enough to do anything more than go "Whoa, rubbers", inflate them or giggle about them like Beavis and Butthead. My check should be arriving sometime this week and I'll be sending out another invoice come Monday which will mean even more cash for yours truly. I have some of the cash already spent in my head and the expenses are not related to any responsibility whatsoever. There's the new gameboy, game link and pokemon red that I'll be purchasing for myself so I can trade with myself and all that kind of happy stuff. The other expense I hope will not be a gamble. I understand completely that writing this in my diary can be construed as blackmail or guilting (look at me, i'm thinking for you!) but that's not the intention. I invited Devo up to New Jersey for New Year's Eve and I will be helping her to get here and I'll be giving her a hand so she is able to get out here. The rest of the cash will be socked away. Why? Because I like her lots and the fact that I've known her for more than four years (my first friend on lambdamoo back when I was mokele_mbembe) and we still haven't met in person. During that time we exchanged snail mail and a few emails. I've known her so long and I really do want to see if we get along in real life. I've known Devo for a long time and we've become close to the point where we are real friends and not just MOO aquaintances who are tight online and all that kind of stuff. MOO aquaintances is what diary_spivak was whining about in one of the previous diary entries. Part of me is saying it's all well and good that I am "real" to someone else and someone is "real" to me but the proof is when folks meet IRL. I'm hoping for the best if she is able to come up and visit with me over New Year's. Last I heard she already had plans. If I don't see her, I know I'll catch up with her when I do my cross-country trip. If I do see her, I just hope that everything goes well and this doesn't end up being like this one time where she met someone or like any of the other times that I've met people from online. Huh, I just heard news from Brian that his significant other is pissed at him because her Mac crashed because it can't handle certain file formats and most programs which cause it to be unstable. The first thing that came to mind was the fact that he's pro-Mac just like his woman and the second thing was "if this stuff was so important, why didn't she have copies?" I hope all goes well for him because things are rough on him right now in the emotional department but not to the extent of diary_spivak so I count all of our blessings. I'm just in shock that this Macintosh which is supposed to be able to handle powerful image programs and serious multimedia can be taken down by a simple .mpg file or some badly coded program (done with good intent since there's little for Macs out there for personal use and they're trying to shore up more users by providing apps) was crashed by a simple program. Windows and Macs are just as trashy and crashy but stuff like this makes Macs look really wimpy. I've installed shitloads of bad warez and corrupt files with virii on my computer and I've never lost anything except with my old c: drive which died because I kept turning the computer off without shutting down properly ALL THE TIME. I reaped what I had sown and I didn't complain. But a Mac? Jesus. Funny, earlier today I had this image of a world where Macintosh had the large market share that PC/Wintel has but in that world no one could buy hardware for their Mac except for buying completely new systems and trashing the old. Power was taken away from the people because there was no choice, just one source and that source trickled instead of flowed because there were no clones to work with or stuff that was made to work with Macs. Definitely the antithesis of what Jobs tried to purvey in advertisments after 1984 came around. I dislike Macs for the same reason most people dislike PCs. Macs crash. Macs crash hard. I don't begrudge Macintosh for being a machine built for work (that ends up being wrapped in pretty paper to draw the shills in) and will run fine if it's just used for work but all of the Macs I have worked with have been unreliable, crashy and there was never anything out there for a Mac to be a personal computer (in the generic sense, not meaning a PC which is generally ascribed to wintel machines). Lack of options. Crashes. Nyeh. Keep your blueberry shells and cracked G4 cases. Give me a machine I can work with and keep running for years to come (obslashdot: daaah like linux on a 386 ehehhe nice1 =D drool open source kwake! is it gnu? i admit i hate those slashdot people more than i hate mac users because they're bigger sheep for linux than mac users are sheep for their machines). Right now I'm feeling alright, if you care, and I think I'll be able to fall asleep without this terrible feeling that I am going to burst at any minute. Burst into song or burst into rage? I have no clue but it was disturbing. Good things tend to be disturbing to me because I reckon I don't deserve them in the first place. Great Caesar's assrape. I just cast my eyes down and partly hoped for God to take my life in his hands and make everything alright. HOW FUCKING COUNTERPRODUCTIVE IS THAT??? HANH? Only I have power over myself, my life and my destiny. It's a nice thought and some people live happily until they "go home" but I always wrestle with that idea. I don't begrudge the religious either but most times I will not shut up about my views. Heck, there was this one time where I was out with Kinja and her sister's family for dinner and without thinking I said out loud that I hate God and if I ran across him I'd slug him for being such a lousy God. Big mistake. Things cleared up though and I'm happy. Just glad that one of her nephews concurred with me (in private) and I think the other one did as well but he was quiet about it which is a Smart Thing (tm). Goodness, this diary entry started out bad and I have reservations about posting it but fuck it all. Once again I'm going to take a leap of faith (heh, that word coming from me) and the back of my mind will say "It's good and you're a fool to worry" rather than "Oh boy, this is going to be bad." Good night to all, sweet dreams and Cthulhu bless. 11/9/00 M O N E Y I got a big assed paycheck for $1375 in the mail today. WHEE! Went food shopping with my father. I made changes to the main web site I'm working on, I ordered some stuff for doing the web site and I tweaked someone's personal web site so it looks a bit better than it did before and will hopefully look nice on all screens instead of being fixed at a single resolution. Pictures for the other web site will be arriving on Thursday morning for the other web site project I'm working on. Only twenty five but I'm going to be getting more pictures. This afternoon I was invited to a screening of the documentary and I'll be in attendance because I'll get a sense of what this movie is about and be more prepared to create content than I have been lately. Last night Tim told me something really cute and I'm going to post it here, it's Bush's Team Rocket battle cry. "To protect the world from forestation" "To divide all peoples within our nation" "To denounce the evils of sex and porn" "To extend our reach to those unborn" "W....Bush" "The Republicans blast off at the speed of light!" "Surrender now to the Compationate Right!" He says that credit should go to Not-Buddha Rob. Whee! Right now I'm wondering how the fuck I am going to handle the right hand column of this page because I'm going to be adding my birthday and Christmas wish list. I hope the list will be short enough that I just have to push all the navigation stuff down, if the list is too long then I'll have to move extranneous stuff to another page. The birthday and Christmas wish list won't be up on the page until the end of next week. Buddha offered to help me out with the web projects I have in front of me at the time and that's a cool thing. Just I'll be paying him out of my own pocket. Gotta make sure that he is competent and can write decent HTML that'll look good on two browsers instead of just one. I like web pages to be fairly simple and it shows in what I've designed (except for the Charles Fort page). 