July 2000
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Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been more than twenty years since my last confession. I logged onto Lambda as a guest even though I said I wouldn't log in. I beg your forgiveness. Read my log and judge my sins.
I'm trimming the hedges today and everything's going well. This time I'm not using a ladder though. I only stopped because it seems the extension cord finally gave out much to my dismay. I'll find something new in a little bit.
I dreamt last night, the first dream was a bit hazy but it had something to do with me being in my grandmother's basement and screaming when I saw her ghost. I was going around her basement and there were two people I knew with me but I didn't know exactly who they were. Anyway I went into this one area and had this shadow flicker at the edge of my vision and I freaked. I went and told someone and when I came back (alone because they thought I was insane) I saw my grandmother ironing and I started screaming.
I found myself in my father's business late at night and I was closing up when I kept seeing shadows at the periphery of my vision. I went outside to see if it wasn't something from there coming through the windows then I went back in and found this enormous fat guy (his body shape was slightly more enormous than Fatsign when I met him at the NYE bash which is saying a lot. that porky rabbi-spawn is fatter than me) wearing red striped shirt, khakis, short hair and a strange mustache kinda like Jackie Gleason in his last few years. I shivered because he introduced himself as me from the future.
What did I do? I immediately asked him what the winning lottery numbers were and if he was really from the future and really me he would've brought along a newspaper to give me the winning lottery numbers. He said he would be back and he returned with a newspaper reading off the numbers. Two, three, sixteen, two, three, and from there I don't recall but I was pissed that they weren't the lottery numbers (no repeats in the sequence and all that) and I asked him if my theory on time travel and alteration was right (the fact that if you did get the winning lottery numbers from the next drawing, they wouldn't be exactly the same and you'd still lose because the lottery involves randomness and each future has it's own lottery drawing that wins) and my old fat fuck self shrugged and said he needed to get back because he had to return his newspaper to some prank shop.
Either it really was me from the future or it was a joke. Grrr.
Just finished trimming the hedges. Yay! Now I'm all icky.
Why weren't there any women on Bonanza? Could it be Hoss and Joe were a bunch of queers?
Fear Lorne Greene. Lorne Greene, dissolver of all marriages. Angel of Death to all women who dare take the title of 'wife'. In Bonaza, his sons would find a woman and either marry her only to lose her in the same episode or to lose her a few episodes later. Or she would be run over by a runaway wagon. In Battlestar Galactica, he weds Starbuck to some woman and she dies in the same episode. Coincidence? NO! Funny thing is that the planet they landed on was called Kobol. Ehehhehhee.
I figure it's the fact that Lorne Greene generates a temporal field that speeds up time. Just look at his Alpo commercials. "This here is Rufus, he's a hundred and five! That's fifteen in human years." so that means when he died he was 497 years old (I'm not doing the math for how many months make up a Lorne Greene year). Thankfully this morbid methuselah has passed off the mortal coil and has been rendered into a case of Alpo that was auctioned off on ebay. So guys, are you tired of being married? Invoke Lorne Greene!
Dress up like Commander Adama, play the theme to Bonanza really loud and consume the Holy Host of Alpo while stating the length of your 'tour of duty' out loud and converting it to Lorne Greene years (a Lorne Greene year is 1.7 months. when he died he was most certainly five hundred) in your head and beg him for release. Undoubtedly there will be a covered wagon accident or a Cylon attack which will take care of things without having a messy divorce. Ladies, don't be afraid to do this too! Just protect yourself with the sigil of Michael Landon and this rite shall work wonders for you too!
And another thing! What other neato patches did the Nazis make people wear? I know there were yellow stars and pink triangles but what did gypsies wear? Purple horseshoes? Every time I hear a Lucky Charms commercial I think of the holocaust. Nazi Lucky Charms! They're magically atrocious!
Random shit. For most of the weekend I had "Doll Parts" stuck in my head, now I'm cursed with having Slim Whitman stuck in my head because Mars Attacks was on every waking moment this weekend. When I hurt my back and a few days after that I had the little line from the Simpsons episode where Homer met his mom stuck in my head "How many roads must a man walk before they call him a maaaaaaaan?" followed with Homer's answer though I would change the number every time.
My back hurts a bit but I'll live. Heck, I just sneezed and it didn't hurt. Battlestar Galactica chain reaction yesterday ended on the episode where they pick up Earth signals, attack a Cylon base and completely ignore the third planet. Foo, I wanted to see the episode where they do come across Earth. I didn't watch this all the way through but apparently I was lucky enough to catch crucial episodes in the plot arc and see the same fucking episode for the umpteenth time (the one with the kids in cryogenic capsules and the talk of some eastern alliance which are space commies or something) which I remember being a rerun back when Battlestar Galactica was first run.
