April 2000
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Lambda had a stupid April Fool joke going on that was more spammy than clever. Other than that I didn't see any pranks that were funny in the first place. How was your day? I'd like to know. So email me already. I'll post it here.
Lemme see, it's DST day and that really fucking sucks. Why don't they do daylight savings on the equinoxes rather than the last Sunday of every month? I reckon it's more fitting since it's the "beginning" of spring (I say "beginning" since there are only 2 real seasons, fall and spring. Winter and summer are only for a day and the equinoxes only refer to the middle of the season rather than the beginning of one.) and people would be able to have more sunlight and blah blah blah.
I wish that DST would stop and everything would be on standard time the whole year. You know who I blame for this? Talk radio.
That's right, talk radio.
Those talk radio hosts are always in a dry spell come this time of year and decide to fill the airwaves with the fluff piece of "Daylight Savings: Stupid or Super?" and have most of their audience call in saying how much they like having more sunlight (Idiots, it's still 9 p.m. and you're out? Don't fucking complain tomorrow when you go to work groggy because you didn't go to bed at a reasonable time. Just because the sun is up doesn't require you to be outside. Plus there's no law saying you can't be outside when it's dark but people are stupid and get scared of the dark and don't want to be in the dark because that's where the bogeyman lives).
Talk radio hosts have nothing to talk about. No ratings. No ratings means they get fired and reshuffled to some other 50 watt station and the cycle of radio life continues unabated.
I realized something tonight and I need to remember to bring it up tomorrow. I'm still keeping my room tidy but lately the things I've been doing (taking posters and drawings down from the walls, throwing most of them out. tonight i threw out three old shirts in my closet that i haven't worn since freshman year in high school and just hung there forever) seems more like a nervous habit rather than keeping my room tidy because keeping my room tidy is an act of self love. No, not masturbation you goof.
That idea kinda came to me when I was doing my monthly archiving of my journal entries on diaries.html (no longer exists, the file got too big) and how that was just busy work to make the time seem to go by faster than if I just sat around staring at the screen on LambdaMOO and waiting for the next *anon or *sc post to scroll across the screen.
I gotta think about this. Maybe it's just because I'm hungry.
Woo woo, my tank finally emptied completely. On the good side, I got 330 miles out of it from the last time I topped off and my tank's capacity is about 12 gallons. Still I gotta hit Tim up for cash if he needs a ride to the game tomorrow. Some places they're selling regular for $1.70+ a gallon. Yeesh. More later.
Bzzt. I lied. There isn't any more ;) Well except for the fact that I've been using a poop verb on guests which seems to amuse me greatly. Time for bed, there can only be so much fun in an hour on LambdaMOO.
I lied again! Before the cock crows, spivak, you will lie twice!
It's lovely outside and I'm awful glad that I decided to move my car down to the church lot. Okay, I really didn't decide. I let three pennies decide for me, if they all came up the same when I tossed them I would've went to sleep. If they were different, I'd move the car.
Drizzly and dark, the sky's lit up with the purple mercury lights burning over the highway. I would've felt a little sad but the smell of the new, fragile, spring flowers kept teasing my nose mingled with the scent of new earth recently kissed by rain.
It buoyed my spirits. The tiny tik-tik sound of the drizzle was a delight but if I had to listen to that at any other time it would've been oppressive.
Now I'm home. Now I'm going to sleep.
Tonight is an unusual night for me, everything seems so different in my eyes as if I was seeing everything anew. While walking back from the church my eyes turned upward rather than straight ahead or downward at the sidewalk and I had this odd feeling in my mind. Don't exactly know the right word to describe it but I guess it's the feeling that the aliens from The Shadow Out of Time (by H.P. Lovecraft) felt when they inhabited a human body looking at a strange new world. I was fascinated and frightened by the way the trees grew, the twists and turns of the branches that just didn't seem right. Houses felt more like the hollow sets on an outdoor movie lot, just a facade to give the illusion of a home. My eyes were drawn back to the stars and I kept my eyes on them more than just on where my feet were going or what might block my way. Another feeling I had was a realization of how tall I really am. Most times I keep my chin up by my eyes betray my depression and I see more of the ground than what is in front of me or what resides heavenward. Tonight I felt tall, I felt physically like an adult and with a kid's brain it was a bit exciting and a bit scary. Thankfully not scary in the sense of "Christ, I'm an adult now and I have to be in indentured labor until I become useless to the job market and lose all my summers to toil" but more in a "where has the time gone and how the hell did this happen?" Kinda like when I first (and I would reckon you, yes you) discovered I had pubes. Hair? Around my dick? My armpits? Where the fuck did that come from? I know I would've noticed that.
