I gamed. I wrote. I masturbated. I slept. I'm still unemployed. Hopefully I'll get work soon.
Oh yeah, there was a Farscape marathon (only 8 eps) on SciFi last night. I watched that instead of playing StarCraft which I've started playing again with the intent of finishing it.
I've never gotten past the Terran campaigns and I want to get to the Zerg and Protoss but I won't let myself play them because the Terran campaigns are never finished.
The new Champions game started last night. I'm playing a robot created by Mechanon who has a difference of opinion when it comes to organic life.
The game went well enough, it was slow and the GM's experience is in D & D games. Hopefully it'll be a good game, if not then I'm going to screw around like it's a four color campaign.
Got home late only to find out that I had to be up EARLY to let in the inspectors to check our remodeling project. Fucker. I finally got up at 2 p.m. and I'm headed out tonight.
I made up my mind and I'm going into NYC again next week to bug the Howard Stern show to see if they need anyone to write for them or if they need an intern. I've got nothing to lose except a little sleep. Getting up early sucks.
Yesterday, I got in a minor accident. All I did was look off the road for a minute and the next minute I was elbow deep up someone's ass. Thankfully no one was hurt and the police weren't involved but my car got dented kinda bad up front. Especially since I don't have any auto insurance ;)
Bleh, today was entirely too short. I woke up 5 minutes before I was supposed to be at therapy. I don't know why I got up so late when I went to bed last night at 11 p.m..
Anyway getting into Summit was easy, but getting a parking spot was a pain in the ass. They built a god damned four level parking garage and they still have no parking spaces. Assholes! Who do they have for city planners? Moe, Larry and Curly?
I just wish my meatloaf was done so I can eat. Those doritos aren't enough to keep me from getting hungry for another 10 minutes.
October 1999
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Eh, I'm happy with the way the page came out. Just need to spruce it up with some pictures and try to offer something different in the MOOer stalker information. Not like I'm going to post people's addresses (though it's their fault for putting their addresses and resumes on their web sites and publicizing those sites on Lambda), but there are three sites out there which have LambdaMOOer information. UnStAbLe's site, Rusty's site and vol's site (don't know if it's updated anymore). Humbert-Humbert's site is full of dead links and isn't worth dick.
I'm thinking about writing today, maybe getting down an outline and trying to think up characters for the story. Since it'd be one way to get my work published, it'll probably be my story about alien cattle. I'm not too hot on the story at the moment, my mind is stuck on the Bangle_Babe story.
I seem to have more body hair than I thought I had in the first place. Usually the inside of my forearms are smooth but today I noticed they're getting hairy. I'm sure my ears and nostrils are next.
My money's also getting very low. I reckon I have barely enough to go to the Monday game regularly.
I just had a double Italian hot dog. Make one yourself. Get a roll, two hot dogs, french fries, fried onions and peppers. Put the hot dogs in the middle of the roll, on top of that you put the peppers and onions and then stuff it with french fries. Gotta love that guinea food.
Consume quickly before the grease burns your chin.
I'm about finished with my meatloaf. Thankfully it wasn't thrown out or eaten by anyone else. My food is my food! I didn't get to be 300 lbs letting other people eat my food. Tomorrow I'll post my meatloaf recipe.
Must remember that next week I shouldn't go to the game depending on someone else for a ride. Got home at 3 a.m. and I wanted to be home a mite earlier than that.
Other than that, life was pretty much the same except I didn't masturbate.
It was very cloudy this morning despite the weatherman on the radio saying the clouds would clear out by midnight. I wanted to see the sliver of a crescent moon, Regulus and Venus all bunched up together in the sky. I figure tonight will be just as cloudy. Bad enough that there's so much light pollution around here, the sky doesn't even get black at night, just a purply haze.
Another day of doing absolutely nothing. I'm probably going to force myself offline in a bit to tinker with litestep to change the look of Win95. I also got a fax program so I can send out faxes once again. Yay! Just feeling in one of those neutral moods.
I was angry. I was sad. I clogged my sister's toilet. Not exactly in that order.
And the bitch yells at me as if I butchered Ben in her bathroom. All she had to do was flush. It's not like I took a shit in her toilet and didn't flush out of spite.
I think her girlfriend isn't giving her the good stuff anymore and it's wearing on her nerves.