Now I'm going to put together a deck or two, maybe a Naga enlightenment deck which oughta fuck me hard three ways from Sunday because I'll be playing 1 on 1 instead of multiplayer (if Tim brings his cards today).
Okay, it's still the fourth but it's close enough to midnight. Tonight wasn't that good of an evening. Lots of shit went down where I burned a hamburger, I attempted to hide the fact and get things done with no confrontation but there ended up being a confrontation with my mother. Then my father got into things because he felt he was in the middle. My mother put him in the middle but he placed himself there moreso. I'm never talking with my sister again for another reason (she wasn't home for this debacle and I apologize again to Tim for him being in the middle of it all as a spectator).
I feel sad and a strange sense of despair inside of me thinking back about this poor rottie who's being put to sleep that my sister told me about and how I felt inside of me the poor rottie's innocent soul wondering why he's being put to sleep because he has so much in front of him and how he never did anything but love. I felt his howling inside the hollow of my chest. I know my chest is hollow.
I am glad that Tim hung around and we got to talk about shit (gaming to evolution to politics and other stuff) after the fireworks which were lovely.
This family is dead.
I can't make myself try to pull things together. I don't think I want to and I hope someone else will but my father is too tired, I have no clue what my mother is and my sister is merely her aloof self who is more interested in going out and smoking pot than anything else.
I feel sad. Doubly sad. I know the rottie has bone cancer but I still wish there was something to be done.
That's all I want to tell you.
Okay, I lied. Fuck you. I haven't felt this kind of sadness/depression since December. It's like someone took a melon baller and carved me out. I'm just a rind.
My father said he was proud of the way I stood up to my mother and that I saved him a shitload of grief. I bought a bunch of L5R cards today but it ends up that I didn't get any Naga cards except the experienced Mara. Motherfuck. Oh well, I'll be ordering a shitload of cards through the mail and it'll only come out to about 15 bucks or so. I dropped about 33 bucks on cards today.
Last night I had a strange dream that it was raining and I was in an old convertible that was owned by my father (in the dream) and I had the roof down. I was more afraid of getting a book wet rather than getting the interior of the convertible wet.
Oh yes, Crotchrot_Skunk... Last I heard that some money you did receive from certain MOOers has not been repaid and has been written off as a loss with a vow never to give a certain single mother who can't keep her legs closed any money ever again. Cram that up your shitter and twirl around for a few years.
Oh wait... maybe I'm wrong and "the check is in the mail". Sure, and I'll see you at church and I won't cum in your mouth.
As for yesterday, I was too preoccupied or trying to keep myself preoccupied with IRL to even go near the computer.
Another day, another nothing. The only thing I did was get two L5R card trades underway and those should be out in the mail come tomorrow evening. By next week I'll be buying cards and depending on how therapy goes I might have a good week. No, I'm not depending on therapy to make my week go well but it certainly does help and gaming will certainly help set the tone for the days to come.
I feel really drained right now and it's going to be a bit before I can get myself back up to speed. I woke up like this on Friday morning and it's been lingering with me. I don't have a fever, I don't have anything that's making me sick, I just have this feeling of exhaustion that's to the point I can't even touch myself.
I don't know why I obsess and try to put rhyme or reason on people. A few minutes ago my mind was wandering and going over why my mother might be so fucking nuts outside of just being toxic because an answer like that is just too simple for me to accept completely. The same way I can't accept that there are some people out there who truly do love me and how I can't accept it. Not because I think I'm unlovable because I reckon I've gotten past that kind of thinking but I put so many definitions and expectations behind the word 'love' that I blow it out of proportion.
'Love' isn't the question I'm posing here. Just why is it that I can't accept simple explanations? Do I lack faith to such an extreme that something that's simply empirical I can not accept unless it has some big explanation behind it to fit my tastes?
Everything has to be complicated with me. That sucks. Complications only leads to drama queenery (at the worst). Foo.
I really didn't do anything productive today, in the adult sense. I've been busying myself with some unsolicited work at Ghostwheel to make a quest area and a new hunting area using stuff that already exists (just making more of it) and the corresponding rooms. I'm hoping that this will go over well and they'll implement it but I'm not going to submit this until I have all the maps to the megarooms created and room descriptions/room details written.
Of course it'll need spit and polish but I'm going to submit this with it being 80% done (the other twenty being editing and grunt work of actual creation).