11/10/00 Long time ago back when I had returned to MOO after a long hiatus that came from a lack of cash and stealing AOL I abandoned the whole virtual reality and society aspect of MOO for the simple act of picking up chicks. I learned not to think with my dick. Haven't really learned from the lesson because I still think with my dick (not as much as I used to) and this story's more hilarious than it is pathetic. I was Bexley at Sprawl and trolling around. I hadn't discovered LambdaMOO and I was avoiding it because I heard there was so much lag there. One day I paged this one woman who was an overzealous Christian and found out that she was in New Jersey. Woo. I slickly played off that I went to church every so often and Christ was my savior because I wanted to get some and she was hot to trot. The way she described herself put me in mind of someone I knew. Sadly this crazy woman was nowhere near being as cute as this other woman. I ended up phoning her, coming on really strong and she really didn't mind it. Probably that Jesus crap that makes them think "I'm already saved, I'll throw caution into the wind" plus she was going off on me coming down to visit her for dinner. Free food? I'm there. Within the week I was driving down the back roads to southern New Jersey with firm intent in my pants. I took the back roads because I wanted to avoid paying tolls since I was short in the cash department. Of course, most of the women who have had sex with me will say I'm short in other departments but you knew that already didn't you? Whatever answered the door was definitely not what I had in mind. I kept thinking "Free food", smiled and went inside where she fucking leapt at me and rammed her tongue into my mouth. Oooooookay. Since I went limp, I was ready for a friendly hug, free food and a firm handshake at the end of the night. I squeezed her and pushed her away staring into her eyes. "I want to do you in the shower" I growled. She bounced and I told her to get the water nice and hot. As soon as that bathroom door closed I was out of there. Peeled out and went back the way I came and I did not stop until I hit the rest area over at exit 121 on the GSP. Whew. The story continues, kinda. A year after this happened, she discovered me on IdMOO and started calling me scumbag and asshole and lots of other epithets, @gagged me then never logged on again. Much later after that incident I was going down to see Malyss' place at Raisin Acres and she mentioned checking out a mall at Vineland (it's only about ten or so miles from the sleepy burg of Raisin Acres) and my blood froze. Fuck. What if this crazy assed bitch is there shopping for Christmas? While we drove around, I kept an eye out for anything that might resemble the apartment complex where the crazy zealot woman lived. We didn't go to the mall in Vineland because it was too crowded and we didn't want to deal with breeders and we went to another mall much further away. On the way up there, I told Malyss the whole sordid story much to her amusement. Luckily I found out the zealot had moved out west and was there for good. Thank goodness for guesting because that's how I found out that she was no longer living in New Jersey. Today was just a waiting day. I wonder where my stuff is. I will have my hot little hands on the cash by Saturday and I'm planning a ritual to ensure a good, cold winter. Verging on brutal? Maybe. Thing is the last time I did a ritual regarding winter, it was warm in the wintertime for years straight. I recall being at Malyss' during Christmastime and I was wearing shorts and the air conditioner going full tilt because it was reaching eighty outside. The air conditioner was to lend ambiance to the holiday mood since the outside wasn't behaving the way it should be. A few years back I released old man winter from my left front pocket (I trapped him there because the consecutive blizzards we had one February were hurting my father's business) and lately the weather's just been bearable (except last spring as you might recall from my whinings) and I hope upon hope that this winter is a rough one. This reminds me of the rough winter because that was the year where I met someone else from the internet. She was cute too and eighteen to my bulky twenty four. When I caught up with her it was Thanksgiving and November had already become brutally cold, the mercury hovering around the low thirties at night. Christ, I remember my bedroom being an ice box because I was still sleeping with my window open (and I still did until January where I couldn't stand it no more). Anyway, we had fun with the brief time we had (lots of sex) but come December and my birthday she dumped me. That was a bummer. The fact that winter was so hard boosted my spirits but by then I was hardening up quite nicely on the inside. Tomorrow's another day, another entry.

11/11/00 The rain here is so lovely and it is very much like winter rain. The big wet plop-plops on the ground that leave the world soggier than it really ought to be rather than being the lively torrent that I ascribe to summertime. The clouds hang that much lower and if I squint up I can see the outlines of the clouds as they melt together into one great leaden mass overhead. Walking home in the rain was a treat and my mind wandered around wondering about different things that are inconsequential. Mostly it was me remembering things (these things were definitely not related to the account below) and wondering why I'm rifling through this filing cabinet of memories now when I'm feeling pretty damned good. I just figured out how to handle the re-archiving of my web page every month when I have atomz.com build the searchable database for the page. I'll just have two versions of this site where the no robots meta tag will be completely removed stored on my computer and it's only uploaded to overwrite the files which have the no robots meta tag and I can have the web robot rummage through, file stuff and have the site all fresh and ready for those of you who search this site legitimately or to make me giggle when I get my weekly reports. I would do a poll but there are so few folks who really know me that a poll would be silly to have because it'd get cluttered up with extra clicks on one answer and I wouldn't be able to gauge the response. The poll would be about myself because I was wondering if I put across the image of being too emotionally fragile/far too introspective that folks always think I'm brooding when I'm just quiet or if that kind of perception is all in my head and I'm projecting it on other folks. Main reason (I almost wrote "Main raisin") I'm asking because this stems from my self-doubt and this burning desire inside of me to not be a drag who brings everyone down. Explaining it like that is really overkill but it got the point across and that is what matters. Let me know if you have the time. Now to safely tuck diary_spivak away and begin telling the story of a trip I made and oh what a fucking mistake that was. Behold! Being An Account of My Time on AOL When I Was Not on a MOO I met up with this chick on AOL who was pretty cool except for the fact that she lived down in Florida. (AOL being free for me since I knew how to steal it and I was super annoyed it didn't have telnet all the way back then) The phone bills did get racked up and I cracked open the savings account from my first communion and confirmation (a grand total of $182.57!!! the first thing i thought was i wish i was jewish because jews always get lots of money for their religious coming of age ceremonies) and went down to Florida using one of those cheapass airlines. As soon as I got there, I could tell that she was repulsed by me but I soldiered on and decided to see what would happen. Maybe she was just having a bad day. I also tried not to notice that she had hairy arms. Arms of a fucking mountain gorilla. One important thing to mention is that the picture she sent me a few months before I went to visit her was from Glamour Shots. I was so fucking naive back then. She dropped me off at her house and went to work. Erm. Okay. When she came home it was all awkward and shit until she said "Lets go to bed" and mentioned that I would be sleeping with her. Hot fucking damn! That lasted all of five seconds because she said I was sleeping above the covers while she slept under the covers. I spent the whole night staring at the ceiling and wondering if I should try anything or see what I could get away with without waking her. I just stared at the ceiling and watched the slats of light from the closed blinds slowly creep across the room as dawn came. She got up and went to work again. Hello? Out of town visitor. You're just going to leave me there all day? Having nothing to do except play with her dog, I decided to make my own fun. I went through all of her drawers and then found out how to get onto her computer. Getting onto AOL was a no-go for me which sucked major ass but while going through her Mac I discovered other logs. There were other guys. Lots of other guys. Holy shit. I didn't say a thing. The next night droned on like the previous night and when I went to sleep on the couch she yelled at me for not sleeping with her. I stayed on the couch but she just sat across from me, staring at me and muttering under her breath until I decided to cave and go to bed with her because I wouldn't get as much rest like that as I would staring at the ceiling. I think I did sleep or my mind wandered because I had this vision where some truck barrelling down the highway just a few hundred yards from this apartment complex flipped over and it was filled with some poisonous gas like xyklon-b and it killed everyone in the complex. When the authorities arrived to take away the dead, they found my body next to this