Today was nice enough. I spent my time learning Javascript and how to rip off bits of Javascript for web pages. I'm definitely going to redo an old web page I did for a friend doing what I wanted to originally. Webmonkey is really keen, now I'm doing my HTML in Notepad instead of the stupid Claris program I have. If I have to do something quick and dirty, I'll use it though.
I feel very withdrawn lately and I don't know how to express myself or if I should express myself at all. I oughtn't feel so withdrawn around the special people in my life but I do, not something that I can explain really. I know they've noticed it.
I'm sorry.
Just a tightness that's just above my chest and a little below my throat that feels very unnatural to me.
Haven't eaten consistently in a few days, I'm feeling far too proud to ask to go along on food shopping excursions or hit someone up for cash just to buy some basic stuff. Plus the starvation might do me good. Maybe not.
Today was a fairly lazy day. No one was home except me and I have no clue where everyone went. I reckon I'll stay up just a little bit longer and not lock the dogs up for the night. Every Sunday morning they wake me up with their whining and barking to get someone to let them out.
For some reason when my father's not home they are very quiet but when he's home they become pushy little dogs. They irritate me but I love them anyway. Please lemme know if you notice anything I screwed up while remaking the old files in Notepad. I know my page isn't much but at least I have one constructive thing to do every day.
Whee. Magic number or something. Anyway, I spent most of my day screwing around with my webpage once again. Doing it in notepad takes a little longer (plus my mouse isn't behaving and I haven't installed the new one yet) but it's more satisfying this way.
I'm learning javascript and I have examples of what I've done on javascript.html and javascript2.html if you're curious to see what I've done. Nothing really that original but it's another skill to put on my resume. Just need to finish this course so I can get down to creating forms that email out information instead of putting text on a webpage.
It was also extra nice that I was the only person home all day so I could work on this in peace and quiet.
Just a day for a lot of introspection.
There almost was an embarassing situation last night at the game where Ronni was talking about how she saw my website and said she nearly shit when she read about "Tim being a fuckwit". My head snapped to the left towards Tim and thought "Aw fuck." I stated I didn't remember calling Tim that, but she eventually clarified that it was about a different Tim.
I should learn to remember what I write here.
I'm gonna get to writing the gaming diary sometime before Thursday.
Today just slid by and I keep wondering where the time went. It's not like I've done anything productive, jeez I haven't even looked at the javascript stuff I printed out. Bad! Bad! Right now things feel like there's a hook in the middle of my chest stuck in some gristle that hangs inside my sternum and it's pulling down bringing down my emotions just a bit. I hope it's because I'm overtired.
Found out that we're getting a cat, a little kitten that's a Ragamuffin. Supposed to be a HUJ cat when he grows up. The only specifics are that the kitty's going to be blonde, male and grow up to be big. The kitty will be here tomorrow night.
Right now I'm missing Pudding. She died last year around this time having hobbled home with a broken leg. She went to the vet and when she was in surgery to have her leg set she died. Why the fuck did they have to put her asleep to set her bone? Couldn't they have used a local anaesthetic? Pudding would have been 16 this year, bless her soul. I still resent that my father took her ashes and spread them out in the Watchung Reservation and didn't even let me know what he did until much later.
It seems like my sister is talking to me once again. It's only a matter of time before she gets pissed about some perceived slight on my part towards her to start the bickering again.
Just a list of things that I have to do:
- Gaming Diary entry for 10/11
- Get my 486 running (add 8 megs of ram and 28.8 modem) and install Linux on it.
- Finish the damned javascript lessons.
- Finish the L5R decks page and the dragon clan page.
Bored yet?
It seems that I'm in some sort of mood where I'm continually procrastinating on stuff that I set up for myself. It's not like these are great feats to be accomplished and I know once I get up and do them, I can actually be more productive.
I know I'm not going to put up with snagging some javascript from a free website. I know I have a perfectly good 486 computer in my room that I could be screwing around on.
Okay, the reason why I haven't touched it is because I can't get the fucker open. All the screws are out but the damned case is stuck tight.
Anyway, this brings me down inside and I know I'm just doing it to myself. No one's fault but my own, and I keep a good face around everyone else because no one likes being around some gloomy self absorbed asshole. And I think I got a bit of a flu in the back of my throat. Great.
Yecch. I've got a cold. My throat's all tight, my nose is all snotty and I've got some serious gas too. No idea where that's coming from but I certainly am a colonic cornucopia right now (12:16 a.m. EDT).