Right now there's a teeny tiny spider falling down from the celing on a thread and he's right over the keyboard. I hope he lands on the desk and doesn't go near the keyboard lest he be squashed beneath my furious typing fingers and accompanying keys.
My sister has a serious bug up her cunt and it's eating away at the rot that's festering in there. Ben has to go to the vet today to find out why he's limping and I thought my sister would know something about what's been done to alleviate his pain over the past weekend. I came into the kitchen, sat down and asked her a question. I did see that she was eating but I didn't press the point and let her answer in her own time only to be given a really nasty look. When I asked her a few more questions she started getting snotty and railed in from nowhere of "Why don't you ask Mom? Are you too afraid of her?"
I don't have her number nor do I know any way to communicate with her at work and I informed her of this.
I made an evil comment of "Well since you don't want to help..." she never said she didn't know anything "...I'll just take him to be euthanized" and she hit me. Laughable.
She started yelling and shouting at me after I said that there is never any reason to hit someone. I defended myself with the facts of me approaching her with a civil tone and being patient. Cuntrag was real upset and was hurling epithets like crazy. She also made me laugh when she said "Why do you always have to start fights?" because I'm dead certain that I didn't start this nor did I come looking for any conflict with her.
Thing is that I had an urge to crack her across the jaw but it was just an urge, not some force going down my arm and guiding my fist. I was in control and I was quite happy about that. Not that I've hit her before. When growing up she would always dig her nails into my arm (drawing blood), punch me and pinch me until my patience would break and I would slap her, not hard, and she would go off crying bloody murder. My delightful mother would then beat me and tell me never to hit my sister regardless of the cuts she left on me. That's really healthy. No wonder why I have strained relationships with other women.
I feel if someone's (regardless of gender or size) going to hit someone else, they should expect to be struck back. It's nice to think this is the magical world of gum drop houses on lollipop lane where everyone is civil or everyone takes into account that someone is smaller than you or female that one won't strike out in anger but if people want to resort to violence they might as well understand the consequences of violence rather than get away with it because they are smaller.
No, I'm not some abusive schmuck (according to rumor) like Blackbriar and I've never raised my hand in anger to Malyss or Kinja nor would I ever to any other woman I become entangled (heh) with in the future.
Anyway, today just cemented the fact that I'm not going to talk with my sister again. If she's stranded out on the Turnpike or in the middle of downtown Newark she can fend for herself among the predators there.
Bah.
I'm going to stop playing Legend of the Five Rings when they change the backs of the cards. It really wasn't a big deal when they changed the card faces but now they're changing the card backs which is really stupid. If they were going to change the card backs, why didn't they hold off on changing the card faces and completely revamp the look of the game?
I won't be playing anymore, or collecting. I might play Tim or play over at RPS but that's about it.
Other than that, I'm stuck trying to think of a decent layout for a three dimensional maze. Especially how to make one area particularly difficult to enter.
Just got in from gaming. Was out late because the game wound down slowly and Tim, Brian and I went over to the diner to hang out, eat and talk a bit.
Brian looks strange without his glasses and I didn't know how used I am to seeing him wearing his glasses all the time that I didn't notice them until they were gone. He had laser surgery to get his eyes in tip-top shape and he's no longer wearing glasses. I said that if I let my imagination run away with me and really ponder it I reckon I would've figured that someone replaced Brian the same way they replaced Dick York with Dick Sargent thinking that no one would notice the switcheroo.
As far as I could tell, he's the same guy.
While driving home I found a kitty who was run over and I placed the kitty on the side of the road so the kitty could rest in peace rather than being beaten into the asphalt until there's nothing left but fur and dust. The moon was still up, but low in the sky, and I whispered to the kitty the way to go to find the summer lands. From what little I could discern, the kitty wasn't that old. Probably about the age where he would've left his mother and gone out on his own, the lanky kinda kitty who's growing into an adult. Wherever the kitty's soul is now, I hope that the kitty's at peace. I avoided pronouns because I didn't check to see what gender the kitty was and I will not refer to the kitty as 'it' because I think it's disrespectful. Spivak pronouns on the other hand are just plain stupid and adopted by faggots.
Lastly I've been thinking that I need to learn how to accept goodness in my life rather than be told about the good, experience the good and all that then as an afterthought looking for the bad because I feel I'm not deserving of the good and there must be some strings attached, some bad, something that will come out and bite my ass. On the other hand, I think I have controlling my emotions IRL down pat which is a Good Thing (tm) but I fear that somehow I might become bland or sound like a fucking robot with my even vocal tone and how I deal with things.