On another note, there's tonight's game (transcribed from the entry I wrote during the game but excluding a few of the extranneous fucks). I was very disappointed with the way the game went tonight. For the first part of the game things sputter, start then get derailed and the game completely shuts down. After a big "nothing" things finally get underway. I know I'm no saint and my reputation as someone who disrupts things in the game gives me (IMO) no real right to complain when other people do this but lately I've been trying to stay in character and make my comments in character (So you're going off alone? What about Liberace, the demon and Raphael?). I just wanna game.
What I hate is (I know this is self-centered but I reckon there might be some validity because of my previous outbursts of violent emotion) I think the game finally shifts into gear once I start showing annoyance and it forces Tim's hand (and the other players) to get the game into motion.
This ain't good if this is so and it is my fault. Fuck, I'm ruining my good stuff and fucking over other people in the process.
There seems to be no story or direction at the moment and I'm good with that, but I feel it's getting time when Tim should just start the game and bruteforce a story on us. God knows there are enough plot threads that this would be welcome (I can only speak for myself for embracing something like this) as well as plausible and explainable without it being a non-sequitor. Tim's smart and could weave something cool together for us. It would be nice to stop drifting in the storyline and get a direction. Even if it has to be beaten into us by a two by four.
Starry Night Backyard came in the mail today. When I get home tonight I'm going to install it and dick around with it. Whee.
I've been doing more of that nervous habit cleaning in my room. I took down most of the stuff that was on the hatrack in the corner of my room. I arranged my little toy animals in a line in front of my frog's tank and put my ceramic skulls on either side. Gotta drop off some clothes down at the church's bin so I don't have that garbage bag with clothes in my room for much longer (it's only existed for an hour).
Bleh. This is just strange to me. Plus I've been thinking a lot about shaving off all my hair (keep the beard and back hair and the rest of the body hair) thinking it's just making more dirty than I have to be.
Maybe more later.
Yes, I truly am my father's son.
I went outside to look at the sky and if the sky was clearer I was going to tell my father where Leo was in the sky so he could show my mother and it come off as a Good Thing (tm). For those playing along at home you can find Leo in the night sky by looking for the trapezoid of stars in the sky. Leo is in the night sky from sunset to about four or five a.m.. Can't miss it.
Anyway.
As I stepped out to look and tell him, I heard whizzing but it wasn't the dogs (he was letting the dogs out at the time) but it was him. Pissing in the same exact spot where I piss.
I want to laugh and I want to retch.
So I just turned around on my heel and walked back inside to wait for the all clear to come about. Heh.
I'm going to be reworking this site. I will be dropping the links page and placing the links on this page. There will be a gaming page which will have my gaming stuff in a centralized location. Right now my pages seem a bit disjointed and I want a better sense of flow on this site. One last thing, I definitely want to get myself a domain name but I haven't a clue what I would get and if having a domain would be worthwhile.
Pros
- No stupid banners or frames.
- Access to a cgi folder.
- A content feeling from owning my own domain name.
Cons
- I might have limited storage space instead of the unlimited storage space I have here.
- Easier to stalk me. I doubt they'd let me use "Haakon Studebaker" in the contact information.
- I have to go through the trouble of getting a VMB (not the excite one) and a PO Box from another town.
Hm. Maybe not. And I doubt I have enough good content to warrant a domain name.
Since Heart of the Shinomen Forest is currently offline, I think I'll switch my L5R page around so it's a Naga page (I have more than enough information about the historical Naga, might as well put more in there about the CCG Naga).
Oh yeah, you know who you are. You know why that little blinker is running around on top of the screen.
Bah, was feeling pissy earlier this evening because I got all worked up having some project thrown at me at the last minute and having to get it done by tonight. It's printed, folded and ready to be mailed out so that's a Good Thing (tm). Made my errand-running a much angrier event than it should have been. Lastly I gotta run over to the Shoprite a town over to see if they have any jars left of the Prego Meatball sauce because none of the places around here (included the one where I used to get it) have it in stock. Cry.
Had a lovely day outside with Kinja, I was squinting most of the time because I wasn't used to the bright light and I don't have any sunglasses. Speaking of shut-ins, The Matrix is on HBO tonight at nine. Woo!
Other than that, I'm probably going to have Chinese tonight. Maybe not. After writing that sentence my tummy turned slightly.
I had Chinese and I regret it. This place is really good but somehow they screwed up my General Tso's Chicken to the point that it made me feel sick. Tomorrow I'm going to have red meat for dinner. Woo hoo! I watched The Matrix and it was still as good as I remember it.