The kitty is settling in well but I get worried because he continually cries and cries when he's alone and if I have him wandering around I worry about him. Ben and Kate are gentle dogs but Katie's got me feeling protective because she's too interested in the kitten. Ben, on the other hand, is just taking things in stride and he's hardly being the mother figure I would assume he would be.
Long, long time ago we had a little kitty named Quincy. A gray calico kitty who was very cute but had a problem with using litterboxes. He also adopted Sunny, our lab-golden retriever mix, as his mommy. Sunny would grab Quincy by the skull and drag Quincy around every so often which was slightly worrying but when we discovered that Sunny and Quincy were sleeping together we knew it was because they loved each other so much. After having Quincy for a few months, Quincy disappeared. My sister thought her friend stole Quincy and just denied stealing, I looked into it but I couldn't get close enough to her friend's house to peek inside or even try breaking the lock.
I was probably 11 at the time.
I figure Quincy got out and never came back. I hope that he ended up okay and lived a good life, but if he hadn't of run away we would not have met Pudding.
Also the kitty doesn't have a name yet. He's 8 weeks old and white with his tail and paws fading to a cream color. I'm thinking of "Cecil". If you've got any cat names (stupid ones welcome) send them to me at spivaks@hotmail.com. The names my parents picked are stupid soccer mom names like Zack, Archie and stuff.
Other than that, the day wasn't entirely a bust. I finally got around to writing my most recent gaming diary entry.
Alright, this is getting fucking crazy. The kitten will NOT stop fucking crying and if when we take him to the vet to find out why and the vet says "Nothing's wrong" I'm going to crush their skull with a maglite. The kitten was meowing while he was drinking water. That does not sound normal at all.
I know it's cruel but if the cat's crying for no god damned reason and there truly is nothing wrong with him then I'd consider cutting the vocal cords.
When we had Pudding, she was very quiet if she was outside or unfettered inside (not locked in the basement), but once she would get locked in the basement her yowling would begin in earnest followed by thumping, thumping, thumping.
I'm still feeling very sick right now, having been asleep since four and waking up briefly because my body just jolted me awake. Half considering seeing what money I do have and going out to White Castle but I've got a pound of ziti that I made earlier today for lunch to eat.
That's pretty much it.
I'm still sick. The kitten's name is going to probably be Rocky. I'm headed out to see Fight Club with Tim, a review will follow. Maybe.
EOT
Why are you still here? Why aren't you out seeing Fight Club?
Anyway, last night when I was coming home from the movie I found a possum who got slammed by a car in the middle of the road. I pulled off and tried to pick him up with my bare hands and he moved. It didn't look too comfortable either, so I went in my car and picked him up wrapped in a plastic bag. I couldn't stop crying. After I placed him on the side of the road I apologized to him on behalf of humanity and went home.
There was this one car that came down just as I was getting out of my car and when I looked at it, I thought "If that car crushes the li'l possum, I'm going to hunt them down, beat 'em and leave them lying dead in the street." because I know what a terrible thing it is for an animal to die in the road only to be finally beaten into nothingness because the crows and maggots never have enough chance to completely consume the body. There was this canadian goose on the off ramp from 24 into Summit and I couldn't stop and get him off the road and over the next month or so I had to watch him slowly become a bunch of gray feathers instead of being left on the grassy median and just sinking back into the earth.
Well the car just drove over the possum, no tires touched him.
Um, I took Rocky's stool to the vet, ran a few errands, went out to game and ended up that Tim couldn't make the game. Bah. His car died and there was nothing that could bring it back. I hope to write up the gaming diary some time this evening because I was so late with it last week.
Strange, I thought I wrote an entry for this day but apparently the whole day slipped past me and I can't recall a single thing that went on.
Oh yeah, I took the air conditioner out of my window at last. Hopefully there won't be any warm weather any time soon. I know it's October but lately autumn/winter has been sucking enormous amounts of penis. No snow. No cold weather. No homeless frozen rock solid to the subway grates.
Lastly, I watched the final 15 minutes of the Mets losing. I figure they threw the game or something. Walking three people and letting someone get a base hit? Feh. Hopefully the Yankees will win again and Yankees fans will still throw D cell batteries at that moron who plays for the Braves.
I'm feeling null right now. Not happy. Not sad. Just existing.
For those of you playing at home:
And it looks like the Naga are getting screwed with yet another stronghold. Crab join for 2 less but the cost can not be reduced any further? Fuck that, I'll do speed on Heart of the Shinomen Forest. Hopefully The Yakamo will be aligned with the Naga and not some "Crab Clan * Naga Hero * Clan Champion". Yeah, that's a real new Akasha.