Now on to the gaming diary. G'nite. Maybe more to follow later in the day, maybe not. The only thing I have planned is buying stuff for myself (the Naga RPG book and ordering the L5R Naga cards from the usual place I purchase them from). If only I could find a place that sells dice around here.
Twelve hours later. Whoo, just finished washing up the baseboards and door jambs so they can be painted this weekend. It helped me in the fact that it got me away from going around Ghostwheel and hunting plus it let me get my head in order. Reminding me to be consistent with my not giving a shit attitude, to be happy with what I have and not look for bad, and other shit in general.
I seriously want to avoid creating drama because my life seems relatively dull right now. I feel silly saying that after all the stimulation I got last week (fights galore) and the fun of yesterday's game.
I was going to write something but I decided against it because I want to fuck with you. Lastly for you limey cocksuckers and braindead Paul Hogan clones:
Cookies, elevator, french fries, truck; don't say 'petrol' or you suck.
Just got finished doing two money spells to bring prosperity and opportunity. Woo woo. One for me just because I need the money and another for Devo because she's been looking for work with the same success I have met.
Pretty much here's the spell. Take a dollar bill that's part of a sequential set (of sequential serial numbers). Write the person's full name and birthdate on the left side of the George Washington face and on the left side write down the aspects you wish to invoke and the sign that the moon is currently in (hopefully a beneficial sign). On the back fill the border with one's lucky number and cross out 'God' and replace it with the name of the victim. Burn the dollar and sprinkle the ashes into some natural running water.
Just a small hint, when you open a box of matches for the first time, make a point to open the box of matches upside down so when it's partially open the bad stuff inside can fall out. Reseal the matchbox, flip it over and use the matches.
Woo hoo! It seems that the cable company that provides for my area is finally going to give us the god damned mother fucking Cartoon Network! Too bad it doesn't start until August 1st. Just hope that this isn't one of those 'watch this and let us know if you like it' things.
Whee! I rip off silly pics that I didn't make!
When I haven't been screwing around on Ghostwheel (nobody roleplays there anymore, there's just hunting) I've been looking up stuff about Wizardry. It's the first computer game I ever played and I remember spending hours going around those dungeons, mapping places and finally killing Werdna which only led to me returning to Werdna, killing him over again and returning for yet another set of 250,000 experience points.
When I transferred my characters over to Knight of Diamonds, I screwed up the scenario disk and lost them for good. Motherfucker! I had Lords, Bishops, a Samurai (with a murasama blade) and a Mage. I never got far with Knight of Diamonds because it's geared for characters who are really high level and not first level characters.
Then I played Legacy of Llygamin which thankfully was geared for 1st level characters and it was fun but lacked something that was in The Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord. I played Wizardry 5 which was really really good and I remember how I'd get a bit worked up at the graphics they had for gypsies. Once I got a PC, I got The Return of Werdna which was fun but really fucking annoying since every time you went to a new level of the dungeon where you're trapped you had to enter some code that made sure that you weren't playing a pirated version. Jeez. The cosmic cube levels were nearly impossible and getting to the ending (rather than the other endings) was rough.
I tried playing Crusaders of the Dark Savant but it kept crashing on my PC, it couldn't handle fast machines (fast machines being something like a P90).
Other stuff, last night it was delightfully quiet outside. Earlier in the evening I could hear an owl in the distance, I wonder if it was the same owl who I remember hearing up here every so often. When I went to move my car over to the church I noticed that I could hear our attic fan all the way down the street. Once I got close to my car I really had to strain to hear the rattling but it was definitely there. While walking back I admonished myself for being such a noisy human, even when all I was doing was breathing, because there wasn't any of that silence anymore that I had when going to my car. The roads were quiet, no breeze rustling the trees with arborial whispers, just my fat labored breathing and my pulse in my ears.
Definitely need to lose weight, even though this means I will be at a disadvantage the next time I attend a bash and Firesign's there. He'll sit his fat ass on me and I'll be lost spelunking his fudgy cave. PHEAR FATSIGN!!! Even more, phear Bodey because if her nude pics are close to reality there's a reason to envy the blind.
Boy I had an amazing hardon this morning. I was sleeping and I woke up realizing that I had a hardon and there was no way it was going away. Sad thing was that I wasn't horny at all but I was amused that my dick was amazingly hard. After falling back asleep and waking up a bit later I realized that it was still there which had me scared that I might have a priapism.
No such luck.