woman's body and they got the wrong idea that we were an item when we weren't. I could see in my mind's eye my father crying and saying nice things about her without really knowing what happened or knowing anything about her because my dad's that nice of a guy. Little did I know that was my last day in Florida. She had school and decided to drag me along so I wouldn't be bored or feel cooped up inside of her apartment. That or she noticed that someone went through her drawers looking for something interesting to do. She told me to meet her at this one building at noon and I ambled off to the library to read quietly until noon. I got to the building at noon and waited there for one hour. That hour grew into two hours. Fed up, I decided to tour the campus and check out the art department and cruise for some art student chicks. No dice but I did find a few flyers for off campus bars and hangouts which sounded cool and I was going to bum a ride there come eight o'clock or so and make some lemonade from these lemons. The next few hours were spent looking around the campus for her but I couldn't find her. I checked every classroom and came up empty. Bored and tired, I went to the library to read some more until it was time for me to go out and start trying to bum a ride somewhere cool. I figured I could also phone my grandmother to pick me up (if it was close) and I'd stay there and diss this ugly bitch who was treating me like shit. Eight o'clock came around and I came out of the library. I was actually socializing in real life and it was pretty natural for a few minutes when I heard loud honking followed by her shrieking voice calling my name. Before I could tell her that I was everywhere and looked everywhere she started boring into me, saying it wasn't working out, that I was pathetic and she wanted me out and away from this place as soon as possible. She threw the phone at me at her apartment yelling at me to make the call to change my travel reservations which I did and I sat out on the patio until she said she was going to bed. I went to lie down on the couch and she asked me "What are you doing?" "Going to bed." "That's not bed." I sighed and waddled off to bed with her on top of the covers like the other two nights. As soon as her breathing became regular I reached over and smothere... No, wait. That was a dream. I got up and decided to go out and walk around looking for something, anything to do in the wee small hours of the morning. There was a pool hall but it was closing for the night. I decided to make a phone call or two to my friend Brian and then wandered around some more only to get back and sleep for the rest of the night on the couch. Five a.m. I was up and she dropped me off at the airport and drove away. Rat assed cuntrag. Fuck you Patricia Davis of Tarpon Springs, Florida. Student at the University of South Florida, Tampa. Just like all the other emails I sent you, I sincerely hope that you are violently murdered and you feel every cut, every gunshot and every red hot poker shoved into your orifices. Ugly assed gorilla armed douche. I couldn't remember a thing for three days after I returned. My first memory was being at Ronni's place with Eric and Brian. Anyway, I have happy thoughts because later on that year hurricane Andrew ravaged Florida especially around the Tampa area and I rejoiced at the carnage knowing that she was buried under rubble and dying a slow death or completely bankrupt, homeless and lost her entire family to the ravages of hurricane Andrew. If she survived, I'd hope somehow she was made miserable by that disaster. I've moved on but this is about the most hate I have ever felt in my life next to wanting to bash in the brains of one Chris Jenkins who used to live in my town and according to rumor moved down to South Carolina. I wish that the owner of that candy store didn't stop me from seeing if that kid's skull would break the glass on the pinball machine in the back of the shop because if he didn't push me away I would've shoved Chris Jenkins' face through the broken glass and rubbed his face around until it was completely and irrevocably scarred. It felt so good to bang his head against the pinball machine (they replaced Gauntlet with this pinball machine!!! fuckers!!!) and there were no charges pressed either. The owner just turned a blind eye and told me never to come back. This kid went out of his way to make my life hell because I was the big quiet kid who would rather hide in the woods than go around the playground during recess or before school. He spat at me. Lit my pants on fire (which made me snap and want to test the tensile strength of the pinball machine's glass). Followed me home. Jabbed me deeply with a needle on three occaisions and tried to start fights with me all the time but I always refused because back then fights were more like "Get Haakon all riled up and then let the chase begin because he can't run fast". Stole my textbooks and left them torn up in the woods. The only other time I got back at him was when he was riding his bike down to the bike rack and made like he was going to run me down, which he did before, only to swerve at the last minute I held out my left arm, clotheslined him and knocked the wind out of him. I walked away calmly while I heard him gasping for air to catch his breath. After all this, he still wouldn't leave me alone. There you go, gentle reader, a bit of insight to the ball of rage I once was and how I've softened significantly over the years. Mind you, I can still tap into it but I really don't want to most times. 11/12/00 Why don't Jewish guys eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber. Bah Veteran's Day. Bah me for not even remembering that it was Veteran's Day. Anyway I was able to get my hands on some of my cash which mean I bought a second gameboy, Pokemon Red and Pokemon Silver. Woo hoo! I started with my totodile Snappy who learned Rage at level 7 which was awful sweet. Tomorrow I'll be locking myself up at my father's business and working there away from distractions (like gameboy and lambda) and sometime this week another invoice will be going out to fatten up my bank account. Once I'm certain of steady cash and I have at least 3000 bucks in the bank, I will put one of those thermometers on this site that show the progress of gaining funds. I know I'll have to wait a bit before going on the trip because I'll have to know just how much to put aside for taxes (the boss didn't put taxes aside and gave me the ENTIRE amount) so I don't have to deal with the fucking IRS. Friday can't come soon enough and I wonder if it will come up being Bush being the winner (by a narrow margin though) getting the twenty five votes or if the consensus will be "Too close to call, leave it up to the House of Representatives" which should be interestng. Too bad this election is making the American media portray us like one of those backwoods third world countries or a stupid eastern european country that's spelled entirely with consonants. Know why? Because it's Gore, through his lackeys, bitching and moaning about being a FUCKING LOSER. That reminds me of when my friend Tim went to Magnum Opus Con in South Carolina with friends and he was all bored but he discovered something which saved the whole weekend, a room where a scantily clad redhead was hanging from the ceiling all chained up and she was allowing folks to molest her. So Tim was rubbing her down and this one guy decided to videotape it and the guy taping asked "Where's Dave?" Dave being some dweeb we used to game with who was pathetic. Tim had a few drinks in him and he replied, "Oh, he's not here. You know why? Because he's a looooooser. A loooooser." and punctuating each loser with a good grope on the redhead. Months later Dave was watching a tape of MOC with friends when all of a sudden it showed Tim rubbing down the redhead and his commentary. That was fucking priceless. Just wish I was there to see Dave's face when he saw it. Anyway. Gore's a FUCKING LOSER and he can't get over it because his senator daddycakes boasted, like most fathers, that his son would be president and the best president ever. Just think of how stupid Gore must feel not being able to live up to that. A heartbeat away from the presidency for eight years and he got close with Clinton's shenanigans but always a bridesmaid, never a bride. What will happen? I think it will go like this: G.W. Bush stalks into a police station, two secret service agents are frog-marching Gore in behind Bush. Police Chief: What's going on here? Bush: This little punk's been sneaking around in the rose garden again. Police Chief (looks at Gore): Come on, now. What did I tell you last time? Gore: But I wasn't sneaking around! I was playing ball with Bill and he hit it really, really hard and it went over the fence and I climbed over and everything and I couldn't find the ball and then these guys sent the dogs after me and they bit me hard! Look! (Gore holds up a wrist stump). Bush rolls his eyes. Police Chief (sighs): And where is this (does the quotes motion)"Bill"? Gore (sheepish): Well, there was a pretty girl and he went away with her. (angry)But he was there! Honest! Police Chief: Albert, I'm going to have to call your father this time. Gore turns white Gore (pleading): Ohno! Don't call my dad! He doesn't know that I'm not President! Every morning I get up and say I'm going to the White House but I'm just going to the park to feed the pigeons. Bush (weary): We have to do something, anything. He's becoming a nuisance. Eh, that's where I run out of steam. I'm thinking of making it that Gore throws a rock through the window, gets caught in the lie and ends up having to work at the White House to pay for the window to get fixed. At least it'd give the secret service agents something else to do other than keep Gore restrained in that sketch. It's a stretch but Gore does resemble Damien Thorn from the third Omen movie. The hairstyle's different though. Plus there's this one picture that CNN is using that looks downright malevolent even though the art director probably thought the picture made Gore look like he was smirking and confident of becoming president. With that in mind, I posted something to Lambda of what might happen if Gore happens to win this election. Gore's inauguration ceremony outside of the White House. Two large demon dogs sit at his side. The last two lines of what the president has to vow to when becoming president are stated. When he agrees, everyone applauds. A woman starts yelling from the top of the White House. Tipper (waving): Al! Al! I love you! It's for you, Al. Gore looks up and smiles evilly. Tipper throws herself from the roof and smashes her body against the patio in the rose garden. Everyone screams and panic ensues. Gore laughs maniacally as his face turns red and fire lights up in his eyes. Thunder rolls in the background. Oh lordy. I hope that Gore gets some maturity and decides to just concede rather than having his lackeys bitch, whine and moan for him because he's an image conscious pussy LOSER. Nixon conceded in the 1960 election against Kennedy and everyone hates Richard Nixon. If there was any doubt in my mind that Bush wouldn't be a good president it has been completely eradicated with Gore's shenanigans. They're going to involve lawyers? They're going to have trials? They're going to have fifteen million recounts until the numbers add up in favor of Gore much the same way they'd want us to believe that 2 + 2 = 5. This is the same sleazy bullshit from Clinton's regime, wrangling around in as much red tape to weasel out of not getting one's way. Gore might as well piss on the Constitution while he's at it because the Constitution says what has to be done in cases like this and having folks bring stuff to court is patentedly outrageous. Hopefully judges will have more sense dealing with these cases and throw them the fuck out of court unlike the way judges have dealt with intellectual property cases and stuff regarding the internet. Those little vignettes are © Haakon Studebaker, 11/2000. All rights reserved. 11/13/00 hhsb warned me earlier that I might end up paying outrageous amounts of money in taxes if I say that I'm self-employed. Oh boy. I'll have to nag my father tomorrow about getting in touch with his accountant and seeing what can be done. Fuck. I remember when I was a wee spivak that I was sympathetic with Damien from The Omen. It's one of my favorite movies and I think it's remained one of my favorite movies because it hasn't been played to death on cable. Of course when I was younger my identification with Damien Thorn was more superficial in the fact that I didn't want to go to church and feeling the power that comes from being a little kid and how anyone bigger who steps in to correct me is just a bully and should be punished far more severely than the slap on my ass I earned. I would stay up late at night in October (nine o'clock was late for me) and watch the movies and much to my joy there was a second movie. Wow. I wondered if there would be a second Star Wars movie because if they did it for The Omen, they should do it for Star Wars. I should rent the first three movies and watch them over three evenings but I would have to make sure that I don't fall asleep because there was this one time where I was watching Blade Runner with Malyss as part of her indoctrination to all things spivak. Christ, I was so fucking bored by the version I had rented and I nearly fell asleep but the embarassment I felt of touting this movie as the best was enough to keep me awake. Maybe it was the whole taboo of watching an R rated movie that had robots and killing that made it appeal to me way back when. Nowadays I don't believe that much in the myth of there being one central figure who will rise above the rest and bring about the downfall of civilization as we know it. I have bought into the idea that civilization will change, not end (even if that change is brought about by a nuclear holocaust), and those who remain will fill the seats of power left empty by this event and civilization will begin anew. It's all about new lands. Most folks don't have the balls or the finances (both of those being the only real motivations) to raise an army and start trundling across continents and claiming it in their name. Up until the time the internet came into being, I'm sure there was a certain amount of dissatisfaction among the proletariat because there was nowhere else to go. Nothing new that they could claim as their own that was virgin and untouched. With the internet, they could stake their claim in another way with domains and such. For the cost of a computer with a modem you can start a new homestead in a land that only exists between computers and in the minds of their audiences. I know if I was going to stake my claim somewhere, I'd start up a large coporation and invest in machines that would raise the sea floor above the surface and create a continent in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Maybe invest in extradimensional movement, find an earth devoid of humans and offer that earth to seperatist folks and leave this earth for everyone else who can live together and share their toys. The only mandate would be that India and China would be urged to move wholesale onto one of these uninhabited earths. Not the Asians or 7-11 owners in other lands, just the one billion or two billion who live in each of those godforsaken countries and push them through the wormhole so they can start their own planet. They deserve it anyway, they fucked enough to clog the world with more mouth breathing peasants that they deserve their own planet. Fifty years later, I'd sent an exploratory party to that alternate earth just to see all those moronic folks standing shoulder to shoulder because there is no more room. 11/14/00 Whee, been busy tinkering with the page. I turned a non-dream entry into a dream entry. It's the one about snow from October, I added a thing or two to my stylesheet, uploaded a transcription of Crowley's Book of The Law and just the normal bullshit of writing out a diary entry. THRILLING. Here's my list of things to do: Find write-ups on the bands featured in Project B. Get started on creating the Flash shopping area for Project B. Get started on creating the non-Flash shopping area for Project B. Redo the old animated 88k gif in Flash for Project A. Redo the Flash navigation bar for Project A. Start some exercise before atrophy is irreversible. I have to master the three F's. Funny, flattering and fearless. I'm already fairly certain that I am funny and I can be flattering but being flattering is no skin off my nose since it comes easily to me and I know I am speaking the truth or I am having fun being facetious. Fearless on the other hand is going to be a bit rough because I find it very hard to trust people (there being only a handful of folks that I do trust and sometimes i do falter even though they do not) and my bullshit self-esteem issues that are rooted firmly in the fact that other people's opinions count for much more than my own opinion. There's a quote from Cerebus regarding something like this. I paraphrase, "You'd sooner listen to a fortune teller than to your own heart" then the Judge goes on to explain how that is a weakness in a few more sentences before continuing on the history of Estaracion and the relevance of the Ascension to history. The only thing is that I don't trust my own heart sometimes. Try as I might, I don't want to say "I've been burned so many times before" because that's just simpering which gets me angry at myself. Maybe it's the fact that I've seen folks talk behind the backs of others that they have claimed to love deeply and passionately but when their significant other is not around they dish dirt with the best of them. I reckon that is just finding fault with others so I can find respite from my feelings for a moment or two by focusing on someone else because everything is always easier that way. Bleah. When I look at