I'm certain there's a conspiracy going on in Hollywood.
It seems that every cartoon that Hollywood produces needs a musical number or drawn-out montage to some pop artist's contribution to the soundtrack.
Why?
This is the same conspiracy that causes Disney to shut up (or summon the lawyers) whenever someone mentions Tezuka and The Lion King in the same breath. The same conspiracy that shoved Mononoke Hime to third rate movie houses that jaded Wisconsonites transplanted into NYC would find tres chic because they show movies about gay cowboys eating pudding. Good animation with a good story that doesn't need some garish faggot extravaganza inbetween plot points to wake up the dozing audience with a short attention span.
Wanna know what else I hate? Baseball. Fucking, boring, hit the ball and run in a circle baseball with overpaid jocks who were lucky enough to dodge Harris & Klebold's shotgun blasts. Not so much because baseball is boring but because baseball interferes with watching tv. I ignore baseball and flip over it whenever I see it but there had better be a good fucking reason that baseball is interrupting Futurama, King of the Hill and the Simpsons. Baseball did this back when Star Trek: The Next Generation was putting out first run episodes and to a lesser extent Deep Space Nine. Then there are the times when baseball has the fucking audacity to interrupt Pokemon and the Batman/Superman show when they decide to have a game in the afternoon.
Grrrr.
I saw The Road to El Dorado and it was mildly amusing but it had musical numbers. Sigh. The animation was good but the computer generated stuff was very obvious. Two out of five stars, lacking one star because of the musical numbers.
If you wanna know, you know how to get in touch with me.
Just got in from gaming and it was a lovely night. The game went fairly smoothly, I nearly lost an experience point when someone made their metahumans knowledge skill to recognize a villain and I said, "I look up Oculon in my Pokedex!" I was going to follow up with the robotic voice and description of Oculon until Tim just told me that I lost an experience point. I reminded him he didn't even warn me and he said I just have a warning. Whew. Dodged that bullet.
Now I've got "Build me up, Buttercup" stuck in my head.
Other than that, I feel alright. Just wish that the muscle pain I've been feeling in my side would go away so it wouldn't be achy when I take deep breaths. I'm such a fatass doing absolutely no exertion during my day and somehow I pull muscles or hurt 'em.
So
So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail
A smile from a veil
Do you think you can tell
Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts
Hot ashes for trees
Hot air for a cool breeze
Cold comfort for change
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage
How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl
Year after year
Running over the same old ground
What have we found
The same old fears
Wish you were here
Whoops, I didn't put an entry in last night. Nothing going on over here except for playing cards tonight and I'm doing laundry. Excitement reigns supreme in spivak's house.
RPS was pleasant enough tonight, I noticed that my card collection has become very disorganized and I really should find a way to place separate decks aside so I can pull them out at a moment's notice rather than fumble about because I cannibalized this deck to make this deck which won't work right now and all that kinda stuff. Didn't win a game but I did put up some competition. Also I got myself one of those breeder $1 coins for the novelty of it. I'll keep it in my magick box after I make sure it's just right to go in there.
Okay, something's up with me and I don't know what. I've been forgetting to update my diary. Maybe forgetting to update my diary just helps me keep things in perspective and write about important stuff.
Like my penis.
I have a penis. It is very nice. I haven't been struck in my groinicological region in ages but I have grazed my penis' neighbors the testicles. The testicles are quiet folk, just hanging around and bothering nobody. Grazing my testicles can be painful.
The oddest thing I ever did to my penis was tucking my three piece set into my thighs. It was very disturbing for me.
Sometimes I play with my penis. Sometimes I do not. Lately, I haven't been playing with my penis. One time I covered my genital region with a very fat black cat.
Today was pleasant enough. I spent it just being quiet, doing a little online stuff then heading out around four thirty. Fun thing is that I was warned my mother is once again on the warpath but this time it's because of my father's actions. I didn't ask why and I'm not going to try to think about it because ascribing rational thought on an irrational person like my mother is not constructive. At least I can take a low profile without running around and living 3/4ths out of my car.
I ended up going out with my friends and hanging at Brian's mom's place eating free food and watching Japanese commercials. Interesting that I got there long before they did, I walked around the neighborhood and took in the lovely weather. The air had just enough of a chill and the sky was delightfully cloudy overhead. I ended up sitting in a pine grove for a few minutes until I saw Brian's car drive past so I walked on back and joined the fun. Coming back to my car afterwards I found myself looking at the sky and wishing that the clouds would part and an alien ship would come down. There was this small feeling welling up inside me that if that did happen I would jump aboard and zip off without looking back just because I'm feeling so desperate lately and any sort of escape would be welcome.