On Ghostwheel I bought a warp tube (pretty much you set a 'home' for it and you can use it to teleport there instantly, verbs like @go and @join are disabled. it works on charges which sucks) and I'm gathering up crystals again since chainsaws appear to be running around 6k-8k in price.
I forgot. There's going to be a Blair Witch 2 coming out in October.
NOoOOoooOoOoOooOOo! I hope it bombs.
Not much of a day, just got up early because they were working on a gas line out in the street and the workers had to come in the house to turn gas off and turn it back on again. Therapy was moved to Wednesday and I reckon that gaming is still going on tomorrow night.
Lately I've been feeling bad that I haven't been too talkative, sometimes I feel obliged to be talkative because I want to talk to people but I have nothing to say, because I don't want to babble on about my fucking downswings. The same would go if I was having an upswing because I wouldn't want to talk about the good in my life in fear of making someone irritated. I just don't want to be self-centered, this page is my forum for being self-centered. Outside of this I have to be a different person.
Why? It's better than what I am and I hope it's a bit more interesting. Life isn't interesting right now nor has it been for a bit so this page has become more about navel gazing which is boring me. I know I should do something about it but I think I'm holding myself back.
While chatting briefly with Brian after the game I realized that it was a really beautiful night. I love it when the clouds are really high and thin, how the moonlight shines through a lovely blue, especially how the temperature was perfect. Gracious, I found myself staring up at the sky wondering how lovelier it must be where there is no light pollution, the earthly cloud layer juxtaposed with the celestial clouds of the milky way, how the moon outshines the nearest stars but how those tiny cold jewels become far brighter the further one's eye travels from Luna.
I can't bring myself to go outside and lay down to watch the night roll overhead, the backyard is where the dogs go poop and I'd feel strange doing it because I'm never comfortable in this house.
I'm feeling pretty low-key and I don't want to ruin this entry or my mood by typing too much.
I love all of you, even if you don't love me. Why? Because I'm an idiot.
I don't feel alright. There's an air of autumn outside but definitely too warm for my leather jacket which I want to wear because it's my security blanket.
I have one happy thought, I made Tim concede defeat last night when I played my Nagas against his Lion deck. Pretty slim pickings.
Earlier today I was scanning in car photos for my dad, he did another appraisal for a classic car and he takes all the pictures by himself, and I had to alter one of the pictures to make it look better. Nah, he didn't ask me. Anyway.
The pic had a reflection of my mother in one of the windows and I removed it using the clonebrush tool. A bit eerie wiping her image away leaving a reasonable facsimile of the GTO's interior and I thought to myself it would be awfully keen if I could do that in real life or just know how to do that in my mind.
It doesn't look that good but for what it's for, it's good enough. Silly car has these vertical seams that disrupt the horizontal seam pattern and if you look really carefully you'll spot where I touched up the picture.
It's late, I just got finished with the megaroom maps for my GhostWheel quest. Nothing to eat in the house. Tonight was a great TV night with Farscape and Lexx. I'm stuck picking Golden Grahams out of a box, I definitely need real food sometime soon before my pancreas calls it quits and decides that I should be diabetic. Yecch.
That's pretty much it. I missed yesterday, oops!
I dreamt I got caught up with this Chinese woman and we fooled around at some hotel that was part of a mall. After she left, I went downstairs for a walk. There's this huge stairwell that went down a long way, it was all tiled like a subway. At the bottom were these Russian girls who were washing butchered chickens on these chromed metal racks. First time I went past I saw one washing her breasts in the same non-sexual fashion as if she was washing her hands. I went through this area and found myself going back into my hotel hallway where I passed this skeevy, flat Chinese chick in purple. She had acne and really bad stringy hair.
When I went for a walk again, I went past the chicken-washing place and there were more topless Russian women. I wished I had a camera because it'd be a cool contri for VoyeurWeb. I went through, not really noticing the look of contempt coming from this olive skinned, black haired chick who was butt-naked.
When I was near my room again, I saw the skeevy Chinese chick who followed me this time and a few steps behind her was my Chinese woman. She was cute, very round and curvy and she wore this red top that shimmered like blood at Christmastime. Odd thing was that she claimed we were married and I didn't care. She spoke briefly with the skeevy girl and the two of us went back into our room. The dream had no sex even though it would seem like it was some fuckfest. We talked in the room, I figured she knew the skeevy chick and kept thinking she should invite her over for a threesome. Never brought it up, just thought it.