what I just wrote, I cringe because it reads just like someone smeared mud all over a surface and thinks they did something profound. It'll stay. I never heard anything from my experiment with Yahoo Personals which is a bit disappointing but the idea was only interesting to me for about a few days then I moved on to other stuff. I will be taking pictures soon which means that there will be something more than brightly colored text shining out at you in the next couple of days. Been a while since I've added a picture to this site. The only other change I've made is highlighting stuff related to pokemon in yellow in lieu of creating a pokemon diary. My progress so far in Pokemon Silver. Crusher lvl 23 geodude tackle magnitude rock throw headbutt Spooky lvl 23 gastly hypnosis shadow ball night shade mean look Lvl 25 kadabra teleport flash Stingy lvl 20 beedrill poison sting twineedle fury cutter fury attack Snappy lvl 22 totodile bite cut rage water gun Speedy lvl 20 raticate scary face swift quick attack hyper fang I'm quite happy with the line-up, I'm having second thoughts about moving Speedy aside and replacing him with my recently aquired eevee who I will evolve into an umbreon. The kadabra is just ok but he knows absolutely no moves except teleport and flash which really sucks ass. My gastly/geodude combo is still sweet, especially since I gave those kick ass moves to them (magnitude and shadowball, irrespectively) which makes them deal out so much ass kicking. I just need to concentrate on Snappy and have him unlearn cut. Dunno where to have that happen but I'll find it eventually. I rather rely upon my wits and asking on LambdaMOO before I even touch the FAQs and walkthroughs. As for Pokemon Red, I will be starting that in earnest. I will take play the game until I get up to Celadon, get the eevee and then trade the eevee over when I will restart the game and get this lineup of pokemon under my belt: Bulbasaur Charmander Squirtle Pikachu Haunter Geodude From there, I'll just march through town and up Victory Road to hand Gary his ass. Woo hoo! 11/15/00 Go here Here's a pic to use if you want to link to my page. If I had anything to say today, it went out my brain and spilled everywhere. I think I'll have content tomorrow other than the pokemon stuff coming up in the next paragraph. My totodile is level 26 with the same powers as yesterday (I think, I'm rushing myself right now), I have an unnamed level 24 eevee who just learned quick attack and I'm grooming him to become an umbreon. My beedrill is level 24, my team of Crusher (graveller) and Spooky (haunter) are at level 25 and haven't been used much. My unnamed kadabra is level 25 and so fucking useful unlike the one I raised in level at the old folks near Goldenrod City. teleport flash confusion psybeam He's really fucking great and I thank #90845 for reminding me it's best to raise a pokemon myself rather than leaving it up to others and other forces in the game. Lastly, I caught the red gyarados who I renamed to Big Red and may or may not use. I will definitely be renaming him to GyaREDos just for the pun value. Whee! Good night! 11/16/00 So I checked out this link on Rebeka's page about favorite colors and how someone is in the sack. I chose green, even though the color green chosen on that page wasn't the pure, green of all greens #00FF00. GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity. Oookay. This is fucking crazy, for some reason I'm writing this on Tuesday night just minutes after uploading the page for 11/15/00 and exiting LambdaMOO for the night. Either I have a lot of nervous energy or I think that there is actually something to say but the words just aren't going from my brain to my fingertips and eyes. I'm making a point, starting last Monday evening, to not say "sorry" anymore after talking with my therapist. She advised me to think of how folks feel when they're on the other end of an apology that was completely unnecessary. When you're around friends, you shouldn't apologize and when you do apologize when it's unnecessary it's just diminishing yourself in front of them and it's just not a Good Thing (tm) because it lays a poor foundation for a relationship. Now there's a word that I hate. "Relationship" Sounds like something created by insurance companies and I'm certain that term will be appropriated by homosexuals because they use lots of terms to dance around the subject of being a sodomite plus the fact that relationship isn't that descriptive and it's gender ambiguous unlike marriage or dating which has a decidedly heterosexual aura about those particular terms. It's either you're someone's friend or you're someone's lover. What's with this relationship business? Just get to the fucking point and say "I love you" or "Gee, you're swell and you're my best friend". Best friends. I wonder what fucking succubus of hell created that terminology to be used by women. Despite the fact that I've seriously hardened myself on the inside, the looming shadow of those two words being used in connection with me makes my stomach twist in sympathetic pain based on my memories. Same way I got balled up and tense when Brian told me that Deanna was going to start having trust issues with him again because he screwed up the only zip disk that had all of a certain project she was creating. If it was that important, she should've had fifteen zips with that information. I've been there dealing with people's trust issues and it's certainly not a good thing, especially a beast known as trust. Just in Brian's case, it's dealing with something very superficial (a lost zip disk that should've been on many other zip disks in case one was lost) compared to dealing with other deeper emotional stuff that seems irreparable. Take this with a grain of salt because Brian is my oldest friend. It's a term I dislike using among opposite sex comrades, but then again some might think it's just as cruel to not let folks know where you stand with them. Either way, I will not change until I come to terms with stuff like this. Some cruelty is a fact of life but other kinds of cruelty are just unnecessary. In my estimation, the unnecessary cruelty is always cruelty directed towards those one loves. I'm going to be rereading The Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey (I hear Jaybird laughing and thinking of derisive things to say) starting tonight. I'm certain it'll help me kick diary_spivak's ass because he's been coming to the surface every so often lately and I want to keep him down long enough that he drowns and I'm rid of that aspect of my life. At least that public (hah) aspect of my life and keep it only for being with those close to me. Just not all the time because sensitivity (especially self-centered, self-pitying, needy, mewling sensitivity) can get old really fast. I reckon in my case it comes from the fact that I don't know what to be sensitive about so I'm sensitive about everything and from there I try to learn by trial and error. I'm superficial because I think the only reason why a woman would like me after meeting me is because I'm good in the sack and I have this thing in my head telling me that I'm not good in the sack. That I'm small. That I'm too quick. That I'm just out for myself. I think it's just me wanting someone to crow about me in one way or another and in a way that I can gloat and be manly for about five minutes. Of course the whole rubbing my ego would have to be entirely without someone being told to say it or feeling pressured to say it. It's another case of the bad, which has no basis in reality, completely obliterating the good which is based upon fact and not opinion. I have gone the whole range from good hard fucks, going four times in a row and all that other good stuff and gotten what I wanted too except for the fact that sometimes sex came in the way of watching something really good on TV. This diary's going to end here. I'll write more on Wednesday and let everything stay just because. Here is something really sad (in the pathetic sense not the sorrowful sense). I had a dream last night where I traded my kadabra in Pokemon Silver and got a piss-ass one in return and I was disappointed that I was stupid enough to trade and I was too tired to even bother training another. Aaauugh! Why did I just compose that paragraph and use the crazy color scheme there? It's not like I'm on crank or amphetamines! It must be boredom. At least it all works out. If you want to see the horror of FONT COLOR that previous paragraph is, just view source on the page. In the middle of composing that, I fixed up a press release for the screening for Project B on Thursday (which I will attend with my family). It reminded me a whole lot of doing the work for my father where I had to clean up spelling (even the spelling 'fixed' by Word. can't believe it thought they meant 'renouned' when 'renowned' was intended), grammar, punctuation and general layout. Sure they never did this for a living and the best they know is how to change the