Yes, I'd miss stuff. No doubt about it. This would just be an impulse.
I have to get started preparing for my cross country trip and the only preparation that must be done is filling my bank account with ten thousand dollars.
It's Columbine Day! The Feast of St. Eric and St. Dylan!
Not much happened today, sadly enough. The highlight was playing Sim City and doing the UFO Invasion disaster. Fuckers, I thought I got some neat crop circles in the wheat fields but it ends up that they destroyed my nuclear reactor as well! I'm just happy that I saved before I unleashed alien fury upon the sprawling, simple burg of Dog Valley.
I'll get a screenshot of my town and post it later on tonight for everyone to see. It's not much but it's someone's home. I wonder how tomorrow is going to work out since it's Good Friday and my mother will be home. Badly probably. Just have to remember to do my laundry for Sunday and keep a low profile.
I just took some screenshots of my city, they're not much but I wanna share anyway.
Same day, just rainier with lots of thunder that woke me up a few times. Sim City 3000 was depressing because once everyone left my city and I was 25k in debt the simulation didn't end. What the hell are the people at Maxis thinking anyway? Lots of stuff in the game doesn't seem to work right anyway. I'm tired of games/software that eventually play like they were compiled in a hurry then shipped without any quality control. I guess I'm done with my Sim City fix for now.
Other than that, I'm feeling a little sad for some reason. Nothing to do with people and I know there are people who read this and will think I'm sad because of how they influence my life or some such but it's just me. Right now I reckon this is just being overtired.
Yay! It looks like I'll see Kinja sometime soon, maybe next week. Lately she's been spending all her time working out at the gym and handling her own stuff. This oughta be nice.
Other than that, it's just another lazy dog-dangling Saturday and I'm all bored and want to do something but I just can't get interested in StarCraft right now. :looks to his left to see what CDs are there... Quake's too pointless, StarCraft's not even up there, dunno if I have the patience for Tomb Raider (the sound never works on the original tomb raider either, fah) and I dun wanna play Creatures because it makes me frustrated when I watch the little norns start eating poisonous stuff and I can't get them better.
I think I'll play Tomb Raider and see if I can finish it. Last time I was finishing up the temple, or was I at Atlantis?
Oh yes, I'm glad they sent that kid back to his father from those distant freaks in Miami. Too bad MLB didn't get custody of him. Eeeeelian, swim home!
Oh boy! Easter! Um, well... hm... Slept late, waiting for my big free dinner. I know that I shouldn't have eaten a whole pizza and a double Italian hot dog last night. I think it's the most that I've eaten in one sitting in quite a while. On the good side my sleep wasn't disturbed by frequent, violent diarrhea. Woo hoo! I just hope that I'll have enough room for dinner so I can take sufficient advantage of food I don't have to pay for and food that my father isn't paying for either.
I definitely need to get some money sometime soon so I can get some of the cards from Fire and Shadow. Also to start saving up for my trip too. Maybe I can do this by 2001? Bah, knowing me it won't be until about 2005. I'll see.
Small note, I couldn't find the book at the library and will have to check the library on Wednesday if the book is back on the shelf. I will get the quote and place it up here.
8:53 p.m., Easter
The saddest noise I have ever heard was the sound of Sunny howling in the midst of a winter storm. Earlier, before going to school, I let Sunny out on the rope and I had forgotten him. Around eleven the snow was really coming down and school was let out early. When I came home I was in the kitchen when I heard him. It was a hollow, soulful noise that tugged at something deep inside me. I recently read a short story about a time traveller who travelled into humanity's future and returned but missed his home date (3000something) and ended up in 1939. He sang a song for the man that was something humans today shouldn't hear. A song that spoke of great things that were lost and never could be recovered. A sad song that couldn't be sung in this era because humanity hadn't felt such an emotion yet. I'll go to the library tomorrow and photocopy it and post the lines (no, he didn't have any lyrics listed. it was just a description).
I feel like that inside right now. Maybe this feeling got rolling during dinner when my father's friend sent out something for my father to try. It ended up being served in a half of a baby goat's skull. Nobody noticed what it was except me. I realized it was a skull because I could see the teeth. My father thanked him profusely but declined. I was sad because I thought of that little goat not being eaten and therefore not being given what's due for what he died for. I wanted to try it, but I wanted to see what everyone else at the table thought because I fucking hate cheese and I didn't want to try it and find out that there was cheese mixed in. Us guineas are funny that way, always putting cheese (especially cheese that is fucking rank and makes me wonder if someone's ass exploded on the table and smeared it around for good measure after a hearty meal of Andy Capp's Hot Fries and pizza) on everything.