While on my third walk I saw all the Russian girls were completely nude except for clogs. Water sprayed from the ceiling to help remove chicken grease from their skin. Ducking under the metal rack to keep dry, I leered at them all. This time I caught olive-skin's stare and wondered who put a bug up her ass. "She's nude in a mall washing butchered chickens and she thinks nobody's going to stare?" Past the nude gauntlet, I was in the hotel hallway again. My Chinese chick was with the skeevy one and all three of us went into the room. My chick straddled me and pushed my face against her big (for an Asian girl) boobs which sent me immediately to sleep. In that sleepy-dream state I could hear them talking about how I couldn't satisfy them and my Chinese chick spoke up that they could pleasure each other.
I regained consciousness in the mall, somehow the hotel was no longer in existence and there was no sign of either woman. Dejected, I went down the long stairs to entertain myself with the Russian chicks. This time there were only three, still nude, all of them giving me looks (olive-skin was there) saying "Here he comes again" and following me angrily chattering about something. I kept my eyes forward until everything faded.
An empty soda can fell over and clanged against my cabinet which woke me up. After the stress passed, I went back to sleep.
The next dream is sketchier. First I was at some MOOer picnic with these long institution-like tables. After eating, I was sent to a prison cell with four blue chairs and an old black woman. A buzzer went off and two big black guys came in and took the remaining two seats. They complained how four people couldn't possibly live in here, let alone sleep. I suggested that two people could occupy themselves for 12 hours outside of the cell while the other two slept, then switch around. I added that was how we did it in college, which makes no sense since I was at home when I went to college.
Soon all four of us were doing clean-up duty at the picnic and the biggest black guy was leaving tips on the tables. I was hitting a few people I didn't recognize for 'disrespecting me'. Afterwards we drove off with the black guy's sister who drove like a nigger. Hit every car from behind, couldn't understand when to speed (or not to) and tried to pass in the most dangerous of places. A cop pulled out from some parking lot and was following us at a distance, the others in the car bitched her out for being a suckass driver. I piped up with once we went over this bridge that crossed Rt. 78 the cops wouldn't be able to follow us since we'd be out of their jurisdiction. The bitch fucking sped over the bridge, hit another car (again) and I got out in disgust. After a long walk I ended up at my car (parked by the big field where they hold the fireworks), got in and the dream was no more.
I reckon my dream self was wandering around with other laggardly dreamers who were bound to the real world and my dream self had to physically come to my body rather than being drawn back on the silver cord.
Funny thought I had while writing the first half was "What do the Chinese think of the American flag?" Do they think it means happiness (red) and death (white) under the celestial heavens (blue star field)?
Irritating thing right now is that I have "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" stuck in my head. Grrr.
You don't refer to yourself as 'Mom' anymore when you talk to me.
I believe you are still bitter at me because when I was young I wanted to watch TV alone instead of with you and Dad. I remember the way you told me, "if you kept asking someone to come over and they didn't, would you invite them ever again?" answer no, "then why should we ask you to do anything with us".
You never say 'I love you' anymore. My impression is that you should get the money you deserve (rent/food/whatever) then you'll start showing any emotions. You're a god damned whore, just like I reckon your mother used to call you. Whatever happened to 'unconditional love' that you used to speak of?
You are toxic and I've distanced myself from you with your help (see above). I don't need my father to keep you at arm's length. If you continue to think that, you're just insulting me. Then again what else is new.
The one thing I desperately hope for right now is that this is just some fantasy conjured up by your fairy godmother who's trying to steer you in the right direction so you get an abortion (showing what a terrible son I am to you to drive the point [of the coathanger] home) even though I was conceived in wedlock. Once this little fantasy passes you'll head to the clinic, have me suctioned out/some nigger punch you in the belly hard/sit on a coathanger so this can be over. I'll rot in a dumpster and you can live your fucking life with your temper, your toxicity, your irrationality, your house (that my father paid for), your car (that my father paid for), your computer (that my father and i paid for, twice counting the upgrade), your dogs (that my father paid for and arranged to get).
Cunt, you don't deserve me and I know I sure as hell never deserved any of the abuse I've put up with from the age of three to recently. Whatever animosity you harbor towards me must be surely misspent because I've seen the mothers of murderers who were iced on death row who said they loved their son still. I haven't murdered anyone. I haven't hurt anyone. I've never been arrested. I'm just lazy and depressed.
It makes me sad that you're a stranger (because of each other) to me and I have to live with it. You don't. If I ever wanted anything from you it's love or understanding and I only learned how wonderful that is from one person (no one in this family because that love and understanding from my father comes from 'having to' rather than 'wanting to') and I've seen glimpses of it from the people I know and I've shown it back. Doesn't seem like an effort at all. Glad you never did.