font's face and size but I can't get over the arrogant feeling I get (sometimes more of a wince) that they don't know this stuff. At least I'm able to pick up the ball and take their slack which just means cash in my pocket. WHEE! I fixed my father's laptop so it starts up quicker and told him more stuff about computers using my automobile analogy. The basis for this analogy comes from the fact that in his day cars were made to be powerful or fast, they were used to pick up chicks and an entire culture sprung up around cars becoming a phenomenon that brought different social classes together. Computers are the same way except that there wasn't any derision towards those who didn't know anything about cars and I reckon that comes from the fact that most of the interaction was face to face and within fist's reach. I hope that it's made him more comfortable and effective in using his computer as something more than just a tool to balance his books. Been taking a whole new set of pictures to share with the rest of you readers out there. They'll be appearing sometime later on this week, Friday at the latest. Lastly I'm going to make a promise to all the people on the internet. I'm not going to ever make this site password protected unlike some other web sites. Sure, I'll probably upload a page or two that's not linked to the rest of the site (i no ur m@d h@><0rnig skilz can fnid tit) but the biggest privacy measure that I'll implement are my anti-robot meta tags in the head of these documents. 11/17/00 Fuck. This whole site weighs in at about five megabytes. november00.html is already 70k in size. I thought I didn't have much to say this month but apparently I've been spamming the ever living shit out of this site with my nightly rambles. That's a picture of Rocco bothering me while I'm on the toilet. He has this habit of waiting until I'm in the bathroom with the door closed to start going "meow!" and pawing at the door wanting to be let in. What does he want to do? I have no idea. Sometimes I turn the faucet on for him, other times I throw a towel over him and see if he can escape. The most irritating thing that Rocco does is attack the toilet paper, especially when I'm trying to wipe myself. I lift up on one cheek holding onto a big wad of toilet paper and then suddenly there's a little white paw smacking at my hand and Rocco giving me a look of "You're not helping things". More pics tomorrow, I'll most likely have a picture a day for the next week. I went into NYC today and that reminded me never ever to drive into the city because it fucking sucks, especially when leaving the city late at night. I was at a screening for Project B that was intended to find distributors for the movie. Don't know what will happen, I'm just hoping for the best. Just that the movie isn't my cup of tea since I'm not hot on music. I remember all the way back to when I was five years old watching a a parade and cringing, cringing at my parents when they'd be enjoying the music while driving around, cringing in music class sitting quietly and not singing along with the rest of the class and feeling terribly embarassed for them. I'm more mature about this and I've mellowed out but my musical tastes are still about finding one thing, playing it over and over for about six months, getting tired of it and then not dealing with any music for quite a long time. Oh what joys I discovered when I realized there was good talk on the radio to fill up the quiet, empty miles when driving around creation. The thing that irritates me is that the local talk station has become the irritating soccer mom station with airheaded cunts whining and adding to the chorus of "What about the children?" I wish they'd bring back the radio show about movies. WWDB down in Philadelphia used to have a great movie show on Sunday nights but they replaced it with Frank Rizzo who's some limp wristed politician that burned down half of Philadelphia a few years back. I do recall listening to Frank Rizzo on the way back from Raisin Acres and he had this old black guy on who he advertised as someone who spoke common sense and the show was supposed to be genial chit-chat for the rest of the night instead of the usual political bullshit. His guest made a comment about God, I don't remember what it was but it was fairly benign, and how his screener got all pissy because she's Catholic and believes so much in God. That hit me as being really fucking insane. If I got all uppity because someone defamed the good name of the Tooth Fairy, I'd be tied up and thrown into a padded cell but when it comes to organized insanity it seems to be smiled at and ignored because it's nostalgic and quaint plus they need something to give lip service to when the present holidays roll around. Right now I'm not listening to anything in particular, I burned myself out on my mp3s The other MP3s I have are from Fight Club including Where is My Mind by the Pixies and Goin' Out West by Tom Waits. 11/18/00 This picture is what I see every time I'm trying to use the bathroom and a certain fuzzy white fellow insists on coming into the bathroom for no discernable reason. Whew, it was a very busy but non-work related day for me since I was running up to Upper Montclair to get something and then I swung around Maplewood for a few minutes, raced to my local post office, got my shit together and sent out a card with five minutes to spare because the post office was gearing up to close for the day. WHEW! Now I make busy kitten noises. Irritating thing is that I came home hoping to watch DBZ and I was an idiot forgetting today was Friday and they were playing stupid cartoon movies on Cartoon Network instead of DBZ. Fucking shit hellfire! Don't those Turner drones know that DBZ is the only good thing they have on their station? Screw Scooby. Screw Johnny Bravo. Screw Tenchi Muyo. At least they have their afternoons filled with fresh content well into December while Tenchi Muyo is being repeated for the third time, Scooby is old and I think they're just making thirteen new episodes of Johnny Bravo a year. At least there's Courage the Cowardly Dog but it's episodic and there are like fifteen episodes? CRY! Make more episodes! Just bushed, not up to doing anything. I wish that I had a phone line (an extention of the internet line I'm using, not my own personal phone number) in my bedroom so I could get on the internet and work there on my laptop instead of hooking up out here and working two computers like a mad man. I'd rather stick to just one. I wonder if I'd be able to have a web cam on this site or if eccentrix.com would complain about the bandwidth. It's not like I'm going to have fifty million folks watching nor will it be up twenty four hours a day. Hm. The only thing one would see is me typing, laughing, eating, watching TV, ignoring the computer or playing pokemon. Don't think that camarades.com would let me fix the page up (along with the cam border) so it fits with the look of my website. Anyway, I shouldn't even think about this because I don't even have a cam yet. 11/19/00 That's the frog tank in my bedroom. I have two African Clawed Frogs and they've been with me for a few years and I raised them from pups. If you look closely at the larger image the image above is linked to you can make out Pinky and Cartman on the bottom. The water is so messy because this species is not known for its cleanliness. The work required to keep the frogs in crystal clear fresh water would be crazy but my frogs are happy enough and they're a sturdy species that I've read many stories about like some guy working in a pet store who was cleaning out the encrusted bottom of a tank that was long forgotten and while scraping he unearthed an African Clawed Frog and he was right as rain. Another story involved people finding a frog that had escaped and dried up. They placed the wee beastie back in water and within minutes the frog was just fine after being in that dried state for months. I'll provide links for those stories tomorrow. My gift registry. My birthday is 12/12 and Christmas is coming up too. Pokemon Gold Black clothes pants 48 waist, 30 inseam XXL shirts Socks and underwear A digital camera This can be for both days A table lamp Fiction (SF) Puzzles (not jigsaw) I seem to have blown my load when I went out and bought a second gameboy along with the red and silver pokemon cartridges since those were the only things I really wanted. The stuff I listed is pretty much stuff that I need (except for pokemon gold, the generic stuff I listed and to a lesser extent the digital camera since a digital camera would help because i'd be able to take pictures and post them immediately and take pictures quickly without dealing with film and developing). The stuff that I really want ends up in the intangible category which can not be purchased at any store or given as a gift that can be wholly accepted and trusted. If you really want to find out what I want, the stuff that lies in the intangible department, email me. 11/20/00 That's Ben.