I'm tired. So very tired.
Long ago and far away I went to the library one evening and I found a book that was the best science fiction of 1980. Inside was a cool story about how America descended into a third world country that was focused on a fertility rite centered around surgically altered women made to look like Janis Joplin and another story about a ship that goes out to try to meet a race of aliens who are travelling away from the center of the galaxy into intergalactic space at sublight speeds and how the people aboard want to learn who the people are.
I got halfway through the latter story and when I left at closing time that long ago, I promised myself that I would return and finish that story and the book.
The next night the book was gone.
I looked high and low and I couldn't find it. I started reading The Ringworld Engineers instead and when I returned a few nights later, that book had vanished. Yeah, it's a library and books get checked out all the time.
For 2 years though?
Everytime I go there and look through the science fiction section I expressly looked for those two books eventually giving up hope.
Tonight I went back for the first time in a long time and I saw that they were finally back. I just broke down. The books that kept me company when I was away from everything in my life that was causing me grief were back. Plus it was right near the book of Japanese science fiction that had the story about the triceratops that magically appeared one day (much better than The Enormous Egg).
I don't know if it was because I was sad that life was turning back that way it used to be or because the library was welcoming me back. But I finally got to finish that story about the volcryn and I hope to finish The Ringworld Engineers even though I think I had already finished it a few months before. I can't be sure.
T'was a good feeling overall though.
Today was interesting. First I was supposed to go on an interview at 2 p.m. but I got a message to call the interviewer an hour before I was supposed to leave and when I called back I was told the guy wouldn't be around for another hour. When I finally got through, the interview was cancelled and I had to reschedule for Monday at 10 a.m..
Motherfucker.
And to put icing on that cake, I have another interview in NYC at 3:30 p.m.. Getting to the game that night is going to be dicey and I will hope that I'll be able to get some sleep in by arriving early at Ronni's place.
Ooooo-eeee I'm gonna sleep late on Tuesday. Slap mah fro'!
Right now I'm awake (1:16 a.m.) because it's been nearly a year and it's about time to wash the comforters, blankets and pillowcases that I sleep on. The second comforter is in the dryer and blanket/pillow cases are in the washing machine and I'm waiting to get the comforter done so I can finally go to bed in something clean. Yeah, fuck me for procrastinating when I had ALL DAY to do this project.
In other news, my car's front end was tinkered with and now there's no danger of my hood popping up while driving at high speeds. I didn't even know that was something that would happen. Go figure.
Good night.
Whoops, just an addendum (1:22 a.m.), my ISP is acting up all funny and laggy. I can't get to do anything on the internet though I'm connected at 49k. Burns my ass because I really want to listen to "A Kiss To Build A Dream On".
Wow. Stern's getting a god damned divorce. I wonder who his first post-marital lay will be.
Anyway I need to go clothes shopping sometime soon. Get myself some jeans (black and blue), more black t-shirts, underwear, socks, flannel shirts (maybe) and a good non-leather trenchcoat that I can wear regularly instead of my leather trench.
My leather trench is really nice, almost too nice and I wear it on special occaisions. At first I was a mite disappointed that it wasn't the kind of leather trenchcoat that the Gestapo wear in those WWII movies. Those fucking rule. But mine's just fine but I can't wear it every day like my regular leather jacket.
I carved a pumpkin today. He's got six different faces on his front. Once I get some pictures taken, I'll post them here. Hopefully this will be before Hallowe'en so it'll be timely.
Found out that Ty and Stephanie sent out a thank you card for the gift we gave them last year at their wedding. I won a gang bang compilation video at the bachelor party (where they didn't hire talent, just asked friends to do the live sex show. ugh. i'd expect that at a bash but not elsewhere).
I'm just alive right now. Somewhat dreading all the running around tomorrow but it's for a reason and I get to round out the day with gaming. Hopefully I won't be surly or sleepy at the game so I can take enough notes to add to the gaming diary.
I'm overcome with dread. Whenever Hallowe'en draws near bad things happen. Daisy and Pudding passed away during Hallowe'en. The time I got a phone bill for five hundred dollars because I didn't know the number I was using to dial to wasn't local. Lots of other little stuff that doesn't come as readily to mind.
Right now I'm stinky and I oughta go upstairs and take a shower, maybe that'll help my mood.