No therapy this week or next week. My therapist's daughter gave birth and she's busy helping the parents out. Strange, if I was going to see her last week on Wednesday I was going to ask if she was doing some 'mother bird pushing the hatchling out of the nest' thing from the week before because the session from the week before didn't sit entirely well with me. So I was going to stay away from going to therapy for a while to see how I do, look at myself and see what new stuff I get on my own without therapy. I am quite proud at how I control my anger now, earlier Sunday evening I went to the supermarket to get the dogs some roast beef and some pies for myself and I ended up having seven items. All cashiers were taken (3 of them) and they were clogged with people who were doing their week's shopping.
I could feel me wanting so much to either walk out of the store stealing the stuff or to turn to one aisle, throw everything down it, make a mess and storm out. Instead I just waited and kept calm even when the dickhead in front of me ended up buying 14 bucks worth of stuff and wanted to pay with a debit card, forgot his PIN then paid with a shaky credit card that had to be swiped five times. I even tried to get angry but I couldn't. Very strange.
Did you know that most times when you watch a movie on a channel that follows some broadcast standards and practices that if you turn on the closed captioning you'll see the naughty words they bleeped out? Also the Spice channel is closed captioned. That's hilarious, especially seeing [moaning] or 'Put your face in my ass and fuck me with your tongue'. Fun thing is that the Discovery channel is rarely captioned, so much for a channel that purveys itself as educational.
Before I went to the supermarket, I took the dogs over to a big park and walked around with them. Did all of us some good, they were out (at night though) and sniffing and trotting, I was out and watching them feeling happy at the fact. Wish the moon was out so I could've caught some reflected moonlight from the water but it's waning and rising later and later. Still a pleasant night.
I was told about this site by P7A77 on Lambda. It lists high schools and who graduated and stuff. Pretty keen. I checked my school but I couldn't put faces to the names, I also checked the school I left in my sophomore year and I didn't know anyone there. Too bad. Ends up that a gamer I'm aquainted with went to my high school and I didn't know it. Neat.
That's my little bit of excitement for today. I'll probably rummage through it a bit more this afternoon being that I need to sleep now.
Late at night
Still kinda regarding this day. Just came in from gaming, while walking back home I saw a family of four raccoons crossing the road. They got split up, two ran for some building-hugging bushes while the other two lagged behind and hid behind a tree. I thought they might be cats but when I got closer I saw they were indeed raccoons. The two little ones by the tree were cute, they watched me and I reckon if I did have some food on me and I did offer it they would've come over after I put it on the ground for them.
Lastly our house has a resident spider which I consider a happy thing. She's large and white like a peppercorn with tiger-stripes on her legs. Ms. Spider lives under the light by the front door and she always curls up and stuff whenever someone comes close by. I hope that nobody hurts her. I don't want my parents to whack her or any of my sisters friends (male ones) to come by and whack the spider only to giggle like Beavis and Butthead.
That's all.
It was my first and the worst bachelor party I ever attended. The organizers didn't hire professional talent and decided they would save a few bucks and have their female friends help out.
One lady who was the talent was Malyss' friend Cathy who was turned from a sweet Christian farmgirl into this raging bisexual hosebeast who was part of a couple. When I got to the bachelor party I was disappointed to see Cathy coming in because I was like 'Alright, I'm not going to go crazy but one of Malyss' friends is here for some reason. There goes any fun.' We had dinner and went to a strip club. The strip club was lame and I entertained myself by making eye contact with the strippers which left me without any stripper attention for the rest of the night because they don't like eye contact. Plus I ran out of cash and the party had gone off somewhere else while I was getting a lapdance so I was sitting around like a dork for the next half hour wondering if they ditched me.
The strip club closed down and we went back to this crappy motel. The door to the room was held together with packing tape and it was dirty. Cathy came back in with the other girl (some skinny alleycat of a girl) who was hanging out with the attendees. First off, I knew I was out of my element because everyone there was from a particular clique and how Tim and I were outsiders. He handles being an outsider better'n I do.
Anyway after hanging out in the room and figuring the party's dead now they call everyone into the bedroom where Cathy's chained down to the bed wearing this red body stocking that makes her look like an overstuffed sausage. The alleycat girl (who looked like the former Mrs. Lupin from Viva Variety) then got down to business sucking at Cathy's tits and then going to eat her out. This was way too strange for me. Cathy was a prude around certain people (malyss and me) and there she was part of the floor show. I told Tim we were leaving and we exited stage right.