11/21/00 Happy birthday, Dee. I have introduced my father to pokemon. Right now he's playing pokemon red and I don't know if he's gotten past his first gym leader and I know for certain that he hasn't caught any pokemon yet. Tonight when he gets home, I'll tell him how to catch pokemon and use them to battle other pokemon and tell him about type disadvantages. Caught Lugia on Saturday night with my last ultra ball (I had about 12 along with a fast ball and a friend ball) and it was a nailbiter because I had whittled Lugia down to one hit point using Crusher's rock smash and put Lugia to sleep but he kept popping out of the damned pokeballs. Now I have a flying pokemon so I can fly around Johto with impunity. Last night I tried going up to the Elite Four to get past them and take on Ash Ketchum but I was wasted when I ran up against the third of the Elite Four. Good thing I didn't save since I had about 50k in my pocket. I'll be training my pokemon some more and I'm going to try to borrow my other gameboy back from my father so I can capture a pikachu in blue, trade it over to silver and breed it for a pichu. Same goes for my hitmonchan. I know if this was real, I'd feel sorry for my ditto because I'm only keeping him at the old folks' place as a stud. Can such a term be applied to something without gender? Lugia, level 42 aeroblast waterfall gust fly Crusher, level 36 graveller strength magnitude rock smash headbutt Blackie, level 37 umbreon bite faint attack sand attack quick attack Spooky, level 36 haunter hypnosis shadow ball night shade mean look Snappy, level 36 feraligatr bite surf water gun strength Zappy, level 36 alakazam recover flash confusion psybeam That's the current state of my room as viewed from the doorway. I haven't been dreaming much lately and I miss it. Maybe it stems from my conscious mind being active a lot more what with work and playing with the gameboy that my brain just wants death sleep instead of dream sleep. Whenever I do dream next, I'm certain it will be interesting enough to post here. Thanksgiving is coming up, along with my sister's birthday. The bad thing is that I'll have to go shopping on Black Friday but on the up side I'm big, surly and have a presence which makes folks want to get out of my way. I'll just put on my going into NYC face and storm around. Lately it's been soooo lovely and cold! Heavens to betsy, it's nipplicious out there and sliding more and more with the passing of each day. I'm happy. Just hoping that we might get a dusting of snow before December. I remember one old wive's tale about snow, whatever day the first snow falls is how many times it will snow that winter. The first time I heard this tidbit was way back in the mid nineties when we had blizzards and someone stated that the first snow was on the 27th of November and we had fifteen snowfalls, seven of which were blizzards. On Wednesday I'm headed into NYC which is certain to be a horror especially when trying to return back home and avoiding the crunch. One last thing, I will be restarting Pokemon Silver soon. It's troOoOO. I'm not happy with the pokemon I chose and I'm not up to training more pokemon to take their place. 11/22/00 I have a strange feeling about tomorrow. I'm hoping for good news. I restarted pokemon. Still trying to think of things to be thankful for when Thanksgiving finally rolls around. Nothing else is going on. Hum. I've been thinking in Flash and somewhat in actionscript. I think my brain is primed but somehow either I'm just procrastinating or I have the usual brain block I have when it comes to programming. I mean, programming in Flash is easy. You just click on an action then write in what you want it to do. And I've made up scenes, because its animation it works with scenes even when it's not cartoons. My block with programming comes when I get up to doing for/next type loops or anything more complicated. Yes, I've built some things on MOO that are complicated (in my eyes) and I've come to understand more about programming just being immersed in the MOO environment but I'm hardly a 3133+ h@><0r. I'm heartened by this since being able to dream in another language, natural or artificial, is a good sign of understanding it, in fact I read that counting and praying in another language before your own language is a good sign as well. Or was that just something i remember from eighth grade spanish class. Even though moo isn't a language, I've dreamt in moo but then again who hasn't because MOO is nothing more than an online consensual dream Oh yeah, I'm going to look for my old notebooks with dreams and I'll transcribe those for a week instead of writing entries." Thanksgiving I am thankful for my health, the fact that I have money coming in, that I have good job skills and if things happen to go wrong I can find work again really quick and keep sucking up all that cash. I'm thankful for the direction that my life has taken in the past six months, the fact that I'm talking with Malyss, how I can talk to Kinja and being able to play chess / yammer / do nothing with Devotchka. I'm thankful I have this web page which gives me a feeling that I'm communicating in some roundabout way with folks even though it really isn't tht way. I'm thankful for Ben and Kate. My father.  becomes  Lineup will probably change as I progress. Still no dreams :( 11/24/00 I think I get a block on being productive when I don't get what I want and I end up obsessing on getting what I want but I can't get what I want because I need to do what I have to do in order to get what I want and somehow the prospect of a reward from my efforts seems to pale in comparison with my pursuit of happiness and pleasure. Playing pokemon doesn't give me pleasure, it makes me feel busy. God, that's awful sad. Then again, lately I've been feeling awful quiet and lazy. So much so that I haven't thought about updating my diary because nothing interesting has happened. Sure, I can say that without hesitation but that's me thinking for you. Gentle reader, I have done nothing. I can't get a fire under my ass. I'm staring into space. Lord Jesus, why am I spinning my wheels? I don't know if I can say that I'm spinning my wheels because that would actually involve effort on my part. 11/25/00 I don't know what to write for this entry. Yesterday I got a package from Jaybird and maribou and it was quite lovely and beautiful. Two science fiction books and a wonderful grimoire of spelles called "Teen Witch". I'll be looking through it as greater length as the days pass me by like so many cars on the turnpike. Look! You're getting two diary entries for one day! CAN YOU STAND IT? Last but not least, I had fun with Ben and Kate. Ben and Kate started barking. My sister had come home. My sister said hello to them and went upstairs to retire for the evening. Ben went into Katie's bed and they started growling at each other. I stood up to watch the spectacle and had the funny thought to growl at them and act menacing. Ben hid underneath the desk, Katie got in bed with Ben and squished him against the wall. I just checked on the two little monsters, Katie went to Ben's bed and Ben's in Katie's bed. Yay, Ben! 11/26/00 Look! I'm just like Wellsie! Reading: The Wild Shore Listening to: Nothing Mood: Positive I saw Unbreakable. I left the theater with mixed feelings mostly because the ending made the movie feel far too short. This is where I spoil the movie. David Dunn is special. He has never been sick, he's never been hurt, his only weakness is water. Elijah Price, or Mr. Glass, has brittle bones and he developed his mind since his body was so fragile. In that fragility, Mr. Glass felt like he didn't have a purpose and that spurred him to cause various accidents where no one would survive except for one type of person. That person would emerge as the sole survivor who was miraculously unharmed by the disaster. The third time was a charm and he found David Dunn. Using his knowledge of comic books, Mr. Glass' only companion as he languished with broken bones, he helped David Dunn realize he was meant for something more and David Dunn also knew that he was meant for something more because each morning he would wake up feeling sad because he wasn't doing what he was meant to do. He finds his purpose in life, does a heroic deed using his special powers which seem to be based on clairvoyance and being physically superior. He reminded me a lot of Batman. At the end of the movie, he shakes Elijah Price's hand and gets a vision of everything Price did in order to find his other half (so to speak). As David Dunn leaves, the credits do that thing of "David Dunn turns Elijah Price in for terrorism" and "Elijah Price is incarcerated at someplace for the criminally insane". That's it. The ending left me wondering. Not in the "Will there be a sequel called Breakable" kind of way but why would the story end there? Happy? I give Unbreakable a rating of three stars out of five. While driving home I passed a cop parked in the shadows and I realized that the last time I got a speeding ticket was when I was driving this girl back to her friends after we met for the first time. She had driven up from Tennessee to meet me with her friends and she had to get back for Thanksgiving dinner. She dumped me on my birthday. Haha. I remember the thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that God was number one to her and how she seemed to use that for a reason rather than saying she thought