So very tired. I hope to sleep the sleep of the dead. Should Thanatos come for me while resting, I shall go willingly and with love for I feel happy.
They still don't fucking get it.
This article just proves it.
I came across an article on cnn.com about an outrage over a "Hell House" they're doing in Littleton, Colorado that involves a scene from the Columbine shooting. Pretty much it has the two playing video games and deciding to go shooting and after they shoot a girl who's praying in the library Jesus comes and sends both of the guys to hell because they felt it was "just a game".
It's fucking disgusting. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold didn't go on a shooting rampage because they were preprogrammed by video games and violence on TV. They were pushed to an edge by the popular kids and jocks who can do no wrong in the eyes of the school administration.
- Spitting.
- Hitting.
- Shoving.
- Getting away with murder.
I read about how their lives sucked in articles when the story first came about. I remember seeing this when I was in high school, sometimes being the target of this. Eric and Dylan struck back because they were pushed too far.
Many lies have been sung with fair voices. Now is the time for the harsh sound of the truth.
On that day when they killed themselves after the spree, they also did something great and questionable by killing themselves. By killing themselves their story goes untold, only the evidence tells the tale. The questionable part of this is that people don't want to face the reality that:
- Jocks and popular people can be mean and are mean on a daily basis but get away with it because they are who they are. This opens up a tangent on how I feel about people's word/honor compared to evidence. That's another time.
- People can't face that the weak or downtrodden can get so angry that they do strike back with such force and anger that even the higher echelons will tremble and feel the repercussions.
- People can't face that kids have real emotions and act upon them.
People just put the blame on something they can understand so they don't break down and cry at the real tragedy of it all. TV, video games, and the internet are all big targets that will always be there and people will always blame them because it is easy.
Good and bad about this is that only Dylan and Eric know what they were thinking on that day regardless of what was in diaries. If they had been taken into custody, they would've been questioned to death in ways that would've made their statements twist in the media. But they can't be questioned because they're dead and that leaves a void.
In Understanding Comics there's a point that's made about drawing characters for comics. One face that's shown is highly abstract, a circle, a line and two dots. Another face is highly realistic with all the shadows and parts looking like parts of the face. People are drawn in by the abstract face and will more readily identify with the abstract face because it's iconic. People put themselves in place of the character because there is so much that is left out of the drawing. With the realistic drawing, people are just spectators because so much is drawn in and the viewer doesn't have to use their imagination unlike the former.
Eric and Dylan became iconic, allowing people to use their imagination about what they were thinking. I know that I'm filling in those blanks right now, but I'd put good money down because I know that I'm right. I know I would've done that if I had the gumption to do it.
The upside of this is that people can put 2 and 2 together based on the evidence and realize that this was an act of violence that came from the two guys, not TV, not computers. Some will see that 2 and 2 equals 4 and they will hope so hard with their hearts that 2 and 2 equals 5 that in their perceptions it will equal five. Others will know that the answer is 4 and understand the strong statement they made.
They gratified the mortified populace by killing themselves, but angered the government by taking justice out of the government's hands. A government that probably wouldn't give them the death penalty that they deserved. A government that supports a social structure that created them. A statement to the government that says, "You weren't here for us before, therefore you can not judge us now." and by that act they showed they had honor.
Yet people are entitled by this fact to hide behind the lies of TV violence, violent games and the internet because of this. I wrote this because this concept doesn't seem to be discussed enough because the easy way out is so comfortable and they would be spiting themselves to actually think about things instead of reacting in accordance to their "hearts". So people continue with their lives believing in the easy answers which are spoon-fed to them and never learning.
I have nothing to say.
Why bother?
Today wasn't a good day and I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to try to brush up on my HTML for an interview on Tuesday and forget everything.
I wish I could be better.
Bonfires burning bright
Pumpkin faces in the night
I remember Halloween
Dead cats hanging from poles
Little dead are out in droves
I remember Halloween
Brown leafed vertigo
Where skeletal life is known
I remember Halloween
This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember Halloween
Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween
Candy apples and razor blades
Little dead are soon in graves
I remember Halloween
This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember
Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween
I like the Misfits.
I'm just looking forward to tonight's game and hoping that I don't choke on the HTML review tomorrow at the agency. If they don't ask me to frames, I'll have it tight as fuck. But I must brush up on doing image maps which are painfully simple if memory serves.
Kitty!