Next day we're at the reception and Tim made small-talk with Cathy. She mentioned that she was awfully tired and Tim smiled and said "I can guess, you had a busy night" to which she gave him a dirty look and stalked off in a huff.
I wish I had pictures because I'd post them here. I think after the floor show (and the subsequent alleged gang-bang) Cathy asked the photographers NOT to give out copies of the pics taken that night. Bitch. Malyss and I were hitting them up to buy the pics but they acted stupid.
The sad part is that all the people, outside of Tim and me, were part of this Star Trek clique who go to Star Trek conventions to have sex with each other. Yecch. Plus they have this idea they're a cut above regular fandom because they have two thin members as well as 'being open about their sexuality'.
Here's the polkamon mp3. Whee!
Haven't been feeling like updating the diary. Actually it's not so much not feeling like updating the diary, it just slips my mind because there's not much that's interesting going on right now.
I filled in at the register at my father's business today, got a free breakfast and came home around two. I'm going in tomorrow for the whole day and then again on Monday so I oughta have some scratch to buy cards with and have a nice time. I got dinner at the diner and it was a little strange going there alone since I've always gone there with someone. The dinner was joyless and rushed. Oddly enough I wasn't that hungry but I still packed it all away.
I got the 2nd World War novel by Harry Turtledove to read at my father's business. People Magazine has like 3 paragraphs of interesting reading, Newsweek is just a liberal Time knockoff with a lame section on computers, I finished the National Geographic (dunno where the others are) and went through the Star Ledger looking for strange news only to come up empty handed.
Enough prattle. Now MOO.
Right now I really want to go online. I'm tired of answering phones and reading quietly. It's also an hour earlier than I thought much to my dismay. At least if I went online, I'd get bored there and being here would be bearable again.
I'm so used to having socialization on tap. Just wish I could spread my attention to other places but I don't want to go to a MUD filled with twinks (with the flowery descriptions and the mystical eyes) or furverts, on Yahoo with the functionally illiterate or IRC where one can be kicked at some heifer's whim (most likely a fat masturbating soccer mom [recently divorced] who can't spell and thinks Ally McBeal & Survivor are the *best* shows).
It's pathetic to be writing my diary entry here but it's killing essential time.
Barely.
Ooopha. Hot oriental chick a few doors down.
Didn't sleep well last night, probably from sleeping five hours beforehand, then eating a big dinner and trying to sleep but being distracted by a neat episode of Lexx. I was also bugged about this one doofus who seems to have a hardon for realism in gaming situations along with the implementation of rules in dungeons and dragons that most GMs throw out because it just slows the game down. I submitted some ideas to the GhostMOO development list for perusal and in no way did I imply that they had to be used and this kid (who is friends with Karcass, a cheater in-game who has been @jailed many times and considered an asshole) nitpicked it apart with nothing constructive to offer. If he can find so much fault in everything, he ought to get ghostcore and run it elsewhere to show how things can be done better.
I would've been amused if he was vicious and used a one line reply of "It's shit, who are you kidding? Do you have a prog bit here? No." That would've been fun. On top of that I heard a rumor that he completely whined on *wiz at GhostMOO and did the same thing in regards to the quest I submitted just for the heck of it.
Eh, I do know that I'm good and it was pretty neat to find out that Quinn really dug my quest idea and the rest of the responses (I think) to my quest are favorable.
One last thing, it's good that GhostMOO wants to get away from the poofta ren faire-y dungeons and dragons forest magic theme crap that's popped up over the course of seven years there and doing a strict return to the post-apocalyptic theme. 2 sweet =D peaches!
From pg. 194 of Spoon River Anthology, by Edgar Lee Masters.
Henry Layton
Whoever thou art who passest by
Knowest that my father was gentle,
And my mother was violent,
While I was born the whole of such hostile halves,
Not intermixed and fused,
But each distinct, feebly soldered together.
Some of you saw me as gentle,
Some as violent,
Some as both,
But neither half of me wrought my ruin.
It was the falling asunder of halves,
Never a part of each other,
That left me a lifeless soul.
One of my father's customers was talking about how he got a speeding ticket from NY state in the mail and how they clocked him using EZ-Pass. That was scary.
When I got home, I went to bed after dicking around on the computer for ten minutes. I woke up around midnight and now I can't sleep. Bah. I might drive down to the store to buy some food that I can eat without using the kitchen, some imodium and kava.
Had a terrible headache today, it was like a big nail being driven into the top right side of my skull and I slept it off.
Not much else to say except that during the past day or two I've been feeling the depression some of you have noticed in my entries.