But when I saw that skull filled with green/blue vegetable matter stuff being sent back I felt a little bad. From there, my mood steadily fell and I succumbed to that kind of sadness. I was able to bring myself out of it by getting myself really angry about nothing but that was only a quick fix. Once I got home I started rereading Guys in the bathroom and lost myself in the story.
And I'm here now. I feel like I want to be alone with my sadness because only I can figure it out. Only I can care about myself. Only I can give myself some measure of comfort. Plus I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. Maybe because I'm a selfish masochist, maybe because everyone is wrapped up in their own life. Maybe it's the best way for me to take care of myself because in the end, I'm alone.
Quick rundown of today. Read emails, watched some of Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, checked out various news stuff on the web, spoke briefly with Kinja, pooped, showered, watched the last part of Pokemon (fossil episode with Jigglypuff and they found the Togepi egg), got my shit together and bid Kinja farewell before heading off to the game. I stopped for a few minutes at the library and found a neat book of post-nuke stories but couldn't read much except for a story about how the wheel is considered evil. Got to Brian's work and bummed a ride from him since I had a bad feeling about driving alone.
Arrived at the game, Tim arrived late and the game started late but he was no-nonsense about it. Some RP, headed off to Asbury Park, Mr. Black (ShadowTurtle in human form) got SERIOUSLY pulped by Sledge. Fucking ouch and I was out of the game for the rest of the night but I took it with good humor and watched everyone have fun. (read more about the game)
Left late, talked a bit with Brian, got home and here I am updating my website. This was a better night for me and a bit heartening for me but I know this is merely a small peak in my valley of the shadow of depression.
See you tomorrow.
Quick update! Lately I've been having the most satisfying bowel movements. No, they're not firm cocklike turds like people ought to have. I'm still all loose and things but there's this wonderful feeling of having evacuated myself without leaving me with a feeling of "there's still stuff in there, should I be vigilant and wait for the urge or should I sleep and let it come together naturally?" This is a Good Thing (tm).
I can't be anything but myself.
Love me for who I am, not what I could be.
Love me for who I am, not what I should be.
I don't bear anyone ill will, really. Heh, I was going to write "Except for %n" where %n was someone from LambdaMOO but after a quarter hour of thought I couldn't think of anyone that I really hate from LambdaMOO. That'd be silly.
Sure I'll get mad and steam for a while. Sure I'll say vicious things in the heat of the moment but they're just for that one moment.
But there are places I can never return to.
Places that I do not want to return to.
I'm not mad at anyone, except myself and that's for being myself. Not because of my actions towards others because I have no regrets about that kinda stuff. Just my general self-hatred which I am working on in therapy.
Bah, I still haven't found the book so I can post the quote. I hope this won't be one of those things where I find something neat in the library, can't find the book for ages then a year later I find it but forget what I was looking for.
Eh, just brushed up on Enough UNIX for your Resume, read Usagi Yojimbo and watched most of Good vs. Evil. Looks like a dull weekend but I'm not complaining. I just hope I'm able to get something nice to eat tomorrow night and the chances of that are slim and none. I'm too proud to ask for cash from anyone.
That's pretty much it.
Love me for who I am, not what I should be.
Good Things
The smell of freshly cut grass mingled with the exhaust of a lawn mower. Having that morning poop and finding an unread Usagi Yojimbo compilation in my folder. Realizing that my own self-doubt defeats me. It's a lock that my Dad's car show will happen tomorrow and he'll be happy. Getting lost when looking up because the sky is so very blue. Thinking about stuff to do tomorrow for Walpurgisnacht. Being lonely.
Bad Things
Being awakened by noisy gardeners. Being uncomfortable holding back a burp that has a surprise in it and having it go up my nose anyway. Wanting to be inside rather than outside and doing anything. Not being able to think of anything profound for tomorrow. Realizing I have no blank video tapes for recording Futurama and King of the Hill. Being lonely.
I just got in from having my little Beltane fire. No, there wasn't any leaping over the fire just me sitting out at the patio on my fat ass filling my special burning bowl with little memories, twigs, leaves and such and burning it. Around midnight I struck a stone against the bowl twelve times and wished Good Things (tm) on people.
Now I smell like smoke and I reckon that's a Good Thing (tm).
Today went nicely enough, just staring into space, staring into the monitor, staring at myself. I reckon it's getting close to the time where I should rest my eyes.