it was a mistake that she met me and she couldn't see herself behaving and all that. Behaving meaning only messing around with women. Here's something interesting, her name was Kinja as well in real life but she was known as Thalia and Silken on MOOs. That was strike two against God in my book. I hate God. Kinja has this big spiritual thing about God and it was an issue between us because I felt there wasn't any God and if there was I wanted to slit His throat and kick His corpse off His throne. God never did anything in my estimation to earn whatever fucking respect afforded to Him by sheep who realize that life is futile and decide to leave their fate up to some fairy tale. I screwed up one time where I met her sister and her family and I stated quite casually that I hated God. Whoops, wasn't thinking there. Her brother in law was pissed and her sister's jaw dropped. Fun thing is that one of her nephews stated later that he agreed with me which I thought was pretty fucking cool. I also stated at another time how much I disliked the fact that there was this grandiose being who apparently didn't give a shit and there were so many blind idiots stumbling around because they bought into the lie. Maybe the anger was partly anger at people for getting involved in this shit in the first place and they deserve better. I know I would be a whole lot more mellow about God and His sheep if they actually took Jesus' words that prayer and religion should be something done in the privacy of your own home and not flaunted about in public or worn on your sleeve. The more you say you believe, the less you actually do believe because it comes down to the Lewis Carroll mentality of "What I say three times is true". Same goes for love. Saying "I love you" over and over can take away the power of that small sentence. I'm now wary of saying "I love you" especially since in my experience there is something that can be said which is more profund and is balanced by both sides of the mind rather than riding the raging bronco that is the right side of the brain (or the cock, depending on how you look at things). "I trust you." This means a lot to me and I don't think I've ever said it to anyone. On one hand, Kinja couldn't trust me for various reasons which I will not go into because I may not have them right or she'll think I'm demonizing her. If you really want to know, talk to me on LambdaMOO. I always thought that Malyss was going to leave me because she would get fed up with me being a bump on a log or how I would talk violently sometimes which would scare her. That means I would talk about how I would want to break someone's hands in such a way that they'd heal badly and be claws or puncturing someone's eye to spite them and leave them a reminder that they shouldn't spite me. I just can't get myself to trust. I'm not a victim nor do I intend to portray myself as a victim here. This is the same kind of barrier that I have when it comes to being productive. I know what I have to do (in the case of trust, take a chance) but it seems insurmountable. Lastly, I know that I have been dreaming but I can't recall exactly what I've been dreaming. I woke up from a dream thinking I should record the dream but I didn't and went back to sleep where I entered a world of black shadows whispering around each other pretending to be a dream. 11/27/00 It's my sister's birthday and I'm probably going to spend it running around like a decapitated domesticated fowl trying to find her a gift. Devotchka gave me an idea of what to get my sister and I'll be taking care of that first and the other stuff second. I feel odd buying my sister a gift certficiate but that's what I'll get at the very last minute if I don't find anything. Sunday, like the rest of the weekend, was a waste. eccentrix.com isn't coming up and I'm irritated at that. Now for stuff that hhsb sent me from her company's customer complaint board. I have seen so many commercials for all these kids meals with toys that my children go crazy for, but they get very dissapointed when I tell them it is not for us. You know why? Because we are vegetartian. There are many vegetarian people out there who feel left out when they see a very nice fast food resturant but can't go because there are no vegetarian meals. Like my kids, you know that Burger King Big Kids Meal? Now they have those new Pokemon toys but the Big Kids Meal has only meat. I think they should have a meal especially for vegetarians because this can be a seriouse issue. She noted that she thought I wrote the following. I want to contact McDonalds to ask them why they don't have a peanut free restaurant for all the hundreds of thousands of children and adults that have Peanut Allergy and cannot eat at McDonalds. They seem to cater to the welfare of children but neglect to acknowledge a deadly food allergy that keeps children from ever going to McDonalds. Why don't they have an e-mail address so I can contact them directly? Cum, she told me, up her rump hump a hump hump She said my cock hurt her rear hump a hump hump hump a hump hump 11/28/00 Dreamt that me and someone else were planning on bilking Quinn out of a million dollars. It started out where I was pretending to be sick at my grandmother's house and the person in charge there was Mr. Rogers. He had some cute girls working for him as well. I went outside and drew on my face, writing "Mr. Rogers (heart) Mr. McFeely" but realized I'd get thrown out if he saw it so I erased it from my face. I got back inside and someone else started talking with me about how to get a million dollars. Before I knew it, we were in my father's hometown which was flooded like Venice riding around in speedboats and going to this mall reknowned for being filled with Mexicans. Pretty much I was going to go see Quinn wearing a suit and talk presidential kinda stuff. Quinn already paid 50,000 dollars because we insisted and we were going to take that and the million dollars. He handed the cash over to me and I dashed out of there running through a small maze of shops until I made it to a sidewalk where I leapt across the canal street and landed on the other side where I hightailed it to an airport to catch a flight back to Florida and our safehouse. Once back there, the phone was passed off to me and it was Quinn. He was congratulating me on bilking him out of cash and that he was impressed. Thing is that I couldn't get any peace and quiet because folks kept wandering to my area while I was on the phone and being all loud so I couldn't hear a thing. I changed locations about three times to no avail. The dream ended there. In other news, hhsb clarified the source of those complaints yesterday and they are from eComlaints and not her company. I regret the error. My sister liked the mood nail polish I purchased for her birthday. The sixty bucks I gave her was also welcome. I wrote a note in her card that I was proud that she's kept herself gainfully employed for so long and I'd gladly trade her half of my talent with women (HAH) for half of her employability. She thought it was sweet. Around four, my father warned me that my therapist might bring up the whole thing with a free session and the time I spent 3/4 of a session showing her how to use a search engine. Thankfully she didn't raise the issue and therapy continued normally without tension or whatnot. I'd feel strange switching therapists especially to the therapist my father mentioned if I was going to leave Phyllis. Then again, I'm thinking about making therapy something less frequent and weaning myself off of it. Anyway, I'm going to be busy tonight. I have pushups and web stuff to do. 11/29/00 Good game tonight, too bad the combat has to wait until next week for resolution. I hope my haymaker does some good and knocks the robot I'm battling into orbit with 16 dice of damage. Overally it was a good day, my work was complimented by the bosses at work after I uploaded it which was a load off my chest because I was worried I was uploading something that wasn't really up to snuff. Tomorrow I'll be buying Christmas lights with my father and then going to his business (it's closed on Wednesdays) to work quietly doing flash stuff for Project A. The flash stuff for Project B is on hold right now because I said so. Can't say that there's much else going on and I'm still procrastinating on the subject of getting my old notebooks and transcribing my old dreams because there are so many books and notebooks piled up in order for me to find them. Not much else. G'nite. 11/30/00 Went out to buy Christmas lights with my father, had lunch with him, going out later to do work at his business for peace and quiet. Good news is that Devotchka received my package today. It was sent out a few weeks ago and I'm glad that she had no idea I was sending a package except maybe for the last day or so when her mother said that she was told a package was waiting for Devo. I got her art supplies and two gemstones that I found along a far away creek bed. It's MANY hours since I wrote the previous paragraph. It's now 5:10 a.m. and I'm going to bed. I think I will take a day for myself and try and reset myself so I can function properly and be productive rather than dance the dance of trying to look/feel productive. I'm tired, nebulous and I guess happy. Can't define it, hence the nebulousness.

ehhehheeee nice 1 dawg 2swet =D peachz

The one on the left is Malyss' current boy
and on the right is the dashing BlueGoblin.